i've collected all these thoughts and i'm dying to lose them, and if your words are true or not i'll die just to disprove them.it's so unnerving.

i honestly think that sometimes having a good "date" is far worse than having a bad one.

at least when you get to the end of a shitty date...everything is pretty much decided. you don't have to worry about seeing them ever again...you don't have to worry about what they thought of you...you don't have to worry about whether or not there will be repeat, or a three-peat, or sitting by the phone and wondering if it'll ring and there will even be the chance for that repeat or three-peat. nothing fucking matters because the night was either a complete disiaster, a snore, or just horrible...and should they decide the nigtht turned out to be anything but those aformentioned deal-breaker "things," then you get to lay it out as bluntly as possible that you would rather have needles slowly slid into your eyes than have to subject yourself to another night with them.

it's so easy, simple, and even if it makes you look like a raging bitch...well? you don't give a fu-uuuuu-uuuuuck.
when it turns out good, though...uch...whole other story.

dear fucking god the thoughts never end. does he think it's going well? does he like me? would he want to see me again? i wonder if he finds me attractive? does he think i'm just some airhead? what if he thinks the night sucks?

it never fucking ends. when the dust settles it's just you and your shitty overanalytical thoughts. whatever high you get from actually feeling like the entire night wasn't some attempt to appease parental units, and that it didn't turn out to be insanely horrible, and that you actually liked the person is completely over-run by the entourage of thoughts (and negativity) that accompany self doubt, a total lack of self esteem, and the impenetrable bubble of improbability that someone could like you.

or maybe that's just me.

either way..i reduce a fantastic night into nothing more than a good time, and then ante up with the unyeilding and persistant constant of my thoughts which says: "it's all in your head, no one will like you in that way unless you make some big changes." and that's it. good night, good time, good company, good conversation, good drinks, good food.

it's just good all around, and that's it.

that's what sucks about the good date, though...you can't get that fucking tiny glimmer of hope out of your head long enough to let the shitty thoughts truly prevail and takeover your outlook on the whole thing and it fucking blows. i really wish i could just cross on over to the imperial dark side andf just be all the jaded bitter cunt i can be, and not have to deal with the bastard hope shit.

so yea, i had a fantastic time on friday with the company i kept...but please...don't try to tell me it's worth giving it a shot and worth not having the tunnel vision of "nothing will ever come" about, because i may be the queen of negativity, but i'm also fairly realistic. he's not from this area, he's only here for a limited time, and it's highly unlikely anything would progress given the distance factor and the seemingly mutual "whatever" factor we both have.

it was a good night. leave it at that.

i tried to leave it at that, but poor poor jake was stuck watching "in her shoes" or whatever the fuck that movie is called with his woman (which is fair, seeing as he got the new madden game and has lived in a hole for the past two weeks..pay back is a bitch mother fucker), and he said one of the scenes reminded him of me.

the scene involved an engaged couple. the male of the couple was at his wits end concerning how to make the bride-to-be open up to him about what was going on in her head and called off the entire wedding and just walked away. the bride-to-be couldn't open up about certain things out of fear.

it does sound vaguely familiar and does seem like something that would probably happen to me, huh?

warm fuzzies!