you're up here with angels, you look like hell, i'm not going down with you now, bu baby you wear it so well.

religion.

seems like such a bullshit thing, doesn't it? everyone waxes poetic about the need for religious tolerance, about the equality of all religions, about how no single religion precludes friendship or love, and even though we all claim to not care about the religious beliefs of someone else, we all sit with a smug superiority because no matter how non-religious we may be, we really do believe that our own religion is better.

me? i'm jewish. i rank up there among those people who are extremely proud to be jewish. i can laugh at my religion and its stereotypes of the big shnoz, being cheap, being short, being a nerd, and having horns [trust me, some countries still think jews have horns], but i also take it to heart when people deprecate or mock my religion. i admit to feeling a serenity that was completely unknown to me before i set foot in israel, and i'm content in knowing that, while roughly two percent of the world's population, jews remain in the realm of some of the most intellectual and brilliant people in the world.

you guessed it: i love being jewish

i think when you belong to something that is as defining as a religion you internalize its very essence, and i think when the mere definition of being a religion has been grounds for genocides, pogroms, and multiple attempts for world extermination, you go a step beyond and that essence attunes to your very mortality.

that harmony is something i don't think anyone can understand until someone attempts to take it away: it's only then that that smug superiority comes into play, and it's only then that people realize just how deep that religion runs within them.

cue my boyfriend.

the extent of his religious affiliation is christmas, which, to him, has nothing to do with jesus or christianity. nope, to him christmas is a holiday everyone can celebrate and enjoy, and is simply a time to be with family and the people we love. i have no problems with that--i spent the entire day with his family and i even put up a christmas tree so the house would be more festive for him.

he is also completely clueless when it comes to those lovely hot button issues and is completely inept when it comes to dealing with them in a delicate manner. after being with me for this long, he knows i'm proud of being jewish and he also knows that the idea of completely abandoning traditions to accommodate him and his religion is difficult for me; and, yet, he still has no problem with being a complete dick to me when i point out someone is jewish, or anything relating to judaism comes up anywhere.

oh, and before you actually go there and say that i have issues with him being catholic and want him to convert, the answer to your ideology, other than the traditional "fuck you," is "absolutely not." i've tried to compromise my ass off when it comes to religion, especially the religion of our non existent kids, but he's like a dog with a bone when it comes to it-he refuses to see things from my point of view at all and he absolutely refuses to exist in a world of gray. he thinks it should be all or nothing--full fledged judaism and christianity complete with baptism and bar mitzvah or we have no religion what-so-ever in the house.

case in point: saturday night, while he was looking through all the wedding shit i've found he found a checklist for the traditional jewish wedding. he read through it, out loud, asking me what certain things are, all the while making little jokes and poking fun at things and their pronunciation. then, he got to a yamaka, read it, looked at me, and said "i'm not wearing a fucking beanie on my head." "yes you are, why wouldn't you?" "i'm not jewish, why the fuck would i wear one?" so, while i launched into a diatribe of how wearing one is a sign of respect and really has nothing to do with being jewish, he effectively put his fingers in his ears and went off on me for not giving a shit about his religious beliefs and how i would never do anything out of respect for his religion. so, while he went on and on and one about how completely selfish and one sided i am, i took the dogs for a walk, and during my walk my thoughts went haywire:

is it always going to be like this?

am i signing up to spend the rest of my life arguing about religion and having someone who obviously could care less about my own religious standings continually making me feel like shit and like some sort of authoritarian simply because i'm proud of being jewish, i want elements of judiasm to not only be present at my wedding but to be present throughout my life, and because i want him, at the very least, to respect my desire to retain my beliefs and traditions much like he does?

what about when we have kids? is he going to go off anytime i bring up something jewish and have such an ongoing blatant disregard for my beliefs and my feelings and therefore parlay that sentiment onto our kids who will think its okay to do the same thing?

am i really being that selfish and one sided? am i being totally non-understanding of his point of view?

am i consenting to place every ounce of tradition and religion i was brought up with into a corner of my being for the rest of my life so as to keep the peace?

is this grounds for going our separate ways before we're legally bound, or am i going to start resenting and hating him for his black and white view of all things based in religion?

is he ever going to understand that being jewish extends farther than this ridiculous opinion he has that i have this stupid need to be different than everyone else and realize it's actually an integral part of who i am? will he one day wake up and realize that he's marrying someone who is jewish, and therefore is going to have elements of it in his life just like i'm going to have elements of christianity in mine?

are we ever going to find a happy medium?

'cos i'm a brat, and i know everything and i talk back, and i'm not listening to anything you say.

i'm a bit of a glutton for the mighty online quiz. we're not just talking online iq tests and personality tests, but also shit that tells you what percentage masterbator you are and actually rates your gaydar. thus, it comes as no real surprise that i joined okcupid...i mean it's free, there's tons of tests, and the worst thing that can happen is i get an e-mail from someone who isn't a total moron...which is wishful thinking to begin with.

anyway, i did get an e-mail from a guy who was moving to cleveland from los angeles...which is something that is vaguely familiar to me seeing as i pretty much made that same trek three years ago. we e-mailed back and forth a bit, chit chatted on instant messenger a bit, and no where in that time did i hide the fact that i was seeing boytoy, and no where in that time did i express the desire to go out and get my date-on with anyone other than boytoy.

that leads me to sometime last week when said guy, whom we shall now refer to as el-douch-o, and i were talking and he was teasing me about how i'm going to marry boy-toy and i expressed my uncertainty concerning boytoy and i making it much past the weekend...but never mentioned why, which was because we had hit a rough patch and i was at my wits end as to how to solve things without having an actual confrontation...because, for as fiesty and shitty as i am...i really do hate talking about my feelings and making people i care about feel less than fan-fuckin-tastic.

he pretty much shut me down, then followed up his desire for me not to "dump" on him with the completely casual phrase "well, you're a waste of time aren't you?"...so, i figured that was the end of our conversation, muttered "hah, asshole" under my breath and went on my merry way. no real loss on my part...it's not like i knew the guy in anyway, and it's not like i gave a shit if he talked to me or not.

but, there's always more. so, when i wake up on saturday and check my myspace e-mail there's a message sitting there from el-douche-o. goody goody gum drops! the e-mail read as follows:

Elle,

Normally I would never do this but since you were (usually) nice to me and taught me a few things about CLE I will. Consider yourself lucky. You may learn something. I get the impression that you’re looking for a guy friend. The reason why girls befriend guys (that they haven’t fucked/had realtionships with) is that they don’t find them attractive. So to me that’s a waste of my time. I have other tail to chase. I don’t need a girl to cry on my shoulder and whine about her b/f problems to me. Especially since I’m normally that guy who other girls whine and cry to others about.

Anyway, you did seem vaguely interesting. Your looks are ok but your attitude and style interested me a whole lot more. Too bad. Might have been fun to go on a date with you. Nothing special mind you, just a normal date. Oh well. Your loss. Not mine really. Good luck and I hope someday you find happiness or whatever the hell it is you’re looking for. Later.

MG

i read it and had the most confused and "what the fuck?"-ish face ever, according to my friend who was sitting next to me. i know i always go out of my way to e-mail someone an explanation for why i think they're a waste of time in my opinion, especially when i don't consider the loss mine in any which way.

riiiiiiight.

so, never one to not at least get a jab in, i e-mailed him back:

Mark,

Normally I wouldn't do this either but you seem disturbingly unaware of how things seem to work in a realistic sense. I consider myself lucky because I have four best friends--who are all male, mind you--who adore me, love me, and who are there for me no matter what and no matter where I find myself. I also have a wonderful family--so, in reality, I have no real reason to go out of my way to make a "male friend" so I have a shoulder to cry on--so, you were wrong on that count.

Now, you may learn something-so pay attention. I get the impression you think that simply conversing with someone in a purely internet forum entitles you to have some kind of date with the individual you're talking to, wholly disregarding the fact that the basis of any relationship--dating or not--is getting to know someone and judging from there. I'm sorry if you honestly thought you had a shot of getting something more than verbage from me, but I suppose that goes to your "waste of time" postulation about the entire situation. Obviously upon talking to you online I was supposed to make my life 3,000 miles away completely stop and sit around in eager anticipation for your arrival and our subsequent date. I'm also orry that at the ripe old age of twenty-nine you are still so fucking jaded that you can't see past your own insecurities and bullshit experiences to not simply pass someone off as a "waste of time" because you can't immediately hope into the saddle and get right to dating. I'm even more sorry that you honestly think you were being a big, kind-hearted person by going supposedly out of your way to e-mail me your bullshit excuse for the way things work in this world, and honestly thinking you could actually teach me something in that deleterious diatribe.

Wait, I take that back. You did teach me something-you're inconsiderate, selfish, washed out, and egotistical--all the things I absolutely loath in people. I didn't find you attractive, but at least I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt in every sense of the phrase, unlike you who cast me away as a waste of your time simply because I'm seeing someone at the moment.

I would wish you good luck in your journey to find someone who is enough of a dullard to put up with you, but it seems you've already found yourself and you're in love.

Don't bother replying.
-E

i swear...i'm a douchebag magnet.

_________**UPDATE**__________

a "reply" e-mail from el-douche-o with the subject line: "Nice fuckign blog entry bitch"--which, no doubt, further proves that i'm the one with the issues, the insecurities, and the one who bears the loss.

Elle,

Oops I bothered. You really left me no choice. I always get the last jab. Hey I’m kind of sorry I hurt you. I might even feel kind of guilty about it. Obviously, it bothered you a lot since you FUCKING POSTED IT ON YOUR BLOG! Yes I’m a step above the retards and plankton you probably date or fuck. I’m smart and I’m cunning, much wiser than you could ever hope to be. Once again you’ve proved that lawyers aren’t necessarily wise.

I wasn’t trying to give you a bullshit excuse. I really did enjoy talking to you. You do have some awesome qualities that I really like but you’re also Jewish. I did learn something. Date one large breasted, neurotic, unstable, Russian/Jewish chick you’ve pretty much dated them all. You have so much in common with one of my ex’s I wouldn’t be surprised if you two were related. And I’ll be damned if make that fucking mistake again. Unlike you, I learn from my shitty relationships.

As far as insecurities go, I really don’t have any. Admittedly I’m bitter after living in flaky so cal for so damn long (Note: I lived in Orange County, not LA, bitch). But I’m hardly insecure. As far as your male friends go, don’t be so naïve. Guys are only interested in one thing and you should know quite well what that is. If you disagree with me try calling one of them, flirt, and ask if he’ll come over and pound you tonight. Most likely he’ll be ringing the doorbell before you hang up the phone. Anyway, I know I’m easy to talk to but it does get old when everyone brings/dumps all their problems on me.

You may joke about putting off your life for someone 3,000 miles away but my last serious g/f did just that. Might have worked out too. But I turned my back on her. Hmmm kind of like I did to you. Anyway, I do give you props for pissing me off in ways that only my ex-g/f’s have. You truly are one cold, evil Jewish/Russian bitch.

MG

haha!! i love it when people have no idea who i am and how i operate...i also love that he still manages to put himself up higher on a pedestal while trying to berrate me in some way that's wholly unknown to me. i'm sure he'll read this, seeing as he finds me a total waste of time and has no intention of ever talking to me again yet still reads my blog...so to him i shall say: you're truly pathetic..but, honestly? thanks for the laugh..i'm near tears over here. woo! i needed that.

in my dreams i'm dying all the time, then i wake to my kaleidascopic mind. i never meant to hurt you, i never meant to lie..but this is goodbye.

before we start...yes, i'm well aware that i'm sucking at this blogging thing. it's like riding a bike, i just need a few run arounds to get into the swing of things again.

that, and it's finals time...and it's also snowing. definately feels like april.

anyway...on with the proverbial show.

last weekend marked the first "fight" that the boy-i-am-dating-but-refuse-to-admit-it's-anything-serious-and-shall-hereafter-ever-be-called-boytoy had. i say "fight" because i'm really not much of a fighter when it comes to matters of my heart and/or feelings. i'd pretty much rather roll over and play dead than have to actually voice the goings-on in my head.

basically, i was rather pissed that he didn't talk to me all weekend. we never made definitive plans, but he was planning on spending the night saturday and, thus, i planned accordingly. he never called...and with regard to the plans we had on sunday, he said "well, i'll feel like shit if i don't go, but if i do go, it's only because i'll feel guilty for not going so i'm screwed either way."--can you say ouch? so fine, i did things on my own...left him alone. he called later sunday night, and made me talk.

he made me talk about what was bothering me, what he did wrong, and what he could do to fix it.

it turns out he just had a horrible day at work on saturday and didn't want to deal with anyone [read: me]...and i flat out told him to just tell me that in the future, rather than just not bother talking to me at all. if he wants alone time, i'm completely okay with that and more than understanding of that.

so fine. we achieved resolution...he will do me the justice of explaining why he will now ignore me, i will do him the justice of smiling, nodding, and not giving him shit over it.

righteous.

this brings me to last night. he came over, which is always cool with me. he watched the baseball game, i went to pick up sofie, i came back to make dinner, and he puts on golfing. c'mon now people...who the fuck actively watches golf? so, i said "there's no way in fuck i'm watching golf."...and he said "well you don't have to watch it. you're not watching it i am."

excuse me? you're sitting on my couch, in my apartment, watching my tv...and you're going to tell me what the fuck is going to be played on that tv? why the fuck did you come over if all you wanted to do is your own fucking thing?

did i say that? 'course not. i just shook my head and continued cooking...and let him choose whatever the fuck we watched and i did it with the greatest of indifference...which irked the shit out of him. complacency never worked so well.

then, later that night...after he got his, i got fairly close, and we both had a fairly good time...we started talking about the future.

we always talk about our future...and i'm sure most women would be ecstatic to hear them being factored into the dude's future, but i'm not a huge fan on it....mostly because it leads to me getting pissed off...because we're both stubborn but i'll be amenable to keep the peace.

i especially get pissy when he starts getting into how we'll raise our children. he's catholic, i'm jewish...he wants absolutely no religion...but we can celebrate channukah and christmas.....and when i bring up the possibility of having a brisk, or a bar/bat mitzvah...he gets huffy, and puffy. basically, it's an all or nothing thing with him....either we do all of the catholic and jewish shit...or we do none of it, and to me that's absolute bullshit.

but my thoughts on his take are neither here nor there, why? because we don't have kids...we aren't married...we haven't even been dating 6 months....or much over 2 months at that. why do we have to talk about it? why do we have to discuss it?

why do i have to sit there and figure out how to explain that i want to expose my children to judaism, not for the religious aspects of it, but because more than three-quarters of my family died for simply being jewish...not being religious or practicing. how do i tell him that their deaths seem in vain to me if i throw my hands up and say "okay" to throwing everything with a religious overtone outside of christmas and channukah completely out the window?

regardless..i'm dismissing most of my anger as the sum of being on the diet from hell for a week, the full moon, and ovulation and subsequent leaking.

but...why do we have to discuss it anyway?!

i swear, though...if he brings it up again i'm going to ball tap him.

i used to long for time alone, i used to long for a safe place to call my own, and i'm losing faith in everyone. i'm lost, so lost, i'm lost at sea.

leave it to me to get so drunk and stoned that i throw my morals out the window and the need to get some dick supercedes the need to like myself in the morning.

leave it to me to find a guy, bring the guy home, and proceed to engage in debauchery...only to have the guy be "so nervous" he's unable to get hard and marshmallow-in-keyhold action ensues.

leave it to me to find the one guy who does not want to be simply a mistake in my book, and who has no desire to be simply a notch on my bedpost.

yes, leave it to me to find the only guy in this world who spends a night with a chick, can't perform at all, and wakes up in the morning with the assumption that you two are together, and promptly refers to you as "his girl" to the first fucking person that calls him.

yup. i can't even have random sex correctly....NOPE! i get a guy who genuinely likes me and can't fuck me, and then throws out that fucking "girlfriend" bullshit the minute i open my eyes in the morning and who actually went out and bought me a holiday gift.

you may be sitting there thinking "awww, that's so sweet. he likes you and he got you a gift." but you're out of your fucking mind if you're sitting there thinking that and also keeping in mind that i met the guy at eight o'clock at night on a saturday, and at seven o'clock at night on monday i got a phone call asking when he can come over and give me my gift...

i had five finals last week...and he felt the need to call me every fucking night, and periodically through the day to ask me such pressing questions as "do you miss me?" as if i could actually miss anything when my ulcer is going fucking insane, i have a shitload of legal crap and accounting bullshit to memorize, and i'm running on no sleep and no real food....

i got a phone call saturday afternoon in which he bitched and moaned about how horrible and disgusting he felt because he had some stomach bug, and he didn't just bitch and moan and give me a play by play about his puke-action....but he did it in fucking baby talk.

baby mother fucking talk.

and after he goes on and on about how horrible he feels and how much he hates throwing up, he asks if he can come over. am i being a total bitch in thinking that makes no sense? am i being a total bitch in thinking that calling someone for the sole purpose of bitching about how absolutely disgusting you feel is utter and complete crap? am i a complete bitch for thinking it's fucked up he bought me a holiday gift?

fuckin' hell.....how pathetic is my life?!

i need to get rid of him. bleh.

suckin' on my titties like you wanted me, callin' me all the time like blondie. it's fine all of the time like sex on the beaches. fuck the pain away.

let me eschew you with a warning:

i have bruises on my inner thighs.

we're talking black and blue along the entire area defined as "inner thigh."

i know, you're probably sitting there thinking it's from muy thai, krav maga...or some other lunatic activity i absolutely adore...and i can't say i fault you for thinking along those lines because when i opened my shower curtain, peered in the mirror, and saw the lovely bruises i muttered a "fuck" and assumed it was from me being an absolute ass clown; however, i haven't really done anything that fucktarded in the past two weeks on account of the holiday weekend, finals, and getting over pneumonia. in fact, the only thing i've done in the past two weeks outside of running and lifting weights, is bag work...and even though the bag moves and smacks into you when you hit...well? i'm not sitting there with my legs wrapped around it while punching. [nice mental image, i know..heh]

it then dawned on me that a friend spent the night on friday on account of me being so absolutely wasted that i was stumbling around [reminder kids. don't drink and not eat. k? k!]. being the swell guy he is, he offered to drive my car home for me and make sure i was okay...so sweet huh? so, earlier this afternoon i called him: "dude, did anything happen on friday night?" "what do you mean?" "like...physical shit?" "not really. we made out, some heavy petting..but even when you're faded you're a total prude. you wouldn't let me even get a hand down your pants, let alone take them off...same with your shirt. you were drunk as shit, i was tipsy, don't worry...i don't think it means anything."

total aside:

aside from the last statement making me happier than a pig in shit because he has had a "thing" for me for a while, i wound up spending an hour sitting and thinking what the fuck is wrong with me? it's so not my style to make out with a random person, or a friend...even when i am drunk...OH! but when you have fantasies and sex dreams that all involve you masterbating because you have been bereft of any human sexual contact for that long....when the prospect of human contact arises, you take it...even if it's just some heavy petting and making out. oh, and while i'm being random and in the mood to share..to anyone who asks why i am kinda anti vibrator...well, let me just say i have a finite reason now: vibrator+piercing=click, click, click, click and the mood is dead. yay!

what confuses the shit out of me is what the fuck he was doing. i mean, i've been celebate for a while but i'm not a total newbie..and never before in my life have i ever had bruises on my inner thighs because i was engaging in some hot and heavy seventh grade action with a guy. i've never even had bruises on my innter thighs after a night of rough sex. alright, fine..my pants stayed on...but was he petting? or jab-jab-cross-ing my crotch in the hopes i'd feel a tingle and moan?!

that leads me to this public service announcement of da buttah's broadcasting system:

if you have a dick, it's attached, and you're trying to get with a chick...here is the shit you should not do...especially if that girl is me.

1. the clit. all men claim to know where it is, all women are shocked as fuck that men can't seem to find it. how hard is to find a nubby beanish thing? it feels like nothing else down in the swamp thing and it's towards the top of the cute little verticle smile. some girls, like me, have a proverbial x that marks the spot, and yet? guys forgo the giant "hello, my clit is here" barbell and dig around for god fucking knows what. if you can't find it, if you're clueless, if the chick is not into it at all, laughing, or you can tell she's trying to guide you towards it....don't fight it! go with the guiding, or fucking ask her to show you. we'll appreciate it more.

aside from the failure to find it, what men seem to do with it is somewhat astonishing. men, do you want a girl to bite on your dick? no, so why the fuck are your teeth anywhere near my clit? why are your teeth even exposed during your dine out session? same rules apply for eating cream puff as they do for sucking dick: NO TEETH. along those same lines, i've heard more than enough men bitch about a girl who pulls too hard on their junk...and yet? i think amost every guy i've ever been with has felt compelled and ergo acted upon this sick need to see how far my clitoris can extend from my body. dude! don't do that--it hurts. suck on it fine, don't fuckin try and rip it off...there's nothing pleasureful about it.

as a personal pet peeve regarding my piercing: it's a metal barbell that goes through the hood and guys are like a dog with a bone when it comes to it...and guess what? pulling on a barbell that goes through a flap of skin that is not even a quarter inch thick, or sucking on the aforementioned barbel like a fucking pork rib does not feel good. the point of the barbell is to heighten senstaion in the clitoris by "channelling," so to speak, any caress in the nether regions to that cute little bean because it sits right over it. in essence, it's supposed to make your job easier....and yet? you sit there pulling, biting, and suction-holding it rather than rubbing it. *sigh* idiots.

oh, and the no pulling, no hardcore sucking, and no pulling also applies to nipples.

2. vagina. to start, props for being able to find that fairly easily. there are fumbles, but i think after high school and, at the latest college, that's over. that, however, does not mean you are in the clear. in essence, i don't really blame men, per se, for their total fuck ups with the vah-jay-jay...rather, i think all the no-no's come from the porn industiry. first up on the no-no's is the jack-hammer. not sure where men got this idea that slamming their dick into a girls vagina over, and over, and over again at high speed and rapid succession was going to make her squeal with orgasmic delight...but get that fucking idea out of your head. just 'cause the chick in the porn screamed louder when the dude begain slamming the fuck out of her does not make it something women want. porn is fantasy, predominately male fantasy....but aside from penetration there really is nothing realistic about it. is your dick as big as the guy in the porn? yea, i didn't think so and that's exactly my point. the jack-hammer is vaginal abuse and you can actually bruise a woman's vagina by doing it...if you bruise her vagina, you not only will not be jack-hammering her for a while but you won't be getting laid for a while. the message is clear: if you want to slam your dick repeatedly into something extremely fast, take your left hand, make a "c" with it, and have a blast. if you want to actually have your dick find a warm, wet, happy home...stop jackhammering.

in the area of dining...never in my life have i ever met a woman who actually enjoyed it when a guy shoved his tongue into her vag...which i'm sure some guys will dispute [and have disputed with me when i've brought this up] and some women will to.... but, from my experience no chick really gets anything from it. i've seen it in more than enough porns to understand why guys think it's a thing to add to their "to do" list..but think of it this way: there's a reason your dick gets hard...there's a reason you use your fingers to manually stimulate her...there's a reason why every sex toy on the market is firm and not squishy...that reason is because that's what turns we womenfolk on. using your tongue is the equivalent of shoving a marshmallow in a key hole...yea, sure it fills it...but it doesn't open the fuckin door. not to mention, while you're busy trying to taste our uterus...we're laying there wondering when you'll get back to the shit that feels good, and if that woman is me...my mind fairly quickly wanders to shit that isn't condusive to getting off. keep your tongue out of my vag and up by the clitoris it's supposed to be playing with and things will work out just dandy.

when you are in foreplay mode and clothes have not come off yet--at least not the pants--don't waste your time trying to access the love canal. you can rub, you can blow on it [boys, that feels awesome], but there's a layer of clothe seperating your hand from her cooch...and in most cases two layers because she's also got underwear on...the odds of you getting near penetrating are none. focus on other things, like her breasts, her neck, her ears, her tummy, her jawline etc...and leave it alone...otherwise she might end up with bruised inner thighs like yours truly and it ain't pretty.

also, when in foreplay mode with clothes on...remember those one to two layers seperating you from her cooch? yea, remember that when you're on top of us with your own pants on doing the ol' dry humpage action. i know you want to show off how big, manly, and well-endowed you are...but not even ron jeremy is well-endowed enough to make his penis felt through two pairs of pants without jabbing his pelvis into a chick. we know you're hard...it really doesn't take much to make you hard...you don't have to prove it, just like you'd be weirded the fuck out of we tried to sit on your face while wearing pants to show you how wet you make us.

we'll leave it at that...for now. i'm sure i'll have some more retarded fucked up fumblings to report back to you that will be a giant red flag for men out there to stop whatever the fuck it is they think turns we women folk on.

live long and prosper, oh xy-ed ones.

somehow i fell down by the wayside, and somehow this hell is my home. i have everything i need to make life completely revolting.

i went on a date, it went decently well, he was fairly cute and very cool...and i'm fairly sure it was a one time deal. i will say that going out with a guy who is into the same things as me--in particular cars and music--and would talk about anything including disgusting fucked up shit that i seem to gross everyone out with...was fucking awesome, as was his cadillac thug-tastic belt buckle.

but that's not the point.

i was told by six distinctly different people this weekend that i have no idea how to take a compliment, and one of those times was after i told e about my date, and ended things with "but i doubt i'll see him again, so whatever. fun night, good time. that's about it."

"you always do that!"
"do what?"
"sell yourself completely short. you're awesome and if he doesn't talk to you ever again it's because he's either a fairy fuck, or he's intimidated by how beautiful and awesome you are. now shut up."
"hah, okay riiiiiiight. thanks e...anyway.."
"you don't believe me do you?"

and that's the point. i do.

it's not that i can't take compliments, so much as the minute kind words pass the lips of an onlooker it devitalizes me. it sends me into this unwarranted tizzy of my own fucked up ideologues. it sends me fleeing back into my own little head to fix the uproar those dulcet little words cause...

because things don't make sense. things don't flesh out in reality as they do in the make believe world of human interaction, niceties, and euphonious phrases...and the lack of parity between the two diametrically antipodal worlds has gone from being a smile and a heart felt "thank you," to a forced smile, a "thank you" through clenched teeth, and my self esteem plumetting to unknown levels of low.

it's completely antithetical to the whole purpose of a compliment, i know.

but there comes a point when things go from being "it will be" to "it'll happen eventually" to "maybe" to "it probably won't happen for me, but it could" to buried in the landscape of the mind with a headstone that reads "here lies a hope...a dream...an aspiration. may it rest in peace and atone for the sin of causing a pilgrimage to a non-existent holy land and for causing an onslaught of misplaced effort and undue reveries.".....and i'm almost a hop, skip, and a jump away from the metaphorical funeral.

yea, i know i'm twenty-four (almost twenty-five....dear god, that's scary), but it's been three very, very, very long years....and it doesn't pan out to me. if i am as pretty, and fun, and awesome, and perfect as everyone iterates to me...if complete strangers walking down the street can stop just to tell me i'm very attractive...if every guy i have a long standing relationship with can look me in the eye and say that they just want to meet a girl who has a kick ass personality like me.......then how come i'm sitting here completely alone, not a single prospect in sight, with rejection after rejection mounting into what appears to be the emotional equivalent of quartering.

so...it's not that i can't take a compliment...it's not that i don't believe what people tell me...it's that it hurts to hear people say things so nectareous...

it hurts a lot...

and it's gotten to be so much that it's almost impossible to consolidate the absolute divergence between the opinions people have of me, and the reality of the ways things are for me.

"if you don't have anything nice to stay, don't say anything at all"

who knew my rules would be so fucked up?

it feels worthless. it feels like i've lost al my value that i can't ever be wanted, and i'm just scared-so scared-that i'll fail you.

i need you...

to get out of my thoughts, to get out of my reveries, to disappear from existence every time i close my eyes, because this can't be normal...this can't be natural...and it's certainly not normal or natural to me.

every time i slip slightly from actuality there you are, or at least what i think you are and it can't be commonplace to fantasize about a potential pigment in a rainbow built on impossibility...

impracticability...

unfeasability.

no. that's the sort of thing for dreamers. that's the kind of thing optimistic people do....they look out into the future and see an endless stream of possibilities and think nothing teeters that fine line of futile. that's the kind of thing people who truly do move on without so much as a scrape from the war zone and wreckage brought on by the ghosts of relationship past...

unlike the majority of us who say we've moved on, act like we've moved on, and silently lick our wounds when it's damn near impossible for anyone to be looking, and if they are looking, well...then all bets are off, but the truth won't ever pass go , collect a chance at verbalization, and buy property on the lavish road entitled "i'm vulnerable, i'm uncomfortable, and i'm human."

fortitude finds few and it certainly stopped looking for me...and my wounds have festered into a blistering boil of diffidence and timorousness.

so please...

get out of my head....leave my thoughts...disappear when i close my eyes. kindly turn around when i reach a new level of sexual apex, even though that climb was all because of you.

my heart can't flutter on a wing and a near impossible prayer...and i'm far to fragile to handle the inevitable plummet that all the cards in the world have concluded is the only possible way for this incubus to end. the only thing at the end of this rainbow built on droplets of unthinkable, is a rain cloud filled with my tears.

you've made me into a dreamer...something i'm not meant to be...

that's why i need you...

to go...

so i can end this nightmarish discomposure...

i need you...

i couldn't eat for days, i cried so much my face hasn't been the same. now you're back here with your lies. i hope you realize i don't forgive easily

alright, before i get into things...can i just extend a hearty "what the fuck?" to this new birth control thing entitled the "nuva ring"? i mean seriously! what the shit is that? as if the patch wasn't stupid enough, now you're going to insert a plastic ring into your cooch so that the perilous and mind consuming task of remembering to take a pill that is dwarfed by a tic-tac is no more. who wants to shove something into their vagina and leave it there for a month? and, outside of that, if you can't remember to take a fucking pill once a day then odds are you shouldn't be anywhere near something that could let you procreate and spread your fucktarded seed into the gene pool.

alright! glad i got that off my giguntor chest.

anyway...for those playing "e's life, the home game"...i suppose i should divulge a bit about my little ol' date huh?

it went...umm okay?

he's from philly, moved here a few months ago for his residency, and has no clue about anything here other than he hates it [amen to that]. thus, per my decree, we met at one of my most favoritest bars here in the shithole of america...and we talked about everything from my hood piercing to politics. he's laid back and mellow much like i am [okay..fine..minus the mellow because i'm one hyper lil' spazz] and he had the most gorgeous eyes. the best way to encapsulate his peepers is to say he has doe eyes, and i realize that's a very homsexual and shitty analogy...but they were big, brown, warm, and insanely innocent. we met at nine, we departed at eleven...not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, albeit he was on call and missed his beloved "gray's anatomy" to meet me.

the final words? "that was fun, we should do it again sometime"..to which i said "anytime" and the final act was an awkward hug. my conclusion is i probably won't hear from him ever again. i'm sure you are all sitting there going "you're too hard on yourself!" or "you don't know that!" or, better yet "well, he's a retard if he doesn't see how awesome you are." tra la la la la...but i'm not going to argue any of that, even if i completely disagree.

nope. i think i won't hear from him again for one simple reason: i don't know how to not be aloof.

i'm not completely distant or cold...but i'm not overflowing with joy and excitement either, and i can see how that comes off in a bad light vis a vis the guy sitting next to me trying to feel things out. it's hard enough to meet someone you don't know and find a common ground and feel things out, but when you add in the fact the person is well guarded and slightly ambivalent...well? i would imagine it's like pure hell.

i'm extremely laid back, but i'm also petrified of relationships...and i think the combination equates to an air of disinterest on my part. it probably doesn't help that i have no idea how to gauge if someone is interested in me or not either.

o-well. i have other things to worry about...like this upcoming departure from this piece of shit city i'm absolutely dreading.

oh..and in other news...i tested out the hair dye i'm using for halloween..and holy fuckin'a it's bright as shit...

seriously, i had to light it up in photoshop so that it didn't just look like big red streaks in a black abyss. i love eeeet! but thank the lord it washes out in ten shampoos!

throw away the shoelace that tripped you. realize that sometimes your not okay. maybe you should sleep, as clumsy as you've been. no one's laughing

i must admit, i had a rather interesting weekend. [and a four day weekend at that...muahaha! eat it up bitches!]

it wasn't the activities that made it interesting...although, sitting around while having a beer and talking about vaginitis with ten guys i've never met before was rather....we'll go with interesting to keep this theme of verbal redundancy i've seemed to commence.

what was particularly interesting is the following:

friday: told i was a sarcastic little brat by a guy i met

saturday: told i was a complete smart ass by one of the aforementioned ten knights of the vaginitis table, told i was insanely sarcastic by a different vaginitis knight, overheard a guy i talked to at the bar say "that one has got a fucking mouth on her"

sunday: fill in more of the same types of verbage from above.

that part really isn't that interesting...i'm usually told i'm one sarcastic little bitch, that i have a mouth on me, and that i take very little seriously...that's fine. what's strange, is that everyone who mentioned it was enamored with that aspect of me.

say it with me people: what the fuck?!

talk about throwing a fucking wrench in my finely tuned machine of being a complete turn off in every sense of the word imaginable and every feasibly way, huh? when my looks fall short as being a deal breaker, i just award my star studded winning personality with the grand prize of my continued shitty luck with the opposite sex....and now that entire system has been shot to complete shit.

in completely unrelated news, i went off my diet hardcore style today...and i loved every fucking minute of that slice of chocolate cake. sure! i'll hate myself tomorrow morning, but right now my ovaries, my migraine, and my chi are all harnessed, aligned, and fuckin satiated.

and that's all i got. i've been a zombie all weekend thanks to this migraine and the most surefire partial relief of ambien and vodka, so i'll continue to spare you of anything going on in my wee little frail, feeble, female, mind.

oh! but before i depart and find sanctuary in a scolding hot shower and refuge in my glorious bed, i'd like to call your attention to the "read the entire post" link that may periodically appear at the bottom of my posts...as it does in the post below....yea, that's me being nice and not putting everything i blabber about on the main page. you click it, you get the whole verbose shabang. i've been using it for a while, but i actually got a few e-mails asking me what it was yesterday, so...there's the clarification.

consider it my gift to you....i care, and therefore i shield you away from the endless ranting, raving, blabbering, verbosity, and stupidity that flow forth from my tiny little hands.

no, really. my hands are tiny.

okay! i'm shutting up. promise!

over there stands my angry angel and he's shaking his head in disgrace with me. he's frowning like hell and i don't feel guilty. i'll release myself.

i realized earlier this week that i've been single for nearly three years, the last time i got laid was in april [and it fucking sucked something aweful], and the closest i get to physical rapture is in muy thai, and that's only because i'm a serious massochist and fucking love it when i walk away from training in a shit-ton of pain and a limp. i've successfully wasted and continue to waste my years of sexual prowess..or should i say the years where sexual prowess is okay. FUCK! i'm a waste of a vagina and double d tits!

but, of course...jdate to the rescue.

in the ten minutes i was logged into the website today some douchewad opts to instant message me and of course i opt to share the joy [and why muy thai and the affection of my dog and cat are more than enough such that i can continue avoiding dating like the fucking plague.] enjoy! and for you idiots, i'm fulablahnikluv.**

IMJam62481: So what do you look for in a guy?
fulablahnikluv: wow, that's to the point
IMJam62481: lol i dont like to waste time
fulablahnikluv: i have no idea. when i meet a decent one i'll tell you
IMJam62481: LOL...
IMJam62481: so tell me, r u more naughty or nice?
fulablahnikluv: depends on how you define them
IMJam62481: Well on a scale of 1-10, how sexual and open minded r u?
fulablahnikluv: on a scale of 1-10..how well does this "balls out" approach really work?
IMJam62481: Well its the first i have tried it... u tell me
fulablahnikluv: i'm assuming most girls wouldn't find it as amusing as me, and just block you
IMJam62481: well in that case lets get together for some fun
fulablahnikluv: i'm sorry, did this turn into JFuck when i wasn't looking? or did you mistake me for some kind of slut who you had a shot with, to begin with?

and then? the douchebag fucking blocks me. yup. he. blocks. me. how can you talk such a "big game"...albeit e-game...and then run away to mommy when you being an asshole oh-so-shockingly goes wrong? fucking pussy.

oh, and continuing with the jew theme of this post...october second is yom kippur. my tax professor is having our first exam that day. inconsiderate fucking asshole. i tried to talk to him about it last wednesday when he announced the date and he seriously looked at me like i just took twenty hits from the bong and was speaking aramaic in iambic pentameter. my guess is i'm going to have to suck it up, go there all malnourished and fast-ridden, and take the goddamn exam...'cause i'm guessing trying to talk to his bigoted catholic self won't really make a huge difference. it's the proverbial "taking one for the team," except, there is no team and i just get triple fucked: i don't get to eat all day, i have to take a fucking exam, and my atonement time is being compromised.

anyway...have some skanky goth boots.

i borrowed them from a friend who is about two inches taller than me, so other than the fact i can't bend my knee enough to get up off the ground and have to use what little upper body strength i have to get up, they're actually kind of comfortable!

** so i just realized that the im conversation wasn't showing unless you actually clicked to view the entire post...sorry about that! somehow it fell into the wrong span class...must be the evils of copy and pasting into blogger with the automatic post template script i use to allow for "post summaries" rather than having all my blabbering all out there. sorry!!

i'm glad i've had some friends come and go but there's no way to know which ones you'll wish you had around all along. i like where things could go.

hoy. i'm so not lookin forward to waking up early tomorrow. i mean waking up early usually sucks ass, but i'm physically exhausted.

and sore.

so sore that writing hurts. i'm not kidding. apparently i was ready to go balls out and spar someone instead of just do bag work at muy thai on friday, and apparently i did fairly well...but apparently my mucles were having none of it. i was feeling a little sore when i went to bed on saturday morning, but come waking up about four hours later i could barely move. i couldn't just move a limb, i had to move my entire body to move. i won't even go into the joy i experienced when i tried to sit on the toilet in the morning.

but i fucking showed up on saturday morning to do it again! and now i'm fucked up! and speaking of fucked...guess who's parents are coming for new years (jewish new years people...jewish new years)?

oh yea...one glorious weekend...mother, father, and brother all in my apartment. you can't see my face at the moment, but i guarantee you it is the face of sheer excitement [/end total sarcasm]. i'm not dreading it...okay i'm not dreading it completely, but it's going to be interesting to say the least. it'll be even more interesting since dinner is at my place on friday and thought i have an idea of what i want to serve, i'm thinking it'll be a no-go when my parents arrive. woot. i'm so beyond fucking excited.

anyway...i had a decent weekend. met up with good date-guy again. strangely enough, the same day i pretty much figured i'd probably never hear from him or see him again, i got a phone call saying he and a friend were in town and that he would like to meet up. naturally, i skipped class and hung out with them, and once again had a good time with him. so fucking unfair! couldn't he have been like a total douche? couldn't i have had a horrible time? nooooo, i had to have an ejoyable time and genuinely enjoy his company both times...nope, i had to walk away at the end of the night and beat him the fuck out of my thoughts, then do it again in the morning, then again randomly in the afternoon, and a little more rinse-lather-repeat action throughout the day and week.

nope, i like the dude. i genuinely enjoy his company...granted i've only gone out with him twice. kind of sucks that most likely nothing will come out of it. what's pretty funny is that while we were at the bar watching the steelers game, a woman sitting by us thought he and i were married...and rather than correct her he played along with it completely.

*sigh* being single is getting old and is starting to suck....almost as much as this post, so i'll just shut it.

oh, and for those playing at home...i'm a redhead again.

and i totally forgot to mention this but---FUCK YEA PATRIOTS!