we'll start with something blatantly obvious:
mr and mrs. smith is disturbingly horrible. it's not horrible in that "oh my god, how did they ever even let this go into production" way....which it is, don't get me wrong...but the overtone of "jesus fucking christ my little cousins skid marks could probably be as good as this movie if you added random shit blowing up" totally makes it one of those movies you can't stop watching for fear that you might miss the most formulaic hollywood bullshit....oh, and the haggard brad pitt and alien-esque angelina jolie attempting to act like hardass assasins who have been married for six years and yet live completely secret lives with respect to one another.
plausible no? little woman hides her arsenal of weapons in the oven, while the mister hides his oozie and grenades in the greenhouse.
little alien woman and haggard man try to blow each others brains out in their humble abode, and all the neighbors do is ring the doorbell to make sure everything is okay.
not even the delicious asshole ways of vince vaughn could have saved that horrendous movie...and i'm serious it took a goddamn near miracle for me not to bitch smack the guy in front of me who watched it during white collar crime.
now, onto the not so obvious.
i spent $150.00 on a new scale. i'm tired of my parents constantly pointing to my weight as an issue for whatever, and i'm more than tired of having plastic surgery offered to me on a silver platter almost everytime i see them as of late, so? fuck it. bring on the hardcore killing of the self to get back down to a weight that doesn't get the typical "ten more pounds and you'll be gorgeous" response...
course i have no idea what that weight is, since i've never been at it...even when i was at my thinnest...but hey, no harm in a good challenge right?
so i bought this scale. it is fucking amazing....after you program it, which is like fucking figuring out a rubics cube and took me about a half hour. it tells you how much water weight you have, how much your body fat percentage is, how many calories you need to eat in a day after you input the amount of calories you burned when you weigh yourself so that you will continue to lose.
if it came with a 2 karat diamond ring i might even be able to look over the fact it doesn't have a dick and blissfully enter matrimony.
in other not so blatantly obvious news...the lines of communication between the pooch and i are murky.
we've never really had a problem communication before. when she has to potty, she grabs her leash smacks me in the leg with it. when she has to puke, she sits in the kitchen and waits for me to lay out papertowel for her to puke on. when she wants to play, she smacks me in the head with her rope toy. see? communication is crystal clear for the most part.
the problem is, i don't know what's gotten into her as of late. she's taken to sleeping in the shower...and no, i don't mean on the pillow i put in the place of the bathmat in the guest bathroom where she normally sleeps...no, i mean in the actual shower where you splish splash and take a mother fuckin bath.
she's also started to come flying out of nowhere with her tail between her legs and her ears tucked back straight into my lap. she shoves her head right under my head like a little petrified kid. it's not like i can ask her what's wrong...so i'm kind of at my wits end.
she eats, she drinks, she chews on her toys and plays with the non-chew toys, she runs and jumps and plays when we're outside. so what the fuck?!
i'm not a bad mom, am i?
oh..and i'm not supposed to say anything about my family on here anymore..but where i allowed to actually allowed to i would probably say happy birthday to the woman who made me possible. but i can't...so we'll just leave that alone.
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25 comments:
are you mental? you kept the 'a' let's hope someone cares about my dog rant as well as the 'b' let's hope someone cares about my dog rant? not exactly spontaneous. the fact that you write 2 versions of something so insanely trivial in a desperate search for approval is quite disturbing
I need a scale that will physically stop me from eating like a fucking pig.
Anonymous: you know what's funny? i deleted the double "dog" trival bullshit, so don't blame your shitty browser not refreshing on me being mental. and lets not talk about desperate when you sit there hiding behind the guise of no name or face. easy to talk a big game and insult someone when you're nothing, huh?
Yournamehere: you're tall and skinny. shut it.
Thank god, someone else hated Mr. and Mrs. Smith...........
The weight issue and the scale really bother me.......but I'll let it go for now.
Hmmm, on the dog......*shrugs shoulders* sorry, not a clue
M&M Smith...whatever...after seeing some of these peoples work I should have continued after my stellar work in grade school
The scale...the tech side of me says cool. The healthy side of me says, at least it tells you everything. Even if you didn't want to know..you can bitch it out and it can't answer back ( can it?)
The dog...hmmm...new neighbor somewhere with a evil dog whistle? Watch the Dog Whisperer. Really, learned all kinda shit. The little dude rocks. DON'T BUY IT A FRIEND.
Lets just say I know someone who did that.
But can the scale cook, E?
As for the pooch, my dog goes to the shower when I forget to fill the water bowl for like 5 seconds. He starts to lick around the drain, then goes to sleep right there in the tub. Maybe this is what is happening to your little guy.
Is there any chance someone is harrassing your dog when you're not around??? (just a thought)
I blame it all on giant ninja cockroaches.
;)
I'm going to go with what Andre said: construction. And the garbage shoot.
Ho.
Alright..the movie..yes it sucked but it was on the set of that movie that Brad threw away his marriage and knocked up ole' ex-BillyBob. So..that's a plus!?!?
New scale? I don't even own an old one..besides you look fine to me but I guess my opinion isn't important (but always right..LOL).
With the pooch...didn't you recently move? Sometimes that can cause issues.
Pyro: she looks like a fucking alien dude! from the profile, i admit she looks hot..but from head on? dear god! her eyes are miles apart, and her lips are so ungodly huge that they always look chapped. vomit!
Kristen: why does the scale bother you? it's good to know these things, no? how much of you is water weight is kind of refreshing :D
Atl: stellar work in grade school? oh now you have to tell me! i'm not going to get my dog a play buddy...i mean i will eventually, but not until i have a yard for them to play in. two dogs and a cat in an apartment is just psychotic and unfair.
Flounder: i can cook, so why should it?! no, she always has water. she has an electric water dish that filters the water, and when it's empty it makes the most obnoxious sound. i think it's the construction, the bass from the tv, and the fact the garbage shoot is next door. think it all comes together, and she's freaked.
Knight: um, how can someone harass a dog in a locked apartment? think out of the legal box, my dear!
Dzer: *gag* god forbid i have another one of those in the shower. oh that was a horrendous experience!
Kitty: yea yea, blow me.
Chris: eh, brad pitt is an idiot. that's all it proved. i did just recently move, so i'm thinking that the new locale being next to the garbage shoot for the apartments is part of it. i don't hear it, but hey..i'm deaf after all this old music.
I'm so glad to hear i'm not the only woman who hears: "You were so much prettier when you were 10 lbs. (insert random number in here) skinnier.
For what it's worth, kiddo, I think you're gorgeous.
Maybe your new apartment has ghosts that are freaking poochy out. Quick story: my wife and I stayed at my mom's house for a little while after my step-father died (while we house-hunted). One day our cat came sauntering into the bedroom, and right before she crossed the threshold, she freaked the fuck out. She jumped up in the air and spun around. After she landed, she hissed at nothing. Then she bolted under the bed. My wife was all freaked out, but I said it was just my step-dad's ghost. He used to love teasing cats.
I'm going to go with the dog realized you suck.
Kisses!
Dogs are a good judge of character...
Trouble: oh no i get it all the time from my parents. it's just getting tiring. and thank you :)
Vlad: but then the cat would freak out or act weird too, no? i believe in ghosts and spirits all that, but it seems a bit weird that the cat wouldn't give a shit and the dog would be flipping out all the time.
GNVP: woman took the xbox away huh?
Thatguy: i know, but she's not. at all.
My dog has been glued to my hip for the last three days. Want to trade?
Happy birthday, Mom!
Maybe it's the ghost of a dog-hater who only torments your dog? Yeah, I'm kinda stretching now.
I've gotta have one of those scales!
Poor puppy... I'm sure it has something to do with the move. Just be patient and poor on the attention.
Happy birthday to Momma :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAWTMOMMA!!
From all of us at the Meltdown to you... and many happy returns.
Now who do we send for spankings?
E please advise...
I enjoyed the Smith movie, but I was cracked out on Xanax and Lienenkugel's when I watched it, and I probably would've giggled at exploding frogs at that point.
Does the scale fly? How many miles per gallon?
um elle? for the love of all things holy elle learn the following phrase:
"i'm sorry you feel that way"
feel free to add any of:
"personally i like my body"
"you know i think i've had enough surgery and i would appreciate you ceasing and desisting in the offering of it"
"i'd rather not develop an eating disorder just yet"
"stop judging my body"
or something.
your parents are ASSHOLES to say such things to you. how dare they. you're beautiful and full of life and as soon as you lose some of the defensiveness (aka get out from under your parents terrible influence on your self esteem) i think you'll even be happy.
assholes.
don't listen to them and throw out the fucking scale (okay keep it, it sounds sexy but good god don't give up the haagen daaz, life's too short to skip beer and ice cream)
(and call the vet you trust the most and ask them if they think you should bring her in)
Balls: i would trade, except that wouldn't solve the problem. it would just move the problem from my lap to my hip. and i think my dog is bigger than yours...eep.
Vlad: i do think there's something in my apartment, because both my dog and cat will sit and look at the same spot the same way they look at someone who's talking to them. but yea, a dog hater is stretching it haha
Robynb: bed bath and beyond has a cheaper version for $100!
Em: she had a fantastic birthday...with no alcohol and minimal food. yay stents!
BottleRocket: i'll let you know about the mileage. don't mind me hanging around outside your window, k?
Sass: eh, i'd say it if i meant any of it. i think it's just their way of trying to be supportive and try to offer me ways to be happy *shrugs*....whatever. i've gotten good at ignoring it lately. and i think my dog is okay...i think it's her way of being needy and remember i exist. perhaps she's been talking to the other dogs at daycare and they told them how a dog should act, and she's trying.
Not to be "Sammy Spellcheck" but...oozi is not spelled oozi. It is spelled 'uzi'.
Have a great day!
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