Wednesday, August 13, 2008

i moved...again

what can i say, i like to from here on out i'll be over here getting my bitch on.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

nobody wants to know him, for they think that he's just a fool but the fool on the hill sees the sun going down and the world spinning round.

To Whom It May Concern:

Although I’m certain it neither has ever nor will ever concern the wholly bombastic synaptic reflexes that occur haphazardly in your weary little head that exists only in a realm of all things that perchance may serve you some kind of purpose or that requires the most minimal amount of effort on your part, I am not so fortunate. Laziness is a dish best served by someone else, and I was cast-off from that categorical servitude with not so much as even a breadcrumb to satiate my overactive mind.

I should have guessed a disconnect would have happened, after all it has so many times before; and yet this oh-so-commonplace dissociation seems so much more difficult to grin and bear than the rest. Honestly, at this moment in time, I really have no idea why since you have always clung to this creed of elementary and clairvoyant when it comes to dealing with people. You thrive on the path of least resistance, it’s a state of being you embrace in all facets of your life, so I suppose it’s mostly my own hurt and umbrageous nature that thought for so long perhaps things could be different.

Bottom line, I know full well that the old saying “out of sight, out of mind” has few caveats and when the majority migrated onto greener pastures I really didn’t care, but for some unbeknownst reason, I thought you would be different. I thought the six years of friendship forged between us and based on an undeniable kinship and understanding would conquer all. How foolish I must have been, no? I, of all people, should know that a friendship cannot exist merely by will alone, and a friendship certainly cannot exist absent the two required to tango. I understand that keeping in touch in this modern world has become increasingly more difficult, what with e-mail, instant messaging, and text messaging, but you would magically find the time to “speak” with me when it was in your best interest. Meanwhile, like the dolt I am, I would initiate everything: I called, I e-mailed, I texted, I visted, I planned and implemented vacations. It’s a laundry list of me, me, me, and it’s a laundry list that has finally solidified into the undeniable fact that whatever friendship, relationship, or acquaintance we might have had was wholly my own creation.

I’m not sure what I expected. I was the only one who didn’t stroke your ego continuously and cater to your desire to be placed on a pedestal: while others would engage you with how beautiful you supposedly are even if you are overweight, I’d simply invite you to the gym with me; while others would coddle your stupidity with regard to the internet and men, I would simply roll my eyes and say nothing more than “he’s an asshole,” and, while others would tell you how you can achieve anything, I would be the one telling you to get on top of things and actually work to get to where you want to be. I never quite fit the mold of the company you so obviously chose to keep, and so, in retrospect, I really shouldn’t be shocked that whatever existed between us was wholly a figment of my own imagination and doing, but I am.

It’s been nearly two years since you last bothered to acknowledge my existence, and for some reason I can’t seem to let go. In part it has to with the fact that there are so few genuinely good people in this world that when you do find one you hold onto them, and I just can’t seem to jump the hurdle that “genuinely good” is a description that never should have been assigned to you seeing as you lack even a hint of common courtesy. And yet, for some reason I just can’t get you out of my head. When my family asks about you, I pretend as if I don’t care we don’t speak, but I do. When my husband asked me what I did to cause our rift I yelled at him for assuming it was my fault, but I was secretly wondering if maybe it was something I did. When people asked if you would be my maid of honor I acted as if it was the most absurd idea I’d ever heard, but I’d always assumed you would be filling that role.

What’s absolutely pathetic on my part is that, even though you cast me off, I’d pick up things where they left off as if nothing happened were I given the chance. Lucky for me I’ll never get that chance. Without question, I really must thank you for striking me off the list of people you give any surmountable amount of a shit about because with friends who have no interest in you or your well being, who really needs enemies?

Respectfully Yours,

Sunday, March 16, 2008

tried to give you summer, but i'm winter. i wish i could give you spring, but i failed. i failed so hard.

today i'd like to share with you [i.e. absolutely nobody] why my vacation pretty much sucked and is seriously contending for the top spot on my "worst vacations ever" list pending how absolutely insane i shall get during the one-way twenty-four hour traveling time of a trek to get to russia [and back.]

oh, and before you get on my ass for being the maven of pessimism and negativity, i'm by no means saying i didn't have fun on my vacation. i mean, c'mon! i got to snowboard for a week and i got to spend a week in a romantic little cottage with my husband [yea yea, close enough], two things that are totally bomb ass. i even ventured back into the world of normal eating habits and, dare i say it, ordered dessert on our last night there, oh my! nevertheless, there are those instances where the good cannot possibly outweigh the bad and that's what's'a'goin' on here.

so, uhhh, yea...let's get on with it shall we?

10. we got snowed in. i knew it was absolutely idiotic to stop off in cleveland for one day, but who am i to deny him visting his hometown, his friends, and his family? just so happens that cleveland was slammed with fucking snow on friday and saturday and our flight on friday was canceled, and then our flight on saturday was also canceled. shit happens, i know, but that's two days that were subtracted from my vacation and that also happens to be two days that i had to spend calling continental airlines because, apparently, even if the state forces airports to close and flights to be canceled they aren't responsible for for rectifying it in any way, especially not in a gratis kind of way. best part of the whole experience? for the first hour i called continental it was busy...but it wouldn't be busy right away, oh no! it would be busy after you went through the menus and entered in all the information they asked for. coming in for a close second, though, was talking to four different fucking people and hearing four different fucking things regarding fees and available flight times. you'd think a company as big as continental would get their shit together, jaysus!

9. the cute little cottage had a few issues with it when we first arrived. it reeked of cigarette smoke, there were actual boogers stuck to the shower curtain, the blanket on the bed had what appeared to be a big ol' period stain in the middle, and, though not a problem per se 'cause i can't really complain about it, the jacuzzi tub took fucking forever to fill. all pretty gross, but once everything was taken care of, it was allllll gooood.

8. we went snowboarding in utah. have you ever been to bumble fuck utah? no cell phone service anywhere, no regular cable tv, no alcoholic beverages served in the normal places like the restaurant or a bar, and the internet at the hotel was mandated by state law to exercise parental controls and limit the pages we could view. i shit you not, i could look at more web content on my work computer, and they fucking block there's nothing there but a mountain, ski lifts, a few cabins, and a "mall" consisting of a tiny market, a sub shop, and a gear rental place. basically, if you weren't snowboarding, bathing, sleeping or eating, you were pretty much sitting there twiddling your thumbs bored as fuck.

7. he set it up so we had a romantic bath and massage at the spa, which was pretty fucking awesome. so why is it on the list? i happened to be allergic to the lotion/oil/whatfuckingever the masseuse used during the massage leaving me with a full body rash. i was relaxed..but i was also itchy like a mother fucker.

6. i'm not a big mexican food fan, naturally mike knows this and naturally his face reveals the complete shock when at dinner i ordered fajitas; however, brian head has one restaurant and after four days i was running out of shit to try. so, he gives me the whole "you hate mexican food, what the fuck are you ordering fajitas for?" shpeel, and then tells me i'm going to regret it. fucker, i hate it when he's right. montezuma had his revenge on my ass, literally, and all i ordered was americanized mexican cuisine. i spent the entire night going from the toilet to the sofa, all the while he slept like a fucking baby in the middle of the king size bed.

5. we landed in vegas, then woke up at 5am to drive to utah...add daylight savings into the mix and monday was the longest fucking day ever. we got to utah at 9am, get geared up and hit the mountain....conditions aren't powder heaven but they aren't horribly icy either, so i decide to fuck around and do some tricks...naturally, i underestimated the ice-if-ication right before i do a jump, and suffice it to say the landing wasn't pretty. i say, nay nay! the landing involved me landing on the side of my head...and, even though i had a helmet on, i wound up biting through a piece of my upper lip. yummmmmy, huh?

4. even with spf 15 on, i managed to get a goggle tan. it looks totally stellar, trust me. even more stellar is the fact the tip of my nose ended up was rocking the rudolph look for most of the trip.

3. the vet called and told me that lulu, my kitty cat, isn't doing very well. apparently, she's as much of an anomaly as i am: her BUN and CRE levels are elevated indicative of renal failure, but her urinalysis is absolutely normal. that said, they have no idea what is wrong with her and on tuesday she goes to a specialist. it's been a dark fucking cloud over my head since the vet called last thursday. hopefully she's okay-i can't imagine going to sleep at night without her laying next to me, and i really can't imagine sitting on the couch without her purring in my lap.

2. we went snowmobiling, which was totally baller...snowmobiling is pretty fucking awesome. we had a four hour excursion set up, and, seeing as i can't ever learn my lesson, i decided to try doing a little bit of a jump pretty much off the bat, bad idea. i went up, i went down, and inertia kept my torso going down...and inertia didn't give up until i smacked my head onto the handlebars. luckily, i had on a helmet, unfortunately the helmet visor got slammed into my chin creating a pretty big cut, and i somehow managed to split my lip completely open. oft course, after my little incident, the guide decides it's a good time to tell the group that conditions are terrible for doing jumps...little bit to late for that, asshole! anyway, not much for being a pussy or an attention whore, i suck it up and do the entire tour with nothing more than a piece of paper towel to attempt to soak up the blood. of course, one of the snowmobile's breaks down and we're stuck in an open area waiting for someone to come help, and i decide to putz around...while i'm off the six other people in our group--all couples with the chick riding in back--asks mike if we had planned to ride separately or if it just happened that way, to which he says "why wouldn't she want to ride on her own?"...and then the guys ask me the same thing as if i'm some kind of idiot for wanting to ride on my own snowmobile and not behind mike...i guess they were intimidated by the girl with bigger balls then them, huh? the tour finally ends, and, seeing as the bleeding hadn't stopped, i figure it'd be a good idea to get stitches. simple enough right? yea, no...remember when i said there was absolutely nothing in brian head, utah except a mountain and a few cabins? i wasn't kidding..we had to drive an hour and a half to the next town for the nearest mom'n'pop facility to give me stitches.

1. we left utah and got back to vegas at noon...and my flight wasn't until four mother fucking thirty, but, being the somewhat good girlfriend i am i opted to be dropped off at the airport and wait for my flight so that he could go spend time with his friends and get the bachelor party festivities under way [not his bachelor party, his friends]. no good deed goes unnoticed, so i had the joy of not only sitting in the airport for four and a half hours by myself, but i also had the joy of having my flight delayed a half hour as a result of a late inbound aircraft, then delayed for another hour due to mechanical issues, then delayed for another two hours as a result of the mechanical issues needing to be fixed, then delayed for another hour because the part they needed to fix happens to be the most obscure airplane part in the world and instead of fixing the plane they decide we get to wait for another aircraft to fly in for us to take. so instead of leaving at 4:30pm we left at 8pm...i didn't land until 4am...i didn't get home until 5am. so, i spent eight hours sitting in the las vegas airport going absolutely insane with a stitched up lip, the non-goggle covered part of my face peeling, only to get home at 5am so i could wake up at 6am for work.

yup. vacation pretty much least i'm still alive and not in jail...and at least i'm not pregnant...i hope. hmmm.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

'til the day your heart explodes or the day that you get old i will carry you 'til then from the beggining to the end. i wish you the best.

1. is there something about inclement weather that is so daunting to people that logic evades them and they must do all things that would cause the adverse effect of their intention? it's not the first or the last time you'll be driving in snow people...and the laws of physics are pretty static: objects in motion tend to stay in motion and an object met with resistance can only pervade force in direction of least resistance. in other words, if you slam on your breaks, you will fish tail, and if you slam on the gas while changing lanes you will spin out. your car technically can't do two things at once when it's sunshine kisses and fairytale skies, what the fuck makes you think it can do two things simultaneously when there's snow on the ground?

2. is "one"-ply toilet paper that is so thin and coarse it makes you feel like you just took some bark off a tree and opted to wipe your goodies with it, really that much cheaper than the softer more substantial two-ply's of the world? i've been to costco, i've compared the bulk prices, i'm still not convinced it really is a money saving choice. nay, i say it's a choice that simply deters people from using the facilities in a manner they would were they at home..well, at least women. i somehow don't really think men care.

3. i am addicted to call of duty 4. no,, i get moody when he sits there and plays for hours on end and i'm not allowed to..and i actually look forward to days when i get to come home early and get play all by my lonesome. that game is audiovisual crack.

4. smart phones are the most nonsensical thing in the world to me. remember the days when you weren't responsible for e-mails and work related shit because you didn't have access to a computer or the internet? remember when you didn't have a twenty-four hour portal to yourself and you could just relax and deal with work things when you got around to it and not in the middle of a romantic dinner for two? it was the bomb diggity, wasn't it? it'd be pretty awesome if you could do that stuff again, wouldn't it? and yet we idiotic and counter-intuitive individuals go out of our way to have the hippest most up-to-date smart phone out there so our work day can go from ten hours to twenty-four. seems kind of stupid huh?

5. wanted: a flamboyant and flaming gay man to plan my wedding with carte blanche for all things decorative and showy with the exception of the bride's veto power and the designated theme dictated by the above mentioned bride. details include flower arrangements, table center pieces, seating arrangements, overall look and feel of the room, hair and make-up of women involved in the wedding, and will involve assisting with the choice of bridal gown as well as dealing with a high-strung detail oriented perfectionist who must have things the way she wants and her even more high strung detail oriented perfectionist of a mother who also demands on having things the way she wants. applicants must be twenty or over and have proof of their fairy status.

6. in other wedding news, registration has begun and the overall gist of it goes a little something like this: "which one do you like?" "i don't care" "what about this one?" "no, that's ugly." "this one?" "no, it's still ugly. i like something like this. it's classic and won't ever go out of style. that's what we should be looking for." "so you do care." "no, if you want something else that's fine" "okay, so then what about this?." "absolutely not." yup, he's the most stubborn and insistent on his way apathetic guy ever, huh?

7. in an effort to show we chitlins the fatherland of our heritage, my family is taking a trip to eastern europe--latvia [where my mom is from], belerus [where my dad is from], st. petersburg [for no other reason than, why the shit not?] and moscow [ditto]. aside from the twenty-five hour and seventeen minute travel time both ways, i'm pretty stoked to go on the trip...or i should probably say i was. to go to russia you need a visa, and to get a visa you need to have an invite to visit russia...where do you get an invite? you pay a russian company an extraordinary amount of money to give you a slip of paper that says your invited. moreover, aside from the fact the application to get a visa is more probing than the applications i had to fill out to enter the ohio and new jersey state bars, you must document and prove why, if your parents or ancestors were once citizens of russia, you are not. how the fuck do i document and prove that? on top of spending close to three hundred bucks to just get a visa to enter this so-called democratic country in addition to the cost of plane tickets and hotels, now i have to explain in a diplomatic and poetic way that my ancestors were perhaps citizens of russia because russia decided it needed a little bit of cushion from the evil, evil democracies of the world and therefore opted to simply reach out and grab the nearest countries like a child who has no clue what the difference between his toys and anything else around him is, but most likely my ancestors weren't because jewish people were not afforded russian citizenship to begin with, and it all doesn't matter because my parents were never russian citizens and are not united states citizens ..and document this whole "transgression" against the fatherland? you're fucking kidding me, right? oh, and if you don't register your visa within three days of arriving within russia, you are detained in the country in some prison until they think you should leave...where do you register? no one really seems to fucking know. fuck this trip. seriously.

8. to have an aura of sarcastic, quick witted, darkness around you, you have to have the right type of personality and manner of carrying yourself. whether i have that personality and manner of carrying myself, i have no clue..but i do know i have that aura pretty much down to an art. it's a skill to be able to bitch, moan, complain, and express an overall disgusting and disdain for the world and people who inhabit it in a way that doesn't make you seem like a condescending, stuck-up, elitist swine. it takes a certain panache to pull it all off and make it seem comical and like nothing more than a simple commentary. a girl who works in the building with me tries her hardest to act like she's got it, but she doesn't. she lacks that total disquietude and complete irreverence to pull it off and she just comes off like someone who just complains and whines about everything. i'm not sure why she wants the aura to begin with, but girl doesn't got it and i think someone should really tell her before everyone she comes into contact with refers to her as "that annoying whiny girl."

9. there comes a point in everyone's life when they just can't party like they used to...or maybe they can but bastard maturity and wisdom actually make you sit down and outweigh the pros and cons rather than just doing it and dealing with the fallout later. with my ascent into this period of being i am proud to assert my place among the old folks of the world and hope, undeniably, that i may still act without thought in the future.

10. i understand people have their own political beliefs, and i also understand that people have reasons for their political beliefs no matter how unsubstantiated those reasons may be. i further admit that the democratic presidential primaries mean absolutely jack shit to me seeing as i'm, oddly enough, fairly conservative in my political views...but i have to say, the current state of the democratic bid for president scares the bajeezus out of me. i could care less that one is a woman and the other is a black man, and i won't even bother going into how the substance of their campaigns is a bit retarded because i realize i'm in no position to speak seeing as i am a conservative, but the overall tenacity of obama's supporters kind of ignites a fear in me. it's been pretty much proven that his speeches are plagiarized and yet people put their fingers in their ears to the old "la la la, i can't hear you" and zealously support away. there's a big difference between having someone write your speeches, and taking someone else's speech, don't you think? one, in theory, involves your own forethought while the other has nothing to do with what you think but rather has everything to do with what someone else thinks and you are taking credit for it and garnishing support from that other persons thoughts. it's bothersome, to me, that no one seems to give a shit that he's done this and/or is doing this. plagiarism is grounds to be thrown out of a university or fired, and yet it's perfectly okay for a potential future president to do it...yea, that makes total sense. really. meh.

Monday, March 03, 2008

you're up here with angels, you look like hell, i'm not going down with you now, bu baby you wear it so well.


seems like such a bullshit thing, doesn't it? everyone waxes poetic about the need for religious tolerance, about the equality of all religions, about how no single religion precludes friendship or love, and even though we all claim to not care about the religious beliefs of someone else, we all sit with a smug superiority because no matter how non-religious we may be, we really do believe that our own religion is better.

me? i'm jewish. i rank up there among those people who are extremely proud to be jewish. i can laugh at my religion and its stereotypes of the big shnoz, being cheap, being short, being a nerd, and having horns [trust me, some countries still think jews have horns], but i also take it to heart when people deprecate or mock my religion. i admit to feeling a serenity that was completely unknown to me before i set foot in israel, and i'm content in knowing that, while roughly two percent of the world's population, jews remain in the realm of some of the most intellectual and brilliant people in the world.

you guessed it: i love being jewish

i think when you belong to something that is as defining as a religion you internalize its very essence, and i think when the mere definition of being a religion has been grounds for genocides, pogroms, and multiple attempts for world extermination, you go a step beyond and that essence attunes to your very mortality.

that harmony is something i don't think anyone can understand until someone attempts to take it away: it's only then that that smug superiority comes into play, and it's only then that people realize just how deep that religion runs within them.

cue my boyfriend.

the extent of his religious affiliation is christmas, which, to him, has nothing to do with jesus or christianity. nope, to him christmas is a holiday everyone can celebrate and enjoy, and is simply a time to be with family and the people we love. i have no problems with that--i spent the entire day with his family and i even put up a christmas tree so the house would be more festive for him.

he is also completely clueless when it comes to those lovely hot button issues and is completely inept when it comes to dealing with them in a delicate manner. after being with me for this long, he knows i'm proud of being jewish and he also knows that the idea of completely abandoning traditions to accommodate him and his religion is difficult for me; and, yet, he still has no problem with being a complete dick to me when i point out someone is jewish, or anything relating to judaism comes up anywhere.

oh, and before you actually go there and say that i have issues with him being catholic and want him to convert, the answer to your ideology, other than the traditional "fuck you," is "absolutely not." i've tried to compromise my ass off when it comes to religion, especially the religion of our non existent kids, but he's like a dog with a bone when it comes to it-he refuses to see things from my point of view at all and he absolutely refuses to exist in a world of gray. he thinks it should be all or nothing--full fledged judaism and christianity complete with baptism and bar mitzvah or we have no religion what-so-ever in the house.

case in point: saturday night, while he was looking through all the wedding shit i've found he found a checklist for the traditional jewish wedding. he read through it, out loud, asking me what certain things are, all the while making little jokes and poking fun at things and their pronunciation. then, he got to a yamaka, read it, looked at me, and said "i'm not wearing a fucking beanie on my head." "yes you are, why wouldn't you?" "i'm not jewish, why the fuck would i wear one?" so, while i launched into a diatribe of how wearing one is a sign of respect and really has nothing to do with being jewish, he effectively put his fingers in his ears and went off on me for not giving a shit about his religious beliefs and how i would never do anything out of respect for his religion. so, while he went on and on and one about how completely selfish and one sided i am, i took the dogs for a walk, and during my walk my thoughts went haywire:

is it always going to be like this?

am i signing up to spend the rest of my life arguing about religion and having someone who obviously could care less about my own religious standings continually making me feel like shit and like some sort of authoritarian simply because i'm proud of being jewish, i want elements of judiasm to not only be present at my wedding but to be present throughout my life, and because i want him, at the very least, to respect my desire to retain my beliefs and traditions much like he does?

what about when we have kids? is he going to go off anytime i bring up something jewish and have such an ongoing blatant disregard for my beliefs and my feelings and therefore parlay that sentiment onto our kids who will think its okay to do the same thing?

am i really being that selfish and one sided? am i being totally non-understanding of his point of view?

am i consenting to place every ounce of tradition and religion i was brought up with into a corner of my being for the rest of my life so as to keep the peace?

is this grounds for going our separate ways before we're legally bound, or am i going to start resenting and hating him for his black and white view of all things based in religion?

is he ever going to understand that being jewish extends farther than this ridiculous opinion he has that i have this stupid need to be different than everyone else and realize it's actually an integral part of who i am? will he one day wake up and realize that he's marrying someone who is jewish, and therefore is going to have elements of it in his life just like i'm going to have elements of christianity in mine?

are we ever going to find a happy medium?