love is not an option. our love is never free. things aren't so easy. i know i'll regret this, but that's the price of one more lesson learned.

random shit.....in-flight edition...
fyi: my flights an hour and a half, this will be fuckin long

(oh...and people seem to think i'm depressed when i do this shit..nope! not at all..i just type whatever pops in my head, because i'm so focused on finals it's hard for me to really delve into anything else. sometimes introspection gives the semblance of being off kilter. )

...for some reason i was paying attention to myself put deodorant on..and i got some really white arm pits.

...i will never understand what people see in me....or why it fades away so quickly...

...the nacho cheese quaker rice snacks are tasty. sersly. and only seventy calories for ten cakes!

...this weekend made me realize how much i need to crawl out of myself around more than just the four people i let myself emerge around.

...while conversing with matt: "twenty bucks says he doesn't respond"..half hour later..."fuck! he responded." "that's a good thing isn't it, e?".."no..well..yea? maybe?"......and that's about when i realized i'm just fucked no matter what i do or what happens in any such kind of endeavors.

...anyone else notice that people start liking you more when you stop giving a fuck about them? weird, isn't it?

...i've never been eye fucked...and that depresses the shit out of me.

...i put effort into things that i know i shouldn't, but i do because if i didn't they wouldn't ever bother with me.

...how can we ever be equal if people keep focusing on all of their differences?

...i've pretty much avoided wearing a bra for the past three weeks, thanks to the awesomeness that are tube tops, tank tops with shelves, and sweaters to go on top. it's amazing how comfortable it is to just not wear a bra, i swear. in any event, i just spent way more money on new bra's than i should have..especially since i've taken to not wearing them.

...i don't believe you........at all.

...i forget what it's like to be so into someone that talking 'til 4am isn't a sacrafice, it's a privilege.

...these bonds are shackle free...wrapped in lust and lunacy.

..."the hottest girls are often the most lonely"...odds are that's not true in my case..but fuck it, i'm buying into that fucker like it ain't no thang. false hope fucking rocks!

...when i think about things, i know that i'm not missing out on a fucking thing by being effectively discarded. i know i was more into the idea of it than the actuality of....and knowing all this and knowing that nothing would have ever come out of it, i'm sad about it. most fucked up thing is that i feel like a failure for not being what they wanted.

...i fucking hate when people assume shit for me

...i've heard it before. i've heard it all before. and yet? i still fall for it. stupid. stupid. stupid.

...i hate when people act like someone they aren't so that someone will like them. good on me for doing that as we speak.

...i found where all the hot guys in cleveland go--the airport, so they can leave this shithole.

...for the first time in..well, ever...i have free reign to do whatever i want for memorial weekend. i've been yearning and aching for this moment for a good 18 years because memorial weekend is always family weekend for reasons i'm not going to explain. i have the freedom i've yearned for....so...why the fuck can't i figure out what to do with myself? any suggestions

...are you too busy living life, if you never end up doing what you want or need?

...people watching, in an airport nontheless, affirms that people are fucking dumbasses.

...people envy how much i've travelled and the fact i've lived so many places. i envy them for having a true place to call home and not having severe attachment issues.

...i really do think i'm addicted to diet coke. think they have self help groups for that?

...ever just hear someone laugh, and the sheer tone and capacity of their voice just makes you want to turn around and bitch smack them? coincidently, the same girl who stares at me all the fucking time in agency law..has that kind of laugh. it's taken everything in me this semester to not just fucking deck her.

...you suck in bed.

...if you're trying to be "deep" or introspective, and i inquire and play into it..don't be a total douche and ignore me midway through.

...i want someone to hold my hand at take-off. no one ever has.

...you know you drank to much when the smell of the beer the guy five seats ahead is drinking, makes your stomach churn.

...if you think it's coincidence that mexico legalized drugs in the midst of illegal immigration being a huge issue facing america, you're an idiot. i'm not seeing how anyone can think that singing the national anthem in spanish isn't some kind of huge wrong.....and i'm really not seeing what the issue with mass deporation is. at all.

...starbucks in front of an escalator=dumb fucking idea.

...sometimes my patience with things scares the shit out of me

...i really hate body hair. my own...no other peoples.

...why can i accept everyone else's flaws but my own?

...to the guy on the moving walkaway who stands in the middle, then steps slightly to the right so that you may pass, however, he's still blocking the way so you have to basically lift your carry on just to get around him: you're a fucking cock ninja.

...it's unfair that some songs get ruined by the very life you breath into them.

...and i quote: "big boooty ho! hot booty!"

...what i like most about him is how dorky he is, and how he never tried to hide. never.

...people know they snore..with that knowledge, why do they let themselves pass out on planes?

...obesity is not a disability. it can't be a disability if you inflicted it on yourself, pretty much knowingly, over a long course of time. get off the motorized car, don't apply for handicap parking, and work up the goddamn sweat four steps induces. it's good for you.

...i love robbie williams, and i don't give a fuck what people say about it.

...not sure what's worse...that they offered plastic surgery-should i so choose- or that i'm actually considering it.

...i only talk to you because i feel obligated. i think that feeling is totally mutual, so it's all good.

...when someone says "you look so good," in light of you losing weight...it makes you wonder how horrible you must have looked before...because, in your opinion, you still have such a long long way to go.

...why do people care about celebrities? or am i the retard for thinking the guy sitting in a lab trying to find some kind of better alternative to chemo, or the guy trying to figure out how to make stem cells into viable organs deserve the fame and fortune those dipshits get?

...why is it so fucking hard to respond? it takes two seconds to type something half assed out.

...his eyes were so warm and full of hope and love, that looking into them made my eyes well up with tears. and no, i'm not talking about a person.

...i'm a magnet for unattainable men, and i'm getting sick of wasting my time.

...after watching the movie hostel, i spend the entire three hour train ride to the city looking for a guy eating salad with his fingers. edward salad hands, if you willl.

...i've flown well over a hundred times, i know the exact physics and process behind what makes a plan go up in the air, and come down. and yet? even knowing all this, the fact they get a three ton tin bird in the air amazes the shit out of me everytime i fly.

...people who bring pillows onto flights annoy the fuck out of me.

...i think auto correct on ms. word has totally fucked up whatever spelling ability i had.

...tony bennett's voice makes my heart flutter.

...what's with all the male flight attendants lately? it's seriously getting..well...strange.

...i appreciate those people who smack me over the head, and make me realize that a part of me i kind of tossed away to appease people still exists. i love them for making me realize that to be who i'm expected to be, i don't need to totally go back on what i love.

...as some of you know, there is always method to my randomness.

...i don't know if i should be appalled that he said he was sorry because " [he] really want[ed] to come over and fuck [me], but [he] can't because [he's] sick " or feel kind of flatterred...in an insanely strange way.

...everytime i go somewhere, it just affirms the fact that i fucking hate flying.

...you've got to be fucking kidding me. now...now you ask me what i want to do with my life? wee bit too late for that now isn't it? but, hey..thanks for thinking about it...finally.

...i may have had my doubts and apprehensions, and they may very well have been unfounded, but you just fucking affirmed every single last one of them by not even fucking realizing i was in another state for the past four days. good on you, asshole. good on you.

...i want to experience something magical.

...you. don't.

...i. know.

...it's. cool.

...that's cute. you managed to find time this week to talk to me while you were home sick. awww. warm fuzzy. douchebag.

...i have a kick ass family.

...it's rather strange that my phone didn't ring at all. it's more strange that as i was leaving the cemetary, where i was visiting and paying my respects to a very dear friend of mine that passed away, i got a voicemail from the dude explaining the news. it's absolutely frightening that both of their names are adam.

...i'm not sure how to take the news per se. i wish i was more a part of things, but i'm not.

...at least he's finally free to rest in peace.

...only the good die young. he was truly good.

...the glory of being human is that we are capable of being so much to so many. he was an inspiration for living and loving, and now that inspiration has floated into eternity for the world to experience