all the things guys have done that would be total deal breakers.
.....were i not a total pussy, of course.....
.....were i not a total pussy, of course.....
1. i hate talking on the phone. one point for me. i text. one more point for me. when i text you, i expect a response. not right away...but sometime before 5pm the next day. one guy wouldn't ever text me back the minute the "convo" shifted to more than his bitching about work and me being a sounding board...until a good day later. even then? the text went back to him bitching about work. not a good idea, boys.
2. alright..i have a dog. it's my dog, and i fully understand that all the responsibilities of having a dog are on me, which includes taking her out. i don't expect a guy to come over and take my dog out, i especially don't expect a guy to roll out of bed and take her out; however, if we're coming back from being out, and i grab the dogs leash....don't take your shoes off, plop on the couch, and watch me walk right on out. if you're already over and i announce i have to take the dog out..don't just look at me, blink, and continue watching tv or whatever. go with me! fifteen minutes outside isn't going to kill you, and ya know what? those kind of little things make all the fucking difference to girls. for serious.
3. it's a vagina..not an inverted fucked up game of whack-a-mole. i seriously had one guy, i shit you not, who was like diving for ovum or something. i walked around the next day like a retard because i swear my uterus was bruised. it's called finger-banging or fucking...not "lets see how far in we can get this up there before she cringes and screams"...some of you men have giant penises-and to you, i say..be gentle. some of you boys have big hands, but..we've all had a finger up in there--whether it be someone elses or your own--it's not hard to feel where shit goes from "penis belongs here" to "this point is restricted to authorized personnel only."
4. in addendum to number 3...if i'm saying "ow"..don't ask me "oh, does that hurt?" while you continue to do whatever motion it was that caused me to go "ow" in the first fucking place. i didn't say "ow" by accident, you asshole. "ow" and "ohhh" don't sound alike AT ALL given the greatly divergent voice infelctions between the two. we all make mistakes..it's fine...but don't keep doing it, and/or do it again the next time. do you want me to scrape my teeth against your cock, you say "ow!" and for me to continue, or for me to do it the next time? didn't think so.
5. in association with numbers 3 and 4, if you know you cum buckets worth of shit...don't jizz all over my stomach/tits or whatever..and just leave me there why you go clean off. hello?! i'm covered in your shit..i can't exactly move anywhere, now can i? well, unless i want that nastiness to run all down and get on the carpet or whatever. you cleaning off the end of your dick can wait...get me a goddamn towel you selfish asstwit.
6. don't act completely disinterested. i know i say a lot of shit you could give two shits about...i know when i go off on shoes, start bitching about school, or relive how pissed of i was when some asshole cut me off...yea..you really don't care. but, do you think i care when you start talking about guns? sports? (okay, i dig the sport talk..but shh), or how much you drank last night and yet woke up with no hangover? nope, not particularly...but, i listen, i pay attention, i ask questions..i respond to things you say...i even remember and recall shit from past experiences. why? because the semblance of giving a shit is a mighty powerful thing. i know you don't care, i know you aren't really paying much attention...but if you pretend to? oh. e is happy that you care enough to pretend to give a shit about her!
7. in addendum to 6....ask me something about myself outside of "what's your name?". i had one guy who never asked me a thing about myself. not one thing. we dated for about 4 months, and at the end of it all he didn't even know where i moved to cleveland from, when my birthday was, or why it was i spoke russian. his excuse? "i don't like to pry." yea..that's bullshit. you don't give enough of a shit to pry would be a more fitting reason. we chicks like it when you act like you give a shit, just like you lap it up when we pay attention to you and ask you questions about everything, down to the tiniest detals, about you. pry, assholes. pry.
8. don't say one thing to us and then turn around and say something completely different to your friends. i had one guy use the word "dating" whenever he referred to whatever it was we were doing while he and i talked about things..but, when his friends were around? he would deny, deny, deny..and say "we're just hanging out, there's nothing there," even when i was sitting right next to him listening. talk about warm fuzzies all up on my shit when i'd get to witness that fairly frequently.
9. going along with number 8, don't say shit you may not totally mean. this guy i went out with a few times referred to me as "my girl"..and introduced me to people when we went out as his girl/"the girl i'm dating". that kind of shit makes it really hard to do anything but kind of accept the term for what it is-a delineation of "this could be going somewhere." well, it wasn't and it didn't..and the fact he kind of planted that little seed in my head just kind of made it all the more shitty on my end. so, pay a decent amount of attention to what you say...we certainly do.
10. consistency, consitency, consistency. that's pretty much what this whole thing is about. regardless, consistent amounts of attention are really appreciated. nothing makes me more livid than when a guy goes from constantly communicating with me...to barely talking to me at all. one guy texted with me non stop for an entire day....and the next two day's didn't respond to a thing...and then all of a sudden? tons of texting again. yea...not a good idea. if you don't want the chick to go spinning into this downward spiral of "well, guess he found someone better or just realized i suck"..coming to grips with it, realizing your not worth the headache, and brushing you off in a matter of three hours....don't do that. it's really easy for us to assume shit, and it's even easier for us to assume shit is going against us and arm up with some kind of defense..which is usually dropping your ass in some way. just saying, not a good avenue to go.
11. this might be a personal one, but i've read in a few places that when a guy touches your face while he kisses you, it means he really, for lack of a better word, likes you. long before i read it, that action was just something that made me a bit more at ease with where things were going. that said: keep your fucking hands off my face unless you want me to think that you do, in fact, like me...maybe guys got hip to all the girl reading out there and figured this out (kind of like they figured out the syncopated breathing makes us subconciously feel attracted to someone and fall harder, and now i notice guys trying to match my breathing all the time), but it's not fair. one guy i dated did it every single fucking time...so it sucked that much worse when he was like "yea, i don't think i could ever really date you. you're too nice"..because my subconcious was all over the face touching and assumed there was a high probability that something would come out of things..no matter how short term.
12. don't make it about you. i'm human, i get in shitty moods..it happens..and you know it does because you get into shitty moods where you don't want to deal with anyone too. don't read too much into it. i had one guy tell me that i was being really abrasive and curt with him and that he was sorry if he did anything to put me in that mood, which was a fantastic way to mak it about him. when i explained i was just stressed because of finals and a lack of sleep..he magically turned it around and made it about him, again!...and pretty much yelled that he didn't like the tone of voice i was using with him and how i was just being a total bitch to him for no reason. yea...way to totally fuck the fact i'm freaking out over here, and make it about you. you don't want me reading into your every fucking action and mood and coming to you with a "do you hate me?! do you not want to be with me? do you want to sleep with other women?"..so don't approach my moods with the same thing...or worse...saying it's unfounded and that i've harmed you in some way that really doesn't exist.
13. say it with me: the little things. they mean the world to we ovary blessed folk. if you think it's petty and unimportant..odds are you should do it. one guy never bothered to wish me luck on my finals..and as small and insignificant as that is, it pissed me the fuck off..and hurt me to some degree. you count on the people around you for support, so, naturally, if you're dating someone you should, without question, offer some form of support, right? a text saying "g'luck" really isn't over-extending yourself..and, as retarded as it is, it would have meant a lot to me. the bottom line: do the tiny shit, and we'll be a lot more forgiving when you utterly fuck up the big shit.
14. don't be a fucking pussy. you don't like being strung along, and guess what? neither do we. nothing is worse than living in a world of "we" for any amount of time, only to have it ripped away for god knows what reason. be fucking honest...if you just want us for something casual..say so. if you just want sex..i'll bring the condoms. we're big girls, we (well most of us) can handle it, and are much more apt to go along with things and be less of a pain in your ass if you just level with us from the get go.
15. if you say you're going to do something, do it. this, in particular, applies to plans you've made and the telephone. nothing..NOTHING..is worse than sitting by the phone awaiting a call that just ain't coming. you have no intention of calling, so don't fucking say you will. i'm not going to get pissed if you forgo that part of your sentence, but i will get pissed if you mention it and don't make good on it. and plans? jesus christ, don't make semi finite plans with me....and then not come through on them. that's retarded, obnoxious, and it means i wasted a night sitting at home...all dolled up with no where to go. if you want to hang out with your guys? say so. if you don't want to see me? fuckin say so! don't leave me hanging with fantastic eye-makeup, and with, what i thought, was a reason to wear my latest pair of shoes.
16. i'm well aware i'm not the most gorgeous of girls. i'm also well aware that insanely pretty people are around, and that girls with fantastic bodies are lurking everywhere....so, fine..i don't give a shit if you look at them..in fact, i'll probably join in. most of the time, i'm the one pointing them out to you; however, when you start talking about things you like in a chick, remember that i'm sitting there. i had one guy go on and on about how much he loved girls with ghetto asses, who were about 5'2'', had super short hair, were really thin, and were on the flatter side. uhh, hello? i have no ass, i'm 5'8'', i have long hair...i got meat on my bones, and i have a giant rack. not exactly what i want to hear, ya know? yea, sure, you play it off like you don't give a shit that you have nothing of what i traditionally look for in a man, but i know you'd be more than irritated if i made it a point to detail how you aren't even close to what i traditionally date. i know i'm not the encompassment of everything you may want, odds are i'm nothing you were looking for, but at least let me labor under the false pretense of being at least somewhat what you want.
17. if the topic of past relationships comes up, and i actually go more into things than "yea, they were all assholes", do not....i repeat...do not go on and on about how you would never do that to someone, how you're always upfront about everything..blah di fuckin da. don't. just 'cause you think you never have, doesn't mean you never actually have, or that you never will. it's just a bad idea. go ahead and be sympathetic, but don't try to make yourself look better in light of what they did, and don't try to make yourelf out to be an angel. we've all fucked up. say "what an asshole," and leave it at that.
18. don't use me as an outlet for your past, your issues, and overall relationship retardedness. i've been through some fucked up shit, and i've been cheated on more than enough times for me to think it's funny now..but do you want me constantly thinking that you're fucking some other woman when you don't pick up your phone? nope. it's unfair. it's unfair to hold you to the precedent of my past shit, accordingly, it's unfair of you to do it to me. i had one guy tell me that, because of a past relationship, where his girlfriend cheated on him with one of her guys friends, he didn't really like the fact i had as many male friends as i do, or that i talked to them as often as i do. that's fair.. assume i'm the same as the rest, don't give me any form of a chance to prove otherwise, and expect me to pretty much alter my entire life because you have some issue. get over it, you fucktard.
19. one word: compromise. even in the casual shit, you gotta give a little. i know i'm extremely laid back and don't really care about the details of what's going on, what we're doing or where we're going, but sometimes i'm just not in the mood. a few times it's happened that i had plans with this guy to go out, but in light of me being tired/sick/broke/just not wanting to go out.. i'd suggest he come over and we just watch movies. yea, no. never happened. he'd always opt to go out with his friends instead. i don't care that you're going out with your friends, i care that we already had plans and because they weren't what you wanted you just opt out completely. if you want to do what you want to do and not have some other person making suggestions from the side-line, or you just don't want to take anyone elses needs into consideration..don't make plans with someone. just tell them what you're doing and say they can join if they want....that way it's all about you. have it your way, and enjoy being lonely.
20. this isn't so much a deal breaker, because things are pretty much decided, but just as a matter of procedure...don't fucking ignore me and hope i'll go away. yea, odds are i will just fade away..and yea, that's your goal, but it's fucking shitty to do that. aside from the fact that i can't even fathom how someone can live with themselves knowing they gave the emotional equivalent of decapitation to someone--one minute you're all about it, the next *poof* you're gone--i get to sit there and literally agonize over what the fuck happened, which just leads to me assuming i fucked up and desperately trying to figure out how i did fuck it up. either way, it makes you look like a total douchebag. so man-up, stop being a total pussy and just say "ya know what? i realized i just don't like you" because not only will i appreciate and respect its connotations, but in the long run it has got to be easier to just flat out say it than walking around knowing you totally left someone hanging with no semblance of a safety net.
2. alright..i have a dog. it's my dog, and i fully understand that all the responsibilities of having a dog are on me, which includes taking her out. i don't expect a guy to come over and take my dog out, i especially don't expect a guy to roll out of bed and take her out; however, if we're coming back from being out, and i grab the dogs leash....don't take your shoes off, plop on the couch, and watch me walk right on out. if you're already over and i announce i have to take the dog out..don't just look at me, blink, and continue watching tv or whatever. go with me! fifteen minutes outside isn't going to kill you, and ya know what? those kind of little things make all the fucking difference to girls. for serious.
3. it's a vagina..not an inverted fucked up game of whack-a-mole. i seriously had one guy, i shit you not, who was like diving for ovum or something. i walked around the next day like a retard because i swear my uterus was bruised. it's called finger-banging or fucking...not "lets see how far in we can get this up there before she cringes and screams"...some of you men have giant penises-and to you, i say..be gentle. some of you boys have big hands, but..we've all had a finger up in there--whether it be someone elses or your own--it's not hard to feel where shit goes from "penis belongs here" to "this point is restricted to authorized personnel only."
4. in addendum to number 3...if i'm saying "ow"..don't ask me "oh, does that hurt?" while you continue to do whatever motion it was that caused me to go "ow" in the first fucking place. i didn't say "ow" by accident, you asshole. "ow" and "ohhh" don't sound alike AT ALL given the greatly divergent voice infelctions between the two. we all make mistakes..it's fine...but don't keep doing it, and/or do it again the next time. do you want me to scrape my teeth against your cock, you say "ow!" and for me to continue, or for me to do it the next time? didn't think so.
5. in association with numbers 3 and 4, if you know you cum buckets worth of shit...don't jizz all over my stomach/tits or whatever..and just leave me there why you go clean off. hello?! i'm covered in your shit..i can't exactly move anywhere, now can i? well, unless i want that nastiness to run all down and get on the carpet or whatever. you cleaning off the end of your dick can wait...get me a goddamn towel you selfish asstwit.
6. don't act completely disinterested. i know i say a lot of shit you could give two shits about...i know when i go off on shoes, start bitching about school, or relive how pissed of i was when some asshole cut me off...yea..you really don't care. but, do you think i care when you start talking about guns? sports? (okay, i dig the sport talk..but shh), or how much you drank last night and yet woke up with no hangover? nope, not particularly...but, i listen, i pay attention, i ask questions..i respond to things you say...i even remember and recall shit from past experiences. why? because the semblance of giving a shit is a mighty powerful thing. i know you don't care, i know you aren't really paying much attention...but if you pretend to? oh. e is happy that you care enough to pretend to give a shit about her!
7. in addendum to 6....ask me something about myself outside of "what's your name?". i had one guy who never asked me a thing about myself. not one thing. we dated for about 4 months, and at the end of it all he didn't even know where i moved to cleveland from, when my birthday was, or why it was i spoke russian. his excuse? "i don't like to pry." yea..that's bullshit. you don't give enough of a shit to pry would be a more fitting reason. we chicks like it when you act like you give a shit, just like you lap it up when we pay attention to you and ask you questions about everything, down to the tiniest detals, about you. pry, assholes. pry.
8. don't say one thing to us and then turn around and say something completely different to your friends. i had one guy use the word "dating" whenever he referred to whatever it was we were doing while he and i talked about things..but, when his friends were around? he would deny, deny, deny..and say "we're just hanging out, there's nothing there," even when i was sitting right next to him listening. talk about warm fuzzies all up on my shit when i'd get to witness that fairly frequently.
9. going along with number 8, don't say shit you may not totally mean. this guy i went out with a few times referred to me as "my girl"..and introduced me to people when we went out as his girl/"the girl i'm dating". that kind of shit makes it really hard to do anything but kind of accept the term for what it is-a delineation of "this could be going somewhere." well, it wasn't and it didn't..and the fact he kind of planted that little seed in my head just kind of made it all the more shitty on my end. so, pay a decent amount of attention to what you say...we certainly do.
10. consistency, consitency, consistency. that's pretty much what this whole thing is about. regardless, consistent amounts of attention are really appreciated. nothing makes me more livid than when a guy goes from constantly communicating with me...to barely talking to me at all. one guy texted with me non stop for an entire day....and the next two day's didn't respond to a thing...and then all of a sudden? tons of texting again. yea...not a good idea. if you don't want the chick to go spinning into this downward spiral of "well, guess he found someone better or just realized i suck"..coming to grips with it, realizing your not worth the headache, and brushing you off in a matter of three hours....don't do that. it's really easy for us to assume shit, and it's even easier for us to assume shit is going against us and arm up with some kind of defense..which is usually dropping your ass in some way. just saying, not a good avenue to go.
11. this might be a personal one, but i've read in a few places that when a guy touches your face while he kisses you, it means he really, for lack of a better word, likes you. long before i read it, that action was just something that made me a bit more at ease with where things were going. that said: keep your fucking hands off my face unless you want me to think that you do, in fact, like me...maybe guys got hip to all the girl reading out there and figured this out (kind of like they figured out the syncopated breathing makes us subconciously feel attracted to someone and fall harder, and now i notice guys trying to match my breathing all the time), but it's not fair. one guy i dated did it every single fucking time...so it sucked that much worse when he was like "yea, i don't think i could ever really date you. you're too nice"..because my subconcious was all over the face touching and assumed there was a high probability that something would come out of things..no matter how short term.
12. don't make it about you. i'm human, i get in shitty moods..it happens..and you know it does because you get into shitty moods where you don't want to deal with anyone too. don't read too much into it. i had one guy tell me that i was being really abrasive and curt with him and that he was sorry if he did anything to put me in that mood, which was a fantastic way to mak it about him. when i explained i was just stressed because of finals and a lack of sleep..he magically turned it around and made it about him, again!...and pretty much yelled that he didn't like the tone of voice i was using with him and how i was just being a total bitch to him for no reason. yea...way to totally fuck the fact i'm freaking out over here, and make it about you. you don't want me reading into your every fucking action and mood and coming to you with a "do you hate me?! do you not want to be with me? do you want to sleep with other women?"..so don't approach my moods with the same thing...or worse...saying it's unfounded and that i've harmed you in some way that really doesn't exist.
13. say it with me: the little things. they mean the world to we ovary blessed folk. if you think it's petty and unimportant..odds are you should do it. one guy never bothered to wish me luck on my finals..and as small and insignificant as that is, it pissed me the fuck off..and hurt me to some degree. you count on the people around you for support, so, naturally, if you're dating someone you should, without question, offer some form of support, right? a text saying "g'luck" really isn't over-extending yourself..and, as retarded as it is, it would have meant a lot to me. the bottom line: do the tiny shit, and we'll be a lot more forgiving when you utterly fuck up the big shit.
14. don't be a fucking pussy. you don't like being strung along, and guess what? neither do we. nothing is worse than living in a world of "we" for any amount of time, only to have it ripped away for god knows what reason. be fucking honest...if you just want us for something casual..say so. if you just want sex..i'll bring the condoms. we're big girls, we (well most of us) can handle it, and are much more apt to go along with things and be less of a pain in your ass if you just level with us from the get go.
15. if you say you're going to do something, do it. this, in particular, applies to plans you've made and the telephone. nothing..NOTHING..is worse than sitting by the phone awaiting a call that just ain't coming. you have no intention of calling, so don't fucking say you will. i'm not going to get pissed if you forgo that part of your sentence, but i will get pissed if you mention it and don't make good on it. and plans? jesus christ, don't make semi finite plans with me....and then not come through on them. that's retarded, obnoxious, and it means i wasted a night sitting at home...all dolled up with no where to go. if you want to hang out with your guys? say so. if you don't want to see me? fuckin say so! don't leave me hanging with fantastic eye-makeup, and with, what i thought, was a reason to wear my latest pair of shoes.
16. i'm well aware i'm not the most gorgeous of girls. i'm also well aware that insanely pretty people are around, and that girls with fantastic bodies are lurking everywhere....so, fine..i don't give a shit if you look at them..in fact, i'll probably join in. most of the time, i'm the one pointing them out to you; however, when you start talking about things you like in a chick, remember that i'm sitting there. i had one guy go on and on about how much he loved girls with ghetto asses, who were about 5'2'', had super short hair, were really thin, and were on the flatter side. uhh, hello? i have no ass, i'm 5'8'', i have long hair...i got meat on my bones, and i have a giant rack. not exactly what i want to hear, ya know? yea, sure, you play it off like you don't give a shit that you have nothing of what i traditionally look for in a man, but i know you'd be more than irritated if i made it a point to detail how you aren't even close to what i traditionally date. i know i'm not the encompassment of everything you may want, odds are i'm nothing you were looking for, but at least let me labor under the false pretense of being at least somewhat what you want.
17. if the topic of past relationships comes up, and i actually go more into things than "yea, they were all assholes", do not....i repeat...do not go on and on about how you would never do that to someone, how you're always upfront about everything..blah di fuckin da. don't. just 'cause you think you never have, doesn't mean you never actually have, or that you never will. it's just a bad idea. go ahead and be sympathetic, but don't try to make yourself look better in light of what they did, and don't try to make yourelf out to be an angel. we've all fucked up. say "what an asshole," and leave it at that.
18. don't use me as an outlet for your past, your issues, and overall relationship retardedness. i've been through some fucked up shit, and i've been cheated on more than enough times for me to think it's funny now..but do you want me constantly thinking that you're fucking some other woman when you don't pick up your phone? nope. it's unfair. it's unfair to hold you to the precedent of my past shit, accordingly, it's unfair of you to do it to me. i had one guy tell me that, because of a past relationship, where his girlfriend cheated on him with one of her guys friends, he didn't really like the fact i had as many male friends as i do, or that i talked to them as often as i do. that's fair.. assume i'm the same as the rest, don't give me any form of a chance to prove otherwise, and expect me to pretty much alter my entire life because you have some issue. get over it, you fucktard.
19. one word: compromise. even in the casual shit, you gotta give a little. i know i'm extremely laid back and don't really care about the details of what's going on, what we're doing or where we're going, but sometimes i'm just not in the mood. a few times it's happened that i had plans with this guy to go out, but in light of me being tired/sick/broke/just not wanting to go out.. i'd suggest he come over and we just watch movies. yea, no. never happened. he'd always opt to go out with his friends instead. i don't care that you're going out with your friends, i care that we already had plans and because they weren't what you wanted you just opt out completely. if you want to do what you want to do and not have some other person making suggestions from the side-line, or you just don't want to take anyone elses needs into consideration..don't make plans with someone. just tell them what you're doing and say they can join if they want....that way it's all about you. have it your way, and enjoy being lonely.
20. this isn't so much a deal breaker, because things are pretty much decided, but just as a matter of procedure...don't fucking ignore me and hope i'll go away. yea, odds are i will just fade away..and yea, that's your goal, but it's fucking shitty to do that. aside from the fact that i can't even fathom how someone can live with themselves knowing they gave the emotional equivalent of decapitation to someone--one minute you're all about it, the next *poof* you're gone--i get to sit there and literally agonize over what the fuck happened, which just leads to me assuming i fucked up and desperately trying to figure out how i did fuck it up. either way, it makes you look like a total douchebag. so man-up, stop being a total pussy and just say "ya know what? i realized i just don't like you" because not only will i appreciate and respect its connotations, but in the long run it has got to be easier to just flat out say it than walking around knowing you totally left someone hanging with no semblance of a safety net.
89 comments:
OMG! All men should read this at least three times... at least!
Good job saying what the rest of us couldn't formulate as verbosely...
you fuckin rock.
OH, and I'm #1 Fuckers!! HOO-RA..
In fact, I think I'm printing this out and putting it in contract format.... No worries I'll give you a percentage per signee...
Which means you should be rich by tomorrow.
Fucking WORD, Elle...I am serious...this should be like the bible of dating... really...really...really.
-N
*bows* i try?
Nix the question mark on that and make it a period.
You da queen. Seriously, I think this has to rank up there with one of my favorite posts you've ever written.
hah, seriously?
have to have men piss me off more haha
Not that you need my approval but I agree with most of the things you said. But you don't get off that easy.
#1. Texting is gay and no one should be obliged to text anyone else back.
#6. It's not that guys are disinterested in what you say, it's that you have a problem that too many women have… you talk too fucking much.
#11. Touching face and syncopated breathing… never heard of that. Sounds like a filler article in Cosmo. If I like a girl, I dip my unit in warm marshmellow fluff and make the sign of the cross on her face. To each their own I guess.
By the way...
"I want something casual Elle. Could you please bring the condoms?"
God, that was easy.
awww E...running out of blog hos to import for your strategic toying and ego boost purposes? i'm flattered, but odds are you'd end up liking me too much to touch me, and then it'd just be a total waste of a trip. might as well sit here and masterbate..least then i'll get off and not deal with your homosexual self, right?
I'm with Emma...this post rocks!!
I want to print it out...copy paste
Good for you for laying it all out there....every man should read this
I keep re-reading this...it's the shit...awesome shit of course
This should be handed out to the male of the species as soon as they get their first hard on.
Thanks for putting it into words!
awww thanks ladies :)
think it's funny that no guy has commented yet! HAH!
what you call a vagina, i call a "fuck hole". i'm so classy.
come fuck my hole.
True Buttah....men aren't saying a word and Fuck Hole doesn't count
but fuck hole is so...endearing!
Ha...hahahaa...ha...oh shit. Ok, um...I really wanna comment on your post...and I will! Just give me a second...
9
17
20
fucking word.
it all boils down to say what you mean and be honest doesn't it?
so easy to say...
I keep waiting for a guy to comment.....
It's not going to happen is it?
i'm glad i always bring such relevance and dignity to peoples' blogs.
Dude: i try :)
Sass: be clear, be honest, be consistent. kinda easy, no? what comes naturally to us women seems to just boggle guys minds though.
Kristen: eventually one of them will have to, no? unless it just makes them go "oh fuck...that's why i'm single"
Shane: and that's why we love you. my blog needs the distinction you bring
your blog also needs more hardcore nudity. and silly monkeys. everybody loves silly monkeys.
monkeys scare the shit out of me though!
You would think at least two guys would step up to comment...
I mean where the hell is the "Needy Chicks" comment
i think murph boycotted my blog because he seems to think i owe him an ass shot.
needy fuckers. i swear!
hey i commented! of course i only read about half of it because i started snickering about the word "fuckhole".
That's right Scum...you're the only real man around.
Murph just can't handle the truth....you're right...Needy Fuckers
heh. sorry. im. heh.
Shane is the wind beneath my wings
Well, at least your consistent with the fact that you talk too much. I just thought at least you would have a clue about what you were talking about. No wonder no guys listen to you.
E, pls don't believe this hype that was given to you that this should be the "bible of dating". You still have some time to change some of your ways before you have to trade in your dog for some cats and become that "crazy old lady" that all the kids make fun of on the block.
But don't worry, you keep dating guys that talk about guns, cowtipping, squirrel hunting or whatever amuses people down there and I'm sure you'll find happiness eventually.
1. If they choose to text with you at all they should at least give you a fucking answer. Gay.
2. I'd walk the dog with you! But you already knew that!
3. I love the marathon finger banging. It's like they're trying to see how quickly they can get you off. Sweet. Here, let me try it on YOU, you fucktard.
4. I think it's that whole need to get off/carnal thing. And then they leave you all fucked the next day and you want nothing more than to yank on their nuts just a little too hard the next time around.
5. Have a towel handy! There's an idea!
6. You want poon, you pay attention. Bottom line.
7. Pry like it ain't no thing. And usually, your prying leads to us prying and then you dickheads can talk about yourselves for a little while and then we can give you ego boosts. It's a cyclical thing. Seriously.
8. Don't say anything at all. That's even better.
9. OY! Again, just don't open your mouth. Don't. Go. There.
10. I think it's cuz they're PMSing. Seriously.
11. Yeah, face touching = nay nay.
12. Insecurity is a bitch, ain't it?
13. Haha! So true.
14. WHY don't they get this?! Just be honest. I'm so serious, telling me you want nothing more than casual sex is so much easier to handle than a blow-off.
15. Guys are douches.
16. Nothin like a little "I don't like your type" to make you feel loved.
17. Repeat: douches.
18. That's always nice, too. Here, beat the fuck out of me because every other girl has done it to you. Appreciate that!
19. I like time on my own. Go do your own thing. Just don't be fucking gay and bail when I actually want to see you. At least try and work things out with me first.
20. Um...hi, nail on the head. Thank you for this one.
"But don't worry, you keep dating guys that talk about guns, cowtipping, squirrel hunting or whatever amuses people down there and I'm sure you'll find happiness eventually."
when did you date pbc?
So, I'm a face toucher. And way more sexy because of it.
Oh, and ...'needy females', bloody hell...etc.
*rolls eyes*
in reference to 9 and 10...i had a guy call me his "friend" the whole time we were dating. FOR A YEAR. he said he didn't like the word girlfriend. FOR A YEAR.
E..well, at least your consistent with the fact you have absolutely no knack for a battle of wits of any kind, and you grab for the most banal shit to comment on, which makes it boring for me. so, let me dumb myself down and just say that the day i take any dating advice from you is the day i have a fucking tag on my toe stating my time of death. now go back to finding some stupid female to import to chicago for your fucking egotistical games and sexual use-which you can't even make good on-and refrain from being a total hypocrite and commenting on the caliber of guys i date. at least i don't meet them in blogland.
Dude: word..mother fuckin word!
Shane: it was the summer of '02, didn't you know?
MJ: you could bring your own dog :) and you're just a stunning example of XY-ery.
Murph: ass pic? why do you think i owe you an ass pic?! tee hee
Hedge: 'bout time you chimed in with the needy females. and you're way sexy, face touching and all.
Kristen: word to your eye roll.
Sami: at least he was consistent! the "we're dating, i really want to be with you"; "naw man, we're just friends. we hang out, we bang" flip flop drove me fucking insane!
Guerilla: dude, you have no fucking idea. you should come show me what a decent guy is like.
WoW. Long post... but should be required reading for any boy before growing up. Good job!!!
I have learned much from this post. Thanks.
will you keeeeeeel me you really do
and i hate text messaging, my thumbs are fucked up enough
Faltenin: thank you!
Timmy: your welcome, and i thank you for your semblance of sarcasm ;)
Will: DUDE! everytime you and i ever talked on aim i was in tax law class except ONCE! ONCE!! and yea, i went to go shower, but i said brb...fuckin' hater!
Sass: i'm disgustingly good at it. can do it while shifting in my car, even.
I had to get a qwerty phone.
Because I rock the Text.
Word to Dude. this has been most riki-tiki.
Annabella: yea, men can go fuck themselves for all i care. word to all that!
Em: i got the phone with the keyboard..but i still do the scroll through shit when i'm all drivin and shiz..cause like..yea..one handed style. holla!
Will: i am so not a hater! and uhm, we still doing lunch friday?
One handed texting while driving a stick rocks!!! I soooo do that too...
*sigh*
Will: i will bitchsmack you. you know this! i don't mind this weather, then again, i'm stuck in a library for most of my days...alright, least we'll be there haha woooo
Em: why the *sigh*?
beezo!
Because I'm fairly convinced we'd be HOT dirty texting to each other...
Shane: cunt.
Em: hah as i send a pic message of my new bra to someone
I'm fairly pissed you don't have my number.
....rough sex, make it hurt,
in tha garden all in tha dirt....
Em: hook a sista up!
Wes: roll around georgie brown, that's the way that i like it twerk..legs jerk, overworked, underpaid but don't be afraid, on the top of my escalade...
will: does it help that *I* don't want to kill you?
Elle BEAUTIFUCKINGFUL post! You hit on soo many points of lameness...can we add one for hygeine? (sp?)
You rock, girl!
I'm all about the copy~paste.
Thanks for putting it into words that even men can understand
OK ... were you on a plane again?
68
#69 BEOTCHES!!!!
WHOO HOO Day 2 and I'm loving seeing this still here.
I will hook you up. J hook you.... hotness.
Huneeb: hygiene should go without say! but the toilet flushing thing is totally gross..and most of 'em follow the "yellow let it mellow, brown flush it down" creed. ewwwww
RobynB: anytime my dear :)
Heather: i think they realize it at some point, but i think it takes women fucking their shit up over it..which i'm not about to do hehe
Trix: word!
Kristen: i'd love to 69 with you, biatch :)
Em: day two because i'm lazy. haha!!
some do...not all of them
i guess it might just be my guy friends who have never really lived with a female...but when at my place or at a hotel they flush? iono...
hahaha, alright....
1. i like to be on the right side of the bed. if it happens to be closer to the bathroom..fine. so, she MUST not always have the side closest to the bathroom.
2. if it's 3am, and i gotta pee..yea, i'm not turning on a fucking light. if i'm awake, and i gotta pee...um i turn the lights on.
3. i don't care if they use my soap/shampoo/bathroom shit. don't care if they use my loofah either. do care if they use my toothbrush, though.
4. i have no routine :)
TA DOW!
ohhh
1. flushing is a MUST!
2. I like the side of the bed closest to the door, don't like the wall...if it happens to be by the bathroom it happens that way
3. Uhh the light thing is laziness if I am awake in the night light goes on if I am sleepy-awake then the light might stay off b/c I don't want to get that blinding light thing...now we sit when we pee so you can't miss it and I have wonderful night vision...boy please ALWAYS turn on the light it follows the rule; We aim to please you aim too please! We all know you can't do that with the light off, well at least not with precision.
4. Use my soap, use my shampoo, get your body soft and smelling good, yummm. But uh the loofah the little hair thing is gross! I don't use a loofah cause they are not good for you; the amount of bacteria that grows on it in one day is frightening...I use a new washcloth EVERYDAY...I would be more than happy to get you one :) and I suppose you can use my pumice stone, that's okay with me...but my toothbrush?!!? Touch it and die, well maybe not die but you are buying me a new one! (this rule will apply even after 20+ yrs of marriage!)
5. Routine?, it's okay to inturupt my routine :) I love showers together!
wow that was long...sorry dude
WHY WOULD YOU TURN THE LIGHT ON TO PEE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?! not worth the pain on your eyes man.
and the only routine i have is how i put my make-up on..but it's not a requirement, it's just what i do because i live alone and can walk around naked to my hearts content
i've let people use my toothbrush...but i dipped it in listerine for 20 minutes before i put it in my mown mouth.
isn't that the best! I live alone and love to wlak around naked just cause I can...
ehh the light only goes on if I am awake...you know when you just can't get to sleep and so your lying there awake and you think I should get up and go pee...
nope no exception to the toothbrush rule, I have extras just in case friends or others stay over, that way I know you brushed your teeth and I know you didn't use mine :) we are both happy!
in general..stay the fuck away from my toothbrush. i have extras for people who spend the night, seeing as mine's electric (boogy woogy woogy); but occasionally if one of my best friends or brother forgets theirs..i'll let 'em use it....and then listerine the fuck out of it and buy a new head for it the minute i get home :)
but i throw my "routine" out the window when i'm staying with people/people stay here...so how "routine" can it be if it's so easily thrown out?
and you can't see in the dark? hmmm, perhaps i should lay off the carrots
Will I think I have a minimal routine and showing together doesn't always happen but maybe that is cause you let it slide after a while; doesn't mean we don't enjoy it still. And the shower is over half my "routine" I wear minimal makeup, don't do the blowdry thing so the shower yeah that's like most of my morning...time wise give me like 15 minutes alone in the shower and then ask if you can join... :) I will gladly oblige. I think that you date high maintanence girls that is why you see the routine thing...
ha-ha guys can't pee straight after sex?
yes Will agree on the retarded point...I trained even my guy friends, you pee here you put down the seat!
Hmm this routine thing has me thinking...my routine after I hit snooze a couple of times is to go pee and hop in the shower, brush my teeth, lotion and put some clothes on, usually take MAYBE 5 minutes on makeup and brush my hair in the car...so I don't mind being inturupted at all in any point of this "routine"...hmmm still think it must be the girls you date
why not sit to pee if it's late at night then?! hmmm?!
my routine is: alarm goes off, wake up, pet dog and cat, shower--brush teeth, body wash, wash hair, condition, and while conditioner "sets", wash face. get out, dry off, put moisturizer on, get dressed, slap on some eyeshadow, mascara, and lip gloss, brush hair, put mousse in, toss around..and ta dow..30 minutes later i'm ready to go.
and if it's adaptable, then it can't be an issue =P
guys sitting to pee seems so unnatural...
agree on the adaptable, I think we are really laid back and he dates the boochi (sp?) type...
only thing i ask is they keep the bathroom clean
then again, i have two bathrooms..and most guys just kind of understand and use the guest bathroom, and not mine :)
and i agree, i think we're both really laid back huneeb..which really, is the best way to be :)
hhmm well the 15 minutes is usually to do the awkward things that I will soon get over doing in front of you after a while, like shaving your legs with 2 people in the shower is not always easy...then I feel sort of weird with my bum in the air and you staring...but like I said I get over that stuff in time so I just have to trust you, and if I am living with you that means that I trust you...so it is not so much a sacred routine as it is a necessity of the day...
boochi is like high maintanence or really "made up" a girl that takes longer than 15minutes (outside of showering) to get ready...it sort of has bitchy under tones to it too, think of the girl that is uncomfortable with you seeing her without makeup...
I don't think I spelled that right either...Elle help meout on that?
i've never heard of boochie. basically it's a high maintenance girl.
i actually have a friend, he's never seen his girlfriend without make-up on. she wakes up super early in the morning to go re-apply so he doesn't see her without it. FREAKY!!
i take a shower before bed..if i'm with a guy, i usually do that stuff during the night shower...but i haven't showered with a guy in a really long time. *sigh*
haha ask?
"so..hey..it's 5am..we just got home..wanna shower?!"
riiiiight!
I shower at 5am when I get home sometimes...is there something wrong with that? I bet my neighbors wonder wtf I do...
The friend and the girlfriend....Buttah that is WEIRD! Poor thing has some serious insecurity issues!
Will you were in Cali? What part?
And I bet T can define Boochie much beeter, guaranteed she knows what it is!!!! (we have lots of those here, so does she where she's at)
uhh better...gawd that is lame..need coffee
i lived in cali for four years..never heard boochie haha!
what are new york-isms that i use?
i made up slootchie, my dear =P
HOLY SHIT! It's the instruction manual for women. Where has this been my entire life?
bad to assume Will =P
Shaun: in women. gotta pay attention to us, man!
hey.
most of what you ranted about makes sense, but i have to say that cell phone text shit is mad stupid. most people have absolutely no real need or use for cell phones. text messages are uber retarded. that's why i make fun of 'em all the time. if you don't like talking on the phone why take the coward's way out and text back and forth like a bunch of junior high school brats? if you have something important to say to someone do it face to face. it ain't that difficult.
i'd like to see 99% of society's cell phones taken away from them effective immediately and for those who absolutely have to have them auto insurance should charge punks through the nose for having them. they charge more for smokers because they know that's a distraction behind the wheel but smoking a crummy cigarette while driving is far less involved than making a call on one of them ridiculous new-fangled doohickeys.
http://www.engadgetmobile.com/2006/05/03/text-and-drive-in-malaysia-and-go-to-jail/
cell phones are dum. you don't need it. stop being a dependant victim of technology and become self reliant. you know you want to.
Perhaps this may sound strange and please forgive me if it does, but its 3 am and I have been reading your blogs for damn near 2 hours. With regard to this blog, you are truly something else. I cant pretend that I know who you are, but you honestly sound like some fucking genius. ha. Also, (and once again sry for sounding odd and maybe commenting on something I wouldnt know anything about) you need to find yourself a better man. I should hope that not all of the men you have been with have been as much of assholes as you describe. I would like to think that your advice/comments/? would make me an even better person/friend/lover/'i dont know', because they were amazing. That is no lie. It seems as though you are a far better person than you give yourself credit for, and anyone should hope to be lucky enough to know you.
Brandon
iv never even been to blogger.com before, so if you feel complied to respond to me, you could reach me at thevikes@usa.com...
This is without a doubt one of the best posts I have ever read about just showing someone honesty and respect...I would think if you give the same courtesy to a partner it wouldn't be hard to find someone for whom all those things just come naturally.
But then the secret to happiness has always been communication and honesty.
Post a Comment