'til the day your heart explodes or the day that you get old i will carry you 'til then from the beggining to the end. i wish you the best.

1. is there something about inclement weather that is so daunting to people that logic evades them and they must do all things that would cause the adverse effect of their intention? it's not the first or the last time you'll be driving in snow people...and the laws of physics are pretty static: objects in motion tend to stay in motion and an object met with resistance can only pervade force in direction of least resistance. in other words, if you slam on your breaks, you will fish tail, and if you slam on the gas while changing lanes you will spin out. your car technically can't do two things at once when it's sunshine kisses and fairytale skies, what the fuck makes you think it can do two things simultaneously when there's snow on the ground?

2. is "one"-ply toilet paper that is so thin and coarse it makes you feel like you just took some bark off a tree and opted to wipe your goodies with it, really that much cheaper than the softer more substantial two-ply's of the world? i've been to costco, i've compared the bulk prices, i'm still not convinced it really is a money saving choice. nay, i say it's a choice that simply deters people from using the facilities in a manner they would were they at home..well, at least women. i somehow don't really think men care.

3. i am addicted to call of duty 4. no, really...like, i get moody when he sits there and plays for hours on end and i'm not allowed to..and i actually look forward to days when i get to come home early and get play all by my lonesome. that game is audiovisual crack.

4. smart phones are the most nonsensical thing in the world to me. remember the days when you weren't responsible for e-mails and work related shit because you didn't have access to a computer or the internet? remember when you didn't have a twenty-four hour portal to yourself and you could just relax and deal with work things when you got around to it and not in the middle of a romantic dinner for two? it was the bomb diggity, wasn't it? it'd be pretty awesome if you could do that stuff again, wouldn't it? and yet we idiotic and counter-intuitive individuals go out of our way to have the hippest most up-to-date smart phone out there so our work day can go from ten hours to twenty-four. seems kind of stupid huh?

5. wanted: a flamboyant and flaming gay man to plan my wedding with carte blanche for all things decorative and showy with the exception of the bride's veto power and the designated theme dictated by the above mentioned bride. details include flower arrangements, table center pieces, seating arrangements, overall look and feel of the room, hair and make-up of women involved in the wedding, and will involve assisting with the choice of bridal gown as well as dealing with a high-strung detail oriented perfectionist who must have things the way she wants and her even more high strung detail oriented perfectionist of a mother who also demands on having things the way she wants. applicants must be twenty or over and have proof of their fairy status.

6. in other wedding news, registration has begun and the overall gist of it goes a little something like this: "which one do you like?" "i don't care" "what about this one?" "no, that's ugly." "this one?" "no, it's still ugly. i like something like this. it's classic and won't ever go out of style. that's what we should be looking for." "so you do care." "no, if you want something else that's fine" "okay, so then what about this?." "absolutely not." yup, he's the most stubborn and insistent on his way apathetic guy ever, huh?

7. in an effort to show we chitlins the fatherland of our heritage, my family is taking a trip to eastern europe--latvia [where my mom is from], belerus [where my dad is from], st. petersburg [for no other reason than, why the shit not?] and moscow [ditto]. aside from the twenty-five hour and seventeen minute travel time both ways, i'm pretty stoked to go on the trip...or i should probably say i was. to go to russia you need a visa, and to get a visa you need to have an invite to visit russia...where do you get an invite? you pay a russian company an extraordinary amount of money to give you a slip of paper that says your invited. moreover, aside from the fact the application to get a visa is more probing than the applications i had to fill out to enter the ohio and new jersey state bars, you must document and prove why, if your parents or ancestors were once citizens of russia, you are not. how the fuck do i document and prove that? on top of spending close to three hundred bucks to just get a visa to enter this so-called democratic country in addition to the cost of plane tickets and hotels, now i have to explain in a diplomatic and poetic way that my ancestors were perhaps citizens of russia because russia decided it needed a little bit of cushion from the evil, evil democracies of the world and therefore opted to simply reach out and grab the nearest countries like a child who has no clue what the difference between his toys and anything else around him is, but most likely my ancestors weren't because jewish people were not afforded russian citizenship to begin with, and it all doesn't matter because my parents were never russian citizens and are not united states citizens ..and document this whole "transgression" against the fatherland? you're fucking kidding me, right? oh, and if you don't register your visa within three days of arriving within russia, you are detained in the country in some prison until they think you should leave...where do you register? no one really seems to fucking know. fuck this trip. seriously.

8. to have an aura of sarcastic, quick witted, darkness around you, you have to have the right type of personality and manner of carrying yourself. whether i have that personality and manner of carrying myself, i have no clue..but i do know i have that aura pretty much down to an art. it's a skill to be able to bitch, moan, complain, and express an overall disgusting and disdain for the world and people who inhabit it in a way that doesn't make you seem like a condescending, stuck-up, elitist swine. it takes a certain panache to pull it all off and make it seem comical and like nothing more than a simple commentary. a girl who works in the building with me tries her hardest to act like she's got it, but she doesn't. she lacks that total disquietude and complete irreverence to pull it off and she just comes off like someone who just complains and whines about everything. i'm not sure why she wants the aura to begin with, but girl doesn't got it and i think someone should really tell her before everyone she comes into contact with refers to her as "that annoying whiny girl."

9. there comes a point in everyone's life when they just can't party like they used to...or maybe they can but bastard maturity and wisdom actually make you sit down and outweigh the pros and cons rather than just doing it and dealing with the fallout later. with my ascent into this period of being i am proud to assert my place among the old folks of the world and hope, undeniably, that i may still act without thought in the future.

10. i understand people have their own political beliefs, and i also understand that people have reasons for their political beliefs no matter how unsubstantiated those reasons may be. i further admit that the democratic presidential primaries mean absolutely jack shit to me seeing as i'm, oddly enough, fairly conservative in my political views...but i have to say, the current state of the democratic bid for president scares the bajeezus out of me. i could care less that one is a woman and the other is a black man, and i won't even bother going into how the substance of their campaigns is a bit retarded because i realize i'm in no position to speak seeing as i am a conservative, but the overall tenacity of obama's supporters kind of ignites a fear in me. it's been pretty much proven that his speeches are plagiarized and yet people put their fingers in their ears to the old "la la la, i can't hear you" and zealously support away. there's a big difference between having someone write your speeches, and taking someone else's speech, don't you think? one, in theory, involves your own forethought while the other has nothing to do with what you think but rather has everything to do with what someone else thinks and you are taking credit for it and garnishing support from that other persons thoughts. it's bothersome, to me, that no one seems to give a shit that he's done this and/or is doing this. plagiarism is grounds to be thrown out of a university or fired, and yet it's perfectly okay for a potential future president to do it...yea, that makes total sense. really. meh.