maybe tonight we can forget it all and it can be just like heaven. i'm not long living, i'm just a shell of what i dreamed. i bleed for the fantasy.

i always hate these situations.

the types of situations where you have your convictions all neatly lined up, you have your words neatly packaged in the perchance event of the occurrence actually coming into some sort of fruition, and though you figure it'll never ever actually materialize, you sit there and go over how the scene would play out....in the most idealistic way possible...in the most "you're a fucker and i'm awesome" way possible...in the most condusive way to you being triumphant.

whatever triumphant means.

and then it happens. what you've been planning for goes from an idealistic fantastical reverie and plops itself into the shit that is reality and everything coordinates and goes to absolute shit. the convictions fall out of formation, the words lose all meaning and leave gift-wrap shards all over your perspective, the scene changes from you being awesome to you feeling kind of like shit, and the triumphant victory changes ino questioning whether or not you even had a legitimate reason to mobilize to begin with.

you falter, they pounce, and you admit defeat in the most passive agressive way possible just to make your thoughts stop screaming at you to tell your heart to fuck off and stick to the plan.

that's pretty much how things went on friday night...or maybe it was saturday morning, i have no idea. but i got a phone call that made my heart drop to my ass when the voice the responded to my nonchalant "hello" belonged to him.

some people affect you more than others. some people just fit effortlessly into your life. some people so seemlessly integrate into things from the start, that even after a week not having them around leaves you off balance and gasping for breath. some people make it damn near impossible to keep your guard up for long. even if you do seemingly keep it up, it's in the most superficial way possible.

but that doesn't matter.

i don't know if i'm really just that full of my own fucking pride that i can't really see past things as i see them from my perch, or if i legitimately have a reason to be fairly pissed off.

we met, we talked constantly, he disappeared one day without so much as a word. that's the basics of the situation. a month later he called as if nothing happened and i reacted as if something did...and i'm not sure who's right.

he didn't see the big deal. he doesn't see the big deal. he was busy, he had shit to do, he specifically said that he didn't feel like talking to me, and that's it. the last time we talked i had an "attitude" and he just didn't want to deal with it. he kept asking why i was being such an asshole. he wanted to know why i was being difficult. he couldn't fathom or comprehend why i was even mildly upset. he never even uttered the word "sorry"...

not when i told him he's like every other guy who's looking for a quick ego fix until something better comes along or his schedule fills up. not when i told him that i appreciate him calling me out of probable sheer boredom for some kind of amusement, but he can go fuck himself. not even when i flat out said that striking someone's existence off your record in totality because you have" shit to do" and "a lot of things on your mind" is one of the most selfish, egotistical, and disrespectful thing you can do, outside of putting them back on the record one day and appearing out of the blue like nothing ever happened and wondering why they aren't ecstatic over you finding some time for them, finally.

i was sticking to my little plan, for the most part. and then he said it: "i never took you for the needy type. if you need that kind of constant attention, ok. i know that now."

i crumbled.

am i needy?

does feeling slighted, discarded, partially tinged, and used after someone goes from talking to you multiple times a day to not at all make you needy? is being rather appalled at the nerve of someone that ignored you for an amount of time just calling randomly at midnight to "talk and see how things were," make me needy? is being upset over the fact he just didn't want to talk to me, and now does, make me needy?

is the expectation of some form of communication in times of assiduous endeavors really that unfounded on the playing feild of nascent friendship?

do i even have the right to feel anything more than a slight tingle of "well that was shitty of him"?

i wasn't lying when i said i never expected a thing from him. i guess i had just hoped...and how can you hold someone to the failure of your own doltish hope? how can you blame someone else for your own misplaced faith?

you can't. you don't. you tell your wounded pride to wait for you in the infirmary while you go clean up the blood stains that are left from its misdirected and irrelevant affray and play nice with the assailant if for no other reason than because you feel like absolute shit for even thinking the way you do.

because it's what you do best--acquiesce at all costs, even at your own expense.

so, instead of telling him that i don't really see the point in having a friend who periodically doesn't feel the need to include me in their life and just disappears, i said things were fine, we were cool, and that i was sorry if i overreacted.

and after all was said and done, he asked why i wasn't being like i used to be with him...why i was still being short with my responses and showing little interest in the conversation. i laughed. i laughed really fucking hard.

he did finally apologize though...

i think my cackles made him realized that whatever steps he had taken to having any form of my trust were washed away by the rains. i think he realized that any amount of my guard that i willingly took down for him were now fortified and now totally his job to deconstruct. i think he realized that i was done having any form of interest or even remotely caring about him until he gave me some kind of reason to...because i only give one free pass to the confines of my heart.

i think he finally realized the kind of person i am: a guarded, non-trusting, bitter and jaded little girl who wants nothing more than to let the world in but is too scared to even crack open the door and look outisde the walls she built to protect her, which coincidently keep everyone out. a woman torn to pieces by prophetic lovers who can't put her puzzle pieces back together concretely enough to even let someone have a second chance without adding death defying stunts to the already copious hurdles that existed on the path to just knowing her.

so in the end, it doesn't fucking matter. i doubt he'll ever talk to me again.

honestly, who wants to bother with overcoming all that for nothing more than someone who amounts to absolutely nothing?