fuck you and your untouchable face and fuck you for existing in the first place and who am i that i should be vying for your touch? who am i?

so...i was pretty much going to take the pussy way out of things and just say i'm on sabbatical for the week seeing as i was moving all weekend, i'm in new york, and i have a fucking migraine....

but i can't do that! i can't admit i'm a giant pussy in the face of adversity. the sherade must go on! thus, i present to you:

a "what the fuck" of ten.

1. what the fuck is up with 411? i've bitched about them before, but seriously..could their employee's/operator's/what-the-fuck-ever's get anymore lackluster and retarded? i called, told them my city and state, and then had to fucking spell the company's name i was looking for because he couldn't find it in his system. what was this ellusive company? petsmart. yes, largest national pet store that is located almost in every corner of this great u-s-of-a is a mother fucker to spell apparently. oh, and would it kill them to actually finish saying "have a good one" before they hang up? fucking drives me nuts.

2. what the fuck is up with people? did i manage to land myself under a huge fucking rock for a little while, and emerge like a newborn into this world and miss the progression of people from somewhat decent to predominately fuckers? i swear to god i can't be that weird....but how can so many people just be such a waste of space?

3. what the fuck is up with people who just refuse to take any form of a hint? i never return phone calls, let alone pick them up, i never return text messages, and i've pretty much blocked him from contacting me on any avenue via the internet, and yet? i still get random texts and phone calls. how big of a bitch and how blatantly obvious do you have to be today to get someone to leave you the fuck alone?

4. what the fuck is with this message: "hey fucker....yea, it's like 3 something. it's [insert his name here], bitch. and uhh, what the fuck else did you request. oh yea, it's like july 21st yea...and i'm just calling you for the fuck of it..because i am bored...you fucking bitch...and now that i'm done pissing, i'm gonna hang up. peace out bitch. " gee, it's amazing that i just avoid communicating with the asshole, huh? voicemails like that at three in the morning really make me want to reach out and dial. riiight.

5. what the fuck is up with people who are intellectuals? like, i'm all about learning, i've done some cool shit in my life, i'm a total dork, and i'm an amass of useless information--like jeopardy and trivia useless information--but i don't go around flaunting things. i don't even say i'm in law school unless people ask me a few times what i'm in graduate school for. some people, however, just shove it all out there like it's some kind of extension of their greatness. yea, it's cool you've excelled in something, but it really isn't an extension of your greatness, it's an extension of your ego. put your high-brow, attention whore-esque laundry lists of your accomplishments, and stick to rhetoric that lets more than just your past ability shine through.

6. what the fuck is with guys having random shots of their cock lying around? am i that big of a prude that i don't have an entire repetoire of nudes sitting in a file just begging to be sent to anyone who even bothers to ask? i shit you not, i put up an ad up on a website for pure amusement and nearly ever guy that responded sent me a picture of their wankus not a face shot..or a shot from ten years ago when they weren't the age of my father...nope...it'd be cock and balls just sitting there in my in-box with the message of "we should get together." sitting neatly above it. although, to the guy who had the shot of his rock hard wang next to a bottle of diet coke..props man. a shlong that long is impressive.....a no-no...but impressive nonetheless.

7. what the fuck is with me going to sleep with a sheet and a blanket on me, and waking up with a half a blanket and a sheet bunched up in the right corner of my bed? i swear when i wake up midway through the night per-usual everything is fine, and i swear when sofie jumps up on the bed to do her hourly "mom, it's time to wake up!" shpeel i'm still covered with a sheet and a blanket. so when does it happen?! when do i flail like a fucktard and wind up with my blanket sideways and a sheet in the opposite corner of the bed, all the while staying curled up on my left side, on the left side of the bed?

8. what the fuck is my deal with make-up? i'm neat, organized, and i have no issues thoriwng away things i don't need or don't use in any other avenue of my life, but for some reason when it comes to make-up i'm the biggest pack-rat you can imagine. i can't bring myself to throw out glitter eyeliner i haven't even worn since high school. i just tote it around from state to state, location to location, and when it's time to do a repeat and pack up and move, i know, logically, that i should throw it out...but something won't let me. what is that something?!!

9. what the fuck is with that one fucking spot you miss while shaving? and it's like you consistently miss the same spot until it gets so out of control you find yourself moisturizing one day and stumble upon this unknown secret patch of renegade hair that has fought the powers that be and have avoided, magically, the three blades on your razor and the numerous run throughs you engage in to make sure you don't miss a spot. is it possible to not miss a spot? do guys miss spots? or is this just a chick thing?

10. what the fuck is it about target that makes it like crack to my insatiable decorating endeavors? i swear i can't go more than a month without ordering something from target.com or going to target and buying something that really has no other purpose than to make my apartment purdier...and then i wonder why i'm poor. re-taw-ded!