The Tao of Fucked: A user's guide to personality traits that
mean absolutely jack shit in the dating world
(even though they logically should matter).
mean absolutely jack shit in the dating world
(even though they logically should matter).
1. you're a cool chick means nothing more than "welcome to the friend category." yup..you'd think the fact you joke around and can hold your own in a battle of pervertedness or wits would be a factor in your favor, but....to that i say: nay nay! the fact anything makes you more likeable is antithetical to the goal of getting a guy by the balls and concurrently getting him to like you. stop liking video games, sports, non-chick flik movies...put down the car magazine, and start listening to music played only on kissfm..one must be as stereotypical and girly as possible to appeal to the opposite sex--tailor your interest's diamterically to his, accordingly.
2. big tits just mean the guy will stare at you, but only from the chest to neck area. i think this one is rather self explanatory, no? you got 'em, you flaunt 'em...he stares at them, and never realizes you have a face. he adores them, he loves them, he comments frequently and dotes on them. he goes on and on about how he loves a woman with meat on her bones, and then goes out with the girl who makes an ironing board look well endowed. makes sense, no?
3. you're amenable. that means only one thing--you're amenable...he still does whatever he wants. why be logical and forgiving?! you should give him a verbal ass raping for not calling you every hour on the hour, or every night at the same time...better yet, just fucking castrate him for going out with his friends, rather than going out with you--you get an extra ten points for doing it in front of his friends. while it seems fairly straightforward that relationships are built on compromise, it's just not that way. you need to hold him on a leash so short that an on-looking dog is going "dayum!" when it sees the length. fuck the game, he's going to a tupperware party with you..and who the fuck cares if his team made it to the finals? the finals are on semi-annual sale day at the gap...and guess who's coming with you? yup, that's right ladies...demand, demand, demand, and never let him do what he wants if it opposes what you want, that way he'll really eat out of the palm of your hand and want to be with you.
4. we've all heard the saying nice guys finish last...well, guess what? nice girls get no ass. being called "nice" just means you got shoved in the aforementioned friend category and perish the thought he stick his dick where he verbally shits. don't be nice. don't think about him. don't go out of your way to make it known you like him. ignore him when he goes on and on about how wonderful you are and uses phrases like "my girl," or "we." don't listen to him talk about shit you don't want to hear--like his past sexual experiences, or how hot the girl at the gym was who asked for his number. tell him to go fuck himself as frequently as possible, and coinciding with number three...don't give in...don't even think of compromising. you want what you want, and if you don't get it, well? that just means you make his life a living hell until he gives in. be a complete and utter bitch...the more bitchy, the more apt he is to fall madly and helplessly in love with you and the more likely you are to get some dick. antithetical as it is, it's surefire.
5. "you're independent" is code for "you don't need me and that hurts my frail ego." yes m'am..don't listen to them. they may sit there and go on-and-on about how much they want a woman who can take care of herself and who doesn't need someone to take care of her. they may buttress that with the notion that they want someone who isn't emotionally needy. but? when they find her? oh yes, those traits go from being the intended object of his desire to being the equivalent of absolute zero on the personable scale. you have ovaries! you shouldn't be able to fix things, build things, balance your check book, do your finances, kill bugs, unclog your toilet/sink, walk your dog at night..and by no mean should you elicit the help of third parties (especially ones you'd have to pay) to do anything for yourself. you should just sit there like a helpless leper and wait for him to do it..all the while making sure he knows that if he so much as takes a wrong step you have a razor blade at your wrist to act accordingly...then, his ego will be happy as a fucking clam..and he'll like you!
6. if he says you're funny, pack your shit up and move on. everyone loves someone who can make them laugh, but in the dating world that isn't going to get him to love you....nope, it just means you make him laugh and your services will be called upon whenever he wants a good laugh. at all other times you will be pretty much ignored. basically, you are his monkey..and when he says "amuse me!" you put on a stunning performance or face the fact he may just cast you aside and never talk to you again. you need to be as black and white and non-humerous as possible...and make sure to get offended by everything he says that teeters on the sarcastic side. guys can't resist a girl who takes themself so seriously that any comment they make equates to them being the most ungrateful asshole in the world. guys just love apologizing for everything, including their existence...and that love gives you the keys to pussy whip away.
7. mention of anything regarding your intelligence in a non-derogatory manner and/or in an almost flattering manner, means whatever hope you had of something flourishing now has a yellow tag cutely attached to its toe. they say they want a smart girl, but in reality what they want is someone who is as dumb as a fucking door nail. why? that's simple--smart girls don't do everything they're told to do. you won't sit there stroking his ego to keep him happy. nope, while you're off trying to achieve something with your life and getting an education, he's sitting there feeling neglected because *gasp* you aren't catering to him at all times. if you have any semblance of intelligence you really only have two options: dumb yourself way the fuck down, keep your intelligence on the d/l , and twirl your hair frequently; or, you can go the uber bitch route and use your intelligence to manipulate the shit out of him. either way, he'll absolutely adore you, especially if you take the manipulative route. whichever avenue you chose remember: if you know more than him about something, don't ever let him now...let him revel in the fact he is the almighty, all-knowing male. it should be noted that by no means should you ever show that you can out-wit him. when he starts poking fun at you, do not flex your "oh yea?!" muscle and one-up him. rather, turn into the girl mentioned above who can't take a joke...start crying..make him feel like shit for joking about you like that, and then manipulate him to do what you want. that right there is a trip threat that will get him to be waiting at the end of the aisle for you.
8. you respect him and trust him...for shame! do not count on him. don't confuse this for a shade of independence, it's not. we've already established that guys don't like independent women. think of this as more like "fuck him over at all costs," rather than a reliance issue. if you have plans don't assume they're set in stone just because he bought tickets to the play you've wanted to see...rather, put a deadline for him to finalize those plans with you and make sure he has no clue when that deadline is. if he misses the deadline, then immediately make other plans, and when he mentions the plans you two had, or, better yet, actually shows up at the agreed-upon time, tell him he didn't finalize in time and that you made alternate plans. that way he's stuck with absolutely nothing to do while you're out having a gay old time. heaven forbid he go out and have fun...and heaven forbid he think that making plans is as easy as simply asking. he's got to work for your time! if he goes out with you and doesn't pick up the phone, don't sit back and assume it's just loud at the bar...no! he's got to be screwing someone else! and jesus christ, if he looks at another chick while he's with you, then just take off your shoe and stab him in the nutsack right then and there, because god forbid he be human. he's not human, he's your pet that loves you more and more the shittier you treat him.
9. if the word "comfortable" followed by "around you" are employed..well, then you've been discarded. yes, he likes the fact you're available for him when he needs you and that he can talk about everything under the sun with you, because you don't judge him...you listen and try to help him with his problems, no matter how petty they are, but dont' get confused. though in reality this points to "she's worthwhile and cares about you," in the dating world this just means you're convenient for him..and that you'll do until someone comes along who will ignore him, his needs, and scream at him over his problems..rather than try to help him with them. you are a place holder, until the woman who will treat him worse than the gum that ruined her favorite stilleto heels shows up. accordingly, treat him like that from the get go...and he'll just lavish you.
10. he goes on and on about how great you are and how he can't believe you're single, which coincidently means he's going on and on about why you'll have no problem finding someone else. don't sit there and blush. don't equate such a discussion with him really liking you, and actually seeing how wonderful you are. nope, he's going through the required hoops so that he can walk away knowing full well that he built you up so well that you really think you can find someone with little effort. he planted the seed of "i'm a catch" in your head, all the while tossing you right back into the fishy little sea so he can continue searching. you're proper fucked if you get this line...but take heed of everything he lists as "winning" qualities, and immediatly change all of them. only then will you have any shot of finding someone, because how you are as is, isn't worth much...you're wonderful, worthwhile, and not a psychotic bitch..but in the dating world that just means you're a waste of time. modify accordingly.
2. big tits just mean the guy will stare at you, but only from the chest to neck area. i think this one is rather self explanatory, no? you got 'em, you flaunt 'em...he stares at them, and never realizes you have a face. he adores them, he loves them, he comments frequently and dotes on them. he goes on and on about how he loves a woman with meat on her bones, and then goes out with the girl who makes an ironing board look well endowed. makes sense, no?
3. you're amenable. that means only one thing--you're amenable...he still does whatever he wants. why be logical and forgiving?! you should give him a verbal ass raping for not calling you every hour on the hour, or every night at the same time...better yet, just fucking castrate him for going out with his friends, rather than going out with you--you get an extra ten points for doing it in front of his friends. while it seems fairly straightforward that relationships are built on compromise, it's just not that way. you need to hold him on a leash so short that an on-looking dog is going "dayum!" when it sees the length. fuck the game, he's going to a tupperware party with you..and who the fuck cares if his team made it to the finals? the finals are on semi-annual sale day at the gap...and guess who's coming with you? yup, that's right ladies...demand, demand, demand, and never let him do what he wants if it opposes what you want, that way he'll really eat out of the palm of your hand and want to be with you.
4. we've all heard the saying nice guys finish last...well, guess what? nice girls get no ass. being called "nice" just means you got shoved in the aforementioned friend category and perish the thought he stick his dick where he verbally shits. don't be nice. don't think about him. don't go out of your way to make it known you like him. ignore him when he goes on and on about how wonderful you are and uses phrases like "my girl," or "we." don't listen to him talk about shit you don't want to hear--like his past sexual experiences, or how hot the girl at the gym was who asked for his number. tell him to go fuck himself as frequently as possible, and coinciding with number three...don't give in...don't even think of compromising. you want what you want, and if you don't get it, well? that just means you make his life a living hell until he gives in. be a complete and utter bitch...the more bitchy, the more apt he is to fall madly and helplessly in love with you and the more likely you are to get some dick. antithetical as it is, it's surefire.
5. "you're independent" is code for "you don't need me and that hurts my frail ego." yes m'am..don't listen to them. they may sit there and go on-and-on about how much they want a woman who can take care of herself and who doesn't need someone to take care of her. they may buttress that with the notion that they want someone who isn't emotionally needy. but? when they find her? oh yes, those traits go from being the intended object of his desire to being the equivalent of absolute zero on the personable scale. you have ovaries! you shouldn't be able to fix things, build things, balance your check book, do your finances, kill bugs, unclog your toilet/sink, walk your dog at night..and by no mean should you elicit the help of third parties (especially ones you'd have to pay) to do anything for yourself. you should just sit there like a helpless leper and wait for him to do it..all the while making sure he knows that if he so much as takes a wrong step you have a razor blade at your wrist to act accordingly...then, his ego will be happy as a fucking clam..and he'll like you!
6. if he says you're funny, pack your shit up and move on. everyone loves someone who can make them laugh, but in the dating world that isn't going to get him to love you....nope, it just means you make him laugh and your services will be called upon whenever he wants a good laugh. at all other times you will be pretty much ignored. basically, you are his monkey..and when he says "amuse me!" you put on a stunning performance or face the fact he may just cast you aside and never talk to you again. you need to be as black and white and non-humerous as possible...and make sure to get offended by everything he says that teeters on the sarcastic side. guys can't resist a girl who takes themself so seriously that any comment they make equates to them being the most ungrateful asshole in the world. guys just love apologizing for everything, including their existence...and that love gives you the keys to pussy whip away.
7. mention of anything regarding your intelligence in a non-derogatory manner and/or in an almost flattering manner, means whatever hope you had of something flourishing now has a yellow tag cutely attached to its toe. they say they want a smart girl, but in reality what they want is someone who is as dumb as a fucking door nail. why? that's simple--smart girls don't do everything they're told to do. you won't sit there stroking his ego to keep him happy. nope, while you're off trying to achieve something with your life and getting an education, he's sitting there feeling neglected because *gasp* you aren't catering to him at all times. if you have any semblance of intelligence you really only have two options: dumb yourself way the fuck down, keep your intelligence on the d/l , and twirl your hair frequently; or, you can go the uber bitch route and use your intelligence to manipulate the shit out of him. either way, he'll absolutely adore you, especially if you take the manipulative route. whichever avenue you chose remember: if you know more than him about something, don't ever let him now...let him revel in the fact he is the almighty, all-knowing male. it should be noted that by no means should you ever show that you can out-wit him. when he starts poking fun at you, do not flex your "oh yea?!" muscle and one-up him. rather, turn into the girl mentioned above who can't take a joke...start crying..make him feel like shit for joking about you like that, and then manipulate him to do what you want. that right there is a trip threat that will get him to be waiting at the end of the aisle for you.
8. you respect him and trust him...for shame! do not count on him. don't confuse this for a shade of independence, it's not. we've already established that guys don't like independent women. think of this as more like "fuck him over at all costs," rather than a reliance issue. if you have plans don't assume they're set in stone just because he bought tickets to the play you've wanted to see...rather, put a deadline for him to finalize those plans with you and make sure he has no clue when that deadline is. if he misses the deadline, then immediately make other plans, and when he mentions the plans you two had, or, better yet, actually shows up at the agreed-upon time, tell him he didn't finalize in time and that you made alternate plans. that way he's stuck with absolutely nothing to do while you're out having a gay old time. heaven forbid he go out and have fun...and heaven forbid he think that making plans is as easy as simply asking. he's got to work for your time! if he goes out with you and doesn't pick up the phone, don't sit back and assume it's just loud at the bar...no! he's got to be screwing someone else! and jesus christ, if he looks at another chick while he's with you, then just take off your shoe and stab him in the nutsack right then and there, because god forbid he be human. he's not human, he's your pet that loves you more and more the shittier you treat him.
9. if the word "comfortable" followed by "around you" are employed..well, then you've been discarded. yes, he likes the fact you're available for him when he needs you and that he can talk about everything under the sun with you, because you don't judge him...you listen and try to help him with his problems, no matter how petty they are, but dont' get confused. though in reality this points to "she's worthwhile and cares about you," in the dating world this just means you're convenient for him..and that you'll do until someone comes along who will ignore him, his needs, and scream at him over his problems..rather than try to help him with them. you are a place holder, until the woman who will treat him worse than the gum that ruined her favorite stilleto heels shows up. accordingly, treat him like that from the get go...and he'll just lavish you.
10. he goes on and on about how great you are and how he can't believe you're single, which coincidently means he's going on and on about why you'll have no problem finding someone else. don't sit there and blush. don't equate such a discussion with him really liking you, and actually seeing how wonderful you are. nope, he's going through the required hoops so that he can walk away knowing full well that he built you up so well that you really think you can find someone with little effort. he planted the seed of "i'm a catch" in your head, all the while tossing you right back into the fishy little sea so he can continue searching. you're proper fucked if you get this line...but take heed of everything he lists as "winning" qualities, and immediatly change all of them. only then will you have any shot of finding someone, because how you are as is, isn't worth much...you're wonderful, worthwhile, and not a psychotic bitch..but in the dating world that just means you're a waste of time. modify accordingly.
________________________
oh, i got reviewed again for some reason. i didn't submit myself, so either someone did or they forgot to remove me from some list..either way, i got told off again. apparently my blog is a disgrace and a blemish on the lovely facade of blog land...i can do no right by them..yee haw.
regardless of the fact my blog blows, they seemed fairly offended about the fact this review site exists, and in a spectacle of class and maturity, the sheep like readers of italk2much decided that a review site outside of their precious cannot exist and instituted an onslaught of vehement rhetoric, including such insipid phrases as "What a crappy cheap imatation YOU are."; "Too bad you're not nearly as good as they are."; and "Wanna be, copy cat.
Why don't you grow an original idea. Oh, and why don't you change this to a black template if you love them so fucking much, hmmm?" yes. it is quite the onslaught...an onslaught hiding behind the awesome shroud of anonymity. nothing says "you fucking suck" like having the balls to say it with no real name. props to the readers and writers of italk2much for setting an unprecedented standard for critiquing and berating all that you abhor in it's awesomely subjective glory.
oh, and my blog is officially a year old. happy birthday to it...sorry i made you suck.
regardless of the fact my blog blows, they seemed fairly offended about the fact this review site exists, and in a spectacle of class and maturity, the sheep like readers of italk2much decided that a review site outside of their precious cannot exist and instituted an onslaught of vehement rhetoric, including such insipid phrases as "What a crappy cheap imatation YOU are."; "Too bad you're not nearly as good as they are."; and "Wanna be, copy cat.
Why don't you grow an original idea. Oh, and why don't you change this to a black template if you love them so fucking much, hmmm?" yes. it is quite the onslaught...an onslaught hiding behind the awesome shroud of anonymity. nothing says "you fucking suck" like having the balls to say it with no real name. props to the readers and writers of italk2much for setting an unprecedented standard for critiquing and berating all that you abhor in it's awesomely subjective glory.
oh, and my blog is officially a year old. happy birthday to it...sorry i made you suck.
18 comments:
happy birthday, buttah's blog!!
and I know exactly what you mean by the list ... the same pretty much holds true from the other side ... *sigh*
and fuck them fuckin' fuckers!!
Birthday blog? My, how time does fly. Hey Buttah, I did your survey too!
Thanks for "The Tao of Fucked". Now that explains why I'm shit on a daily basis.
Will: where did you fall off to? glad you're back though :) not venting, making a point about my constant "shat on" status with the male of the species.
Dzer: dating makes no sense eh?
Hedge: you did the meme? awesome!! now i have to go read and make fun of you
Courtney: it's fun eh? it's kind of like habit now.
Keith: always are, doesn't make things easier.
Is it strange that the more bitter you get, the more my heart breaks?
Not a big break, just a little crack in the space you illuminate. E, you're better than bitter.
Some good points here. I guess it's a good thing you're a bitch, eh?
There is a difference between analysis and therapy. There is a difference between attraction and comfort. And there's a difference between knowing this and behaving accordingly.
This is how we solve problems, people.
Jake: bite me. do you want me to go through my im logs and find the pre-woman tirades you'd go on? let me wallow! you know i never do it for long.
Greg: i'm a bitch? good to know.
Will: ahhhhhh, well at least now i'm informed as to where you've been and why you never answered my e-mails. cheerio-o!
Pyro: is it a rant? or a nugget of truth? downfall of having mostly guy friends: i hear them talk about what they want in a woman, and then i see the girl they end up dating and falling head over heels with..and the two are usually polar opposites. not sure if that'd be a good thing...a book on traits that are cherishable, admirable, and hard as fuck to find in someone and why every single one of those traits should be thrown out, because tossing them/hiding them is the only way you'll make someone stand still long enough to actually like whatever distorted version of you said hiding/tossing has left. not too uplifting, ya know? and no, no band i'm thinking.
Hedge: you go, you problem solving strategist.
I don't think that I have ever heard a woman refer to hooking up as "getting ass".
I love it.
We all think your a cool amenable big titted nice inpedpendent intelligent chick that we all feel comfortable around......
but funny.... does your ego ever stop.
I see you haven't gone with my blow job advice yet.
Pyro: haha i'd never post me singing, you nuts? i sound shitty enough..let alone singing. a book about why you rock, in the most sarcastic dimension possible...i could see it working.
Flounder: what else can you call it? it's getting booty!
Johnny: well i thought we weren't done with blowjob training
First, Happy Birthday to the blog. I read you every week and really look forward to your posts...I know, I know... I need to get a life.
Second, Screw the Review! You're awesome, your blog is awesome, you speak your mind, you're honest, you're raw...goddamnit, if you got implants you'd be a fucking Pussycat Doll ("Don't cha wish your girlfriend was RAW like me!")
Rock on, rock on, rock on. (Insert image of me holding a Bic Lighter heavenward here.)
Just something about them wanting to review you TWICE...
hmmm... do you really suck that bad? Or is it just a feigning need to read you....
ha.
Happy Blog Birthday!
*confetti, streamers, all that jazz*
Honey, I swear.. I'd love to take the idiots that have hurt you and pound them in the head with a bat!
El a: awww thank you :) i'm seriously flaterred you even read my smut.
Dude: bitterness is doing wonders for my skin..i swear, it's like the new botox.
Pyro: i'm jewish...sarcasm is my language =P
Em: flattery..you know it'll just get you a titty grab.
Trix: no! no killing you...you have boyfriend, remember?!
Pyro: haha i like their cartoons!
Robyn: don't worry..i'm developing a fool-proof plan for castration of them all. tee hee!
I'm still laughing over the ironing board comparison........
*snort*
Happy Birthday Buttah's Blog
i'm serious Kristen! i've seen chicks with concave chests....it's like they're so skinny they can't even support the weight of their shoulders, so they implode...and thus, negative tittage..and ironing boards suddenly look endowed
Happy Birfday! It seems like only yesterday that that skanky bitch first pulled out yo' weave...
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