our instincts are misleading, and you shouldn't think what you're thinking. they don't tell you what you know you should want.

"hello?"
"hey!"
"yo."
"wassup?"
"um, wondering why you're calling me after not talking to me for a month"
"i wanted to wish you a happy birthday!"
"dude, my birthday isn't today."
"well yea, i know but i won't be able to call you that day because i'm going to [the cunt]'s parents house."
"ahhh, i see. well thanks dude"
" i also wanted to ask you something."
"ask away"
"well, you're going to be in the city when i am, and mike told me you did a really good job helping him find the perfect ring for talee, so i was wondering if you'd help me."
"you can't be fucking serious, ry"
"what?"
"you basically tell me to fuck off because your relationship with her is more important to you than the twenty year relationship you've had with me, and then you ask me to help you engagement ring shop? why would i? i'm not even going to be allowed near the vicinity of the fucking wedding..and you're an idiot for even thinking of marrying that bitch."
"i'm asking my best friend for help. what's wrong with that?"
"will i be invited to the wedding?"
"what? i haven't even asked her yet!"
"will i be invited to the wedding?"
"i...well...yes, of course!..well...no, i'd have to ask..."
"yes or no."
"you know the answer, e."
"then that's that, huh?"
"what the fuck? you still all moody because of the shit with your pops?"
"nice, ry. real nice. what's the shit going on with my pops anyway?"
"jake said you were upset over something with him. i assumed he was pissing you off and dictating per usual. dude, who the fuck shit in your cereal?"
"you did, just now. i liked it better when we didn't talk. "

and i hung up.

and he didn't call back.

and he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

and he thinks i've become a selfish, needy bitch.

interesting.

...
...
...

that was followed by the cycle of me being placed on an unncessary pedestal, knocked down, and placed back upon it finally ending solely because of the resounding notion that i'm a cold hearted bitch. maybe i should have a "welcome" matt placed above my heart and not a fire pit followed by a barbed wire fence....but it's nice to know that all blame falls neatly upon my shoulders. it usually does.

...
...
...

and then before all this....around mid-afternoon, i recieved a call that just left me feeling physically ill. it wasn't shitty news in a fatalistic sense, it was shitty news in the sense that i have no idea where that leaves things, and what needs to be done. it rips my heart apart to hear apprehension rear its ugly head in his attempt to make it sound like it's nothing major and it'll all be explained when they return.

...
...
...

funtastic.

it's strange to take a step back and realize you're standing completely alone.

gone, left, forgot to stay...it doesn't fucking matter. what matters is that i somehow tend to merely exist in singular and not connect to anyone while i trek on my path.

o-well.

i just have to make it through this week, and then it's back to smooth sailing on a sea of perpetual despondency.

never fear, i can do it.

...and with minimal speed bumps in my goofy, sarcastic, silly demeanor.

_________________________________

in other news..the review site is up and running, and members have been added...so anyone, even those people in my links list, can submit to be reviewed.

i even created a cute little button thingy...well, i tried my best seeing as i don't have photoshop and i'm about as artistic as dog shit...either way, it's exhibited under my profile, and if you feel so inclined add it to your own page.

let the fun begin.