once upon a time i could control myself...once upon a time i could lose myself...and once upon a time i could love you. i admit it. where do i stand?

...and they say i'm an angst ridden bitch....

1. you'd think the assholes that work for 411 would be a little more courteous, and have a bit more of a brain than to ask you to spell out "cleveland" for them to type it into a fucking computer. also? you'd think their speaking voices would rank a little bit above cornered hog in a fuckin slaughter house.

2. i don't care if you talk on your cell phone when you drive, but if you can't hold a conversation and keep a speed that somewhat resembles the speed limit, then odds are you are averaging the speed equivalent of your fucking iq and you shouldn't really be doing more than one thing at once. and fyi: gum chewing is one thing.

3. congrats on your new bags, chinese restaurant. it'd be super nice if those stylish fuckers actually held the entire contents of my little box of fried rice and didn't fuckin' tear by the time i walked from your restaurant to my goddamn car.

4. this bitch in my apartment building has a fat ass mini-pinscher that hates other dogs. what does this bitch do when she sees me walking my dog towards the apartment doors? she continues walking towards the door at a fucking snail pace, and then yells at me for letting my dog near hers when i stop in the middle of the goddamn street so she can enter the building first.

5. what is so hard to grasp about a fucking merge? it's not a stop sign, you fucktard, it's a yeild sign..which means you proceed cautiously....proceeding cautiously does not mean come to a complete fucking stop and pray to god someone will let you in. and while we're at this merge thing, how about hitting a speed over 45mph while you make the mighty trek onto the highway? i hear it helps the merge go smoother....

6. kinko's..synonymous with copies...that's the basis of your entire fucking business..so how the fuck can you have a kinko's without a copy center? HOW?!!

7. can someone explain to me why any heterosexual male would buy a fucking maltese puppy and name it "puffles"? it's not for the pussy factor, 'cause anyone sane girl looks at cute little maltese puppy running around with a stocky guy running after it screaming "puffles," and automatically thinks "flamer."

8. what the fuck douchebag thinks he's going to have any form of a shot with me when he walks up to me and says "whaddup woman?" are you fucking kidding me? and when i replied with "thank you for noticing i have ovaries. i've been lost for so long, but, by you calling me "woman" you have given me a new meaning in life. knowing now that i am truly female, i can now officially embrace my uterus! thank you!"...he had the gall to say "you're one stuck up bitch, get over yourself." riiiiiiight. with game like that i'm sure all the other girls are flocking your way, asstwat.

9. to the retard who asked me to spell my name for him while standing there holding and looking at my drivers license: close your mouth when you're standing there just festering in your stupidity, at least then you have the semblance of minor intelligence.

10. next asshole that says anything from a dane cook stand-up routine in my vicinity is going to get a size nine stilleto shoe to the fucking chode. it was funny two years ago when all this shit started, but you assholes ruined it by walking around saying "my dick feels like corn", "someone shit on the coats", "lets do this. i'm a cashew", or any other quote you tards like to say over-and-over-and-fucking-over again because, in all honesty, you lack anything worthwhile to say period. shut up! 'cause my fantastic manolo blahnik's will be lurking in the shadow awaiting contact with your chode, mother fucker.

11. if you are over the age of forty and could legitimately be my father outside of trailor park standard procedure of getting knocked up before the age of eighteen...get hip to reality. i am twenty-three..you are middle aged. i shave myself bald...you take propecia to avoid being bald. i can stay up for three days straight and still have energy...your nursing home has an eleven pm curfew. i can be obnoxious, rowdy, loud, and swear like a sailor and it's acceptable...you do the same and you just look like more of a douchebag. so you see, your pedophilic antics just aren't going to fly with me..so back the shit off.

12. ladies...that roll of pudge that pops out of your pants on account of them being too tight is not attractive. if wearing a size four instead of an eight gives you the boost of self confidence you need to get through the day with a roll of flub insulating your jeans, more power to ya....but you'd still look better if you just bought the right size.

13. i swear to fucking god that techno was created for the sole purpose of giving white people the opportunity to dance and not look like complete fucking idiots. think about it: the beat is the same in every goddamn song, so once whitey-ford fuckin finds his rhythm and accords it to the beat, he's just two arm flails and a kick away from dancin'...techno-rave style.

14. men..that "trick" of tucking your shirt in only in the front as a way to minimize the fat-factor isn't really fooling anyone. that shirt you're wearing that is some ungodly pastel color makes you look homosexual as all fucking hell. basically, if it's a color i wouldn't willingl wear in public...like bright fucking pink....then i really don't think you should even have it as part of your wardrobe.

15. i think razors should come with a warning that simply says: "thank you for your soul" because once you start shaving you're pretty much tied to the shackles of depilate endeavors until you go senile and stop giving a shit that your legs/arms/pubes resemble an ape's. also? they should include an eyebrow pencil in every pack of tweezers..just as a "you're going to over tweeze your eyebrows or pluck out a hair, by accident, that you needed" precaution. at least this way, you know what you're getting yourself into when you cross the threshold into personal grooming.

...but i always find my silver lining..

i saw pearl jam on saturday!! and though they played way too much shit off the new album, t'was a swinging good flannel-bearing-doc-maarten time! unfortunately the video's i took from my phone sucked more dick than the boston redsox, but a few of the picture came out well after an amass of tweaking..okay..like two, but a friend of mine was also at the show and he gave me the close-up of sir eddie! the two recordings i took turned out pretty good after i tweaked the shit out of them too-- daughter , and immortality.

but, every silver lining has a fuckin cloud..and lemme just say that the idiots waiving around their cell phones looked stupid. the lighter looks stupid enough, but a cell phone?!! c'mon now!