contrary to the matter, who you are you are not. the planets don't quite align. you should try not to be so courageous. you got it all wrong.

alright, before i go any further i have some things i need to get off my chest....

is there any fucking reason why you sit there having to sneeze for like ten minutes, but your body just doesn't give a shit or seem to want to be bothered by the sneeze-factor until you put some fuckin food in your mouth? it's like you take a bite of food because you do the ol' "well, it's been about ten minutes since the feeling first came on, i think i'm okay", and then TA-DOW! the sneeze unleashes it's bitch ass self, and your mouth-full of food goes flying everywhere, while the snot surrenders to the higher power of momentum. yea, it's not pretty, and yea..it boggles my mind. is there some kind of pressure change that is condusive to the onset of explosive sneezing that occurs when you shove some food in your mouth? either way...so not cool! not cool at all!

also, do you ever think african american people look at white people "up-in-da-club" and feel extreme pangs of pain at the whitey's trying to get down? i mean i--me, little miss white thang-- sit there and stare at the dance floor with this painful smile, as i watch these guys "lean-back," and the chicks shaking their asses like their having some kind of grand mals seizure right there on the dance floor. i half expect to catch some bitch frothing at the mouth out of the corner of my eye. regardless, i understand the point of going out is to have fun and unleash..and i understand you add some alcohol to the mix and people don't give a shit..but i kind of want to walk up to them and be like "you need to stop watching rap videos and thinking you can do *that* move," because if you notice, they just kind of lather, rinse, shake-shake-shake, and repeat. they find a move they think they can do, and they fuckin go to town, all the while totally negating the fact they can't really do the move. one chick at a bar a few weeks ago kept doing this spazztic hip shake-thing, and somehow incorporated a little shirt lifting action, and the combined effect made me think "light up clear heels, and a stripper pole, and she's so ready for the springer show with those moves". now, i'm not sitting here saying i'm some fuckin dancing prodigy. i'm not, by any stretch of the imagination. i have rhythm (i know i spelled that word correctly, but it looks so fucking wrong), i can adequately shake my ass --and only my ass, for you should be able to move your lower half and not your upper half to have any kind of liquid movement--which is a lot more than i can say for the majority of people up on the floor bustin' out fly ass moves. your white. it's cool...it's really not shocking to anyone, i swear. so stick with the white man overbite and concurrent shuffle....shake your hips back and forth while you conveniently step back and forth. no ones going to look at you funny. but, i'll be lurking in the shadows laughing my ass off if you forgo it all and miserably fail at your attempt to be the girl from the rap video. holla!

and lastly--i hope y'all had a fantastic mother's day and showed your momma's the lurve they deserve. i sent mine an assload of flowers (yea, i'm talking over two-hundred dollars worth here)...and got the standard bitchfest over the fact i used the wrong flower company, and the flowers weren't nice. but that's the secret. i pay once, she complains to the company--she gets another set for free. sometimes she even gets bigger bouquets and gets to customize the flowers she wants. ahhh! such method to my supposed incompetence, no?

oh! and i was watching the sureal life all sunday, and i'm in love with cc devil.

anyway! i had an interesting conversation with jake...it went a bit like this:

"you're like fuckin'.....you're like secret man."
"secret? huh? what the shit are you talking about?"
"secret. the deoderant. strong enough for a man ph balanced for a women..you know.."
"did you just fuckin say i'm like deoderant? what the fuck asswad?"
"hear me out e. you're all the comfort of a guy, with all perks of a chick..,.but sometimes the two don't gel together too well. for you they don't gel well together, know what i mean?"

(this is the look of extreme disappointment as the yankees fuckin get ONE! run against the A's..who got six. mother fuckers lost to texas too....they need to stop sitting around in a circle jerk and actually think about making some fucking runs or i will kill them..i swear! my ulcer cant' take this!)

it still amuses me that my best friend found the need to compare me to deoderant in order to make whatever point he was going for, which was just fucked aside mid yankee game when the fuckers started losing..AGAIN!

but he's right.

i firmly believe that there is a time and a place for everything. i don't sit there at work poking fun at my boss for possible pubic hair conditions (oh god, i just puked in my mouth a little bit), and i don't verbalize all the smut that passes through my head during any given time i'm at school and just utterly nauseated by the clothing choices some people tend to make, and the arrogant shit that spews forth from their little lawyer-wannabe mouths.

but outside of work, school, and certain social circumstances? fuck it.

i'm one insanely goofy little girl. i'm an insanely vile, and disgusting little girl too....and the combination of the two has left many a guy (and girl..but that just goes without say since most girls are prissy lil bitches) fairly offended, or just absolutely grossed out.

i'm sarcastic..i'm biting, and i fucking love making fun of people. i love it even more when they throw it right back at me. i'm immature as all hell and stupid humor cracks me up like nothing else.

i have a fairly decent lego collection. i absolutely hate shopping.

i love video games, watching sports, death-defying extreme sports, and i'd honestly rather sit and drink a few beers while kicking back than put time and effort into trying to look good and going out to some club. i love movies with random violence, disgusting gore, and i adore cars to the point that i know more about them than a lot of guys.

and i'm upfront, and myself from the get go. whether i've known you for ten years, or ten minutes--i act pretty much the same, and i don't really censor myself.

but?

at the same time, i'm sensitive to certain topics of conversation, and i'm insanely over-analytical, self critical....and have difficulty taking criticism from people i care deeply care about but who haven't reached the level of "constant" in my thinking. i constantly doubt my own self worth and everyones intentions around me, and pertaining to me.

yea, that's right. everything about my demeanor and personality screams "i'm like one of the guys;" yet, i have this sickening undertone of "i'm your prototypical hyper sensitive female whom you must walk upon eggshells around" that likes to make its presence known every now and then.... i'm easy going, laid back, and i don't care about the details.....but i'm constantly reading too much into things--things that may not even be there, or just don't matter, second guessing myself and the situations i find myself in.

i know i'm a gemini..but...that's pretty absurd, no?

and i think there-in lies one of my biggest problems. i hold myself to the "neurotic female," within, yet can't seem to hold those around me to any more than some bullshit standard i have of "well, they had their reasons i'm sure," shrugging things off, and then pretending it never happened.

gets hard to reconcile the two sides of myself in some situations. while i sit there getting a thought provoked beat down that shakes my confidence and self-opinion, they get a mere slap on the wrist and a "fuckin asshole!"...for something *they* induced within me. i know it's so fucking stupid to take-out on myself the things that other people have done, for lack of better phrasing.

but? i can't yell at them because i have one shitty fucking conscious.

way to mine own self be true, huh?

hah! yay being a silly little girl!