you don't know why you can't say goodbye. all you know is i'm with you and make you free, and swim through your veins like a fish in the sea...

i'm not religious by any stretch of the imagination.

i believe in a higher being of some sort, which i refer to as G-d, i have faith, i believe in fate and destiny because they're simply to romantic to deny....and that's about it.

i say i'm jewish because that's what i was raised knowing. they are christians, we are jews...and all that really seperates us are the holy trinity, and religious zealots that will try to use the bible as a means to achieve whatever fucked up ends they can imagine.

i mean seriously, how often do you hear jews clinging steadfastly to the talmud and telling entire sects of people they are going to hell for activities they engage in? how often do you see a jew raise his hands to the sky and praise G-d, while blowing himself up for a spot in heaven? when was the last time you turned on the news and saw jews protesting burials for soldiers who gave their lives, because they think that the word of the torah is the actual word of G-d and in some fucked up interpretation they have, those soldiers deserved to do for disobeying said word?

never. and in this world where tolerance has taken an ugly turn and affords people who have no business having any form of a voice, a public forum to speak....i take solace in the contours of my religion which prescribe's nothing more than having some faith in the intangible. i find peace that the backbone of judiasm is simply respect. you may not agree, it may be wrong to you, but you aren't ever in a position to pass judgement because you are not perfect in all that you do.

and as a whole? i think that's pretty commendable. as a sect of people, jews have been shit on repeatedly throughout history and have been the subject of numerous extermination plans..and through it all, we've remained pretty peaceful and accepting.

but, that's not the point of my blabbering...sorry, i got on a tangent.

i don't do the religon thing. passover came and went, i bought matzah but still ate bread. rosh hashanah greeted me with a "l'shana tova" from my parents and brother, and i took it as an excuse not to go to school. yom kippur got the ol' "chatima tova" from the family, and a little reflection on my part while i skipped all my classes for the day. i light the menorah for chanukah and get my dog and cat little presents.......and that about sums up my religious practices.

to me being jewish is more cultural. say what you want, but i firlmy believe that judaism is an ethnicity as much as it is a religion...and the culture is amazing. we're loud, we're boisterous, we're family and education oriented. you never hear about jewish parents denouncing their child because they are homosexual. religiously, it's not allowed, per se...but turning your back on your own flesh-and-blood just contravenes every ounce of logic possible. instead of exiling a gay son, jewish mothers try and find their son's a nice jewish boy to settle down with.

so when my parents ride my ass about how it's important to marry (or at least try to marry) a fellow jew, i usually just roll my eyes. i understand where they're coming from. marriage and all that bullshit is hard enough and requires a shitload of compromise, so why add religious affiliation into the mix? people do have a strange way of finding their dormant faith when kids are placed into the equation. the point is driven home exceedingly well when they bust out the big guns: "your great grandmother survived the concentration camps so you could be a jew and so you can say it without the ramifications of persecution."

but i honesly don't think it matters. at all. if you aren't some jesus loving freak, and you have an ounce of morality..then what's the big fuckin deal? yes the idea of having a preist at my wedding is absolutely repugnant to me, and i can't really imagine my kids having jesus in their lives...or celebrating christmas outside of the standard chinese food anda movie...but, those are details. after-thoughts to the potential fact that you may be with someone long term, no?

yes, they are deal breakers because i don't really think i'll compromise on those "things"...but you can't run into a deal without negotiations, right? dating is like negotiations, to me. hell, 99% of the time relationships turn out to be horrible failures..so does it really matter if he loves himself some mother mary and joseph, and i love myself some hamentaschen and have a mezuzah on my door? basically, why worry about shit until shit happens?

but my mother would always look at me--while shaking her head smiling--and say "you don't know what it's like to hear your heart sing because of who you are."

damnit! two points for el madre. but to be fair, i never understood what the fuck she was talking about until about...seven hours ago.

i've been having a rough time lately, given a few things going on my life. add in the fun of finals and the nagging feeling of incompetence and disappointment that complete the happy-meal of education...and yea, i'm just kind of this angst ridden ball of melancholy. i'm not unhappy..i'm not really in a funk...i'm just lacking finite reasons to smile lately. it happens, so not a big deal.

but, i was showering and per procedure i leave my itunes on while i shower. no idea why seeing as i can't hear the music over the water and bathroom fan--i just hear the subwoofer thudding. anyway! i had my itunes running, and as i stepped out of the shower, dried off..moisturized and turned off the fan...i heard the song that was playing.

and i smiled.
and i felt like this huge burden had lifted off my shoulders.
and i felt relaxed and free.
and i felt my heart sing.

the song was bay mir bistu sheyn. it's a yiddish song my mother and father always sang to me when i was a little girl, and even still sing to me now.

"bay mir bistu sheyn, bay mir hos tu heyn, bay mir bistu eyner oyf der velt. bay mir bistu sheyn, bay mir hostu heyn, bay mir bitsu tayerer fun gelt"...."to me you are lovely, to me you are charming, to me you are the only one in the world. to me you are lovely, to me you are charming, to me you are more precious than money"

and yes, the song has an element of comfort because of the life my parents breathed into it. but comfort is far different than feeling completely at ease in times of extreme distention. my heart unknotted, despite everything, and cantillated with each palpitation the resounding essence of who i am, despite everything...

i'm a jew--for better or for worse.

it will always be something that differentiates me from the people around me. it will always be a function of commonality that places someone into the safe-zone much quicker. it will always be something near and dear to my heart that warrants the same tender smile, and the same combative actions in the face of all things derogatory, that my family and dear friends evince.

i still think religion/faith/ethnicity is a petty reason to not give someone a chance, but i can't lie. being jewish is a huge part of who i am, religion aside...

finally, i understand what my mother was talking about for all these years.