home sweet home!
nothing like leaving 75 degree humid weather (yes, i'm one of those sick people who rather likes humidity) to arrive in a wonderful 22 degrees...although, that i can deal with. it's arriving in cleveland that made it a bit..ewww.
anyway, the trip was super fun minus a bit of mycological smut infecting my brothers eye kind of rendering him, not so much bed ridden, but photophobic in the most extreme sense of the word..but, i got to chill with my family, drink with my family, and that made me happy..so! good trip!
(minus the 8 course meal and five bottle of wine dinner on saturday night, which i think made me 10lbs heavier..but they had macademia banana nut encrusted bread pudding..i love bread pudding y'all! love! it!)
regardless...brother is doing better (and momma even stayed behind to help him out), so....let us get to the thrust of this post:
highights (or low lights) of el vacation-o!
1. i don't have a very jewish last name. at all. in fact, unless i tell people, flat out, that i am in fact jewish, they would never guess it from my name and general appearance....and thus, i am not going to take this as a personal attack on continental airlines part; however, how the fuck does it happen that i, lil miss jewish princess over here, wound up stuck in the middle seat between two...not one, but TWO!, fuckin christian missionary's?! and these weren't missionary's on a fuckin break...oh no! they were spreading the good lord of jesus christ, the lord but not even close to my savoir, like their spot in heaven depended on it. they talked to EVERYONE within a ten foot radius at the gate about the glory of mr. hay-zeus..to which i rolled my eyes, shook my head, and tried really really hard not to chime in with my gloriously different two cents about religion. so, imagine the awesome joy that just overcame me when i eyeballed where row 11 was, and noticed that....the two missionary's were seated in the window and aisle row. i muttered (read: said insanely loudly) "fuck me, i have to sit by the jesus lovers", and proceeded to walk down to row 11, and take my seat. i said hi, and i didn't even have my carry on in the cute lil overhead compartment..before the fat one was giving me his "jesus loves you, and can save you" card, and the less fat one by the window was asking me if i had found jesus christ and accepted him into my heart.
so what did i do?
i pretended i was french, and didn't speak very good english..put my ipod on and turned that bitch up as loud as it could, and tried my best to drowned out the teachings, preachings, and gospel of mighty conversion to the dark side....but even two jet engines and 30 decibles (or something close to that) of blaring heavy metal and hip hop couldn't drowned out the bastard lull of psalms, and mythologial christian truisms.
put lightly: it was three hours of fucking hell! and i am more greatful, now, more than ever, that it is against my religion to actively convert people....cause that's just fucking annoying as ALL hell.
2. i realized i'm a bit of a...i'm not sure bigot is the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. there was a women sitting next to me in the gate while we were waiting for the flight to houston to start boarding, and she was reading the "harvard university: business world" magazine...which is the equivalent of MIT's technology review....you only get it if you're an alumni. so, i thought to myself wow, smart woman..harvard business school...very nice...and then, while they announced first class boarding, she got out her phone to call her husband....and in the most southernest twang i've ever heard she talked to her husband about god knows what because the southern accent was just so goddamn thick i could barely understand her...and she went from being oh smart woman in my head to oh god, what a retard. that's just not right! damn my yankee ass!!
3. i ended up taking a taxi from the airport to my brothers apartment on account of my parents flight being delayed and my brothers eye being a palatial fungal retreat. nothing really odd about that; however, the driver of the taxi was a jamaican man...born, and raised..who moved to texas two years ago. also, not that odd. what was insanely odd, to me, was that this jamaican man was blasting good ol' country music the entire 45 minute drive.....and yes, it drove me absolutely insane...and no, i still hate country.
3-1. my family decided to do japanese take-out becaues my brother couldn't be in any amount of light and be okay (seriously, candle light even made him cringe). so, i walked into the restaurant, and was greated by a korean man...who said "howdy!" in a korean accent, and then proceeded to order from a little chinese girl who had a thick fuckin southern accent. odd--to me--on both counts!
4. i saw more fake titties in houston than i've ever seen anywhere...and i lived in LA for four years. talk about me losing all my luster....everywhere i turned..giant titties..i felt so...normal!! at least mine are real though =P
5. most airlines now do the "board-by-row-number" thang, which is cool. it's fairly efficient; however, what isn't efficient is letting people who are in row, lets say..10, board when people in rows 15-25 are supposed to be boarding..kind of defeats the purpose no? what's more inefficient?! having people wait so the bitches in first class can get their pre-flight snacks and drinks. while i was boarding my departing flight, which was already delayed by 50 minutes due to the plane arriving late from it's previous location and a seat malfunction which took another 30 minutes to fix, one of the first class flight attendants had the gall to stop me before i entered the main hull of the plane, so that she could get the newly seated first class passengers their drinks. i shit you not, she actually told me to stand there while she got outcups, ice, poured soda's, and served, and returned....meanwhile, i'm standing there holding my computer bag, my purse, and my carry-on---which wasn't heavy, per se, but not something i want to hold for 10 minutes while rich snooty people get a nice reminder of how money can buy them everything...even if it means making people wait so they have a refreshing beverage.
hmmmmm...well, on account of me not sleeping all weekend and being fuckin hungover as hell...on wine, no less....i'm just giving up on this post.
sorry it sucked!
1. i don't have a very jewish last name. at all. in fact, unless i tell people, flat out, that i am in fact jewish, they would never guess it from my name and general appearance....and thus, i am not going to take this as a personal attack on continental airlines part; however, how the fuck does it happen that i, lil miss jewish princess over here, wound up stuck in the middle seat between two...not one, but TWO!, fuckin christian missionary's?! and these weren't missionary's on a fuckin break...oh no! they were spreading the good lord of jesus christ, the lord but not even close to my savoir, like their spot in heaven depended on it. they talked to EVERYONE within a ten foot radius at the gate about the glory of mr. hay-zeus..to which i rolled my eyes, shook my head, and tried really really hard not to chime in with my gloriously different two cents about religion. so, imagine the awesome joy that just overcame me when i eyeballed where row 11 was, and noticed that....the two missionary's were seated in the window and aisle row. i muttered (read: said insanely loudly) "fuck me, i have to sit by the jesus lovers", and proceeded to walk down to row 11, and take my seat. i said hi, and i didn't even have my carry on in the cute lil overhead compartment..before the fat one was giving me his "jesus loves you, and can save you" card, and the less fat one by the window was asking me if i had found jesus christ and accepted him into my heart.
so what did i do?
i pretended i was french, and didn't speak very good english..put my ipod on and turned that bitch up as loud as it could, and tried my best to drowned out the teachings, preachings, and gospel of mighty conversion to the dark side....but even two jet engines and 30 decibles (or something close to that) of blaring heavy metal and hip hop couldn't drowned out the bastard lull of psalms, and mythologial christian truisms.
put lightly: it was three hours of fucking hell! and i am more greatful, now, more than ever, that it is against my religion to actively convert people....cause that's just fucking annoying as ALL hell.
2. i realized i'm a bit of a...i'm not sure bigot is the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. there was a women sitting next to me in the gate while we were waiting for the flight to houston to start boarding, and she was reading the "harvard university: business world" magazine...which is the equivalent of MIT's technology review....you only get it if you're an alumni. so, i thought to myself wow, smart woman..harvard business school...very nice...and then, while they announced first class boarding, she got out her phone to call her husband....and in the most southernest twang i've ever heard she talked to her husband about god knows what because the southern accent was just so goddamn thick i could barely understand her...and she went from being oh smart woman in my head to oh god, what a retard. that's just not right! damn my yankee ass!!
3. i ended up taking a taxi from the airport to my brothers apartment on account of my parents flight being delayed and my brothers eye being a palatial fungal retreat. nothing really odd about that; however, the driver of the taxi was a jamaican man...born, and raised..who moved to texas two years ago. also, not that odd. what was insanely odd, to me, was that this jamaican man was blasting good ol' country music the entire 45 minute drive.....and yes, it drove me absolutely insane...and no, i still hate country.
3-1. my family decided to do japanese take-out becaues my brother couldn't be in any amount of light and be okay (seriously, candle light even made him cringe). so, i walked into the restaurant, and was greated by a korean man...who said "howdy!" in a korean accent, and then proceeded to order from a little chinese girl who had a thick fuckin southern accent. odd--to me--on both counts!
4. i saw more fake titties in houston than i've ever seen anywhere...and i lived in LA for four years. talk about me losing all my luster....everywhere i turned..giant titties..i felt so...normal!! at least mine are real though =P
5. most airlines now do the "board-by-row-number" thang, which is cool. it's fairly efficient; however, what isn't efficient is letting people who are in row, lets say..10, board when people in rows 15-25 are supposed to be boarding..kind of defeats the purpose no? what's more inefficient?! having people wait so the bitches in first class can get their pre-flight snacks and drinks. while i was boarding my departing flight, which was already delayed by 50 minutes due to the plane arriving late from it's previous location and a seat malfunction which took another 30 minutes to fix, one of the first class flight attendants had the gall to stop me before i entered the main hull of the plane, so that she could get the newly seated first class passengers their drinks. i shit you not, she actually told me to stand there while she got outcups, ice, poured soda's, and served, and returned....meanwhile, i'm standing there holding my computer bag, my purse, and my carry-on---which wasn't heavy, per se, but not something i want to hold for 10 minutes while rich snooty people get a nice reminder of how money can buy them everything...even if it means making people wait so they have a refreshing beverage.
hmmmmm...well, on account of me not sleeping all weekend and being fuckin hungover as hell...on wine, no less....i'm just giving up on this post.
sorry it sucked!
19 comments:
oh by the way? it's savior or saviour if you're in canada ... savoir is a french verb meaning to know...
also?
welcome back la chik, hope you get over the hangover after you sleep some!
THe southern twang is the worst side affect of being southern. It's not soemthing you're born with though. I've been told by a lot of people that I sound like I am from the north east. For that I am so pleased. I agree with you that it makes people sound like morons. Hope you bounce back soon.
oooh .... be french to me! pretty please? heh
and I'll take yer real ones over houston's many fakes ones ... not that I have anything against fake ones ... but yours are so smart too!!
I. fucking. hate. flying.
Banks, insurance companies, airlines — bastards all!!
I suppose I'm Christian, but I keep my opinion to myself. You should have asked to be moved, perhaps by telling the flight attendant your brother had been molested by clergy and you didn't feel like being preached to.
Will: i didn't even notice i posted it twice haha...but, i did sleep from 10pm to 10am without any problems. YES! and i'm only back 'til saturday..so..come and get me while you can.
Sass: i can't spell :) but at least it goes with my "hi, i'm elle, i'm french" theme haha
EverCurious: i don't think i sound any more intelligent when i have my ny accent going on...sound just as dumb. i think it's just the stereotype of southerners i grew up with being from the northeast.
Dzer: i hate flying with a passion..and yet, i end up doing it all the goddamn time. GRR!!
Todd: good idea! should always make my brothers molestation by clergy public knowledge..however, they weren't catholic, they were christian. and apparently? there's some kind of difference.
Guerilla: i just think it's wrong to go around saving souls and spreading the good word in public venues where a plethora of people, in the most diverse sense of the term, go. and it's not like airports are friendly great places that give people great experiences.....so shut up with the jesus love! and thanks hun..i'd hot sauce your ass up any day ;)
Murph: what the fuck is dressing up like a republican/conservative? you fuckhead!
What up chica? Returning hungover isn't fun, but at least you knew you had a good time doing it. That's all that matters :)
Wes: so true :)
Murphy: you're a fucktard, and not even jesus can save you from the brutal ass kicking i have waiting for you.
i hate murph.
What, a protestant can't molest a kid?
Welcome back, french girl! That was brilliant ...I've done that before with leery slobs on the subway, but never as a frenchie. I can no longer string together enough french niceties to make that viable.
Weird that everyone has a texas accent. Perhaps that explains Le W since he was actually raised in.. um, Connecticut I think?
were your missionary types clean cut young men in white shirts and ties? God love the LDS or something. Any way, if it was, next time just tell them "look, if my drinking buddy the Ward Bishop could not convert me, what makes you think you young piss ants can?" It is GUARANTEED to shut them up
No, I don't think anyone sounds more intelligent, I just cringe at southern staples in conversation. EX: ain't, double negatives, and condecension hidden under layers of twang. I do think that Matthew McConaughey's southern drawl is sexy. Some people pull it off, some really over do it. I just don't want to sound like a Texan. I'm proud to say that I am, but also to hear that I don't sound like it. I like the confusion it creates.
Seriously Buttah - I love it when you do the airport people observing posts!! Something about somebody as wonderful as you spectating in type... brilliance at work here people...
pay attention every one, she's on the ball! :)
Shane: don't we all?
Will: you worry me sometimes. muy worry me!
Todd: they can.but it doesn't have the same effect as catholic celebate asexual preists...right?
MJ: i hate flying too. i hate people more. wooooo, too bad i fly somewhere once a month about....
Jmai: it takes one sentence, and not talking anymore. though, i'm still pretty fluent, which helps :)
Mallory: i don't know enough about christianity to know what a ward bishop is haha
EverCurious: three words: my cousin vinny. oh yes! that's how retarded we sound!
me and elle are pals on myspace. all the rest of you can suck it.
we're gonna get t-shirts made that say, "best friends forever".
scumbag: uh gag me with a spoon dude
Thanks for taking me on vacation! At least... virtually.
1. LMAO at the strange regional half-breeds in Texas.
2. Country music played for Hubris = relentless puking Hubris. That is as simple as I can describe it.
3. Brother's eyeball... bad news! I hope he feels better...
4. You aren't a bigot. You're just judgmental. :)
5. Oh soo sorry about the Jesus Freaks. Funny as hell though. Next time, for shits n' giggles, tell them that the secret to awesome Christian music (not yet achieved. ever) is to subtract Christianity and add copious amounts of narcotics. Oh wait. I guess that means all good music is never ever Christian. *he he*
glad to hear you had a good trip.
HH
don't you hate the double comment?
i hate it :)
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