and before i go into whatever meaning they may or may not have....i expressed in my post on monday that when i find myself in a bit of a rut, i either spend insane amounts of money on things i really don't need (i love sofie like she's my own child..but did i need her? as much as i need the proverbial hole in my head..)...and that, in the absence of the money squandering, i tend to do body modifications...
the body modifications of now, are kind of like an hommage to my shitty past of being a typical depressed teenager who really didn't care if she lived or not, and yea, i admit that i used to cut myself...because when you're so torn up and anguished inside, it feels insanely good to just release it...(hey..you try moving every three to four years of most of your life..and get back to me on how it feels to just be continually misplaced..especially during those extremely fun teenage years)
yes..in retrospect i know i was insanely fucked up and probably needed medical attention of some kind..but whatever, i worked through it, and though i'm neither the happiest of people nor the most self loving, i am, for the most part, okay now.
mostly, i just change something about myself--like my hair color--so that the reflection in the mirror staring back at me can kind of mask the turmoil of things going wrong in my synaptic realm......but the memory of how it felt to just redirect the dolor to something manageable and controllable is something i'll never forget....and thus, when i find myself in times-0-extended-funk, like i am now, i tend to run out and get something peirced...or tattooed....
and thus, i sublimated for an hour and walked away with two more permanent manifestations of how screwed up i can be sometimes.....
(and no, i'm not saying all this for sympathy, pity, or compliments....i'm not even really explaining the way i am...just saying what it is...whether it's good or not, that's for you to decide..)
regardless...like i said..i added two to my repetoire...and i have to say, i rather like them.
the first is a star on my right hand. why did i put a star there? because i used to draw one there throughout middle school and high school...and ya know what? it's pretty fuckin cute! will i regeret it in the future? most likely..but won't i regret most of my tattoos?
the other tattoo i got has a bit more meaning.
as most of you know, i have a lot of issues with the emotional side of things. i prefer to just ignore that purview alltogether. i know there are people that i care about immensely, there are people that i love, there are people that i would, without question, die for, and there are a lot of people i would go through hell for just to see smile....
but all that? i keep to myself.
i know i'm not as horrible as i think i am in my wee litte head, i know i have a lot of good attributes that people admire in me, and that i even admire in myself, and i know that i have a lot to offer people by way of the various relationships i engage in daily...
but all that? i just brush off and ignore.
i like being the seemingly happy-go-lucky, funny, sarcastic girl who, for all intents and purposes, just goes with the flow and has no real big issues with anything (other than myself..that is)...because 96% of the time that's pretty much how i am...
but i know that the other 4% of the time, i need to work on expressing how i feel..and the bulk of that has to do with expressing love...for myself, and for those around me. afterall, i can't expect any guy to give a shit about me if i can't even manifest the simple words to tell the guy i care about him..right?
so, i got the word "ahava" on my wrist. in hebew it means "giver" and "love"...which kind of shows the two fold nature of love. love, by it's very nature is giving....
in a more philosphical sense, giving is the single method that enables us to connect with another in any way, and it is that giving that is the condition precedent that extends into the creation and sustaing of love--no matter the level or kind. the giving may be physical, emotional, intellectual, or any combination desired...but without giving from ourselves and of ourselves, no relationship--whether familial, friendship, or romantic--can ever be enduring...
perhaps i'm reading into things too much......or perhaps i'm making more out of two simple words than i should..but they are both things i need to work on.
i need to work on not being so closed off. i need to work on deconstructing my wall for certain people, because i can't expect anyone to want to deconstruct my enormous emotional block from the start. i need to work on giving to myself and loving myself. i need to work on giving myself to others, so that i can love (or an gradient of the word thereof) them as they deserve.
it's still healing, so..any picture i take is blurry because of the neosporine..so next week it should be all good to go and show off.
happy hnt y'all.
happy hnt y'all.
43 comments:
i really like the star actually.
your reasoning makes me sad as hell but it's better than cutting. would that you could find some love for yourself in that big heart of yours...
Always knew you were a giver. Hells yeah.
As a to-be lawyer, you of course know that the lovely bit about words is that they are open to interpretation. We would hardly have jobs if we couldn't read so much into mere words and twist them about so that they mean one thing for one side of the argument and something quite different on the other side.
One of my favourite things about language (English and foreign) is how words often represent multiple meanings. Make of them what you will and use them to your advantage, always.
Happy HNT.
I don't see what you see in the first one (i.e. a problem with the hair of some sort that only you see).
Your eyes speak volumes, and you look happy and michievous right there. I like it.
Christophe--you know what i could, but then i figure i wouldn't capture you like i did with my poignant, brutally honest, and profound writing. also...my blog..my rules..i do what the fuck i want on it. you don't like it, don't fucking waste your time making sure i know about it, cause i could give two shits. K? K!
Sass: thanks :) hurts like a mother fucker. i know cutting isn't healthy or what not, but in theory it's the equivalent as going and engaging in a hard, strenuous, physically painful work out that, in the end, makes you feel better. it's that physical manifestation of strife, pain, angst, and drive that lets the emotional kick off it's shoes and relax a little bit.
Wes: i haven't even begun to show you the things i give ;)
Will: awwww, you're defending me! i heart you like a fat kid hearts cake! anyway, yea, after she did the tat on my hand, i was like "Fuck that" to the finger. it's not even that it hurt, it's just not a fun place to have tattooed....i can't explain it. and the healing? dear christ...none of my other tattoos hurt at all after getting them was said and done..but these two? bloody hell dude. i think it's because they're in places that have a lot of physical contact with things: sleeves, laptop, desks, books...they never get to just chill!
Jmai: i've always loved playing with words. advantage aside, it amazes me the different nuances, variations in meaning, or even the imagery and tone created by simply stringing a few words together. and amen--without the almighty ambiguity of the world, lawyers would be fucked....especially ones like me who works on contracts all day for a job!
Matt: my hair is all fucked up on the side, 'cause i put it up when it was wet. NEVERMIND, it's a girl thing. and mischievious? me? i'm a little angel!
yay! more fun comments!
you know what i think is funny? that you made it a point to come back to my blog to further insinuate my writing is crap..when in reality if it was, in fact, as horrible as you say..you wouldn't have taken the time out of your precious "i need money from my parents" scheme to read it, or comment on it..
i don't care if you think what i have to say is shit. i write for the sole purpose that i enjoy it and like having an outlet, and not for anyone else. i allow comments so people can share their thoughts, even if negative-as you did, on the subject matter.
i didn't go to your blog to insult you. perhaps you confuse my sarcastic nature as insulting..but it's merely fun, on my part. i enjoy such castigatory banter...as, seemingly, do you. if i did in fact insult you, well, my apologies. wasn't my intention.
buttah: nice new additions to the tattosphere ... I'm still working out what the next one(s) will be ... happy HNT dahlink!
Christophelees: you find the person, i'm so there to bring on the inflammatory rhetoric.
tsk tsk. the essence of lovely writing lies in the thoughts that bring it to fruition; thus, what you said is a bit antithetical. try again luv..and this time, make it sting a tiny bit. i want to feel the angst, baby.
Dzer: thank you muffin! addictive little bastards aren't they?
Wow, you're beautiful.....
Great tats
Ohhh E, I looove them. I have been so tempted for ages to get a tat somewhere on my wrist or hand...I have one on my foot. LOVES IT!
And I feel you on the whole emotional wall thing. I have been in love with people with walls and it is not easy, especially because I am rather wall-less if you will. Although I do have one major defense mechanism...when I feel someone pulling away or putting up a wall, I pull away too, so as not to get hurt. But two wrongs do not a right make. :)
HHNT darling. xoxoxo
-N
turtleneck = queer
Elle- sweet tats, girl. Like you, I feel the urge to modify my body each time I remember. Not growing up... well, yes, but not from a child. From when I was married. I too would like to have some form of the word love on my body. That absolutely defines who I strive to be. I want one on each forearm. On the other side I plan to tattoo the word 'endure'. I've learned so much in the last five to ten years that I wish for a constant reminder. *raises glass* Here's to you for getting a reminder you find meaningful on your body.
p.s. Check my blog later, I'm re-doing your South Park character to have bigger boobs ;)
There. I updated my post. You may now use the SP-Elle pic :)
Cool Tat's
I almost got the word STAND tattooed to my back a few years ago. It meant
Start
To
Act
Normal
Damn it
But I wussed out and decided just to draw the word Stand on a very expensive piece of paper instead.
Kristen: all blogging chicks are hot..it comes with the territory ;)
Christophelees: good morning my little french pop tart. finding something well written is different than finding something written that is, as you said, lovely. n'est pas?
love me in a way that makes me cry? sorry, that position was filled about three months ago by a shithead friend of mine. i do have an opening for the "love me and buy me stuff" position though, interested?
Nat: did the foot tattoo hurt? cause the one on my ankle pretty much made me swear off anything below the hips for tattoo's. GOD it hurt!
i know my emotional wall isn't always a good thing..so, it's kind of my thing to work on making it less if a dark cloud in my relations with people who haven't known me for years. it's kind of unfair to expect people to put effort into me if i can't put effort into trying to let them in.
Hubris: i love how you and i are always on the same wave length :) sometimes it's nice to have a constant reminder about your plans at self betterment..makes it a bit harder to just tuck it in the back of your mind when it's inoppertune to make good on your promise to yourself. OH! and thanks for the titties haha! that rocks my world!
Murph: oral. lets go!
Guerilla: i kind of want it to fade a bit. anyway, that kinda blows. i've always been told to just neosporine it the first week, and then lubriderm it the second week. ODD. you can kiss it, and anything else you'd like, anytime my dear. anytime!!
LSD: i've wussed out of a lot of tats i've wanted. not always a bad thing.
Elly-elle...nope it didn't hurt. But I think my pain threshold is high. When they did the one on my back I almost fell asleep.
Hehehe :)
-N
the one on my back didn't hurt at all..what sucked was being bent over int hat position for the 2.5 hours it took. i got up and did the whole fall thing when i tried to take my first step cause both my legs were asleep.
none of my tattoo's hurt, except the one on my ankle and hand. maybe it's just cause there's a lot of tendons and nerves up in there? who knows.
total aside: i have no idea why i came to class today..i'm doing everything BUT pay attention
glad you're turned on Christophe..now go buy me stuff!
Fucking great tat choices Buttah! Love the star on the hand especially...
I had to laugh because I use to draw a star there in the web of my hand all the time when I was bored in health class... only it was more like and asterik *
Yeah, whoo hoo! Happy HNT you look beautiful :)
Beautiful tattoos! I am getting two new ones of my own soon...one that Everything Nice is drawing for me...hard to explain but I will post a pic when it's all done; and the sanskrit phrase "Simplicity is beautiful" That one is to remind me to slow down and do things well, more simply! That is where I find my moments of peace~ when I just get rid of all the trappings of modern day living and decide to just 'be.'
Thanks for a great post...and I may need you to help me with a teen girl who has decided I should be her confidante~ she has issues with the cutting thing as well, and I think you might be helpful.
I want another tattoo!!!
Christophelees: i agree, but only if get to shave the balls before i get to the tonguing.
Miss Innocent: thank you! tattoos are addictive, aren't they? i'd be more than happy to try and help with the teenage girl..i say try, mostly because it's tough to help people, first hand, with internal issues..let alone vicariously as a third party.
Mimi: i know it frustrates my parents that i do keep quiet about most things, especially because my brother is like them and has no qualms with talking about anything. than you for your kind word, i really do appreciate it..and please feel free to frequent as often as you wish :)
Kristen: sadly, so do i! and i just got these last week!!
wavelengths indeed. Connections small or great are my favorite part of consciousness.
btw. no Tool dates posted in North America yet but I'm totally holding you to it right down to the sushi on Bloor.
Wow, I've never found a wrist to be that hot before...Nice.
Hubris: amen to connections :) hold me to it..because that's one orgasmic night..sushi and tool *drool*
Mongoose: i try, just for you!
Will: awww, you just made me all warm and fuzzy inside. i like how you put it, very much so
Christophe: it's a good start. hand it over.
We all have those days Elle...I used to have those days when I was in class. But I was still respectful unlike my students who will actually try to sleep lol gawwwd.
-N
MMmmm... orgasmic sushitool
And holy fuck! Can I just say, the trilogy of songs at the end of Lateralus, that being Disposition, Reflection and Triad, played live, is simply the most stunning and moving 30 minutes of auditory & visual experience I have ever had.
I can't wait to do it again :)
Christophelees: bring your balls on over then, sweet thang. acumen account and all.
Nat: yea, we can't sleep....downfall of the socratic method; however, you can usually catch most students web surfing and chatting online and NOT taking notes.
Hubris: I AM SO THERE!!!
Murph: you don't want me, i have to expand my horizens to find someone who will!
Christophelees: mon cheri, at least make it out to elle. gives it more validity. i feel that you and i are at such a point that we can rebuke the petty call-girl nomenclature, and just get real. oh, and i'm not about to interfere with your crack binges..not my style to meddle. let me know when is good for you.
I'm going to link ya'....is that ok?
Christophelees: you have fun with that moral decay. i'll stick to the sideline and make snide comments. and, of course i have finals..i'm a student.
Kristen: funny! i was going to ask you the same thing when i got home :) i'd be honored! and i'll totally return the favor when i get home...seeing as the school's internet doesn't seem to like me doing anything other than my bastard thesis. it's a conspiracy i tell you!
great pics. HHNT. really love the pics at the bottom of the page. i left a comment there too.
Damn school computers!!!
YAY!!!
thank you JD ;)
Kristen: no shit! i tried to republish my blog with the south park pic..took me 16 different tries.
bastards
Hand-tattoos kick ass. When I was 13 or 14 I tattooed a heart on my hand because I was drunk and fucked-up trying to tattoo a spade. I get compliments from my various employers all the time!
Yo, that dude above has just freaked me the hell out. So, law school? Hmmm, what memories....
Timmy: it shows that you care. heart on the hand, so to speak...speaks volumes to your character ;)
Mongoose: yea, law school..i hate it. what kind of law do you do?
Christophelees: glad my ass makes you so happy.
:( I guess I am a bastard for not asking if I could link ya...
Dig the star (I have two stars on the inside of each heel except they aren't colored in) and wanna see more of other cause you just can't see it by the pic..
Tattoos are so addicting
Okay so now i'm asking cause I feel like an ass, can I link ya?
So I am getting back here late...but can I beg of you...
Expand your horizons to KY already! Our men are hot and the women hotter...who needs Murph when you can have us?
(love ya' Murph, but I am a woman..I have needs! lol)
Hey BTW the little southparky Elle rocks!
:)
Huneeb: you're so not a bastard for not asking if you could link me! it's not like its some kind of priviledge..and i feel all awesome even if i'm not asked :) tattoo's are insanely addicting, yup...to the point where it's been a week and i want another one. but alas, i have to grow up sometime. damnit! definately show more of the other one.it's just hard to get a pic of your inner wrist haha. and thank you ! hubris made the lil southerpark me...i'm kind of enamored with her :)
Miss Innocent: well, my mom already does think i'm lesbian because of my lack of relationships in the past two years haha. kentucky huh? been there a few times when i lived in cinncy...gorgeous....but i think i'm too much of a yankee bitch to vibe there. or no?
Marrow-from-Harrow: word to your uh. preach it loud, preach it proud. holla!
Christophelees: good morning my little croissant. how are you this gloriously awesomely cloudy morning?
Ducati: thanks babe. how have you never gotten around to it?
Christophelees: darling, i am fabulous.
Post a Comment