dead on the inside i've got nothing to prove...keep me alive and give me something to lose..i've been gone so long...but i'll come back someday....

i've been in a pretty constant state of "meh" all week.

well, the meh has been kind of over-hanging like this giant cloud of "you will realize i'm here, it's a matter of time before you can't ignore me and push me out of your mind" since about....mid december....but i'm still ignoring......

why? i have no real concrete reason to be in a meh state-of-mind....but i think things are just getting to me...and one of those things is the fact i'm pretty much friendless in cleveland.

no. seriously. i have no one.

one group of friends i kind of ducked out of with the excuse of finals, and the promise to myself to never return. why?

what is it always?

drama.

what started out as a bunch of people having fun together and just hanging out...turned into a total mirage of what high school was like. people would talk behind each others back's, people would form clique's, people would flirt with people out of pure vengeance etc......and then people started sleeping together...and, i'm not one to judge, but..while fucking people in your circle in high school is kind of cliche and the norm....fucking people in your circle while you're married...well..that's just slootchie-ness to the extreme. and though most people were clueless about what was going on, for the most part, for some reason i just kind of knew....(damn my ability to read people well...seriously)...

which kind of led me to dislike certain people....and not trust certain people...and just not want to be around certain people.....and then when husbands found out and divorces were proclaimed....i somehow got sucked into the middle of it all because....i knew, and i put myself out there as a source for those certain people to talk to about it because....i knew! and that totally came back to bite me in the ass....and regardless of everything, those certain people continued doing what they were doing and everyone lived in a world with blinders on.......

so i said fuck it. i don't need that going on around me, and i certaintly don't need friends who would just, knowingly, throw away their marital relations like that....or friends who stand by with the proverbial blinders on and say nothing while they know exactly what's going on.

i dig honesty, i dig truth, and above all else...i dig loyalty.

and that was severely lacking, and i saw no point in sticking around.

so i bowed out from that group of people.....and, as i predicted, no one really bothered to notice i was missing.

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.....

as for the other group of people...well, that was more of a domino effect. i was "dating" this guy who i met through a few friends of mine (some associated with the aforementioned group)...he fucked me over in the summer blah blah blah blah, i'm a retard and decided to try the whole second chance thing blah blah blah blah....and then one day i woke up...

i suddenly realized i have an ounce of self worth...and i suddenly realized that he just didn't give a shit about anyone, but himself. and with the help of a guy i met (yea, this would be the guy who said i was "too nice"), i realized that people with a geniune interest in someone and a geniune nature to them...put effort into things...which this asshole never did.

i mean seriously, he wouldn't even take 2 minutes out of his day to text me "good luck" once during my two weeks of finals...why? because he forgot i had finals...why? oh, that's right...he didn't give a shit about me and despite me telling him all the time "yea i'm studying for finals, i can't go out", he just didn't give enough of a shit to remember.

so fine. i berated him here, put forth some major attitude and bitchiness in all his attemps to make contact with me...and aside from a half assed "are you mad at me or something?" he never really bothered to ask me what my deal was, why i was being so shitty, or anything else for that matter...but he did manage to get in a "i don't like the way you're talking to me, it's making me very mad" in there. (douchebag)....and after my response of "well, so sorry"...he never talked to me again.

ever.

and with that, i just bowed out of that group of people as well. afterall, they were his friends first..they've known him longer...and i'm sure he besmirched me like no other to them in light of me being "such a bitch"

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.....

so...that all happened about a week before i left for my winter break vacation...and now i've been back for three weeks and it's kind of hitting me like a big brick wall....

i can only keep so busy...studying only takes up so much of my day.....and i'm only working so much of the time.....and though i'm fine with being alone, as it is my nature to kind of be a loner, i'm not really fine with having no one to really just hang out with etc, around here.

my friends in new york and elsewhere, though i love them, aren't here. i live here. and as much as i love sitting in my apartment all the fucking time outside of classtime and working (this is extreme sarcasm people).....i need an out. i need to go out.

i'm not considered a party girl for nothin' here people!

and that's my problem.

i have no idea how to meet people. i mean...how does one meet people?! i'm totally fuckin clueless in this area.....

school's out because they're a bunch of egotistical "oh, i'm in law" shitheads who seriously live law school, and that? that i don't want. not to mention the downfall of going to a smaller more local law school (with the sweet and glorious perk of being 14k cheaper than the bigger, private university in the area) is the fact that everyone in my school is from the area and already knows each other....and it's just not worth the hassle of breaking down a clique's walls..because, ya never fully get in on the group...and you never are fully liked...

so....that leaves.......well? nowhere.

*sigh*

i'm proper fucked...aren't i?

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in other news...happy super bowl sunday y'all!! GO STEELERS!...

and in totally unrelated news..i found this blog.....and it sickeningly reminds me of the asian guys in my own dorm in undergrad. seriously, i wouldn't be surprised if these guys went to some form of a UC....regardless...it's funny....(dude, if you're reading, you need to watch this..it'll totally bring you back to the days of harrowdale...and the 2nd floor boys)...so..go have yo'self a laugh! and my own personal fav was the "get down" video...seeing as roommate 3 just sits there at his computer the whole time like what these two guys are doing is totally normal....hah. good stuff.