lung of love leaves me breathless....tongue of fool lap me in enmity....four walled secret lies among the hessian...and a flicker of the future....

there are some things that just aren't worth mentioning....

they aren't worth mentioning mostly because they mildly alter the way people look at you....

or can, to say the least...

thus, most people...even people very close to me, are kind of in the dark about some things...mostly because i don't like the pity look....

or the pity party....

or the way i somewhat turn into this example of "overcoming", even though i did nothing of the sort....

i like people to look at me for what i am...not what i've done, been through, etc....though i know that experiences are life shaping...they are not, in the least bit, life defining......so i keep my mouth shut and just simply say nothing.

regardless, a few weeks ago the lovely ms. sass asked about one thing...and i figure what better way to just let it all out than to post it on the world wide web for everyone who gives a shit to see....the proverbial "kill two birds with one stone" approach..you know?

soooooooooo...

i have no recollection of the actual date, and you'll see why in a moment, but per the usual antics...my friends and i went to someones apartment for a little drinky drinky...because at 15, you count on the kindness of russian parents to supply the alcohol....and then you count on the kindness of brooklyn's number one drug dealer to supply everything else (go rimjob)....

so whatever...we're all drunk/stoned/high on something, funtastic...and i think around 3am it was time for me to go home. jake, who was 18 at the time, was the only one of us who actually waited until he was 21 to drink, and never touched anything drug wise...he was also the only one who could legally drive...so, he drove us to the location, and said he'd drive us to our respective homes. so the three of us left....jake, reece- jake's little brother, and me.

so, we leave. jake drives, reece is in the front passenger seat, and i'm in the rear behind reece. we're driving along, laughing, talking, being dipshits....the usual...when we reach an intersection...

we had a green light....

the guy in the 18 wheel semi didn't notice the light turn red....

collission mid intersection.

the truck split, literally split, the car in half....such that jake and reece were on the other side of the road from me, and were detached completely from the rear portion of the car.... (i know this because jake told me)

i remember jake trying to get up, and falling...and i remember he was screaming my name and reece's name...i know i tried to respond but i couldn't..and i couldn't breath....and i never heard reece respond...

that's it.

i don't remember the ambulance coming, being placed in it, being sent to the hospital....nothing. i don't remember a thing.

and, when i opened my eyes again..i was in a hospital room, with my parents sleeping in the corner chairs. i tried to talk, but i couldn't....why? i was on a ventilator.

--total side: those things fuckin suck. granted, i needed it, but dear god..it sucks not being able to control your breathing...

i guess i started freaking out, because my parents woke up and ran to my bed and just held my hands and legs down for a little while, and kept saying that i was okay....after i calmed down a bit..my dad got the nurse...and she gave me some kind of sedative so i wouldn't move....and a pen and paper....

i wrote: what the fuck?

what? i was in restraints, on a vent, and in a hospital...i was a bit pissed

and before my mom could explain anything, my dad just left....that's how i knew it was bad, because my dad turns into the biggest asshole when we (i.e., me, my brother, or my mom) are hurt or are in pain...and usually just yells like a maniac because he's so nervous/scared...for him to just leave like that? holy hell.

my mom said: you were in a car accident.

i wrote: when?

my mom said: three weeks ago about. you were hurt, the ambulance took you here, you've been in this room since.

i wrote: three weeks? why don't i remember anything?

my mom said: you were in a coma. you broke all your ribs and your sternum..you can't breath on your own....you're going to need surgery, probably tomorrow, to fix things.

i wrote: where are jake and reece?

my mom said: jake is home. he's fine. he broke his leg and bruised his ribs.

i wrote: and reece?

my mom said nothing. she just kind of looked at me. i circled what i wrote and pointed to it again.

my mom shook her head.

i wrote: not good? worse than me?

my mom said: he died.

silence.

....

....

the doctor came in the next day and told me everything that was going on and what needed to be done to "fix" things. he estimated i needed 6 surgeriess, the first one would be that night--they inserted a metal plate where my sternum would have been had it not shattered....

turned out to be 7 surgeriess, total-last one was last year, and i'm fine. alive, well, happy as a clam....no real harm..no real foul.

only side effects are that i can't sit in the rear passenger side of the car, i have trouble sleeping, scars from surgery, obviously, and i have this sick fear of trucks......

so that's it....

one of my wee little stories.