let me tell how we do in california..have you on the run just like a puma..feel the force and just flock to the epicenter of the bass tremor..C'MON!

alright....

so i fuckin lied....

but what the shit else am i supposed to do? my parents are driving me nuts, i'm sleeping on an old skool russian cot with mattress still *IN* the plastic, i have been dragged to EVERY mall in orange and los angeles county (...i get extremely car sick..and it was in a kia sedona van nonetheless) and i hate shopping just for the sake of something to do and not buying anything (although, the armani sweater i got is delish!)..

so here i be....taking advantage of the free wireless at my disposal, awaiting the rest of the house to slumber so i can drag my worn out ass to my plastic enveloped cot and make cool crackle sounds all night as i try to get comfortable..

total upside..got to spend three lovely nights with the dude (thanks for drivin man!), livin it up old skool style...and it is mighty fuckin weird how the same and how different this place is.....

also mighty fuckin weird how absolutely out of place i feel here now. but that....that is a whole other issue, and i'm way to butt ass tired and hot (seriously....the heat is on 70 in the house right now....and there's only so much i can take off when my family is around and has no shame in just walking into rooms and shit)

anyway.....

thus far my trip has been decent..but there's always something to bitch about..so here is my little three-days in a bitchfest run down:

1. cleveland airport security workers take their job very seriously...however, they just don't think shit through. i had two carry-on's and a purse. i showed my ticket, my id..and the bitch let me go into line to go through the x-ray tech "take your shoes off, even if they are flip flops, or we'll search EVERYTHING" line..when the woman starts screaming "m'am" as if that totally delineates which fucking woman in the entire line of about 20 people she is talking to...thankfully, she was a bit more specific and pointed at me. yes, it seems that the "two carry-on" only limit is non-negotioable in the johns hopkins airport de nazi. so i stop, turn around...tell her my purse goes into my tumi (legally, i should trademark that brand name, but..forgive me). "no, you have to do it now. you can only have two carry-on's on the plane, we can't let you go further with more than two".........."yea, i understand that, but i'm already in line and i'm going to have to take it out to put in the bin for the x-ray....i'll do it afterward"....."m'am! you are only allowed to carry-on items..step out of line and manage it down to two, or i'll have to call the fire marshall.." so, i shove my purse in my tumi bag...walk literally four steps....and take it out for the x-ray shit.....honestly..was all this "drama" necessary? did you feel all high and mighty, o queen of the x-ray line, flexing that obviously HUGE clout you have over who goes through and who doesn't by making me consolidate my bags for the all of four steps it took me to get to the xray machine, and de-consolidate? this middle finger's for you, twat!

2. my flight was at 7am. i understand that on flights, in general, people fall asleep.....i further understand that at 7am...it's pretty much guaranteed (unless you're me, and can't sleep unless lying down) that the person you are sitting next to will be passed-the-fuck-out. what i didn't ever...ever consider...and i'm really not sure why seeing as my faith in humanity and it's ability to be polite for the sake of a social setting has all but died....was that someone could go spelunking in their nose the entire fucking two hour flight....while passed-the-fuck-out.

3. how to fit into any state considered "west coast": wear sunglasses while indoors, wear skate apparel from only large corporate companies that sell their shit in a department store, if female-make sure your clothes are as skin tight as possible, or like a fuckin potato sack; if male--make sure your hair makes you look like you're going for that "shaggy dog" look, and combine the most metro fucking shirt you can find with the baggiest pair of jeans that show off just the band of your designer boxers. add clunky belt for good measure...and the most uncomforatble heels (if female) or skate shoes (both female and male)..and you are ready to blend in flawlessly into the west coast scene.

4. family is perhaps the most obnoxious thing in the world. add in the fact that they are russian and jewish....and family becomes this giant thorn in your ass that kind of becomes comfortingly unbareable. let this constant headache be a testament to the functional fucked-up-ed-ness of my family, and the love we have for each other.....and vodka.

5. i'm a fuckin pussy when it comes to small time changes. send me overseas and fuck up my clock by a good 15 hours, and i'm just fine. move me over a state and send me an hour back, and i just fall apart. this three hour time change is pretty much knocking me on my ass (not liket he plastic mattress is helping my cause here). so for those of you who have a bone to pick with me and don't want to engage in a verbal battle...i'd call and do it now (ie...the GG), because i'm pretty much at your level of stupidity right now...

as always..happy HNT y'all.



yes, i cropped my head off....yes, i'm clothed......and yes, this is probably one of the last times i'll partake in the HNT shwang for a while.....mostly because i don't want my boobies to get boring, and all my other assets suck donkey balls...so yea.....

alright. east coast ho OUT!

ps: murph..send me the candy cane wankus pic!