hello.
my name is elle.
and i am addicted to uppers and downers.
that's right. i intake ridiculous amounts of caffine on a bi-daily basis, and then after four days of doing this consistently, i take two ambien and crash for 8 hours.
upper....downer...repeat. (what? i couldn't do the clich lather, rinse repeat)
the funny thing is that i'm not really addicted to caffine. i can function perfectly fine without the extreme amounts of caffine...if i skip a day or two i don't even get a headache. example? the entire four days of thanksgiving i didn't intake anything caffinated, and i left my caffine pills at home...and i was fine and functional....
sleep though..well that's a whole different story. i've always had issues sleeping.....in fact...i was diagnosed with insomnia when i was the tender age of 15....although they (and by they i mean people who have a phd after their name and are psychologists..not to hate or anything, but i just can't take it that seriously...sorry) link that whole phenomenon to the rather life (and body) -altering car accident i was in when i was 14...(if you want more details on that..ask...)
so...without the caffine i'm still my hyper spazztic self, and no one can tell the difference between me normally and me all juiced up on the shit....which is, well, i guess kind of sad and odd.....
but...
i am in fact addicted to sleeping pills...
and how can i not be?!!
dear god! do you know how glorious it is to konk out for 8 or more hours and actually wake up feeling rested? without them i at most can sleep 4 hours and even then it's not a restful sleep. i stay lucid...to the point where i can control my dreams..but i'm technically "asleep". everytime i roll over or move, i wake myself up. everytime my cat or dog moves..i wake up....if the asshole upstairs decides to flush...i'm up.....and once i'm up...i'm up. i can lay in bed for a few hours, but i never fall back asleep..because the minute i'm up i start to freak out and think about all the shit i have to do that day/that week/that month...and then i think about all my shortcomings, how to improve myself...what i'll eat that day....basically my mind goes fuckin nuts (as it always does when i'm awale)
...but with a sleep pill? none of that. i don't even move. i don't even remember taking my before-bed shower or getting into bed....i just wake up at some glorious time..like 9am....and just feel absolutely giddy and overjoyed that i slept.
i feel rested..and refreshed...
it's fantastic.
so honestly...is it that bad? is it horrible that i can't sleep without some sort of a pill to help me?
cause, i'm not seeing why....
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4 comments:
It is not a bad thing!! I also have to take sleeping pills. I think they are a gift from God!!Truly,w/o them I would be insane and constantly thinking..Your body needs sleep and if you need to take something to get you there, so be it! Hope you are enjoying your weekend! Cheers...t
ps I hope everything regarding the car accident is ok...
i don't think there's crap wrong with them. you can't sleep you can't sleep.
i am curious about your accident and the physical repercussions...
i used to have a lot more trouble with sleep than i do now, i started getting more mindful exercise and doing things that required me to get out of my head. very helpful...
also got rid of a lot of my sources of stress... but you can't do that for a bit yet.
it would be better if you didn't need them to sleep, but I think it's better that you take then and DO get sleep. Sleep deprivation leads to craziness, and you're already nuts enough! LOL
I'm the opposite, kinda. I love the taste of coffee and tea ... but caffeine does nothing to keep me up. I can drink a pot of coffee and then go to bed.
and when I want to sleep ... boy do I zzzzzzzzzzzzz
similar thing happened to me after an accident back in '91, on top of not being able to sleep, had problems where I would relive the experience and wake up in a sweat, but with sleeping pills no problems! It slowly got better and after three years I no longer need them.......hope it gets better for you also.
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