never wanted you to see.......the screwed side of me that i keep locked inside of me so deep......i'm sorry for the way i am......

first and foremost let me just say "praise allah" for antibiotics. they make me more nauseated than watching steve-o do lines of wasabi, but dear fucking god, i can swallow again without writhing/cringing in pain. although, i was starting to fancy my make-shift spitoon...i have to admit.

anyway, i digress to my current state of ponderings (oh my!)....i haven't been very funny lately, huh? i know i started this thing out with a big bang of somewhat comical smut, but somewhere along the line things shifted and i turned into this pensive self-loathing cretin (what fun!)....and i'm sorry.

.....the bulk of my shift has to do with the whole "holy fuck i'm back in school, and these assholes i call my peers drive me up a fucking wall with their pretentious bullshit, but perhaps i should be pretentious because i'm in the same position as them and maybe i'm just going about things the wrong way...but...but...and.....shit". it's a fancy circumlocution of endless droning that just kind of makes me wonder if my mentality of seeing law school as just a means to a desired end, rather than as a life outlet, is kind of wrong. maybe i won't truly succeed until i, too, live and breath the essence that is law.....but that's the disconnect. i can't do it. i can't forgo other aspects of my life and make that devine transformation into a euphuistic ballsack because that's just not who i am. whether or not that translates into me being a shitty lawyer? well, that's the worry...and that is, as of now, to be determined i suppose....

......it also has to do with my return to isolationism. looking back on the year and a half i've spent in cleveland, it's strange. it's strange because i find myself feeling the same way i did in high school...which, coincidently, was a time in my life where i dabbled. not with drugs (though i did), not with sex....but with life. though 9 years of maturity have lead me towards a different path....(now i get random peircings instead of carve up my arm..but hey, it's still an updgrade)....the end result is still the same: i feel completely alone. i'm not one of those people who openly engages in how they feel or what's bothering them....it's pretty much killing me inside if i open up and say anything....but just the fact there's some kind of outlet....someone i can, if need be, just effuse my bromidic ruminations at....it makes everything seem...well, less singular....if that makes sense. i don't have that here. i don't have that person who, for lack of better phrasing, keeps me in check....and it makes this city into my own personal miasma.....

so....

i'm sorry...

i'm sorry if who i am has caviled with your perception of me.

i've never been one to let people down....but sometimes deluded conjectures about being honest with yourself and others win...

unfortunately, on this tiny speck of the internet i call my blog, the affluent is my casuistry