you're friendship is a fog...that disapears when the wind redirects...you, interested in you...interested in you....

well.

it's official. i have now been single for two years. two years of absolutely nothing wortwhile. for those who knew me back then, yea...we didn't break up until january, but, today is the day he flat out told me that he lied when he said he loved me.

what spurned this? i was looking through my cyberlaw notes from undergrad to see if i could find anything that would help with the amicus brief i'm writing for an IP case to the u.s. supreme court, and there, in my book.....was something i wrote, on that day, two years ago, today.

it wasn't sad. it wasn't hurt. it was more like an admittance of defeat to the whole situation. that boy put me through emotional hell, and i think after a year and a half of it, i was tired of it. this was the final straw. there, on paper, was my resolution to just get rid of him once and for all, see it for one sidedness that it was and move on........but nothing in life is that easy.

i think the crux of my defeat rested on the single fact that i never forced him to say those three delicate words to me. in fact, i flat out told him that i didn't feel the same way the first time he said it. in fact, i never even reciporcated the statement...but he persisted. and i, like the foolish little girl i am, believed him. why? because it was all i had. amidst him ignoring me, telling me i'm not good enough/smart enough/pretty enough, refusing to do anything for or with me, continually placing everyone and anything in front of me in the line of priority......those three words were the anchor in my tiny little heart that made me feel like everything i did for that boy wasn't a total waste.

but when those three worlds crumbled to nothingness, so to did me seeing any point. he spilled the beans, i told him to fuck off.....but then he called me back: crying, begging, pleading, explicating that things would change, that he would change......

he didn't. and in four months, just after the glory of 2 shitty years together, it was officially over.

i find it strange that on the exact day two years later i happened to find this. i find it strange that up until 4pm, i didn't even remember the date and i haven't even given him two seconds of thought. for those of you who think i'm not over him, trust me i have been for a long while....however, i'm not over how the escapades that transpired between us have affected me in the long run.

i shifted from the bleeding heart, to the callous hearted.

i often find myself staring expectantly in the mirror, but only find myself staring into the eyes of a little girl so scared of anything emotional, she hides from it.

here's to two years of feeling void. cheers.