tra...la.....fuckin......LA!

drunk blogging is never good. drunk blogging when you've only had 3 hours of sleep, no time for a nap, a long long evening at a bar, and a bowl full of home-made chinese food....is just a recipe for disaster.....

in any event, while at the bar, my friend trey said something rather interesting: "the only problem with marriage is knowing who it is you're supposed to marry." at first, it seemed pretty "duh", but then, as the alcohol started to flow, it started to coalesce into this mind expanding.....okay....rephrase......it coalesced into the mind numbing drone of the dating world and how i just don't seem to be fitting in it as of late. perhaps "not fitting in" is over exageratting.....rephrase, once again......a dating world i just don't seem to understand.

when did it get so complicated? when did delineations and nomenclature take on this omniprescent role in the world? now there are, respectively: hanging out, seeing, dating, dating exlusively, and boyfriend/girlfriend. you've got to be kidding me. what happend to just liking someone and going with it? what happened to giving someone a fair chance? it seems that today people have a multitude of possibilities they are dating...and, to me...that seems petty and unfair. i understand not everyone dates to find a meaningful relationship......i also understand that if you're honest about the dating situation...well..no harm no foul. but, how many people go out of their way to date someone they don't have a mild interest in?....outside of just sheer banging, that is.... how fair is it to compare that person to the magnitude of others you have, and to pass them up at any falter...because hey....the person i saw four nights ago wouldn't ever do something/say something/wear something/insert bullshit excuses people use to get rid of someone....like that.

on top of catagorically assfixing yourself to something, there's this bastard problem of never knowing what the other person is thinking. in the blunt, up front, open, and honest world we all want/hope/aspire to live in...not really an issue; however.....people feel this need to play games. people feel this need for companionship, no matter what the cost. fuck, some people are just too nice to say no and do things out of the supposed kindness of their hearts. absent any overt indication, it seems kind of foolish to put faith in anything these days when it comes to this bullshit.

and i guess that's what my problem is. i don't know when to believe in someone. i don't know what to think anymore. i'm kind of lost, and i'm not sure why or how i got here. i'm not bitter....even in the face of my seemingly baneful relationships, i'm not bitter...i understand that whatever happened in those relationships was partially my fault. i do, however, have a jaded and scornful skepticism about peoples motivations as a result of my scrumptious past that leaves me more scared of what a possibility may hold for me, than the fact the possibility exists. i look at things with the eyes of impending doom and see only the possible decay and not the possible ascendancy.

like now.....

great guy, makes me laugh, he's smart, and i feel completely comfortable around him......and before even knowing where things stand, i'm sitting here ready to dismiss him......mostly because i don't think i'm worth it.

"change your heart and look around you. change your heart, it will astound you. I need your loving like the sunshine...because everbody has to love sometime...."

guess i have to work on it.

maybe then i'll find my somtime.