i came home tuesday night, and the minute i turned on my phone i had four voicemails which were all from my best friend (in theory) ryan. he was calling to update me on the thrilling and invigorating experience known as bungee jumping. what a tard. keep in mind this is the guy who on each of the four times we planned on sky diving..completely pussied out, and i went alone. keep in mind that this is the guy who thought i was absolutely fucking crazy for cliff diving in hawaii and thought i was even more crazy for snowboarding on the backtrails of tahoe and learning how to do a backflip after getting some air. oh! and lest i forget! he thought i was an utter moron and uttered the infamous "for a smart person you do stupid shit" when, while we were in austria walking around, i decided to bungee jump off a bridge with this group called
"the jumping germans" (or something....it was europe, i was 17....and i was perma drunk!) who randomly go places, rig up, and jump. but i digress! congrats on growing a dick and once again claiming back your man-card ryan! enjoy! and i'm so proud of you doll!
Few points of ponderific funtasticism:
1. how much does jessica simpsons version of "these boots are made for walkin" blow? good god, she sounds like a whale being harpooned throughout the whole song. oh, and how fantastic is that oompa loompa tan?!
2. why the fuck would anyone, in their right mind, want to date-------*me*?
3. is it said that i am beyond ecstatic that NYC lost the bid for the olympics? i mean where the fuck did they plan on putting half the shit? and hello? traffic? like that fuckin city needs more people walking around all touristey-like. although, upside: muggers dream come true.
4. downside: at work; upside: momma can't reach me till 8:30pm when i go home. SHWING!
5. how cool would it be if you did, in fact, walk into a church and actually saw none other than: buddy christ?!
5(a). what if alanis was really god?
6. i repeat: are you doing kegels.....right now?
7. i recieved a letter yesterday explicating that, as a result of my unpaid speeding ticket, my license was suspended in the location of issue. so?! i have a california license, and right now i live in fucking new york...hahaha, i beat those donut eating pigs. i rock..AGAIN!
8. how fuckin awesome is mos def? (good song to download: common, "go")
9. we tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. but we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me
10. i'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, i bet you can really see it in those genitals
11. why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the scent virtually disappears?
12 comments:
1. she's to dumb to have a personality, and whatever personality she had has been scared away by the oompa loompa looking back at her in the mirror
2. when do you want your first payment?
3. bite me
4. you want my momma's number? she's hot man...no joke
5. you are buddy christ aren't you?
5a. if the crash test dummies are angels of death then jessica simpson is fuckin pergatory
6. you should. your orgasm will thank you
7. sexy and mugshot shouldn't be in the same sentence. that's like saying "wow look how awesome i look in my passport pic."...yea no
8. he's a good rapper punk
9. old people suck....and they smell.
10. heh.
11. made some jello for my doggy. it's her treat.
Oh, so you think you can quote Jack Handey uncredited and get away with it? Bad news, buster!
Man, he's funny.
2.Should model yourself after Jessica Simpson and get an oompa loompa tan. I'm sure she doesn't have a problem getting dates.
5. and he turned and asked you why you haven't been to church as often. No thanks i'll stick with the church of the holy sheets.
5a. That would explain some things about Canada.
9. What did the ancients do to you?
10. Yes, but can they see their own genitals. Poor Fat lady.
11 Only Bill Cosby knows.
she's hot cause she has giant fake, now-mishappen boobies. FINE, if you dig the dumb, blonde, elvin look..hey, more power to you. but at least my tits are REAL!
biting costs extra? okay..i'm thinking we got no deal now dude.
aww you want to talk to my mom? good luck understanding her accent man!
of course you can fuck in pergatory..what says "horny" more than flames bursting out of every orrifice of your body and suffering unbelievable pain for your sins?
my dog does get biscuits..but she loves jello..sugar free raspberry jello...so, i make it for her, freeze it, and then after her rompings outside...she gets a nice cool treat.
and yes. your kegel technique is ALL shades of fucked up and wrong. poor boy.
"On a traffic light, green means go, yellow means yield. But on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means...where the crap did you get that banana?!"
-Mitch Hedberg
I thought that was a nice random ass comment to add to this blog. it fits so nice dont you think?
Fucked-Up-Collar-Man: hey, i may have big tits, and i may be a ditz, and i may have some offshoot of redish brownish hair..but i got's da fuckin personality dawg. represent bitch! and i don't know how much you plan on charging me, but *points blatantly* with one of these, i can get as many of what you're pointing blatantly at as i want....
the dude: mmmmmmm taye diggs! and yea i give sof jello...i used to in the apartment too...lulu likes the hell-o as well!
dude! invite Taye to my office party!! he can be uhh....the centerpiece....mmmm taye digs *eats her chocolate* tee hee!
how is that skittish cat anyway? lulu has made a happy home atop my parents stove vent, which is a good 9 feet fromt he floor. how she gets there? god only knows
you're about two steps away from me doubling my price Murph
heh the dude...she does bat/bar mitzvahs. twists herself into one mean looking animal balloons. was hot. least i was turned on!
Upon your conviction that we kegel, I kegel-ed my heart out. Now come here and lick up my frosting bizzleteen! Good thing I got my dick back eh? By the way, nice touch mailing me an actual "man card"-I almost laughed. CUNT!
-Ry.
Is it...'who would want to date?' and then your answer is 'me'? Or is it..'who would want to date me?'
I'm sure you're not THAT bad...I guess....:P
it's who would want to date me. oh i am that bad! you have NO IDEA!
Damn da buttah is one sexy lil thang !! if you that bad i sure would love a crack at yea!
1979 old ? shit is 79 i was 8 and i still am not to old to please that Hottie ! someone get me some ice ! i'm melting
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