in the journey of relationships there comes a point where good old comfort rears its ugly little head and things shift from a state of courteous and wrought with manners to farting continuously.
let's just get one thing straight: it's not me doing all the farting. i'm not "allowed" to because i'm a girl. nope. it's all him...and yes, i do curse the stars repeatedly not for making him "the one," but for making "the one" the single most gas ridden man in the entire world. and please be forewarned, i have a brother and a father who, individually, can definitely hold their own if not reign supreme in a battle of the proverbial cutting of the cheese.
so, all of this has led me to come up with a theory upon the notable differences between male and female flatulence. simply put, the theory is as follows: if men were forced to comply with the decorum women must, men wouldn't be so apt to let 'er rip.
i suppose i should explain.
women, from a very young age, have it drilled into their heads that girls must act a certain way. what is that way? well, like girls....little, dainty, flowery, frilly human beings who are filled with sugar and spice and everything nice...blah blah blah. basically, from the moment we're potty trained we're taught that girls don't fart, girls don't shit, girls don't do anything disgusting...and for some reason boys are told just that on top of the fact that boys are disgusting, vile, creatures.
compare the differences between a group of guys living together and a group of chicks..and lets say each group is comprised of good friends who have lived with each other for two years. both groups are chilling out and lounging in their respective living rooms watching tv, there are no guests over, and it's just a traditional lazy sunday [chronicles of narnia!]. now let's say that one member of each group, dick and bobby joe sue, respectively, has got a case of some horrible fucking gas.
bobby joe sue will sit there, ass clenched, letting the gas build up in side of her until she can't hold it anymore. at that moment, she will get up...she will go to her designated bathroom [admit it, there is one bathroom you absolutely love and use as exclusively as possible], where she will then let loose...and, because as we all know a fart is simply the cry of a trapped terd, she will most likely have turned the faucet on. she will shit as quickly as possible, and will return to her spot in the living room as if nothing happened. if she, completely by accident, let one slip...the rest of the ovarian squad will glance at her with the infamous woman death-stare...or, they will act like nothing has happened at all, which really is worse than the death-stare because it just compels the air of embarrassment to thicken that much more.
dick will sit there and sound off like a machine gun. his ass will bear resemblance to a scene from any vietnam war film or documentary. he will revel in his stench, and his friends will laugh uncontrollably. he will then put his ass right in front of another guys face, and expel the most noxious and thunderous poot from his bunghole that has yet to occur, all the while laughing like a school girl.
i know i'm babbling on a bit and doing a huge circumlocution...but, see the difference? the penis-clad mongrels of the world grow up stewing in their own brew with nothing but minimal social constraints limiting the marination; whereas women develop what can only be described as the most toned and tight sphincters of the world.
if men were required to learn a little sphincter control and weren't constantly told that "boys will be boys" as they sit around and launch sensory grenades, perhaps, when the time came that they were around a woman and felt comfortable, they wouldn't drop ass without hesitation or apology only to say "it's natural."
it wouldn't be "natural" if i were to sit there and drop ass..no, that would rank up there with one of the most vile things he has ever experienced. nope...it's not natural for him to sit there and hold it so he can get bloated...it's not natural for him to take a gasx...and it's really not natural for him to get his ass up and walk to the bathroom, but it's natural for me to do all of the above, all because girls don't fart.
i demand we change these bastard social perceptions and rise up, oh women folk of the world and shirk this shroud of sugar and spice and everything nice...let us unite and fart with the freedom and lackadaisical frame of mind with which men do. let our gas finally be deemed equal!
or lets just stop letting them let go without a ball tap and an ass smack.
either, or...fine with me. and yes, i am well aware that i'm delirious from lack of sleep. very well aware.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
i'm giving up because i know everything sucks and this won't be the last time you'll hear me complain.
i just spent..well, more like wasted...over three hours yelling at some dumb fuck at another corporation that clearly doesn't seem to understand what and whom he is dealing with as far as the company i work for is concerned and clearly has no clue about how stubborn, bitchy, and all around shitty i really am...and he really doesn't give a fuck about any of that, why?
he's got a juris doctorate degree, a contractual draft, and the iq of the typical lawyer.
a strange thing happened when i graduated from law school...that strange thing being that i realized i'm way better at this than most people and, as my boss so generously pointed out, that fact rests gently on the shoulders of the simple fact that i don't think/speak/act like a lawyer.
law school basically swipes your hard drive of any inquisitive and distinguishing features you may have in your thought processes in an effort to teach you how to "think like a lawyer." they fill your head with the notion that attorneys serve a critical purpose to societies well being and without us the world as we know it would run itself into an anarchaic state of blah.
sure, laws are important, but in all the shpeels of self importance, in all the talks of the virtuousity of being an attorney, in all the lectures where in professors would spout of how much more intelligent and skilled lawyers are than those piddily common folk and therefore lawyers must always boil things down to layman's terms so those poor little common folk can understand the comlicated workings of what it is lawyers do....in all of that bullshit, no one really mentioned the fact that the need for lawyers is purely self created.
lawyers make laws which require lawyers to do certain things, and lawyers are the ones who enforce such laws. you may think it's the police, but all they are doing is ensuring that prosecutors and defense attorneys have jobs.
law school made lawyers out to be on the same level as a medical doctor, but the huge distinction between a lawyer and a doctor is that the need for doctors is created by forces wholly outside the medical field, and lawyers systematically create societies need for them. perhaps law schools should have professors hand out a yellow pages, flip through it to see how many fucking lawyers there are and, rather then sit there and say how wonderful and amazing lawyers are, say "if you don't want to be like them and have to take out an ad in a yellow pages, don't lose yourself and follow the herd."
i really think that if the entire profession would just get over themselves already and admit that they aren't the pinnacle of intelligence and an integral asset to society, the profession, as a whole, would go up a few notches in the respect meter. self respect is great, but there really does come a point when the only respect a profession has is self generated and that is just pathetic. you here that you self piteous attorneys? the legal profession is at a level of pathetic not even perez hilton has reached [yet]--at least he admits to garnishing his "fame" and "fortune" from belittling the very people who gave it to him, why can't you?
maybe then i wouldn't have to waste my time with dealing with douchebags that cling to their law degree and the sheep-like lawyer mentality rather than taking the dick out of his ass, using it to clean out his ears, and listening to the words coming out of my mouth.
he's got a juris doctorate degree, a contractual draft, and the iq of the typical lawyer.
a strange thing happened when i graduated from law school...that strange thing being that i realized i'm way better at this than most people and, as my boss so generously pointed out, that fact rests gently on the shoulders of the simple fact that i don't think/speak/act like a lawyer.
law school basically swipes your hard drive of any inquisitive and distinguishing features you may have in your thought processes in an effort to teach you how to "think like a lawyer." they fill your head with the notion that attorneys serve a critical purpose to societies well being and without us the world as we know it would run itself into an anarchaic state of blah.
sure, laws are important, but in all the shpeels of self importance, in all the talks of the virtuousity of being an attorney, in all the lectures where in professors would spout of how much more intelligent and skilled lawyers are than those piddily common folk and therefore lawyers must always boil things down to layman's terms so those poor little common folk can understand the comlicated workings of what it is lawyers do....in all of that bullshit, no one really mentioned the fact that the need for lawyers is purely self created.
lawyers make laws which require lawyers to do certain things, and lawyers are the ones who enforce such laws. you may think it's the police, but all they are doing is ensuring that prosecutors and defense attorneys have jobs.
law school made lawyers out to be on the same level as a medical doctor, but the huge distinction between a lawyer and a doctor is that the need for doctors is created by forces wholly outside the medical field, and lawyers systematically create societies need for them. perhaps law schools should have professors hand out a yellow pages, flip through it to see how many fucking lawyers there are and, rather then sit there and say how wonderful and amazing lawyers are, say "if you don't want to be like them and have to take out an ad in a yellow pages, don't lose yourself and follow the herd."
i really think that if the entire profession would just get over themselves already and admit that they aren't the pinnacle of intelligence and an integral asset to society, the profession, as a whole, would go up a few notches in the respect meter. self respect is great, but there really does come a point when the only respect a profession has is self generated and that is just pathetic. you here that you self piteous attorneys? the legal profession is at a level of pathetic not even perez hilton has reached [yet]--at least he admits to garnishing his "fame" and "fortune" from belittling the very people who gave it to him, why can't you?
maybe then i wouldn't have to waste my time with dealing with douchebags that cling to their law degree and the sheep-like lawyer mentality rather than taking the dick out of his ass, using it to clean out his ears, and listening to the words coming out of my mouth.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
maybe i'm to strong to let go, maybe i'm to weak to let it show, maybe i'm to stubborn to say no, whatever the case i can't take it no more
here's the deal: i'm not here, you never saw me.
we clear?
good.
it's not to say i'm not back, or here, or whatever...it's mostly just to say i'm here for the moment, and i know it's mostly to say...eh, fuck it. i'm sure no one even bothers to check this place out anymore..and quite understandably so...it died, like a tasty little flan in a cupboard....a flan with a creme fraiche and fruits on top....mmmm
pardon that slip. nothing makes you avoid putting anything into your mouth like wedding dress shopping. i look like jessica rabbit in most of them, it's really an amazing thing to see...really.
anyway, i guess i should provide some sort of update, huh? let's see: i moved to new jersey for a job...i'm getting married....and that about covers it.
i'm no closer to accepting myself, liking myself, or really even tolerating myself...and though i'm extremely happy [most of the time] in the love department, i'm pretty much the same old bitch who's comprised of two diametrically opposed personalities that's going absolutely bat shit crazy trying to figure out how to placate one side without driving the other side into a fit of rage and vice versa....now the only upside is that i have a dude that constantly points out how big of a spazz i am and is generally getting the shit end of the stick when one side isn't very happy.
lately, the portion of me that thrives on vagaries has been driving me nuts, and i have to admit fairly rightfully so: i have no outlets. none. i wake up at 4am, i work out, i work from 6:30am to 8pm, i come home, i eat dinner, and i go to sleep..and my weekends are pretty much occupied with trying to plan this bastard wedding and looking for a home to buy. pretty much everything i've done for the past few months has been methodical and real-world driven...there's nothing whimsical or fun about any of it. don't get me wrong, i have fun looking at houses and doing my job etc, but there's a point in all of those aforementioned activities where the humor and imagination stop because there's a huge wall of good-old reality obstructing the view of the other side.
point blank: the creative side of me is going ape shit for something..anything..that has no road blocks, that's void of rules and requirements, that has no necessity and purpose, that lets me do me in the most pure and unadulterated way possible.
the other thing is that i'm pretty much stuck in the sense the only people i have to talk to are my hubby-to-be, my family, and my co-workers...and obviously, there are just some things that you can't talk about to them, and let's face it..co-workers are in that category of people who exist in that realm of "need to know" with regard to what information they get about the ol' personal life.
it's not like i can sit down, look into his gorgeous blues and say "my day was good, but while i was driving to work this morning and stuck in traffic a song came on and i had this uncontrollable urge to cry because i'm petrified you're making a huge mistake in marrying me because i'm not sure you can make me happy or if i can ever really be happy."
sure, you should be able to talk to your partner about everything..but just cause you should be able to doesn't mean you really should exercise that option whenever the mood strikes you....and i'm fairly sure preying on the underlying insecurities of someone you love would justify abstaining and keeping your fucking mouth shut.
so, i suppose that brings me here. i've got no one but my family and my betrothed to talk to and interact with..and in a culmination of how completely and truly pathetic the social and creative workings of my life have become, i'm here.
for now.
we clear?
good.
it's not to say i'm not back, or here, or whatever...it's mostly just to say i'm here for the moment, and i know it's mostly to say...eh, fuck it. i'm sure no one even bothers to check this place out anymore..and quite understandably so...it died, like a tasty little flan in a cupboard....a flan with a creme fraiche and fruits on top....mmmm
pardon that slip. nothing makes you avoid putting anything into your mouth like wedding dress shopping. i look like jessica rabbit in most of them, it's really an amazing thing to see...really.
anyway, i guess i should provide some sort of update, huh? let's see: i moved to new jersey for a job...i'm getting married....and that about covers it.
i'm no closer to accepting myself, liking myself, or really even tolerating myself...and though i'm extremely happy [most of the time] in the love department, i'm pretty much the same old bitch who's comprised of two diametrically opposed personalities that's going absolutely bat shit crazy trying to figure out how to placate one side without driving the other side into a fit of rage and vice versa....now the only upside is that i have a dude that constantly points out how big of a spazz i am and is generally getting the shit end of the stick when one side isn't very happy.
lately, the portion of me that thrives on vagaries has been driving me nuts, and i have to admit fairly rightfully so: i have no outlets. none. i wake up at 4am, i work out, i work from 6:30am to 8pm, i come home, i eat dinner, and i go to sleep..and my weekends are pretty much occupied with trying to plan this bastard wedding and looking for a home to buy. pretty much everything i've done for the past few months has been methodical and real-world driven...there's nothing whimsical or fun about any of it. don't get me wrong, i have fun looking at houses and doing my job etc, but there's a point in all of those aforementioned activities where the humor and imagination stop because there's a huge wall of good-old reality obstructing the view of the other side.
point blank: the creative side of me is going ape shit for something..anything..that has no road blocks, that's void of rules and requirements, that has no necessity and purpose, that lets me do me in the most pure and unadulterated way possible.
the other thing is that i'm pretty much stuck in the sense the only people i have to talk to are my hubby-to-be, my family, and my co-workers...and obviously, there are just some things that you can't talk about to them, and let's face it..co-workers are in that category of people who exist in that realm of "need to know" with regard to what information they get about the ol' personal life.
it's not like i can sit down, look into his gorgeous blues and say "my day was good, but while i was driving to work this morning and stuck in traffic a song came on and i had this uncontrollable urge to cry because i'm petrified you're making a huge mistake in marrying me because i'm not sure you can make me happy or if i can ever really be happy."
sure, you should be able to talk to your partner about everything..but just cause you should be able to doesn't mean you really should exercise that option whenever the mood strikes you....and i'm fairly sure preying on the underlying insecurities of someone you love would justify abstaining and keeping your fucking mouth shut.
so, i suppose that brings me here. i've got no one but my family and my betrothed to talk to and interact with..and in a culmination of how completely and truly pathetic the social and creative workings of my life have become, i'm here.
for now.
Friday, May 11, 2007
good riddance, though i'm sorry to say
i thought i could continue to do this...but, the reality is that i can't.
it's not even that i can't...i just have no real desire to at all.
i have two shiny new degrees that tell the world i may just be successful, i have an intuition that has kicked shit into overdrive and is forcing me to pursue paths that i could only dream of in the past, and i have a boyfriend--yea, i said it--who i adore and really do love--yea, i said that too.
maybe i've grown out of blogging...maybe i've grown up...maybe i no longer need some virtual verification of my self worth...maybe i no longer need that that verification, period...maybe i'm actualizing my desire to shift my life from complacent onlooking to sprightly participation...maybe i just don't need this type of outlet anymore.
who the fuck cares.
i'm done with this.
i do want to thank all of you for being wonderful, supportive, and absolutely smashing specimens of humanity. i also want to say that should anything i have said in this little piece of shit on the web caused you to lose respect for or has caused you to think of me, the author, whom you know so little about, in a less than positive way...well? you can go fuck yourself.
and with that, i say:
it's been emotional.
it's not even that i can't...i just have no real desire to at all.
i have two shiny new degrees that tell the world i may just be successful, i have an intuition that has kicked shit into overdrive and is forcing me to pursue paths that i could only dream of in the past, and i have a boyfriend--yea, i said it--who i adore and really do love--yea, i said that too.
maybe i've grown out of blogging...maybe i've grown up...maybe i no longer need some virtual verification of my self worth...maybe i no longer need that that verification, period...maybe i'm actualizing my desire to shift my life from complacent onlooking to sprightly participation...maybe i just don't need this type of outlet anymore.
who the fuck cares.
i'm done with this.
i do want to thank all of you for being wonderful, supportive, and absolutely smashing specimens of humanity. i also want to say that should anything i have said in this little piece of shit on the web caused you to lose respect for or has caused you to think of me, the author, whom you know so little about, in a less than positive way...well? you can go fuck yourself.
and with that, i say:
it's been emotional.
Friday, May 04, 2007
a drop falls upon my face and the journey resembles a river utting a rock and that rock makes up my heart. i need someone to come help me.
1. [sarcasm] i love construction. love, love, love. [/sarcasm] not only is an entire half of a street ripped up for miles upon miles, but the result of that ripping has created none other than a mud pit that has made fucking the decree of the orange cones and fencing and walking straight through damn near impossible. to add to this awesomeness, they are now starting construction on the facade of my school which means the entire grassy area my dog [and all the dogs in my apartment building] use to shit and piss to their merry delight is now fenced off completely. it also makes it impossible for me to walk to class because they blocked off the only way to get from euclid to the law building with the aforementioned fence. now, instead of walking around just construction i get the joy of walking around the entire fucking building's construction and the biggest fuck-up cleveland's transportation department has yet to undertake to get to the library to enter the building, to climb six flights of stairs, to be able to access any class rooms. FANTASTIC! [sarcasm] construction=intelligence, for cereal y'all!! [/sarcasm]
2. nothing is more attractive than watching someone snot rocket. seriously. what could possibly beat watching someone shoot a stream of snot out of their nose because god forbid they use a tissue, or, wait 'til they can use a tissue to effectively clear their nasal cavity. the attractiveness is only amplified when the stream of snot being shot out of someones nostril lands right back on them.
3. apparently hating yourself enough to literally kill yourself with insane amounts of working out and limiting your amount of food intake drastically to loose enough weight to so that you're mildly okay with your body but not nearly okay enough to be comfortable with it does not go without it's consequences...well, other than, arguably, your health. somehow four chicks that "go" to my gym--conveniently the same four chicks who are coincidentally dating the guys i train with--asked me to help them loose weight. how i'm going to do this i really have no idea. it's not like i can go in there and say "look ladies...you have to basically do some form of a work out in every second of your spare time, and when you think of food..you have to find something to replace that urge all but two times a day...for me, it was smoking and gum chewing..for you? well, you decide." i may have to just completely back out of this "honor."
3. i'm okay with the fact i have take-home finals...i'm just not really understanding why we have to check out the test and have a set time frame to do them. why not just make it due the day that specific class was scheduled for a test? would make life a lot easier, no? not to mention giving us seventy-two hours from the time we pick up the exam to complete the exam is totally superfluous...i mean seriously, twenty-four hours is probably more than enough time. who does this shit before the last minute? honestly!
4. a new company has apparently bought the building i live in, which doesn't really matter much to me; however, they are going through every apartment in the building to assess undocumented damage etc...also, not a huge, huge deal...except for the fact i have an "illegal cat". say it with me: fuck.
5. speaking of the aforementioned "illegal cat"...she now has the premier kitty litter box. yes, that's right, she has the ultimate in kitty shitboxes: the cat genie. i have to admit, it's pretty bomb ass...and i've had to fight the urge to piss in it just for shits in giggles....the only problem is i had to turn the water pressure on the guest toilet all the way up and am now petrified to flush that toilet. to add insult to injury, my puppy--who happens to sleep in the guest shower [no, seriously..she sleeps in the actual shower]--is petrified of the machine when it runs. this shall be interesting...but at least my apartment will no longer have a hue of kitty litter stench. wahoooozie!
6. the lease on my beloved hailey--a 2004 civic ex--is up in august, which puts me in a position to beg my father to get me a new car...and yes, i'm well aware that makes me sound like a complete fucking brat but it's either he shells out cash to buy my civic [which i make the lease payments for, mind you], or he can help me lease another car. i love hailey, she's a fantastic car...but taking into consideration that i have a dog and that plowing it purely optional downtown--and conveniently an option they choose against--it would be nice to have a car that was better suited to the shitty city of cleve. i mean, honestly...it's not that i don't adore having my car stall every time she has to traverse more than two inches of snow...and it's certainly not that i don't love having sofie sitting next to me in the passenger seat all the while sticking her head out the sunroof, standing on my thighs so i can't see the fucking road, getting her snot all over the dashboard, and forcing me to do the soccer-mom arm every time i break and turn...it's just that..well? i don't love it. so, my sights are now set on the audi a3. i'm not crazy about how it looks...and i know it's not going to help my i-don't-want-to-ever-be-a-soccer-mom cause, but it's all wheel drive, has a trunk for strategic sofie placement purposes, comes in a six-speed manual, and is fairly reasonably priced. wish me luck, my beloved heschers, in my endeavor to convince my dad that nothing says "happy 25th birthday e! we love you" better than this car.
7. i have outright determined that living in my apartment is totally ridiculous. why? because there is no possible way for me to open my windows. aside from the fact that i can't open them because they have no screens, which means everything outside is now inside my apartment and my cat who remains inside will be outside my apartment, i can't even fucking open the goddamn windows to begin with. i'm serious...i physically can't open the bitches. i tried yesterday...numerous times...just to slightly crack them open to get a bit of a breeze in my apartment and it just wasn't fucking happening. so, while it is a perfect sixty degrees outside with a nice breeze...i'm sitting in my apartment with the air conditioning on. sucks balls.
8. for anyone who is interested in working out at home and still getting a fan-fuckin-tastic work-out, may i introduce to you ms. jari love. she's about as entertaining as a piece of toast, but the work out is awesome. it's circuit training, in a matter of speaking, and i was sweating my balls off after the first five minute interval. i've only done the work-out five times in the past two weeks, but i can see results and am definitely more toned. it's pretty fuckin' sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!
9. people always look at me like i'm a fucking freak when i casually say "i hate my birthday," and i really have no idea why. for starters...it's just a fucking day. that's it, another day in the year...so, what's the big deal? "ohh, it's the day you were born! it's your day!".....okay, and? it's not my day....it's other people's day to make about me, and that adds to my birthday loathing as well. last year my birthday present was getting side swiped by a semi truck, totalling my car, breaking my ribs, having to rent a car, and driving sixteen hours to spend three hours in the office....see what this years has in store for me, outside of another reminder of how disassociated i've become.
10. i'm not sure how, but ryan must have preyed on me in a moment of absolute weakness--and by weakness i mean drunkenness or being drugged up on benadryl/ambien/tylenol/marijuana--and somehow he convinced me to join match.com with him. eh, least i don't have to pay for it..but still, total waste of money on his part. anyway, they have a chemistry test you're required to take and i found it rather interesting because it does seem to suit me in a matter of speaking...not to mention it's totally flattering and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the side because i'm tired of feeling like the bad guy lately:
2. nothing is more attractive than watching someone snot rocket. seriously. what could possibly beat watching someone shoot a stream of snot out of their nose because god forbid they use a tissue, or, wait 'til they can use a tissue to effectively clear their nasal cavity. the attractiveness is only amplified when the stream of snot being shot out of someones nostril lands right back on them.
3. apparently hating yourself enough to literally kill yourself with insane amounts of working out and limiting your amount of food intake drastically to loose enough weight to so that you're mildly okay with your body but not nearly okay enough to be comfortable with it does not go without it's consequences...well, other than, arguably, your health. somehow four chicks that "go" to my gym--conveniently the same four chicks who are coincidentally dating the guys i train with--asked me to help them loose weight. how i'm going to do this i really have no idea. it's not like i can go in there and say "look ladies...you have to basically do some form of a work out in every second of your spare time, and when you think of food..you have to find something to replace that urge all but two times a day...for me, it was smoking and gum chewing..for you? well, you decide." i may have to just completely back out of this "honor."
3. i'm okay with the fact i have take-home finals...i'm just not really understanding why we have to check out the test and have a set time frame to do them. why not just make it due the day that specific class was scheduled for a test? would make life a lot easier, no? not to mention giving us seventy-two hours from the time we pick up the exam to complete the exam is totally superfluous...i mean seriously, twenty-four hours is probably more than enough time. who does this shit before the last minute? honestly!
4. a new company has apparently bought the building i live in, which doesn't really matter much to me; however, they are going through every apartment in the building to assess undocumented damage etc...also, not a huge, huge deal...except for the fact i have an "illegal cat". say it with me: fuck.
5. speaking of the aforementioned "illegal cat"...she now has the premier kitty litter box. yes, that's right, she has the ultimate in kitty shitboxes: the cat genie. i have to admit, it's pretty bomb ass...and i've had to fight the urge to piss in it just for shits in giggles....the only problem is i had to turn the water pressure on the guest toilet all the way up and am now petrified to flush that toilet. to add insult to injury, my puppy--who happens to sleep in the guest shower [no, seriously..she sleeps in the actual shower]--is petrified of the machine when it runs. this shall be interesting...but at least my apartment will no longer have a hue of kitty litter stench. wahoooozie!
6. the lease on my beloved hailey--a 2004 civic ex--is up in august, which puts me in a position to beg my father to get me a new car...and yes, i'm well aware that makes me sound like a complete fucking brat but it's either he shells out cash to buy my civic [which i make the lease payments for, mind you], or he can help me lease another car. i love hailey, she's a fantastic car...but taking into consideration that i have a dog and that plowing it purely optional downtown--and conveniently an option they choose against--it would be nice to have a car that was better suited to the shitty city of cleve. i mean, honestly...it's not that i don't adore having my car stall every time she has to traverse more than two inches of snow...and it's certainly not that i don't love having sofie sitting next to me in the passenger seat all the while sticking her head out the sunroof, standing on my thighs so i can't see the fucking road, getting her snot all over the dashboard, and forcing me to do the soccer-mom arm every time i break and turn...it's just that..well? i don't love it. so, my sights are now set on the audi a3. i'm not crazy about how it looks...and i know it's not going to help my i-don't-want-to-ever-be-a-soccer-mom cause, but it's all wheel drive, has a trunk for strategic sofie placement purposes, comes in a six-speed manual, and is fairly reasonably priced. wish me luck, my beloved heschers, in my endeavor to convince my dad that nothing says "happy 25th birthday e! we love you" better than this car.
7. i have outright determined that living in my apartment is totally ridiculous. why? because there is no possible way for me to open my windows. aside from the fact that i can't open them because they have no screens, which means everything outside is now inside my apartment and my cat who remains inside will be outside my apartment, i can't even fucking open the goddamn windows to begin with. i'm serious...i physically can't open the bitches. i tried yesterday...numerous times...just to slightly crack them open to get a bit of a breeze in my apartment and it just wasn't fucking happening. so, while it is a perfect sixty degrees outside with a nice breeze...i'm sitting in my apartment with the air conditioning on. sucks balls.
8. for anyone who is interested in working out at home and still getting a fan-fuckin-tastic work-out, may i introduce to you ms. jari love. she's about as entertaining as a piece of toast, but the work out is awesome. it's circuit training, in a matter of speaking, and i was sweating my balls off after the first five minute interval. i've only done the work-out five times in the past two weeks, but i can see results and am definitely more toned. it's pretty fuckin' sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!
9. people always look at me like i'm a fucking freak when i casually say "i hate my birthday," and i really have no idea why. for starters...it's just a fucking day. that's it, another day in the year...so, what's the big deal? "ohh, it's the day you were born! it's your day!".....okay, and? it's not my day....it's other people's day to make about me, and that adds to my birthday loathing as well. last year my birthday present was getting side swiped by a semi truck, totalling my car, breaking my ribs, having to rent a car, and driving sixteen hours to spend three hours in the office....see what this years has in store for me, outside of another reminder of how disassociated i've become.
10. i'm not sure how, but ryan must have preyed on me in a moment of absolute weakness--and by weakness i mean drunkenness or being drugged up on benadryl/ambien/tylenol/marijuana--and somehow he convinced me to join match.com with him. eh, least i don't have to pay for it..but still, total waste of money on his part. anyway, they have a chemistry test you're required to take and i found it rather interesting because it does seem to suit me in a matter of speaking...not to mention it's totally flattering and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the side because i'm tired of feeling like the bad guy lately:
have a good weekend guys.You are an EXPLORER/negotiator
You are a highly spontaneous person who always likes to try new things. Novel and unpredictable situations don't bother you; instead you find them challenging and exciting. You tend to be focused and resourceful and you are able to juggle a lot of projects at the same time; as a result you are sometimes a whirlwind of activity.
You have a firm grip on reality and enjoy living in the present tense. But you have a keen imagination that enables you to lift off from time and space to be remarkably creative.
You are humorous. You are able to laugh at yourself, and you like entertaining others.
You have a deep sense of compassion. You can show genuine insight into the needs of others; you are good at listening and talking; and you express a genuine desire to be helpful.
Yet you are easy-going. Your tolerance for others and their beliefs, your lack of prejudice, your ability to compromise and your occasional antics make you popular with others and a great companion.How Your Personality Breaks DownExplorer - 30% of your personality: Known for high energy, high creativity and spontaneity. Seeks novelty, risk, and pleasure. Intellectually curious and not easily swayed by opinion.
Builder- 21% of your personality: Usually very popular. Deep attachment to home and family. Clam demeanor and low anxiety. Often consistent, loyal and protective.
Negotiator- 26% of your personality: Excels at seeing the pig picture, long-term planning and consensus building. An intuitive thinker who is flexible, verbal and socially skilled. Imaginative, empathetic and nurturing.
Director- 21% of your personality: Daring, original, direct and inventive. A non conformist. Skilled at abstract thinking and short-term planning. Often assertive and quite competitive. Tough-minded and efficient.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
have i still got you to be my open door? have i still got you to cross my bridge in the storm? have i still got you to keep me warm?
it sometimes amazes me the way my family seems to work.
no, i don't mean the way my family and i always seem to be at diametrically opposed positions on completely antithetical spectrums....rather, i mean how things always seem to happen in rapid succession.
my grandmother [my momma's mom] died on december twenty-first in nineteen ninety-six after battling multiple myeloma for four years....which was exactly three years and nine months longer than any doctor gave her to live when she was diagnosed....meanwhile, exactly nine months later my other grandmother [my daddy's mom] decided that handicapped was no way to live, and neither was being completely unable to to do anything for yourself...so, using the chord of an iron she took it upon herself to do g-d's work. you can assume from there.
rather odd that things happened in such a way. nine months, and then next...you know?
what's more odd is that my grandfather [my daddy's dad] decided it was his time to go on february fourteenth and that no matter what the cost it was going to happen that day. unfortunately, that cost was my mother--who fought with him for the gun, and who my father literally had to scream at--over the phone no less--to leave my grandfather because he swore he'd shoot her so long as it meant he got to shoot himself....so, she left...and she got to see the whole thing, and my dad got to hear the whole thing. not cool.
for some reason i think my grandmother told him to do it and literally possessed him...otherwise they couldn't be together again...and i know that's crazy talk...but you never know. everything about the situation goes against the basic grain and personality of my grandfather and coincides perfectly with my grandmother...including the disregard for my own mother's life.
what can i say...i believe in spirits.
anyway, both my father's parents committed suicide and that's some crazy shit...but that's not what i find so odd. what i find inexplicably odd is that my other grandfather [my momma's daddy] passed away on april twenty-sixth.
that's each set of grandparent going immediately after the other...and that? that is odd.
my parents are now both orphans...and an entire generation is now absent in my family.
what's more strange is that i'm much more heartbroken over my mother's parents deaths than i am over my father's parents deaths...and i'm not sure if that has to do with the fact that i grew up with my mother's parents, or if it stems from the way that my father's parents decided to take their leave...but when i was fourteen and i had a dream with my grandmother looking extremely young but with empty eyes telling me to tell my mother that she's okay and that she is happy, and then woke up to my father telling me that we have to go to florida because grandma passed away...i was heartbroken.
it was the same heartbroken i felt last thursday when my brother told me that grandpa passed away.
i was my grandfather's favorite grandchild....hands down...he let everyone know....and that sentiment was completely mutual. i looked forward to every weekend when i would spend the night at their place...i would look forward to all the times he would come over and babysit me because my brother and parents were going out where little ones weren't allowed. i loved the times we spent deep sea fishing on his tiny boat and how proud he was of me for catching a fish...even if it was a fucking dog fish. and, if anything, i owe my greenish eyes and dark skin tone to my grandfather...thanks to him, i know i'm not the milkman's child.
i admired how proud he was, i respected his work ethic, i adored his ability to take absolutely nothing and build a masterpiece out of it, and i thank him for teaching me what conviction is.
sadly, i couldn't go to the funeral because, in a matter of speaking, when my grandmother died, he died...he moved back to latvia, and that's where he is and there's no way i can go on account of having finals [fucking school...always fucking up my life]...and it's been six years since i've seen him last.
it's hard not being able to say goodbye to someone properly, it's even more hard not to be able to pay your respects to them, but on saturday night i opened my eyes at five in the morning to see a women with long flowing hair that vaguely looked like my mother, and a man standing behind her.
i may have been dreaming, i may be schizophrenic....i may just be delusional...but for some reason i don't have to question who it was: it was my grandmother and grandfather coming to see me. they were happy, they were free....and more importantly, they were together.
i'm glad he went peacefully, i'm glad he wasn't in pain, and i'm glad he's finally happy again.
i always assumed that my grandparents would be at my wedding...that they would spoil the shit out of my own children...they they would be around forever.
i was wrong.
i just hope they know how much i love them.
no, i don't mean the way my family and i always seem to be at diametrically opposed positions on completely antithetical spectrums....rather, i mean how things always seem to happen in rapid succession.
my grandmother [my momma's mom] died on december twenty-first in nineteen ninety-six after battling multiple myeloma for four years....which was exactly three years and nine months longer than any doctor gave her to live when she was diagnosed....meanwhile, exactly nine months later my other grandmother [my daddy's mom] decided that handicapped was no way to live, and neither was being completely unable to to do anything for yourself...so, using the chord of an iron she took it upon herself to do g-d's work. you can assume from there.
rather odd that things happened in such a way. nine months, and then next...you know?
what's more odd is that my grandfather [my daddy's dad] decided it was his time to go on february fourteenth and that no matter what the cost it was going to happen that day. unfortunately, that cost was my mother--who fought with him for the gun, and who my father literally had to scream at--over the phone no less--to leave my grandfather because he swore he'd shoot her so long as it meant he got to shoot himself....so, she left...and she got to see the whole thing, and my dad got to hear the whole thing. not cool.
for some reason i think my grandmother told him to do it and literally possessed him...otherwise they couldn't be together again...and i know that's crazy talk...but you never know. everything about the situation goes against the basic grain and personality of my grandfather and coincides perfectly with my grandmother...including the disregard for my own mother's life.
what can i say...i believe in spirits.
anyway, both my father's parents committed suicide and that's some crazy shit...but that's not what i find so odd. what i find inexplicably odd is that my other grandfather [my momma's daddy] passed away on april twenty-sixth.
that's each set of grandparent going immediately after the other...and that? that is odd.
my parents are now both orphans...and an entire generation is now absent in my family.
what's more strange is that i'm much more heartbroken over my mother's parents deaths than i am over my father's parents deaths...and i'm not sure if that has to do with the fact that i grew up with my mother's parents, or if it stems from the way that my father's parents decided to take their leave...but when i was fourteen and i had a dream with my grandmother looking extremely young but with empty eyes telling me to tell my mother that she's okay and that she is happy, and then woke up to my father telling me that we have to go to florida because grandma passed away...i was heartbroken.
it was the same heartbroken i felt last thursday when my brother told me that grandpa passed away.
i was my grandfather's favorite grandchild....hands down...he let everyone know....and that sentiment was completely mutual. i looked forward to every weekend when i would spend the night at their place...i would look forward to all the times he would come over and babysit me because my brother and parents were going out where little ones weren't allowed. i loved the times we spent deep sea fishing on his tiny boat and how proud he was of me for catching a fish...even if it was a fucking dog fish. and, if anything, i owe my greenish eyes and dark skin tone to my grandfather...thanks to him, i know i'm not the milkman's child.
i admired how proud he was, i respected his work ethic, i adored his ability to take absolutely nothing and build a masterpiece out of it, and i thank him for teaching me what conviction is.
sadly, i couldn't go to the funeral because, in a matter of speaking, when my grandmother died, he died...he moved back to latvia, and that's where he is and there's no way i can go on account of having finals [fucking school...always fucking up my life]...and it's been six years since i've seen him last.
it's hard not being able to say goodbye to someone properly, it's even more hard not to be able to pay your respects to them, but on saturday night i opened my eyes at five in the morning to see a women with long flowing hair that vaguely looked like my mother, and a man standing behind her.
i may have been dreaming, i may be schizophrenic....i may just be delusional...but for some reason i don't have to question who it was: it was my grandmother and grandfather coming to see me. they were happy, they were free....and more importantly, they were together.
i'm glad he went peacefully, i'm glad he wasn't in pain, and i'm glad he's finally happy again.
i always assumed that my grandparents would be at my wedding...that they would spoil the shit out of my own children...they they would be around forever.
i was wrong.
i just hope they know how much i love them.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
'cos i'm a brat, and i know everything and i talk back, and i'm not listening to anything you say.
i'm a bit of a glutton for the mighty online quiz. we're not just talking online iq tests and personality tests, but also shit that tells you what percentage masterbator you are and actually rates your gaydar. thus, it comes as no real surprise that i joined okcupid...i mean it's free, there's tons of tests, and the worst thing that can happen is i get an e-mail from someone who isn't a total moron...which is wishful thinking to begin with.
anyway, i did get an e-mail from a guy who was moving to cleveland from los angeles...which is something that is vaguely familiar to me seeing as i pretty much made that same trek three years ago. we e-mailed back and forth a bit, chit chatted on instant messenger a bit, and no where in that time did i hide the fact that i was seeing boytoy, and no where in that time did i express the desire to go out and get my date-on with anyone other than boytoy.
that leads me to sometime last week when said guy, whom we shall now refer to as el-douch-o, and i were talking and he was teasing me about how i'm going to marry boy-toy and i expressed my uncertainty concerning boytoy and i making it much past the weekend...but never mentioned why, which was because we had hit a rough patch and i was at my wits end as to how to solve things without having an actual confrontation...because, for as fiesty and shitty as i am...i really do hate talking about my feelings and making people i care about feel less than fan-fuckin-tastic.
he pretty much shut me down, then followed up his desire for me not to "dump" on him with the completely casual phrase "well, you're a waste of time aren't you?"...so, i figured that was the end of our conversation, muttered "hah, asshole" under my breath and went on my merry way. no real loss on my part...it's not like i knew the guy in anyway, and it's not like i gave a shit if he talked to me or not.
but, there's always more. so, when i wake up on saturday and check my myspace e-mail there's a message sitting there from el-douche-o. goody goody gum drops! the e-mail read as follows:
riiiiiiight.
so, never one to not at least get a jab in, i e-mailed him back:
anyway, i did get an e-mail from a guy who was moving to cleveland from los angeles...which is something that is vaguely familiar to me seeing as i pretty much made that same trek three years ago. we e-mailed back and forth a bit, chit chatted on instant messenger a bit, and no where in that time did i hide the fact that i was seeing boytoy, and no where in that time did i express the desire to go out and get my date-on with anyone other than boytoy.
that leads me to sometime last week when said guy, whom we shall now refer to as el-douch-o, and i were talking and he was teasing me about how i'm going to marry boy-toy and i expressed my uncertainty concerning boytoy and i making it much past the weekend...but never mentioned why, which was because we had hit a rough patch and i was at my wits end as to how to solve things without having an actual confrontation...because, for as fiesty and shitty as i am...i really do hate talking about my feelings and making people i care about feel less than fan-fuckin-tastic.
he pretty much shut me down, then followed up his desire for me not to "dump" on him with the completely casual phrase "well, you're a waste of time aren't you?"...so, i figured that was the end of our conversation, muttered "hah, asshole" under my breath and went on my merry way. no real loss on my part...it's not like i knew the guy in anyway, and it's not like i gave a shit if he talked to me or not.
but, there's always more. so, when i wake up on saturday and check my myspace e-mail there's a message sitting there from el-douche-o. goody goody gum drops! the e-mail read as follows:
Elle,i read it and had the most confused and "what the fuck?"-ish face ever, according to my friend who was sitting next to me. i know i always go out of my way to e-mail someone an explanation for why i think they're a waste of time in my opinion, especially when i don't consider the loss mine in any which way.
Normally I would never do this but since you were (usually) nice to me and taught me a few things about CLE I will. Consider yourself lucky. You may learn something. I get the impression that you’re looking for a guy friend. The reason why girls befriend guys (that they haven’t fucked/had realtionships with) is that they don’t find them attractive. So to me that’s a waste of my time. I have other tail to chase. I don’t need a girl to cry on my shoulder and whine about her b/f problems to me. Especially since I’m normally that guy who other girls whine and cry to others about.
Anyway, you did seem vaguely interesting. Your looks are ok but your attitude and style interested me a whole lot more. Too bad. Might have been fun to go on a date with you. Nothing special mind you, just a normal date. Oh well. Your loss. Not mine really. Good luck and I hope someday you find happiness or whatever the hell it is you’re looking for. Later.
MG
riiiiiiight.
so, never one to not at least get a jab in, i e-mailed him back:
Mark,i swear...i'm a douchebag magnet.
Normally I wouldn't do this either but you seem disturbingly unaware of how things seem to work in a realistic sense. I consider myself lucky because I have four best friends--who are all male, mind you--who adore me, love me, and who are there for me no matter what and no matter where I find myself. I also have a wonderful family--so, in reality, I have no real reason to go out of my way to make a "male friend" so I have a shoulder to cry on--so, you were wrong on that count.
Now, you may learn something-so pay attention. I get the impression you think that simply conversing with someone in a purely internet forum entitles you to have some kind of date with the individual you're talking to, wholly disregarding the fact that the basis of any relationship--dating or not--is getting to know someone and judging from there. I'm sorry if you honestly thought you had a shot of getting something more than verbage from me, but I suppose that goes to your "waste of time" postulation about the entire situation. Obviously upon talking to you online I was supposed to make my life 3,000 miles away completely stop and sit around in eager anticipation for your arrival and our subsequent date. I'm also orry that at the ripe old age of twenty-nine you are still so fucking jaded that you can't see past your own insecurities and bullshit experiences to not simply pass someone off as a "waste of time" because you can't immediately hope into the saddle and get right to dating. I'm even more sorry that you honestly think you were being a big, kind-hearted person by going supposedly out of your way to e-mail me your bullshit excuse for the way things work in this world, and honestly thinking you could actually teach me something in that deleterious diatribe.
Wait, I take that back. You did teach me something-you're inconsiderate, selfish, washed out, and egotistical--all the things I absolutely loath in people. I didn't find you attractive, but at least I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt in every sense of the phrase, unlike you who cast me away as a waste of your time simply because I'm seeing someone at the moment.
I would wish you good luck in your journey to find someone who is enough of a dullard to put up with you, but it seems you've already found yourself and you're in love.
Don't bother replying.
-E
_________**UPDATE**__________
a "reply" e-mail from el-douche-o with the subject line: "Nice fuckign blog entry bitch"--which, no doubt, further proves that i'm the one with the issues, the insecurities, and the one who bears the loss.
haha!! i love it when people have no idea who i am and how i operate...i also love that he still manages to put himself up higher on a pedestal while trying to berrate me in some way that's wholly unknown to me. i'm sure he'll read this, seeing as he finds me a total waste of time and has no intention of ever talking to me again yet still reads my blog...so to him i shall say: you're truly pathetic..but, honestly? thanks for the laugh..i'm near tears over here. woo! i needed that.
Elle,
Oops I bothered. You really left me no choice. I always get the last jab. Hey I’m kind of sorry I hurt you. I might even feel kind of guilty about it. Obviously, it bothered you a lot since you FUCKING POSTED IT ON YOUR BLOG! Yes I’m a step above the retards and plankton you probably date or fuck. I’m smart and I’m cunning, much wiser than you could ever hope to be. Once again you’ve proved that lawyers aren’t necessarily wise.
I wasn’t trying to give you a bullshit excuse. I really did enjoy talking to you. You do have some awesome qualities that I really like but you’re also Jewish. I did learn something. Date one large breasted, neurotic, unstable, Russian/Jewish chick you’ve pretty much dated them all. You have so much in common with one of my ex’s I wouldn’t be surprised if you two were related. And I’ll be damned if make that fucking mistake again. Unlike you, I learn from my shitty relationships.
As far as insecurities go, I really don’t have any. Admittedly I’m bitter after living in flaky so cal for so damn long (Note: I lived in Orange County, not LA, bitch). But I’m hardly insecure. As far as your male friends go, don’t be so naïve. Guys are only interested in one thing and you should know quite well what that is. If you disagree with me try calling one of them, flirt, and ask if he’ll come over and pound you tonight. Most likely he’ll be ringing the doorbell before you hang up the phone. Anyway, I know I’m easy to talk to but it does get old when everyone brings/dumps all their problems on me.
You may joke about putting off your life for someone 3,000 miles away but my last serious g/f did just that. Might have worked out too. But I turned my back on her. Hmmm kind of like I did to you. Anyway, I do give you props for pissing me off in ways that only my ex-g/f’s have. You truly are one cold, evil Jewish/Russian bitch.
MG
haha!! i love it when people have no idea who i am and how i operate...i also love that he still manages to put himself up higher on a pedestal while trying to berrate me in some way that's wholly unknown to me. i'm sure he'll read this, seeing as he finds me a total waste of time and has no intention of ever talking to me again yet still reads my blog...so to him i shall say: you're truly pathetic..but, honestly? thanks for the laugh..i'm near tears over here. woo! i needed that.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
i'll be the switch he turns on, i'll be his too--i'll get off. i'll be the fuse that he blows, and even with the lights off we'll glow.
let's have a little discussion about embarrassing, shall we?
boytoy...whom i suppose i should refer to as my boyfriend but i'm not too keen on doing so and thus boytoy he shall remain...
right, so boytoy and i, we've been in a bit of a rough patch. it's to be expected when you have two people who are staunch commitment-phobes, and, of course, leave it to me to go for the guy who's never been in any form of a real relationship that's lasted past a few weeks...so, yes...i was expecting a bumpy road. said bumpy road came to a head on thursday night, and i think we're attempting to partake in what is dubbed the "smooth sailing" portion of our april. he will attempt to deviate slightly from the "i'll do what i want, when i want" ideology, and i got the verbage i needed that signaled to my little feeble female mind that this is a bit more than casual and some pretty fuckin sweet sex.
regardless, i agreed to help him build his boat's trailer on friday night...so, being the total fucking spineless fuck i am who constantly feels guilty for making people feel less than bomb-ass even when there was nothing really wrong with what happened/was done on my part... i decided it would be a great idea to do something special.
what was that something special, i hear you ask?
well! let me tell you.
it involved me, my louis vuitton raincoat, and a picnic basket of food.
yup. smart little me decided to wear nothing more than a raincoat and stilettos over to see him [sorry, but the idea of having sex on his desk was just too good to pass up, and i brought clothes to put on afterwards so i could get to painting and pneumatic tool operation], and bring him a tasty din-din.
not really a big deal, and i didn't think it was either...i thought it was a cute little thing to do...especially given the amount of "discussing" we've done in the past few weeks...so, i implemented my idea without thinking of any possible repercussions.
yup, i got blessed with a quaint little sobriety checkpoint on the way to his office...yup, my raincoat was barely covering my cooter up. [thank god i shaved..phew]..yup, the cop noticed that fact very quickly...and yup...my face was the most violent hue of red a human can turn.
i did pass the sobriety test with flying colors...and the cop winked at me with a sort of. psycho-stalker smirk and said "you have one very lucky boyfriend" before he let me pass...but jesus christ, talk about fucking embarassing.
thus, i advise you all: if you want to surprise your man/woman/it/thing with a little sumthin' sumthin and that sumthin' sumthin' requires you to have nothing more than a single layer of clothing separating you in all your nekkid glory from the rest of the world...be sure to check and make sure there are no mandatory police stops on your merry way, and if there are--eschew, eschew, eschew.
my silver lining, at least, is that we did it on his desk, in the office kitchen, on one of the warehouse work tables, and then again before bed. shaaaawing!
boytoy...whom i suppose i should refer to as my boyfriend but i'm not too keen on doing so and thus boytoy he shall remain...
right, so boytoy and i, we've been in a bit of a rough patch. it's to be expected when you have two people who are staunch commitment-phobes, and, of course, leave it to me to go for the guy who's never been in any form of a real relationship that's lasted past a few weeks...so, yes...i was expecting a bumpy road. said bumpy road came to a head on thursday night, and i think we're attempting to partake in what is dubbed the "smooth sailing" portion of our april. he will attempt to deviate slightly from the "i'll do what i want, when i want" ideology, and i got the verbage i needed that signaled to my little feeble female mind that this is a bit more than casual and some pretty fuckin sweet sex.
regardless, i agreed to help him build his boat's trailer on friday night...so, being the total fucking spineless fuck i am who constantly feels guilty for making people feel less than bomb-ass even when there was nothing really wrong with what happened/was done on my part... i decided it would be a great idea to do something special.
what was that something special, i hear you ask?
well! let me tell you.
it involved me, my louis vuitton raincoat, and a picnic basket of food.
yup. smart little me decided to wear nothing more than a raincoat and stilettos over to see him [sorry, but the idea of having sex on his desk was just too good to pass up, and i brought clothes to put on afterwards so i could get to painting and pneumatic tool operation], and bring him a tasty din-din.
not really a big deal, and i didn't think it was either...i thought it was a cute little thing to do...especially given the amount of "discussing" we've done in the past few weeks...so, i implemented my idea without thinking of any possible repercussions.
yup, i got blessed with a quaint little sobriety checkpoint on the way to his office...yup, my raincoat was barely covering my cooter up. [thank god i shaved..phew]..yup, the cop noticed that fact very quickly...and yup...my face was the most violent hue of red a human can turn.
i did pass the sobriety test with flying colors...and the cop winked at me with a sort of. psycho-stalker smirk and said "you have one very lucky boyfriend" before he let me pass...but jesus christ, talk about fucking embarassing.
thus, i advise you all: if you want to surprise your man/woman/it/thing with a little sumthin' sumthin and that sumthin' sumthin' requires you to have nothing more than a single layer of clothing separating you in all your nekkid glory from the rest of the world...be sure to check and make sure there are no mandatory police stops on your merry way, and if there are--eschew, eschew, eschew.
my silver lining, at least, is that we did it on his desk, in the office kitchen, on one of the warehouse work tables, and then again before bed. shaaaawing!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
i don't know why you always have to question my heart, and it's so much easier to stay far apart then get close just to be told i'm not good enough.
i had my first mental break down this past weekend and let me tell you it was a smashing good time. i cried, i wallowed, i flipped out, and i seriously think i freaked out the random spirit that i'm convinced lives in my apartment
hey, you may think i'm nuts...but i will get digustingly frigid at the most random times, and other people in my place have noticed the random freezes as well.
anyway, i held out for nearly twenty fives years, so i suppose that's rather good....and well? that's enough about that.
hey, you may think i'm nuts...but i will get digustingly frigid at the most random times, and other people in my place have noticed the random freezes as well.
anyway, i held out for nearly twenty fives years, so i suppose that's rather good....and well? that's enough about that.
enjoy my ugly mug courtesy of none other than a webcam. w00t.
might as well start scrap booking my complete fall from sanity, huh?
Saturday, April 14, 2007
love's strings have attached to me, but i'm not sure who i'm supposed to be when the puppet master's ignoring me and prasing you constantly.
i hate being unsure, i despise uncertainty, and yet here i am with both adjectives glaringly present in my day-to-day.
it would be magical if there was a crystal ball you could look into and have your entire life told to you. it would be surreal to waltz through life with the finer things in live being the only enigma. it would be fantastic if there was no guess work involved with this proverbial game of life.
it would be easy.
too easy.
so, instead, we get to sit and ponder, and plan, and become inherently involved with the intricate details of our life that pan out to be an absolute nonentity in the grand scheme of things, because just when you think you have shit figured out and you think things are going to go your way, a tempest of inconceivable proportions comes and knocks it all to fucking hell.
it kind of begs the question: what's the point of dreaming? why have aspirations? if the only thing that results is a broken heart, a bridled spirit, and a enigmatic explosion in the self defeat and self loathing sectors, why fucking bother?
there's so little variation, there's too many complications, there's so much desperation it's wafting and everything reeks of mephitic melancholy and hopelessness. it's to the point where the lulls between the storms just aren't long enough to let you forget, and the affliction becomes so commonplace that it's starting to feel like home.
home is where the heart is. my heart is a bleeding, unconsolable mess.
i lay each sleepless night and click my heels together in the hopes that maybe i'll find that one place that is like no place i've been...a place that's brilliant and scintillant. instead i roll over and stare at twenty-five years of static emotion that's packed so tight i think i'll explode, but instead i implode, destroy, and exhaust myself.
i'll never be what you want...i'll never be what i've convinced myself i want...i'll never be what i truly want...and it's killing me.
i don't deserve to be happy.
it would be magical if there was a crystal ball you could look into and have your entire life told to you. it would be surreal to waltz through life with the finer things in live being the only enigma. it would be fantastic if there was no guess work involved with this proverbial game of life.
it would be easy.
too easy.
so, instead, we get to sit and ponder, and plan, and become inherently involved with the intricate details of our life that pan out to be an absolute nonentity in the grand scheme of things, because just when you think you have shit figured out and you think things are going to go your way, a tempest of inconceivable proportions comes and knocks it all to fucking hell.
it kind of begs the question: what's the point of dreaming? why have aspirations? if the only thing that results is a broken heart, a bridled spirit, and a enigmatic explosion in the self defeat and self loathing sectors, why fucking bother?
there's so little variation, there's too many complications, there's so much desperation it's wafting and everything reeks of mephitic melancholy and hopelessness. it's to the point where the lulls between the storms just aren't long enough to let you forget, and the affliction becomes so commonplace that it's starting to feel like home.
home is where the heart is. my heart is a bleeding, unconsolable mess.
i lay each sleepless night and click my heels together in the hopes that maybe i'll find that one place that is like no place i've been...a place that's brilliant and scintillant. instead i roll over and stare at twenty-five years of static emotion that's packed so tight i think i'll explode, but instead i implode, destroy, and exhaust myself.
i'll never be what you want...i'll never be what i've convinced myself i want...i'll never be what i truly want...and it's killing me.
i don't deserve to be happy.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
in my dreams i'm dying all the time, then i wake to my kaleidascopic mind. i never meant to hurt you, i never meant to lie..but this is goodbye.
before we start...yes, i'm well aware that i'm sucking at this blogging thing. it's like riding a bike, i just need a few run arounds to get into the swing of things again.
that, and it's finals time...and it's also snowing. definately feels like april.
anyway...on with the proverbial show.
last weekend marked the first "fight" that the boy-i-am-dating-but-refuse-to-admit-it's-anything-serious-and-shall-hereafter-ever-be-called-boytoy had. i say "fight" because i'm really not much of a fighter when it comes to matters of my heart and/or feelings. i'd pretty much rather roll over and play dead than have to actually voice the goings-on in my head.
basically, i was rather pissed that he didn't talk to me all weekend. we never made definitive plans, but he was planning on spending the night saturday and, thus, i planned accordingly. he never called...and with regard to the plans we had on sunday, he said "well, i'll feel like shit if i don't go, but if i do go, it's only because i'll feel guilty for not going so i'm screwed either way."--can you say ouch? so fine, i did things on my own...left him alone. he called later sunday night, and made me talk.
he made me talk about what was bothering me, what he did wrong, and what he could do to fix it.
it turns out he just had a horrible day at work on saturday and didn't want to deal with anyone [read: me]...and i flat out told him to just tell me that in the future, rather than just not bother talking to me at all. if he wants alone time, i'm completely okay with that and more than understanding of that.
so fine. we achieved resolution...he will do me the justice of explaining why he will now ignore me, i will do him the justice of smiling, nodding, and not giving him shit over it.
righteous.
this brings me to last night. he came over, which is always cool with me. he watched the baseball game, i went to pick up sofie, i came back to make dinner, and he puts on golfing. c'mon now people...who the fuck actively watches golf? so, i said "there's no way in fuck i'm watching golf."...and he said "well you don't have to watch it. you're not watching it i am."
excuse me? you're sitting on my couch, in my apartment, watching my tv...and you're going to tell me what the fuck is going to be played on that tv? why the fuck did you come over if all you wanted to do is your own fucking thing?
did i say that? 'course not. i just shook my head and continued cooking...and let him choose whatever the fuck we watched and i did it with the greatest of indifference...which irked the shit out of him. complacency never worked so well.
then, later that night...after he got his, i got fairly close, and we both had a fairly good time...we started talking about the future.
we always talk about our future...and i'm sure most women would be ecstatic to hear them being factored into the dude's future, but i'm not a huge fan on it....mostly because it leads to me getting pissed off...because we're both stubborn but i'll be amenable to keep the peace.
i especially get pissy when he starts getting into how we'll raise our children. he's catholic, i'm jewish...he wants absolutely no religion...but we can celebrate channukah and christmas.....and when i bring up the possibility of having a brisk, or a bar/bat mitzvah...he gets huffy, and puffy. basically, it's an all or nothing thing with him....either we do all of the catholic and jewish shit...or we do none of it, and to me that's absolute bullshit.
but my thoughts on his take are neither here nor there, why? because we don't have kids...we aren't married...we haven't even been dating 6 months....or much over 2 months at that. why do we have to talk about it? why do we have to discuss it?
why do i have to sit there and figure out how to explain that i want to expose my children to judaism, not for the religious aspects of it, but because more than three-quarters of my family died for simply being jewish...not being religious or practicing. how do i tell him that their deaths seem in vain to me if i throw my hands up and say "okay" to throwing everything with a religious overtone outside of christmas and channukah completely out the window?
regardless..i'm dismissing most of my anger as the sum of being on the diet from hell for a week, the full moon, and ovulation and subsequent leaking.
but...why do we have to discuss it anyway?!
i swear, though...if he brings it up again i'm going to ball tap him.
that, and it's finals time...and it's also snowing. definately feels like april.
anyway...on with the proverbial show.
last weekend marked the first "fight" that the boy-i-am-dating-but-refuse-to-admit-it's-anything-serious-and-shall-hereafter-ever-be-called-boytoy had. i say "fight" because i'm really not much of a fighter when it comes to matters of my heart and/or feelings. i'd pretty much rather roll over and play dead than have to actually voice the goings-on in my head.
basically, i was rather pissed that he didn't talk to me all weekend. we never made definitive plans, but he was planning on spending the night saturday and, thus, i planned accordingly. he never called...and with regard to the plans we had on sunday, he said "well, i'll feel like shit if i don't go, but if i do go, it's only because i'll feel guilty for not going so i'm screwed either way."--can you say ouch? so fine, i did things on my own...left him alone. he called later sunday night, and made me talk.
he made me talk about what was bothering me, what he did wrong, and what he could do to fix it.
it turns out he just had a horrible day at work on saturday and didn't want to deal with anyone [read: me]...and i flat out told him to just tell me that in the future, rather than just not bother talking to me at all. if he wants alone time, i'm completely okay with that and more than understanding of that.
so fine. we achieved resolution...he will do me the justice of explaining why he will now ignore me, i will do him the justice of smiling, nodding, and not giving him shit over it.
righteous.
this brings me to last night. he came over, which is always cool with me. he watched the baseball game, i went to pick up sofie, i came back to make dinner, and he puts on golfing. c'mon now people...who the fuck actively watches golf? so, i said "there's no way in fuck i'm watching golf."...and he said "well you don't have to watch it. you're not watching it i am."
excuse me? you're sitting on my couch, in my apartment, watching my tv...and you're going to tell me what the fuck is going to be played on that tv? why the fuck did you come over if all you wanted to do is your own fucking thing?
did i say that? 'course not. i just shook my head and continued cooking...and let him choose whatever the fuck we watched and i did it with the greatest of indifference...which irked the shit out of him. complacency never worked so well.
then, later that night...after he got his, i got fairly close, and we both had a fairly good time...we started talking about the future.
we always talk about our future...and i'm sure most women would be ecstatic to hear them being factored into the dude's future, but i'm not a huge fan on it....mostly because it leads to me getting pissed off...because we're both stubborn but i'll be amenable to keep the peace.
i especially get pissy when he starts getting into how we'll raise our children. he's catholic, i'm jewish...he wants absolutely no religion...but we can celebrate channukah and christmas.....and when i bring up the possibility of having a brisk, or a bar/bat mitzvah...he gets huffy, and puffy. basically, it's an all or nothing thing with him....either we do all of the catholic and jewish shit...or we do none of it, and to me that's absolute bullshit.
but my thoughts on his take are neither here nor there, why? because we don't have kids...we aren't married...we haven't even been dating 6 months....or much over 2 months at that. why do we have to talk about it? why do we have to discuss it?
why do i have to sit there and figure out how to explain that i want to expose my children to judaism, not for the religious aspects of it, but because more than three-quarters of my family died for simply being jewish...not being religious or practicing. how do i tell him that their deaths seem in vain to me if i throw my hands up and say "okay" to throwing everything with a religious overtone outside of christmas and channukah completely out the window?
regardless..i'm dismissing most of my anger as the sum of being on the diet from hell for a week, the full moon, and ovulation and subsequent leaking.
but...why do we have to discuss it anyway?!
i swear, though...if he brings it up again i'm going to ball tap him.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
i'm in the court of the elite exposing my fleshy parts. maybe the king'n'queen of hearts will let me in their royal flush and the cards'll read my way
so, i've been gone for a few weeks...and it was a refreshing few weeks, let me tell you...not that blogging is something that i worry about or that i'm obligated to do...but, it was nice having one less thing on my plate to deal with.
and lets face it...we all sort of feel obligated to keep at it, no? okay...maybe it is just me.
regardless...here's a little update of what's been going on in my wee little shit-tastic life
1. i joined a band...and than i got kicked out of said band. perhaps saying "kicked out" is taking things a bit to far, seeing as the fuckers never even did me the courtesy of telling me i was out; rather, i wrote an e-mail explaining how it felt like they didn't want me in, and they never even bothered to speak to or negate that little feeling i had. can you feel the respect? i know i'm out because i asked for my pa system back and they told me when i could pick it up. i don't even care that i'm out per se...i mean, yea, it fucking sucks a big one...especially 'cause i have no fucking clue why i'm out, but i do care that people have such a lack of respect for others. it's not like i'm some random bitch, i actually spent two months hanging out with and working with these guys and i did put a lot of effort into writing what they wanted, even if i thought it was ghey as shit. o-well. off to the next project, right?
2. i actually am dating a guy right now. isn't that fucking shocking? yes, i too fear the apocalypse given that fact. regardless, i've been seeing him for a little over a month or so now..and things are going pretty well. he's by far the sweetest guy i've dated...which really isn't saying much come to think of it, but, a few examples are in order, right?
3. in addendum to how sweet he is, he's also the first guy to give me an orgasm...oh yes, my rubics-cube of a vagina has been solved. it's really simple...go figure.
4. march twenty-sixth marked the fourth year my dog has been existence, and the fourth year--for all intents and purposes--that i've been a proud puppino owner. i know understand what my parents mean when they say it seems like they just blinked and i was the lovable hedgehog-esque blogger half-ass-edly blogging before you. they just grow up so fast..*tear*
5. in an effort to be a good daughter, i've decided to do a diet with my momma, who coincidentally should lose weight before surgery...no big deal right? i try to burn seven-thousand calories a week to ensure that i, in theory, lose two pounds per week and can eat whatever the fuck i want whenever i want...and, that extreme amount of cardio is thus my habit. this diet only allows me to eat one thousand calories a day.....i foresee falling over in a blaze of sweet in my future.
6. i am on the cusp of becoming a full fledged lawyer [scary isn't it?], and i'm no closer to being okay with that conclusory fate. i know it makes no sense, i know i'm being a shithead, and i know that i'm nearly twenty-five years old and i'm still absolutely clueless about what i want to do with my life, and that just ain't right. moreover, i'm pretty much clueless about whether i'd be a good lawyer or not..but i suppose i shall find out.
7. continuing on with the academic, unbeknownst to me my masters program requires students to maintain a 3.3 average before they are put on academic probation...and guess which student got *gasp* two "B-"'s fall semester? imagine how absolutely pleasureful that phone call to my parents was? not only did i have no clue about that rule, but i had to tell them i was kicked out of the program for a semester. who's mommy and daddy's shitheaded child? oh yes, dats me...queen of the dee-dee-dee.
8. i am once again a proud apple owner. that's right, i took all the money i don't have and decided to buy a macbook...and before you get all "you can't be that poor if you can afford a macbook," let me just add that i bought it off craigslist from a guy who didn't want it anymore because the battery was wonky...so, for six hundred bucks and a new battery, i had a fairly new fifteen hundred smackaroo machine. okay. i'm done defending myself. anyway, mac's have this bomb ass program called garageband, and i am addicted to it. if you ever want to prove your musicial inability, this is the program for you! hey..just 'cause i'm hoplessly devoted to music doesn't mean i'm necessarily musically inclined or skilled at it.
9. this pretty much sums up my view of things lately:
1o. i finally went to israel. oh yes. FINALLY! only took a good eighteen years of begging my parents to let me go, them going for my birthday last year, and the few friends i had dropping off like flies leaving my schedule open for spring break. so, i went...i saw...i had the joy of seeing it snow in jerusalem and freezing my balls in none other than the middle east...and i fell in mother-fucking love, people. as soon as a certain someone who shall remain unnamed because i promised i would stop bitching at him to send me pictures *cough cough*, i will post pics of the most beautimous holy land.
and, it is thursday...so here's a crappy pic
and lets face it...we all sort of feel obligated to keep at it, no? okay...maybe it is just me.
regardless...here's a little update of what's been going on in my wee little shit-tastic life
1. i joined a band...and than i got kicked out of said band. perhaps saying "kicked out" is taking things a bit to far, seeing as the fuckers never even did me the courtesy of telling me i was out; rather, i wrote an e-mail explaining how it felt like they didn't want me in, and they never even bothered to speak to or negate that little feeling i had. can you feel the respect? i know i'm out because i asked for my pa system back and they told me when i could pick it up. i don't even care that i'm out per se...i mean, yea, it fucking sucks a big one...especially 'cause i have no fucking clue why i'm out, but i do care that people have such a lack of respect for others. it's not like i'm some random bitch, i actually spent two months hanging out with and working with these guys and i did put a lot of effort into writing what they wanted, even if i thought it was ghey as shit. o-well. off to the next project, right?
2. i actually am dating a guy right now. isn't that fucking shocking? yes, i too fear the apocalypse given that fact. regardless, i've been seeing him for a little over a month or so now..and things are going pretty well. he's by far the sweetest guy i've dated...which really isn't saying much come to think of it, but, a few examples are in order, right?
- the day my gramps died--circa valentines day for those playing at home--there happened to be a blizzard here in cleveland...and he and i were talking, i brought it up briefly, then changed the subject...and said how i'd kill for a pizza. much to my shock, a few hours later i got a phone call from him saying there's a box for me waiting outside downstairs. at first? i didn't buy it...but, curiosity always gets the best of me so down i went, outside i went in the blizzard, and there was a box with my name on it. in the box? a medium pizza with my toppings of choice, ice cream, my favorite candy bars, my beloved diet coke, and a bouquet of tulips--my favorite flower. considering i'd never met the guy at this point and we were talking for less than a week, my little tears of sorrow turned to tears of joy, because that is seriously the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. ever. let alone the first time i've ever gotten something on valentines day from a guy that isn't related to me. and i need to stop talking about it because i'm tearing up again
- i felt like shit a few weeks ago...and what did he do? he showed up at my door with half the counter of wallgreens. call me a cheeseball, but that's fucking sweet. he also brought over treats for sofie and lulu...[fyi-he fucking hates cats] so, that was also shocking to me
- i was passed the fuck out one morning, he was up. what did he do? he took sofie out for me. i'm serious...my face is still portraying the pure shock weeks later.
- i like to sleep with noise going on, so much to my surprise he picked me up from the airport and handed me a box. it was a sleep machine [with ipod hook up, woot!]...so, that rocked my socks off. what further rocked my socks off? i'm probably the only human being that completely passes out when she hears city sounds, so i, naturally, put the "city sounds" option on and pass-the-fuck-out. he couldn't sleep at all with the horns honking and subway sounds...but, he laid there the entire night and didn't once change it, wake me up, bitch, or moan. when he told me in the morning, i told him he should have changed it, or woken me up to change it...but he just looked at me and said "you were sleeping, that's all that matters." yea...it's vomitous, i know.
- we made dinner...he showed up at my door with, i shit you not, a field of tulips. i swear, it's like he raided a field before he came over...the bouquet was HUGE..i couldn't hold it one hand...i needed two vases for it. yea..i loved it =0)
i'd say that's enough nausea inducing smut for now. what happens when to rather anti-commitment people get together? guess i'm about to find out.
3. in addendum to how sweet he is, he's also the first guy to give me an orgasm...oh yes, my rubics-cube of a vagina has been solved. it's really simple...go figure.
4. march twenty-sixth marked the fourth year my dog has been existence, and the fourth year--for all intents and purposes--that i've been a proud puppino owner. i know understand what my parents mean when they say it seems like they just blinked and i was the lovable hedgehog-esque blogger half-ass-edly blogging before you. they just grow up so fast..*tear*
5. in an effort to be a good daughter, i've decided to do a diet with my momma, who coincidentally should lose weight before surgery...no big deal right? i try to burn seven-thousand calories a week to ensure that i, in theory, lose two pounds per week and can eat whatever the fuck i want whenever i want...and, that extreme amount of cardio is thus my habit. this diet only allows me to eat one thousand calories a day.....i foresee falling over in a blaze of sweet in my future.
6. i am on the cusp of becoming a full fledged lawyer [scary isn't it?], and i'm no closer to being okay with that conclusory fate. i know it makes no sense, i know i'm being a shithead, and i know that i'm nearly twenty-five years old and i'm still absolutely clueless about what i want to do with my life, and that just ain't right. moreover, i'm pretty much clueless about whether i'd be a good lawyer or not..but i suppose i shall find out.
7. continuing on with the academic, unbeknownst to me my masters program requires students to maintain a 3.3 average before they are put on academic probation...and guess which student got *gasp* two "B-"'s fall semester? imagine how absolutely pleasureful that phone call to my parents was? not only did i have no clue about that rule, but i had to tell them i was kicked out of the program for a semester. who's mommy and daddy's shitheaded child? oh yes, dats me...queen of the dee-dee-dee.
8. i am once again a proud apple owner. that's right, i took all the money i don't have and decided to buy a macbook...and before you get all "you can't be that poor if you can afford a macbook," let me just add that i bought it off craigslist from a guy who didn't want it anymore because the battery was wonky...so, for six hundred bucks and a new battery, i had a fairly new fifteen hundred smackaroo machine. okay. i'm done defending myself. anyway, mac's have this bomb ass program called garageband, and i am addicted to it. if you ever want to prove your musicial inability, this is the program for you! hey..just 'cause i'm hoplessly devoted to music doesn't mean i'm necessarily musically inclined or skilled at it.
9. this pretty much sums up my view of things lately:
1o. i finally went to israel. oh yes. FINALLY! only took a good eighteen years of begging my parents to let me go, them going for my birthday last year, and the few friends i had dropping off like flies leaving my schedule open for spring break. so, i went...i saw...i had the joy of seeing it snow in jerusalem and freezing my balls in none other than the middle east...and i fell in mother-fucking love, people. as soon as a certain someone who shall remain unnamed because i promised i would stop bitching at him to send me pictures *cough cough*, i will post pics of the most beautimous holy land.
and, it is thursday...so here's a crappy pic
eitan insists that the above exhibited outfit does not match...i see nothing wrong with dark brown pants, a very light orange tank top, and a black sweater. am i wrong? and wow, that is really not a flattering picture at all.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
when everyday the forecast calls for i hate myself again, i don't think there's much else to say except i'm begging for something to change.
my grandfather died tuesday night.
i'm not allowed to discuss the details of the whole situation and it's killing me. the details of the situation pretty much haunt me...
not as much as they haunt my mother, i'm sure. she may have been a nut case before, but after this she's bound to be a total basket case....and?
rightfully so.
my father i'm sure is too.
if i've talked to you during the past few days and i was less than courteous, sweet, or even have been a darker, more sadistic version of my naturally un-sunshine self...well, sorry. i'm trying really hard not to let things get the best of me and my overall mood, but i can only keep myself so busy...and the thoughts have a strange way of creeping up on me.
i'm going to take a break from this blogging thing, i think. this place went from being an outlet of my thoughts and general personality to a constant reminder of how i can't stand myself...and i don't want that. i think removing myself for a bit may bring back the original intent behind this little shithole on the net. i'll post...but not nearly as frequently...which isn't even that frequent at all.
i do love you all, cherish you all, and thank you all for all the help, strength, courage, advice, and general warm fuzzies you all have given me. i really do appreciate you guys.
if you'd like to keep in contact with me, the e-mail's over on the left...
if not...until the next time we meet in cyberland...
i love y'all.
i'm not allowed to discuss the details of the whole situation and it's killing me. the details of the situation pretty much haunt me...
not as much as they haunt my mother, i'm sure. she may have been a nut case before, but after this she's bound to be a total basket case....and?
rightfully so.
my father i'm sure is too.
if i've talked to you during the past few days and i was less than courteous, sweet, or even have been a darker, more sadistic version of my naturally un-sunshine self...well, sorry. i'm trying really hard not to let things get the best of me and my overall mood, but i can only keep myself so busy...and the thoughts have a strange way of creeping up on me.
i'm going to take a break from this blogging thing, i think. this place went from being an outlet of my thoughts and general personality to a constant reminder of how i can't stand myself...and i don't want that. i think removing myself for a bit may bring back the original intent behind this little shithole on the net. i'll post...but not nearly as frequently...which isn't even that frequent at all.
i do love you all, cherish you all, and thank you all for all the help, strength, courage, advice, and general warm fuzzies you all have given me. i really do appreciate you guys.
if you'd like to keep in contact with me, the e-mail's over on the left...
if not...until the next time we meet in cyberland...
i love y'all.
Monday, February 12, 2007
i'm so strung out on this mandolin of my self hate, and if i wrote down the words of my heart, would you still tear it apart?
i'm tired.
i'm disconsolate...i'm drowning in the sea of my own anathema...
i feel fatuous.
i'm disconsolate...i'm drowning in the sea of my own anathema...
i feel fatuous.
how do you know if you have good intuition or not?
how can you tell if it's your intuition screaming with each and every beat of your sinking heart or just the sick perverted voice of your underlying concupiscent pipe dream?when is it okay to put all of the chromatic, chimerical, vivid eggs into the basket of all your endeavors and escapades and abandon the surefire way to garnish the doleful look of acceptance in the eyes of the onlookers that you've struggled to catch a glimpse of for what seems like eternity?
twelve years is a long time to have your heart set on the same fucking thing, isn't it? you'd think eventually things would shift as the prowess of maturity and age progressed to shape your thoughts and aspirations enough to make those pesky teenage desires transform into something a bit less implausible and a bit more realistic and "real world."
do you know what it's like to want something so bad that it replaces the blood coursing in your veins? it's something you're so infatuated with that the possibility of it's nonoccurrence isn't a factor even in your most cogent of thoughts...not until someone wakes you from the narcosis of your opiate...your fantasy...your remedy.
what do you do when your intuition's supposed clairvoyance is screaming in your ears and the glitterati spectating the debacle of your existence demand selective hearing?what's left when all is written in the little black book of palpitation as "to be" and is discernably torn out, page-by-page, by everything, every factor, and everyone standing around you?
i'm decided...
i'm zealous...i'm floating on a cloud of my own percipience
i'm zealous...i'm floating on a cloud of my own percipience
i'm hopeful
this feeling will burn forever.
and so will i.
this feeling will burn forever.
and so will i.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
i'm running out of reasons, so here is the one thing i'm asking for: when you leave could you shut the door. i don't want to get hurt again or anymore
yea, i suck.
i totally forgot it was thursday. in fact, i have no concept of time at all lately...and i'm down in my tiny little hole and i'm thankful i was a swimmer...otherwise i'm not sure i'd stay afloat.
anyway...i'll babble more when i don't have to be at practice ten minutes ago [yes, that makes sense if you think about it] so...
umm
guess i'll share something that amuses the fuck out of me. ta dow:
alright...aside from the ghastly look i'm giving and how horrible i look without make-up on...pay close attention to the color of the shower curtain and the color of my hair.
you see that?
yea, they fucking match. my natural hair color matches the irridescent redish shower curtain...funtastic! and people wonder why i dye my hair almost religiously.
i totally forgot it was thursday. in fact, i have no concept of time at all lately...and i'm down in my tiny little hole and i'm thankful i was a swimmer...otherwise i'm not sure i'd stay afloat.
anyway...i'll babble more when i don't have to be at practice ten minutes ago [yes, that makes sense if you think about it] so...
umm
guess i'll share something that amuses the fuck out of me. ta dow:
alright...aside from the ghastly look i'm giving and how horrible i look without make-up on...pay close attention to the color of the shower curtain and the color of my hair.
you see that?
yea, they fucking match. my natural hair color matches the irridescent redish shower curtain...funtastic! and people wonder why i dye my hair almost religiously.
Monday, February 05, 2007
you're not strong enough to fix me, you're too weak to be my cure, oh darling it gets better-you're living your murder
i'm sure some of you are wondering what's going on with me..and honestly, it's not the most horrible of things...it's just one of those difficult things
basically my grandfather has liver failure, and he has for nearly the past twelve years and things are starting to reach critical, so-to-speak. they found a large tumor on his liver which is, coincidently, bleeding. so, basically, he's bleeding out...slowly but surely. he was in the icu all last week, and he was transferred to a more apt hospital a few days ago. he's not in pain or anything...and other than the fact he wants to go home, he's doing pretty well...
still, it's never good when reality smacks you across the face with something as banal and inherent as human frailty, the human condition, and the selfless yet selfish heartache associated with the inevitability of loss.
anyway, i wasn't sure if i'd be going to florida last week or not, especially since my brother said my grandfather has a month left...and i'm not sure when i will have to make the trek down there to see him prior to receiving another education on mortality...so, i'm pretty much laying low and finishing up all my work immediately after i get it.
in somewhat good news, he seems like he's ready to be reunited with my grandmother...in his own words.."it's time."
anyway..onto something a tad bit more uplifting...like say...ohh, i don't know...yea i really have nothing. i have to be up at the ass crack of dawn so i can go to court and contest a ticket i never got at eight in the fucking morning. lets hope i'm home in time to go to the gym. my fat ass could use it.
before i go though...i'd like to say YAY COLTS! and let y'all know that i want this car:
basically my grandfather has liver failure, and he has for nearly the past twelve years and things are starting to reach critical, so-to-speak. they found a large tumor on his liver which is, coincidently, bleeding. so, basically, he's bleeding out...slowly but surely. he was in the icu all last week, and he was transferred to a more apt hospital a few days ago. he's not in pain or anything...and other than the fact he wants to go home, he's doing pretty well...
still, it's never good when reality smacks you across the face with something as banal and inherent as human frailty, the human condition, and the selfless yet selfish heartache associated with the inevitability of loss.
anyway, i wasn't sure if i'd be going to florida last week or not, especially since my brother said my grandfather has a month left...and i'm not sure when i will have to make the trek down there to see him prior to receiving another education on mortality...so, i'm pretty much laying low and finishing up all my work immediately after i get it.
in somewhat good news, he seems like he's ready to be reunited with my grandmother...in his own words.."it's time."
anyway..onto something a tad bit more uplifting...like say...ohh, i don't know...yea i really have nothing. i have to be up at the ass crack of dawn so i can go to court and contest a ticket i never got at eight in the fucking morning. lets hope i'm home in time to go to the gym. my fat ass could use it.
before i go though...i'd like to say YAY COLTS! and let y'all know that i want this car:
Monday, January 29, 2007
there were few words between us, but i knew you'd always be there for me. i need to let go and i need to let you become one of my fondest memories.
all is not well in the little land of e, so on account of a big family emergency/fiasco/crisis, i'm going to be mia all week.
figured i'd let y'all know so no one worries...not that anyone would, but...yea. okay.
have a good one y'all.
figured i'd let y'all know so no one worries...not that anyone would, but...yea. okay.
have a good one y'all.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
i'm stuck on this island called "my anathema" and no one knows to help rescue me. i'm existing in my mind as the waves of the past suffocate me.
i have this mysterious fucking way of completely fucking myself over in ways that i have no control over in any way shape or form.
before i got into any of that, let me just get a few things off my chest:
in this week's addition, we have none other than me playing the part of the bad ass mother fucking protagonist and "the man" playing the dick sucking antagonist.
circa my birthday last year i lost my califronia license...naturally, that's a pretty big deal; however, my license was expiring on my actual birthday so i figured there was no point in calling california and getting all that shit straightened out on account of getting an ohio license in a few days. so, on may 30th i got an ohio license...funtastic. just what i need...verification and codification of the fact i do, in fact, live here.
regardless, unbeknownst to me, on that same day in a city that will live in infamy within the preface of all things falling under the category of "fuck that place," i got a speeding ticket in a ford. naturally, i never paid that ticket...i didn't know i got it, and i never got anything in the mail saying i had a ticket of any kind. nothing. i got nothing to that effect.
not. a. fucking. thing.
so imagine my complete and utter shock at three in the morning this past tuesday when i got pulled over for an illegal u-turn at a stop sign....which for the record, i'm not sure why a stop sign would still be controlling half way up a street, but that's neither here nor there...and after what seemed like a lifetime of sitting in my car with the unecessary beacon light shining in my car blinding the fuck out of me, the cop approached my car and said "are you aware you have a warrant out? now why would a girl like you have a warrant out?" to which i sat there probably doing the most dead on impression of a deer-in-headlights possible all the while looking completely mortified and totally aghast. the cop continued to look at me and say "well, you're too cute to have a warrant out so i suggest you figure this out. i'm not going to book you."
total aside before i continue: is there a reason why everytime i've gotten pulled over in this shithole state i've gotten hit on, in a matter of speaking, by the cop? are they that desperate?
so, i call to figure out what is going on with this whole warrant situation...which is coincidently when i found out there's a speeding ticket in my name received on the same exact day i got the codification of ohian status in a ford f150, and while talking to the [sarcasm] oh-so-fucking pleasant [/sarcasm] receptionist at the court i asked how to go about clearing it up. the procedure is as follows:
so, now i have to find someone to pick me up and drive me to the police station so i can do steps one through six...and i realize, that also doesn't seem like a big deal; however, you're not taking into consideration the hours of operation...which, if you're wondering are monday through friday nine in the morning to three-thirty in the afternoon.
anyone with a job is pretty much occupied during those hours, and anyone in school is also pretty much occupied at that time. and anyone who is wondering, yes..i am proper fucked.
"but what about going to court and proving it wasn't you?" i hear you ask. ahh, my little butterflies...that isn't possible, for you see the way the system works is that if they send out letters and they are not returned, then they are assumed to have been received; therefore, i cannot use the argument that i never received anything documenting my receiving a ticket. moreover, i can't say that it wasn't me on account of the fact the cars don't match up...afterall, i could have been driving someone elses car, right? my only plausible course of action that won't require me relying solely on circumstantial, speculative, my-word-v.-the-record evidence and having to hire a lawyer is to plead no contest.
i'd like to say that our protagonist is going to live happily ever after, but we'll have to see what the antagonist is working with first.
before i got into any of that, let me just get a few things off my chest:
- would it fucking kill downtown to actually, oh i don't know, plow the fucking streets? i realize that plowing snow off the road is a lot to ask for--afterall, the shit melts after a while, right?-- so i'll settle for some salt action..just do something so i'm not playing a continual game of chicken with everyone on the road and praying to me-mother mary-and-joseph that my a-b-s breaks are enough to make me stop as needed.
- ever sit there, lying in bed, at four in the morning...staring up at your ceiling with only one thought in your head: what in the fuck could they possibly be doing up there to make so much goddamn fucking noise? the fucking building is cement...they've got to be playing fucking basketball up there or something for me to hear it so fuckin clearly.
- going along with the "what the fuck are they doing vibe?", i'm going to say this as nicely as i can: dearest shithead[s] who live upstairs--pick up your fucking feet when you walk....unless of course you're actually the weight of an elephant, in which case...well? well done and carry on.
- first, let me admit that i still wear uggs...but before you berate me on this lovely fact, just know i never wear them with a skirt nor do i ever tuck my pants in them...basically, i only wear them if it's ensured that ninety-five percent of them are covered...anyway, would it fucking kill them to maybe, and i know this is far fetched, put traction on their winter boots?! i might as well be wearing ice skates lately because doing anything but sliding around is guaranteed to land me on my ass.
- is it necessary to waste my tax dollars to keep putting up an orange plastic fencing between barrels when in reality the construction comes no where near that area of the road/sidewalk and people continually break that area of fencing down anyway? and is it absolutely necessary to honk your horn at me while i crawl underneath said fence as i walk to class, because it's snowing and it's cold and walking straight across the street just seems like the more logical course of action over walking three blocks north and two blocks south? you're sitting in your car honking, obviously you aren't constructing..back the shit off.
ninety-nine problems and for once
this bitch ain't caused one.
this bitch ain't caused one.
in this week's addition, we have none other than me playing the part of the bad ass mother fucking protagonist and "the man" playing the dick sucking antagonist.
circa my birthday last year i lost my califronia license...naturally, that's a pretty big deal; however, my license was expiring on my actual birthday so i figured there was no point in calling california and getting all that shit straightened out on account of getting an ohio license in a few days. so, on may 30th i got an ohio license...funtastic. just what i need...verification and codification of the fact i do, in fact, live here.
regardless, unbeknownst to me, on that same day in a city that will live in infamy within the preface of all things falling under the category of "fuck that place," i got a speeding ticket in a ford. naturally, i never paid that ticket...i didn't know i got it, and i never got anything in the mail saying i had a ticket of any kind. nothing. i got nothing to that effect.
not. a. fucking. thing.
so imagine my complete and utter shock at three in the morning this past tuesday when i got pulled over for an illegal u-turn at a stop sign....which for the record, i'm not sure why a stop sign would still be controlling half way up a street, but that's neither here nor there...and after what seemed like a lifetime of sitting in my car with the unecessary beacon light shining in my car blinding the fuck out of me, the cop approached my car and said "are you aware you have a warrant out? now why would a girl like you have a warrant out?" to which i sat there probably doing the most dead on impression of a deer-in-headlights possible all the while looking completely mortified and totally aghast. the cop continued to look at me and say "well, you're too cute to have a warrant out so i suggest you figure this out. i'm not going to book you."
total aside before i continue: is there a reason why everytime i've gotten pulled over in this shithole state i've gotten hit on, in a matter of speaking, by the cop? are they that desperate?
so, i call to figure out what is going on with this whole warrant situation...which is coincidently when i found out there's a speeding ticket in my name received on the same exact day i got the codification of ohian status in a ford f150, and while talking to the [sarcasm] oh-so-fucking pleasant [/sarcasm] receptionist at the court i asked how to go about clearing it up. the procedure is as follows:
- go to atm machine, take out two hundred and fifty dollars in cash
- go to the township police department and explain the situation
- get finger printed and get a mug shot taken
- pay the two hundred and fifty dollar bail
- receive a court date
- go on your merry fucking way
so, now i have to find someone to pick me up and drive me to the police station so i can do steps one through six...and i realize, that also doesn't seem like a big deal; however, you're not taking into consideration the hours of operation...which, if you're wondering are monday through friday nine in the morning to three-thirty in the afternoon.
anyone with a job is pretty much occupied during those hours, and anyone in school is also pretty much occupied at that time. and anyone who is wondering, yes..i am proper fucked.
"but what about going to court and proving it wasn't you?" i hear you ask. ahh, my little butterflies...that isn't possible, for you see the way the system works is that if they send out letters and they are not returned, then they are assumed to have been received; therefore, i cannot use the argument that i never received anything documenting my receiving a ticket. moreover, i can't say that it wasn't me on account of the fact the cars don't match up...afterall, i could have been driving someone elses car, right? my only plausible course of action that won't require me relying solely on circumstantial, speculative, my-word-v.-the-record evidence and having to hire a lawyer is to plead no contest.
i'd like to say that our protagonist is going to live happily ever after, but we'll have to see what the antagonist is working with first.
the end
_______________________________________
_______________________________________
anyway...
*
*dear-in-headlights style gaze? check.
mug shot appeal? check.
what the fuck wrinkle exposed? check.
chewing on left cheek and
biting lefr portion of lip
all signs e is scared out of her mind? check.
mug shot appeal? check.
what the fuck wrinkle exposed? check.
chewing on left cheek and
biting lefr portion of lip
all signs e is scared out of her mind? check.
book me bitches...i'm gonna be a star.
*never take extremely low resolution picture, you wind up looking a manequin.
Monday, January 22, 2007
when you feel your arms wrapped around you, you'll think of me and wish that it was me choking you instead.
a new year, a new position in time, a new outlook
--afterall, 2006 was abso-fuckin-lutely terrible--
--afterall, 2006 was abso-fuckin-lutely terrible--
"a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. "
"the family is a haven in the heartless world"people, as i'm sure i've reiterated more than enough times, never cease to amaze me.
sometimes it's the type of amaze that leaves me shaking my head with a goofy grin on my face and the simple words "you fucking idiot" ringing in my ears. othertimes, it's the type of amaze that makes me want to crawl further into myself and not deal with people at all.
this time around, it's the "retreat! run the fuck away!" type of amaze. i'd rather not go into the details of the entire fucking shebang--and there are reasons for my decision which extend to the fact that a few people may know the individual.
regardless, i'm not dwelling on the acrid actuality of it all...rather, i'm delighted that for the first time in my life i'm not only brutally aware of the fact that friendship entails effort on the part of both participants..and not half assed effort, but a paralleled and almost equal level of effort...but that i'm actually allowing that fact to rule my actions.
no more running after so-called "friends," no more making sure i'm somehow involved and aware of what goes on in their life, no more going out of my way to make sure i see them when and if possible, and no more fooling myself into thinking i can count on people simply because i know they count on me.
i'm no longer in the business of self sacraficing and being constantly available to those individuals who like to dubb themselves "my friend" but will never ever reciprocate the no-holds-bar attitude that forms the foundation of a true friendship.
i sometimes paint my family into an aweful corner with a paintbrush wrought with my constant failures to live up to expectation and my apparently endless disappointments."self is the only prison that can ever bind the soul"
that's not very fair.
i absolutely adore my family, and i make no attempts to hide that. my family also drives me up a fucking wall, and, once again, i don't really hide that. yet, what i'm guilty of allowing my thoughts to wreak havoc upon that stems from their overall intention to ensure my well being, prosperity, and overall success via the avenue of seemingly turning my life into a game of risk-copulates-with-stratego, isn't necessarily worth me proverbially going off on them...in text...on the world wide web.
resenting your family is normal...resenting your family in the most clandenstine way possible is just fucking stupid. thus? no more. if i can't open my mouth about it to them, i can't bitch and moan about it in any other medium.
hopefully this will force me to expres my thoughts to them...or, i'll just repress it. whichever i'm strangely fine with.
i think i may hold the title for queen of existing within the confines of my own little mind. i refrain from doing a lot of things simply because...of, well? me.
i need to stop being my own worst enemy, as cliche as that is to say. i also need to stop making myself completely miserable by letting all my insecurities flourish and refusing to stray too far from the image i think i should portray.
i'd say on the cusp of twenty-five, it's time to start peering out from behind my own protective ways...and commence deconstructing this picture i'm seemingly stuck in.
i don't think i'm ready to go drop out of law school, give my parents a heart attack and the proverbial finger, and go off and figure my shit out while i snowboard and smoke pot for a while...but i'm taking baby steps to expanding my horizons and expanding other avenues of possibility.
i'm taking the band thing much more seriously, i'm taking a few web design classes on the side, i'm working out like a mad woman so i can finally get to where i want to be, and i'm trying to be less asocial.
see what else i can muster up.
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