in the journey of relationships there comes a point where good old comfort rears its ugly little head and things shift from a state of courteous and wrought with manners to farting continuously.
let's just get one thing straight: it's not me doing all the farting. i'm not "allowed" to because i'm a girl. nope. it's all him...and yes, i do curse the stars repeatedly not for making him "the one," but for making "the one" the single most gas ridden man in the entire world. and please be forewarned, i have a brother and a father who, individually, can definitely hold their own if not reign supreme in a battle of the proverbial cutting of the cheese.
so, all of this has led me to come up with a theory upon the notable differences between male and female flatulence. simply put, the theory is as follows: if men were forced to comply with the decorum women must, men wouldn't be so apt to let 'er rip.
i suppose i should explain.
women, from a very young age, have it drilled into their heads that girls must act a certain way. what is that way? well, like girls....little, dainty, flowery, frilly human beings who are filled with sugar and spice and everything nice...blah blah blah. basically, from the moment we're potty trained we're taught that girls don't fart, girls don't shit, girls don't do anything disgusting...and for some reason boys are told just that on top of the fact that boys are disgusting, vile, creatures.
compare the differences between a group of guys living together and a group of chicks..and lets say each group is comprised of good friends who have lived with each other for two years. both groups are chilling out and lounging in their respective living rooms watching tv, there are no guests over, and it's just a traditional lazy sunday [chronicles of narnia!]. now let's say that one member of each group, dick and bobby joe sue, respectively, has got a case of some horrible fucking gas.
bobby joe sue will sit there, ass clenched, letting the gas build up in side of her until she can't hold it anymore. at that moment, she will get up...she will go to her designated bathroom [admit it, there is one bathroom you absolutely love and use as exclusively as possible], where she will then let loose...and, because as we all know a fart is simply the cry of a trapped terd, she will most likely have turned the faucet on. she will shit as quickly as possible, and will return to her spot in the living room as if nothing happened. if she, completely by accident, let one slip...the rest of the ovarian squad will glance at her with the infamous woman death-stare...or, they will act like nothing has happened at all, which really is worse than the death-stare because it just compels the air of embarrassment to thicken that much more.
dick will sit there and sound off like a machine gun. his ass will bear resemblance to a scene from any vietnam war film or documentary. he will revel in his stench, and his friends will laugh uncontrollably. he will then put his ass right in front of another guys face, and expel the most noxious and thunderous poot from his bunghole that has yet to occur, all the while laughing like a school girl.
i know i'm babbling on a bit and doing a huge circumlocution...but, see the difference? the penis-clad mongrels of the world grow up stewing in their own brew with nothing but minimal social constraints limiting the marination; whereas women develop what can only be described as the most toned and tight sphincters of the world.
if men were required to learn a little sphincter control and weren't constantly told that "boys will be boys" as they sit around and launch sensory grenades, perhaps, when the time came that they were around a woman and felt comfortable, they wouldn't drop ass without hesitation or apology only to say "it's natural."
it wouldn't be "natural" if i were to sit there and drop ass..no, that would rank up there with one of the most vile things he has ever experienced. nope...it's not natural for him to sit there and hold it so he can get bloated...it's not natural for him to take a gasx...and it's really not natural for him to get his ass up and walk to the bathroom, but it's natural for me to do all of the above, all because girls don't fart.
i demand we change these bastard social perceptions and rise up, oh women folk of the world and shirk this shroud of sugar and spice and everything nice...let us unite and fart with the freedom and lackadaisical frame of mind with which men do. let our gas finally be deemed equal!
or lets just stop letting them let go without a ball tap and an ass smack.
either, or...fine with me. and yes, i am well aware that i'm delirious from lack of sleep. very well aware.
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do you ever think think that men are perhaps conditioned, and the irony is they are conditioned by women? it is funny that guys in a perfectly guy environment will behave like sisters. they will fight, squabble, and do the nice things together. go out, have fun, party, and yes do some shopping.
yes they might be filthy and all but is that a choice they made for themselves or their mothers?
isnt it necessary for men to, in a minimalist way even, be slightly off beat, rugged, wild, and yes sometimes asses? i'm tempted to think that the genetic imperative in their filthy habits is for women to have something to change about him.
A fully made man is never good for anything. He knows it and will not let you forget it. Also, he will demand that much more polished a bride.
i think the societal paradigm will continue to shift and change until the world is a true reflection of the morals and varieties in it.
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