maybe i'm to strong to let go, maybe i'm to weak to let it show, maybe i'm to stubborn to say no, whatever the case i can't take it no more

here's the deal: i'm not here, you never saw me.
we clear?

good.

it's not to say i'm not back, or here, or whatever...it's mostly just to say i'm here for the moment, and i know it's mostly to say...eh, fuck it. i'm sure no one even bothers to check this place out anymore..and quite understandably so...it died, like a tasty little flan in a cupboard....a flan with a creme fraiche and fruits on top....mmmm

pardon that slip. nothing makes you avoid putting anything into your mouth like wedding dress shopping. i look like jessica rabbit in most of them, it's really an amazing thing to see...really.

anyway, i guess i should provide some sort of update, huh? let's see: i moved to new jersey for a job...i'm getting married....and that about covers it.

i'm no closer to accepting myself, liking myself, or really even tolerating myself...and though i'm extremely happy [most of the time] in the love department, i'm pretty much the same old bitch who's comprised of two diametrically opposed personalities that's going absolutely bat shit crazy trying to figure out how to placate one side without driving the other side into a fit of rage and vice versa....now the only upside is that i have a dude that constantly points out how big of a spazz i am and is generally getting the shit end of the stick when one side isn't very happy.

lately, the portion of me that thrives on vagaries has been driving me nuts, and i have to admit fairly rightfully so: i have no outlets. none. i wake up at 4am, i work out, i work from 6:30am to 8pm, i come home, i eat dinner, and i go to sleep..and my weekends are pretty much occupied with trying to plan this bastard wedding and looking for a home to buy. pretty much everything i've done for the past few months has been methodical and real-world driven...there's nothing whimsical or fun about any of it. don't get me wrong, i have fun looking at houses and doing my job etc, but there's a point in all of those aforementioned activities where the humor and imagination stop because there's a huge wall of good-old reality obstructing the view of the other side.

point blank: the creative side of me is going ape shit for something..anything..that has no road blocks, that's void of rules and requirements, that has no necessity and purpose, that lets me do me in the most pure and unadulterated way possible.

the other thing is that i'm pretty much stuck in the sense the only people i have to talk to are my hubby-to-be, my family, and my co-workers...and obviously, there are just some things that you can't talk about to them, and let's face it..co-workers are in that category of people who exist in that realm of "need to know" with regard to what information they get about the ol' personal life.

it's not like i can sit down, look into his gorgeous blues and say "my day was good, but while i was driving to work this morning and stuck in traffic a song came on and i had this uncontrollable urge to cry because i'm petrified you're making a huge mistake in marrying me because i'm not sure you can make me happy or if i can ever really be happy."

sure, you should be able to talk to your partner about everything..but just cause you should be able to doesn't mean you really should exercise that option whenever the mood strikes you....and i'm fairly sure preying on the underlying insecurities of someone you love would justify abstaining and keeping your fucking mouth shut.

so, i suppose that brings me here. i've got no one but my family and my betrothed to talk to and interact with..and in a culmination of how completely and truly pathetic the social and creative workings of my life have become, i'm here.

for now.