have i still got you to be my open door? have i still got you to cross my bridge in the storm? have i still got you to keep me warm?

it sometimes amazes me the way my family seems to work.

no, i don't mean the way my family and i always seem to be at diametrically opposed positions on completely antithetical spectrums....rather, i mean how things always seem to happen in rapid succession.

my grandmother [my momma's mom] died on december twenty-first in nineteen ninety-six after battling multiple myeloma for four years....which was exactly three years and nine months longer than any doctor gave her to live when she was diagnosed....meanwhile, exactly nine months later my other grandmother [my daddy's mom] decided that handicapped was no way to live, and neither was being completely unable to to do anything for yourself...so, using the chord of an iron she took it upon herself to do g-d's work. you can assume from there.

rather odd that things happened in such a way. nine months, and then next...you know?

what's more odd is that my grandfather [my daddy's dad] decided it was his time to go on february fourteenth and that no matter what the cost it was going to happen that day. unfortunately, that cost was my mother--who fought with him for the gun, and who my father literally had to scream at--over the phone no less--to leave my grandfather because he swore he'd shoot her so long as it meant he got to shoot himself....so, she left...and she got to see the whole thing, and my dad got to hear the whole thing. not cool.

for some reason i think my grandmother told him to do it and literally possessed him...otherwise they couldn't be together again...and i know that's crazy talk...but you never know. everything about the situation goes against the basic grain and personality of my grandfather and coincides perfectly with my grandmother...including the disregard for my own mother's life.

what can i say...i believe in spirits.

anyway, both my father's parents committed suicide and that's some crazy shit...but that's not what i find so odd. what i find inexplicably odd is that my other grandfather [my momma's daddy] passed away on april twenty-sixth.

that's each set of grandparent going immediately after the other...and that? that is odd.

my parents are now both orphans...and an entire generation is now absent in my family.

what's more strange is that i'm much more heartbroken over my mother's parents deaths than i am over my father's parents deaths...and i'm not sure if that has to do with the fact that i grew up with my mother's parents, or if it stems from the way that my father's parents decided to take their leave...but when i was fourteen and i had a dream with my grandmother looking extremely young but with empty eyes telling me to tell my mother that she's okay and that she is happy, and then woke up to my father telling me that we have to go to florida because grandma passed away...i was heartbroken.

it was the same heartbroken i felt last thursday when my brother told me that grandpa passed away.

i was my grandfather's favorite grandchild....hands down...he let everyone know....and that sentiment was completely mutual. i looked forward to every weekend when i would spend the night at their place...i would look forward to all the times he would come over and babysit me because my brother and parents were going out where little ones weren't allowed. i loved the times we spent deep sea fishing on his tiny boat and how proud he was of me for catching a fish...even if it was a fucking dog fish. and, if anything, i owe my greenish eyes and dark skin tone to my grandfather...thanks to him, i know i'm not the milkman's child.

i admired how proud he was, i respected his work ethic, i adored his ability to take absolutely nothing and build a masterpiece out of it, and i thank him for teaching me what conviction is.

sadly, i couldn't go to the funeral because, in a matter of speaking, when my grandmother died, he died...he moved back to latvia, and that's where he is and there's no way i can go on account of having finals [fucking school...always fucking up my life]...and it's been six years since i've seen him last.

it's hard not being able to say goodbye to someone properly, it's even more hard not to be able to pay your respects to them, but on saturday night i opened my eyes at five in the morning to see a women with long flowing hair that vaguely looked like my mother, and a man standing behind her.

i may have been dreaming, i may be schizophrenic....i may just be delusional...but for some reason i don't have to question who it was: it was my grandmother and grandfather coming to see me. they were happy, they were free....and more importantly, they were together.

i'm glad he went peacefully, i'm glad he wasn't in pain, and i'm glad he's finally happy again.

i always assumed that my grandparents would be at my wedding...that they would spoil the shit out of my own children...they they would be around forever.

i was wrong.

i just hope they know how much i love them.