i don't believe in fairytales and nobody wants to go to hell. we've made the wrong decisions and it's easy to see our sins piled high to the sky.

1. while at the bookstore today, i overheard these guys speaking. i swore to god they were speaking some kind of foreign language. nope, it turns out that ebonics with a southern twang sounds so foreign, i couldn't even tell it was a form of english. yeee haw!

2. i'd like to give mad props to cleveland for reaching a new level of ghetto. yes, that's right...i saw a group of men in their mid to late twenties riding around on bicycles with boom boxes propped in the bike baskets. that's straight ghetto fabulous.

3. how to tell a girl fake bakes in one glance: she has a white line that now replaces the natural crease in her neck.

4. some people gesticulate. in fact, most people gesticulate; however, some people flail like they're in the middle of some broadway production that is counting on adequate "spirit fingers" to get them that tony award. the former animates you and makes you personable, the latter just makes you seem like a fucking retard.

5. retro glasses do not make you cool. retro glasses usually just make you look like you're trying really hard to be cool. you're in an accounting class....the mystery over your potential cool is more than just solved..it's been beaten to death. and while we're at it, navy blue and brown will never, ever, ever look good together.

6. the phrase "gay asian guy" just seems extremely redundant to me.

7. you pretty much know you're fucked when you're a guy in a fabulous black armani suit, and yet even that can't make your hotness factor reach above a level of artic "i think i'll lick my dogs ass if it means i don't have to go out with you" chill.

8. it bothers me that every liquor ad has a little line at hte bottome that says, "enjoy responsibly." firt of all, you can't really enjoy liquor responsibly...it's an oxymoron, kinda like jump shrimp. furthemrore, responsibility is subjective. drinkin to much and throwing up in someones apartment? irresponsible. but throwing up in a garbage can rather than the floor? that's responsible. throwing up in a mesh garbage can without a bag? yea, that puts you back at irresponsible..and is just plain gross.

9. why is it that when i call a friend to ask for a phone number...they sit there and scroll through their cell phone address book, while still on the phone with me...and only relay the number to me two fuckin digits at a time?! text the shit to me, jackass!

10. when i say, "i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy," what i'm really thinking is.."i hope this exact fucking thing, or worse..happens to that fucking ashsole." tee hee!

11. i bought some applesauce, and in a fit of utter boredom..i started to read the package. it says that it's made from a "special mott's family recipe," but when you turn to the ingredients all that's listed is apples and water. what the fuck kind of special recipe is that?!!

12. i really miss the show "salut your shorts."

13. i noticed a few weeks ago that the janitor at my business school had a copy of good housekeeping on his little cart...and you know what? that's awesome he keeps up with the trends!

14. i think if you're a girl..or a guy..and you're not single..the first words out of your mouth whenever you meet somebody at a bar should be "girlfriend" or "boyfriend"...or better yet "not getting any"...that way, when i'm completely blunt about the fact that the guy has no shot in hell with me, i don't seem like a total bitch...just informative.

15. i think as a result of e-mailing and imming people all day, i've developed this awesome and nearly impeccable online game.....i can converse with people via myspace..or e-mail..or text message, and by the time we meet in person, they already fucking love me. what's funny is when my friends ask me to outsource these kills...like, a few nights ago my friend got an im from a chick he didn't know at all, and seeing as the conversation was going nowhere fast..he asked me to tell him what to say. lets just say, he closed the deal the next night. i'm like e-cyrano. word.

16. what is it about a hairdresser that makes them beyond reproach?! i sit there and see myself getting butchered in the mirror...and i see the final results and am less than thrilled...and i can't bring myself to say anything. i can't seem to muster up the courage to say "i think it'd look better with a few highlights in the front," but i can tell everyone else about it like they can do the highlits for me. what the fuck?!!

17. i think that the reaction i get from people when i tell then i don't drink coffee and have never had a cup of coffee in my entire life, is the equivalent of my reaction when people tell me that they don't drink alcohol. how can you not drink alcohol?!! how?!!

18. i asked my friend's five year old daughter what she was learning in school. she said she would love to tell me, but she can't say those words out loud while daddy is in the room. aww! that's my girl!!

19. funniest thing i heard this week: while on the phone with e, i overheard him say to his cousin who is visiting him from israel, "listen man..you left your dirty dishes out again..and i'm not threatening you 'cause you're bigger than me and shit, but i'm just letting you know..if you don't clean up after yourself there's a really high chance that my balls are going to graze your pillow. yea, there's a good chance my balls are going to have a dance party on your pillow. got it?"

20. once upon a time, someone asked me why i don't do situps while i watch tv. outside of the fact i hardly watch tv, i have a perfectly good reason why i abstain from doing situps while watching tv:

yup...it's kind of hard to watch tv when you have two giant blobs of fat inches away from strangling you with each and every "up" you sit. granted, wearing a push up bra doesn't help...neither does lifting your but in the air..but still....it's a struggle.

happy hnt y'all!