Wednesday, June 21, 2006

there's something exciting about leaving it all behind, something magical about having everything you'll ever need in the person sitting next to you.

there i be.

and
there you be.
and?
nothing.

yup. nothing....zilch, zero, nada...not a mother fucking thing.

i somehow think that if i had a diamond encrusted clit, mandated giving head to the guy every hour on the hour, and was more than willing to commit my ass away while he fucked anything he so desired....i would still end up with nothing.

how the fuck does that work? how?

fine...i'm a magnet for unattainable men. fine...i'm a challenge. fine..i'm intimidating, i'm closed off, i'm independent, i run away..

blah blah blah...it's all abso-fuckin-lute bullshit.

i don't care if you've got low hanging sperm makers or the uterus and matching ovary set.... if you're human, and you really do have an interest in someone, guess what? nothing will prevent you from exploring things more. no, i'm not being some hopeless romantic chick, and no this has nothing to do with my monthly hormonal levels being all shades of fucked up. that's the way things go: if you like someone, you want to be around them. that's how friendships are born out of perchance meetings, how a first encounter becomes the tale told at an fiftieth wedding anniversary, and how two people can lock eyes across a room and see their future.

interest is the foundation for everything we do, and our relationships with people are no different...

so when i get senor fucktard standing before me attempting to explain why he hasn't talked to me in a while, or why he forgot about me for an entire week, or why he's muttering whatever bullshit lame-ass excuse his wee little pea size brain can come up with in order to seemingly make ammends and semble some sort of apologetic facade...i pretty much sit there looking a bit perplexed and smirking because i'm really not as stupid as they'd love to think, and they really have no idea what they are doing, contrary to what they believe of course.

i know full well he has no interest in me. he may think i'm cool, he may think i'm cute...but whatever fantastical spark that's needed to make people really connect is just absolutely not there. and when they go on their little tirades, and bust out the smoke and mirrors so they can sugarcoat their guilt away, it's the equivalent of coming home and hearing "you lost weight! you look good...ten more pounds and you'll look great" because the end message is the same: "you're not right, but maybe you can work on it."

and when you have no real interest in the guy, it's really easy to sit back and watch them scramble like idiotic mice to try and keep you from having any amount of "power" or say in things...but when you feel that little tingle...not so easy.

and there i be.

and it fucking blows.

on the one hand i understand.
i know insanely well what it is to be in a shitty place in your life and to not be *you*, but some derivative of you that you really would rather not show anyone. i understand he just moved back..that he needs to sort out his life, think of a game plan...i understand that when your excavating your life from the shackles of fuck-all, the last thing you need is to add someone to the fun. i understand because that's a big reason why i've been single for over two years.

what i don't understand is how you can adore someone, and keep them on the sidelines. how you can say the words "i don't want a relationship," yet still want to talk to someone constantly...use pet names, call just to "check-in." i don't see how you can decide against something, when your eyes mirror the desire for that something with intensity.

most of all, i don't understand how "hanging out and wanting to have fun" translated into "relationship." i never said i wanted one..i don't even know if i want one...but when the a possible end for a sexual union is kind of taken out of the equation, well, then there's no point in adding retard number one with retard number two. it's fuck buddies and drama...or strictly friends.

but do friends softly outline your frame with a finger? do they gently brush the hair from your face while you're snuggled up? do friends use possessive titles like "my woman"? do they bitch about you not calling them enough, or about you not telling your family about them? perhaps they do, and i just have no idea because most of my male friends view me as one of "the guys."

i'm really not sure what to think about things. i find myself flip flopping randomly throughout the day.

part of me wonders if i'm just a modicum of convenience--all the comforts of someone there but no real effort required...part of me wonders if i'm just sitting around waiting for something that just ain't gonna happen for me to begin with...sometimes i sit and think that it's not so much that he doesn't want a relationship, it's that he's just not into me like that...which he has argued adamantly against, but i'm cynical enough to still wonder.

most of me is just kind of ignoring it all, because thinking leads to overanylzing which leads to me freaking out which leads to me running away like a bat out of hell...and that's what i'm trying not to do. no more running away...eventually i'm going to have to face my fears, and there is no time like the present i suppose...

i just don't know what to do: stick around and see what happens? hope he comes around? let my thoughts have their way and coincidently run? do i put him on my sidelines, and date-on? do i flat out tell him it is, or it isn't..and if it isn't that the dynamic needs a serious overhaul?

yea...no fucking clue.

so i'm just going to throw this out there and any input would be more than greatly appreciated:

is it possible to like someone a lot, yet keep a distance because the timing is wrong? or is he just sparing my feelings and i'm just slightly attached so i can't pick up the giant red flag waving freely?

22 comments:

sassinak said...

fuck

i don't know. i mean i never get it right anyway.

if i think they like me they don't
if i think they don't like me they do
if i like them they don't like me
if they like me i don't like them

have you considered reading him this post?

(uncle matt would say make it a paragraph :)

KJ said...

"but do friends softly outline your frame with a finger? do they gently brush the hair from your face while you're snuggled up? do friends use possessive titles like "my woman"? do they bitch about you not calling them enough, or about you not telling your family about them?"................
.......No

If you like him that much........keep him on the sideline because letting go is just too hard. Date around and maybe you'll meet someone who takes your mind off him .......then you'll know that guy is special.

sassinak said...

actually kj has it. just be careful not to SLEEP with anyone unless you mean it.

as for this one? give him what he wants, hang out and have fun but don't take him seriously. as in 'i'm sorry i can't see you saturday, i have a date'

oh fuck that's too much like playing games...
argh!

i'm really the worst person to comment on this because i could write a paragraph that starts with 'do friends feed you chocolate from their fingers?'

JMai said...

In my experience, timing is pretty much never a factor in the beginning of a relationship -- only when it comes time to end it.

If you like him, why don't you tell him how you feel and see what his reaction is? If he bolts, well then you have your answer. But maybe he's just looking for some confirmation. I don't know you but I'm guessing it might be hard to read your feelings?

Natalia said...

Oh Elly-Elle...

Hmmm...from experience...yes there have been times when I have kept a disance from someone because I just needed time for myself or something else needed to be taken care of before. But then again, if it is he right person, all the caution goes out the window and you just make it work. But that is me...and the people I have dated. There is no fas rule about this. At all. And people have different needs. The important thing is honesty. If he is telling you he thinks timing is wrong, is he being honest? Or is he using that as an excuse? What does your gut tell you? Can you stand doing the hanging out thing until you figure it out? You can put him on the back burner and pursue other interests and/or people.

Hmmm not sure I am being helpful... but the main thing is yes he can be honestly in a difficult place where he can' star a relationship. Or he chould be using that line as a way to keep you away or to play the field.

*le sigh*

-N

Scumbag said...

you need some dick.

Johnny Menace said...

you should have given him a blow job while he was standing there explaining shit to you.... he would have defitantly bumped you up to second stringer or something

a lot of women could solve a lot of problems by just giving more blow jobs....

Johnny Menace said...

and.. just be a lesbian

Everything Nice said...

LOW HANGING SPERM MAKERS?!?!

HAWT BUTTAH!!!

Okay no seriously, of course it's absolutely possible to like somebody but back off a bit....

But then slightly attached red flag waving is possible too....

I suppose even though this is a turmoil thing for you, the best judge is your instinct.

And quit lying to people dammit, you DO have a diamond encrusted clit... sheesh.

da buttah said...

Sass: i never get it right either, which is why i'm kind of like "well shitballs, maybe i should stick around for once." other reason? oh yea, he's jewish haha. regardless, i don't want to play games and do the whole "so i met this guy on saturday and he asked me out!" bullshit thing with him either (or anyone for that matter). i'm going out tonight with the idiot who tried to put whether we go out or not on me...so, see how he takes that. tee heee

Kristen: don't know if i like him *that* much, but i do like him. i'm not letting myself think about it. see what happens, i guess.

Jmai: i think he knows how i feel...maybe not to. hmmmm. have to get drunk it lay it all out eh?

Nat: it's like kids thought..there's never a good time to do it, it just happens and you deal with it accordingly. maybe i'm just so far removed from the dating scene that i've kind of idealized the whole thing. at the same time, it's not like i have guys lining up outside my door, so no harm no foul in chillin with him...hah, lord. i should be banned from anything outside of friendship.

Shane: dear god, you have no idea. NONE.

da buttah said...

Johnny: i'm sorry, i need to have your cock in my mouth before i continue to comment.

Em: shhhh! i don't want to advertize the diamond encrusted clit...actually, i wanted to get a cute barbell for down there :) and my instincts shut up most of the time, because i never listen.

Anonymous said...

A diamond encrusted clit? One slip of the tongue and I could chip a tooth...

flounder said...

I've never been one for games, and this sounds like a game.

The question is, do you want to play the game? The answer to that question is, what is the prize for playing, and is it worth playing at all?

BTW - I missed you while I was on my unexpected sabbatical.

da buttah said...

Sotto: but what a way to chip your tooth, eh?!

Flounder: is it a game though? who flat out says something and then makes it a point to make sure you don't think it has anything to do with you, if it's just some petty game? [sorry, i'm the queen of playing devil's advocate =P] and welcome back! i thought you were joining the ranks of those that just disappeared.

Trix: it does blow ass. mucho ass

Anonymous said...

Tomorrow IS HNT, you know...

da buttah said...

but i have no diamond encrusted clit to display :)

Anonymous said...

Here's the deal with Mr. Guy here...he will have sex with you and talk to you but not be tied to you. He wants the physical attachment without the emotional (all guys do). Since you apparently haven't given it up to him...he's blowing you off. He wants to string you along and have you chase him. He's got it backwards (that moron) and needs to trade in his man-card. Men hunt, and women are the prey. Drop him now and never look back...then he'll be all into you. BUT DON'T LET HIM!!! If you can't find someone to help with the sexual urges...I don't know what's wrong. If I were single I'd be all about someone like you but...I'm happily married and you're probably out of my league anyway...but I still would have tried.

da buttah said...

Chris: hah, if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me "i'd so try with you"...hah! end a lot of my money woes =P anyway, he won't even kiss me. he's the one that brought everything up, in fact, not me. we were talking, and somehow it came up..and he didn't just say "i don't want a relationship", it was prefaced by the fact he just moved and has to get his life together. also, he kept trying to get me to say something about it, and when i finally did he repeated over and over again it had nothing to do with his like of me. bleh, in my happy little world things would have just continued the way they were, and i wouldn't have to sit there going "wait...what am i doing, he doesn't want a relationship" because it wouldn't have even crossed my mind, honestly. i know all guys would love the physical without the emotional, but why bring up the emotional all the time in light of saying "no relationships for me right now"? makes no fucking sense.

oh, and i'm really hard prey to hunt :)

Matt Vella said...

Confront your issues head on.

No hints, no beating around the bush, no waiting around to wonder.

You don't do that in other areas of your life, why change that up in your romantic type relationships?

It doesn't have to be confrontational, either. (Almost) every situation can be win/win rather than lose/win. It just takes some practice.

DZER said...

maybe it's just me, but I don't think I'd like licking a diamond-encrusted clit ...

other than that ... I have no useful advice LOL

p.s. ... didja get the package? :)

da buttah said...

Matt: because in other areas of my life other people don't matter. what am i supposed to do? "yea, you don't want any form of a realtionship..and i'm not even sure i want one either..so..well, shit." ...haha, that'll go over well. i'll just see what happens...sometimes riding things out isn't so bad. not like i have guys beating down my door.

Dzer: package?! fuck! i'll go down to leasing tomororw morning and get it. the bastards never tell me i have a package until a month goes by..i swear

Matt Vella said...

No guys beating down your door? Are they a bunch of blind homos in Cleveland or what?