i tried to be someone else but nothing seemed to change. i now know this is who i am inside, and i finally found myself fighting for a chance.

first, i'd like to pat myself on the back for not killing the mini-rose plant i bought a few weeks ago. in fact, its actually doing really well...budding, flowering, growing..i think i may have it exposed to too much sun on account of some of the leaves turning yellow, but the main point is that it's not dead yet. yes, *not* dead yet. i may be able to take care of living, breathing, animals..but plants and i are always at odds..so i'm impressed the little fucker made it this long without wilting to a black crisp.

second, it seems that people like to disappear without so much as an explanation why. murphy up and vanished without so much as a "well, it's been emotional," or something ancillary to that and with that, he disappeared from all instant messengers and e-mail. harumph.

now guerilla blogger is up and gone.

that perplexes me. not because they took it down..it's their blog, they can do what they want with it...but it's kind of sad to me. two people i enjoyed reading that were, as dorky as this sounds, a part of my daily routine, are up and gone..and that is it.

poof. no more.

i never get to talk to them, interact with them, or peer into their minds and lives anymore.

makes me sad :(

third, i had this really interesting conversation with jake and e the other night regarding me being a fucking idiot and apprehensive little cunt about letting people in (gotta love three way calling!). although jake did a lot of sitting there going "dude! i found it for super cheap on ebay," e said something insanely interesting. it was along the lines of: "i think the fact you grew up with us has kind of fucked you up. you see how we treat women we want for sex and how we treat women we want for more. you've seen the chicks we date, the chicks we cheat on, and the chicks we follow around like love sick puppies...i just think you've unknowingly internalized all that shit, and kind of converted it into your own mix of you not being worthy enough to be treated well or that a guy could want you for more than sex because you don't seem to fit our molds."

in all honesty, it shocked the shit out of me. how petty is that? "well my best friend wouldn't date anyone over a size six, so obviously i'm not worthy of being loved."...what-the fuck-ever..thats nonesense...

but then i kind of thought about it.

no guy i know would ever date me.

i mean yea, they would do it based on personality alone..but none of them would ever get to that point because i'm not a twiggy little bitch. none of them would ever walk up to me in a bar to talk to me...none of them would give me the time of day, and even if they did..it'd be solely as friends.

basically they adore the shit out of me because they grew up with me, they know me inside and out, and they can get past the fact i'm not an emaciated little whore.

well, even if i was emaciated, i'd still look healthy and plump.

even my own brother..when asked if he would ever talk to a girl like me...said "no, not unless i knew she was fiesty and fun like elle is."

but how many people get to know someone before deciding where to place them? i get shoved into the friend category before i even open my mouth, if i don't get ousted all together. not to mention that, as great as someone liking you for who you are is, it's kind of dumbed down a bit by the fact that based on aesthetics alone, they wouldn't even bother with you.

so maybe e is right. maybe i just kind of put myself in the category of "not worth it" because what i always saw going on around me were the girls that looked like me never getting noticed or appreciated to begin with. why bother if the end result is so formulaic?

o-well. interesting thought, doesn't solve a fucking thing. i have no idea how to open up...and i'm figuring out that waiting until i'm comfortable enough with things to just do it on my own is something that will take way more time than anyone in their right mind would--or even should--give me. blech

fourth, i made up cute little review site , and no one bothers to sign up! what the shit guys? c'mon! i even submitted my own shit to be reviewed by one of the reviewer people thingies...so, how could it be? dooo eeet!

fifth, fathers day is sunday and as of now i'm sans gift. i have gift ideas, but i'm sans anything i can afford, or that my brother and i have agreed upon. i was thinking of sending him to the skip barber racing school where they teach you how to drive for a day and you get to putz around with a viper. who wouldn't love that? my dad loves cars, he enjoys driving..and even if you don't like either..who doesn't want to fuck around all day with a viper?

downside: that entire idea is going to cost nearly two grand...and i have neither grands just lying around begging for a chance to be used.

another idea was making my dad a bear, dressing him up as super man..and calling him super dad..and then writing out some stuff about how my dad is really inspirational, motivational, and all around a kick ass pops in my opinion.

the verdict was that it was a gay idea.

my brother's first idea was to get my dad an ipod and load it with his favorite bands--beatles, pink floyd, led zepplin, abba, cream, steppenwolf, the eagles etc--but which one of us is going to put the songs on it? i highly doubt my dad wants all his favorite tunes with an added bonus if eight thousand songs of my own smut with it...because you can't tell the ipod what to upload and what not to upload from your laptop....or can you? not to mention how are we going to get an ipod, all those songs, and put 'em all together in time?

his other idea was to get my dad wine. daddy does love himself some wine...but he's got a shitload of wine...so then the idea came up about maybe a nice wine rack to house all the wine that isn't in the wine fridge...but, alas, the basement isn't finished in the parents house...so that would pretty much look retarded.

uch! why are fathers so hard to shop for?!! why?!! makes me go hmmmmmm:

happy hnt y'all! have a great weekend!