[i had no intention of posting this. i read it..i re-read it a few hours later and the conclusion that it's crap still stands. but at the same time it's still a reflction of something that vexes me to no end, and it's something that has been in the forefront of my mind for the past few weeks. above all else, it's something i welcome guidance on. fuck it..it's my blog..and if i can't spill my drunken guts on the world wide web...well? where can i?]
i'm drunk....it's 6am...i can't sleep. why? because i've come to a realization that's bugging the fucking shit out of me.
i've realized that i don't know how to let someone "in" anymore...and it's mostly because....i don't know when....
when is it okay to let go?
when is it okay to just let yourself buy into the daydream that reality teeters gently on, and dive head first into the bubble of sonorously genuine intention that keeps trying to knock down your walls?
this is something i've struggled with for the past two and a half years, but haven't really had to battle because, lucky me!, the cull of truly putting myself on the line was always stolen away from me in a fiery blaze of "you're not good enough" or "i don't want you anymore."...or, at the very least, it was met with actions that resounded the overwhelming disregard for me they, in fact, had.
i wont lie. each moment in which my choice was peculated still weighs on me: how could i have been so foolish? how could i have actually contemplated investing into the farce of whatever my convoluted silliness conjured?
i won't even bother trying to say that my experiences haven't left me with a sour taste in my mouth, and a general distaste for even getting to a point where i'd have to contemplate letting go.
and to be totally honest, i'm happy i haven't had to make the decision. i'm glad i've never had to delve farther than sheer circumspect pondering of the pro's and cons, because i am one scared little bitch when it comes to matters of the heart. i, for the most part, avoid the emotional. i avoid the beyond-platonic relationship. i refuse to let myself get carried away and see more than what is there. i refuse to let myself see what is there in a positive light. it is what it is, and that's it. that's the mentality i approach things with.
but, i'm not as cold and calculated as i wish i was, or hold myself out to be.
that's the problem.
i've kind of surfed through my post-asshole era on a precious dichotomy of unemotional i-don't-need-anyone bliss and the fervent cries of the fact i do want someone. and thus far, i've been able to consolidate the two with my feeble efforts at dating. occasionally someone slips under the proverbial radar...but, even then, i think i let them in to periodically stop the ardent screams of my heart...and i only let them in because i know full well that "possibility" is just not an option with them.
but it's getting harder and harder to find some kind of a modicum ideal between the two divergent sides i'm constantly ping ponging back and forth between. one side is merely my own implemented defense mechanism, while the other side is an understatement of the whole bastard fact that....well? i'm a fucking girl, and any girl that says they don't want to just lose themselves in the hollywood prescribed love-story is lying to you. we all want some guy to waltz in, shake our every ounce of being, live happily ever after, and never look back.
but that's the thing. i don't know when to peer outside my fortified walls of acrimony, and actually let optimistm rear its very forgotten head. i don't know why i'm so distrustful and, overall, second guessing of every guys intentions..and why i enter every potentially good thing with the overall attitude that i'm going to get proper fucked in the end. most of those supposed potentials i just avoid altogether because it's just that much easier, in my mind, to go it alone than to go it agonizing over every single thing.
i've moved so many times in my life that i don't want to find a place to call home...i want to find my home in someone, but instead of looking at things with relatively clear eyes, i don't allow myself to even explore the slight chance of possibility because it's just so much easier to run away than sit around and wait for the glass to fall out from below me.
so here i sit, teetering back and forth between the warm fuzzies of someone potentially having a geniune interest in me, and chastising myself for letting my mind drift away from the "you will get proper fucked" creed i've held to pretty steadfastly during the past two years.
and i can't be myself with guys who express more than a platonic interest (read: come to me and beat me over the head with the notion that they're interested. otherwise i'm totally oblivious to it) because of it. the minute i find myself becoming attracted to them, and more enamored with the idea of having someone in my life, i clam up. i become seemingly standoffish (very un-me), which in turn lends to the appearance of unenthusiasm..which is totally not the case. also? it really doesn't help that i'm horrible at these kinds of things: i constantly worry that i'm being annoying or impinging on their time/inviting myself along to things, or that i say and do all the wrong things, and come off the wrong way..blah blah blah.....so, i just remain there in every lackluster sense of the word.
i know it all revolves around chemistry, but, to an extent, a lot of it has to do with a conscious choice...and i wish there was some way to lease into the idyllic reverie rather than go full speed ahead into total ownership, but....
there isn't. there can't be. it's a decision that encompasses all or nothing. so?
how do you know when it's okay to let go and become the uber disgustingly sweet girl that goes out of her way to do the sickeningly cute "i like you" shit? (oh yes, you best believe it. i am the queen of that shit. seriously.)
when is it okay to just take a step beyond "just going with it", and putting some kind of expectation and faith into something?
how do you know when to open yourself up to the possibility of heartache and complete vulnerability for nothing more than the simulacrum of mere possibility?
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51 comments:
First off, this is extremely well written - drunk or no.
Second, you're right. No one wants to be alone - yet those very things that we use to protect ourselves also keep us from getting close to others.
The reality of the fact is that you can't protect yourself from getting hurt, no matter how tall or wide the walls are.
That's a tough one to swallow. Sometimes we have to lose a loved one to realize it.
So how to let yourself go and give yourself over to someone?
There's no easy answer to this but I'll give it a go anyway because I've had some luck.
First, that creed - that you will get proper fucked - is a self fulfilling prophecy. If you become not who you really are at the mere prospect of a relationship, then your chances of finding someone are slim. He's going to have to be willing to dig, and not many guys are. So, that's going to have to go, one way or the other.
You MAY get proper fucked, but that's a risk that's worth taking above being alone, yes? And, if you do (after being yourself and letting go and giving yourself over), you know what NOT to look for.
There is no romance, there is no man on a white horse who will sweep you off your feet.
What there is out there is someone who on a lot of levels is your equal and who loves you for who you are.
Opening up yourself to the possibility of finding that one will allow it to happen.
The thing is, you can't expect it. You can't force it. You can't MAKE it happen. But if you just let it, it will.
first off? i agree with matt
actually that's it.... oh and the challenge... teh challenge is to do all this AND get burned AND not get bitter.
So Lord of the Rings: Return of the King is on right now. Seriously. I don't even know what channel this is - it's listed on the menu as "E-ACw".
Right now Frodo says, "NO, the ring is mine".
The ring is powerful, but it corrupts beyond all repair.
He knows this, yet right in the heart of darkness, he says - fuck it, I'ma take this bitch and see what happens.
To the end of the world we'll take the very things that drag us down, and only with the willingness of ourselves and the love of our friends will we let them go.
Little known fact: I work with Elihah's brother, Zach.
We call him "Brodo". lol!
Yes, we could write a book on this place...
there's something passive and yet, so satisfying in being able to say, "i'll let fate take care of that." it's like happily, conscioiusly putting your faith into something, but at the same time, surrendering yourself completely to this alleged "higher power." scary shit. and well out of our grasp. where it belongs.
i just realized that i don't really know what i'm talking about. or if i'm making sense. i guess my joy these days just comes in the form of yoga, being myself, and letting my mind drift to silly thoughts of breaking up brangelina. oh, and giving everyone i meet the benefit of the doubt that they're just as filled of fears and doubts and insecurities as i am. makes it easier to date when i realize that the person across the table is, after all, human.
You know, maybe if people didn't use terms like "let someone in" they wouldn't worry about it. When it comes down to it, there's very little to lose if you 'open up' and it turns out wrong. It's better than the alternative: being 'closed' with everyone.
I don't even believe closed and open are real things.
You know what I think. Get back on the horse.
see and now hedge says what i'm thinking.
there's some really smart men on this blog.
elle dude? it's always okay to open up. and sometimes? when it really hurts?
that's the best time
Aww, thanks Sass. I even downloaded AIM. What the fuck?
Ok, I'm off to see Opeth tonight. Love it.
Personally I believe in the "open" and "closed" thing, mainly because I'm a master of closing down.
Getting your ass kicked and / or yelled at on a daily basis by someone that's supposed to be taking care of you will do that.
Took me a long time and a lot of work to "open" up. Not sure how else to describe it, but those terms seem to work.
I think you have to open yourself until you see signs that your heart is better off closed.
I know...easier said than done, eh? But there is no other way around it. I can't get into a relationship with too much caution...then there is no joy in it. I mean, if you have doubts, then there might be a reason...the key is to determine whether it is your own issues and your past that are making you doubt this or is it a vibe from the other person. T
THAT, my dear, is the key. Again... fucking easier said than done, no? Well I did not claim it was easy.
I am feeling my way around like everyone else. I just know that if I let myself be completely jaded about love then I have le the assholes who hurt me win. And that's a big no-no.
We, as humans, are amazingly resilient. We get back up after each blow. I am not saying you should let someone deal you blows and get up for more... no no no. But if they do deal you a blow, you get up and walk away and you are stronger and wiser.
Damn....I am verbosing...I hope I made sense.
-N
i can understand with not letting people in...personally...i think that if you shut down everyone and have a firewall so high...that you may miss everything and the question of "what if?" is always in your mind...I have a few friends that have taken this approach only to find themselves always looking for something wrong in the other person..but i can also see where you no one wants to be dumped on time and time again
You don't know when. There isn't a when. You learn to be comfortable with who you are what you're doing in life, with or without people, and I think that handling people in whatever way you need to will come with that comfort and innate ability to be yourself.
We come into this world, and we go out of it alone. Nothing is more painful knowing that, so...you do what you do and when someone walks by who tugs at your heart strings, you be who you are and hope they appreciate that.
You don't die from being hurt by someone. You die because that's life. And so is hurt. And so is recovery.
You have to become comfortable with being that sweet girl for the sheer fact that it's who you are. You can't wait for the rewards or hope that you'll get anything from the other person, because reality says that you are who you are and if you're that sweet it's what you're meant to do. So do it and be happy with the fact that you did it, and know that in the end you were being true to yourself, no matter the outcome.
I rambled. I'm sorry.
Nicely said.
teresa that's one of the best comments EVER
right up until you apologise for it.
you have fully fucking nailed it... channelling a higher power nailed it.
why on earth are you sorry for it?
"you do what you do and when someone walks by who tugs at your heart strings, you be who you are and hope they appreciate that."
damm
i really wasn't expecting anyone to comment on this...wow. thanks y'all. alright..here goes:
Matt: first off, thank you, i seem to tap into my vocab guru ways when i'm drunk, tee hee! i think the thing of it is that it catches me off guard. i'm fine, i'm going with things, and then all of a sudden something clicks in my head and i go "oh my god, i can't do this." it's usually in the aftermath that the indefinite nature of things starts to get to me: they leave/we go our separate ways...and for a moment i'm all happy and giddy about things, and then i just fall to shit. it's my mentality.."you might trick me once, but i won't let you trick me twice"-so to speak. so rather than overglorify, or under glorify..i try to just roll with it. but rolling with it doesn't lend to the personableness of going out on that limb, and i know thats discouraging. it's true, i do have a wall because i really want someone to take the time and tear the fucker down...but i know that's not realistic. maybe i just can't totally be "open" because i just date all the wrong guys? i'm not making sense..heh sorry
Sass: the bitter thing is hit or miss. i don't understand why some people have a great affect on things, but they do. sucks!
Caro: there is something romantic about letting something higher take care of it all, i totally agree. but how realistic is it? and you totally know what you're talking about, my dear. it's hard to step back and realize that the person sitting across from you, in almost every interaction you have in life, is just like you: filled with insecurities, doubts, and is just as scared as i am. i love that point.
Hedge: i'm getting back on the horse..i'm just figuring out how to go about it...the thing is, logically i know i really have nothing to lose if i "open up" or just go all out and be me, but i can't reconcile that with the feeling i have left over from being in a position of being totally "open" and it totally coming back to bite me in the ass. and i'm not closed off with everyone..for some reason i just snap when things go beyond platonic. weird. you downloaded AIM?! awwww, i heart you :D
Sass: what do you mean by "when it really hurts, that's the best time"? not totally understand. you mean when it's the most agonizing process to make yourself let it all hang out, is when it's the most rewarding?
Sass: that should say understanding..not understand..damn glasses!
Matt: word. i'm really good at shutting people out....i do it all the time. not that i'm proud of it, but sometimes it's all you can do..especially when you have parents like mine. just so much easier to keep them out of certain aspects of your life...keeps the harmony.
Nat: you can't walk into anything completely closed off, agreed. nothing will ever come out of anything then. i can't really distinguish where my doubts come from. i know a lot of it has to do with i'm not a talker. i can't just sit down with a guy and be like "so! is this just a sex thing? a casual thing? a dating thing? what's going on here?"..and it certainly doesn't help that i'm beyond over analytical...my thoughts get the best of me, even when it's something as banal as "he didn't text me back". and what if being stronger just means you're that much harder to access? hmmmm.
G-money: living in a world of "what ifs" is arguably worse than living in a world of constantly being knocked down. good point. but i don't look for something wrong in the other person....i wait for them to wake up and see what's wrong in me. hah..that's even better! bleh!
Dude: excellent points. it's all easier said than done though. that's the shitty part. i know i'm sickeningly sweet, but that's not a side of me i like to flaunt because some people don't deserve me as their doormatt. it always amazes me how some people can't ever see me being a total softy, whereas other people can't ever see me being anything but a sap. when someone tugs at your heartstrings, you're a fool not to at least try, very true...but how do you not sit there and wonder why *they* are tugging at your heart strings? i live too much in my head to just be like "alright, you pulled, i'm here..lets do this". and you're right, you don't die by being hurt by someone, at least not in the tersest definition of the term, but a part of you does die when you do, in fact, give your all and it's thrown back at you with some kind of negative caveat. it's a slippery slope..one that's easier to navigate in theory than in application i'm realizing. snarf!
I completely agree with you, but I think it all goes back to acceptance. You learn to appreciate what you've done for someone, no matter how much they do or don't appreciate it. And that goes hand in hand with self respect, which means you do the sweet stuff and when you realize someone's using you as a doormat you tell them to fuck off. And you glean what you can from that, knowing that while you were used, you still stayed true to yourself. I don't think there will ever be a way to decipher the ideal times from the not-so-ideal ones.
I really have no clue, I just no that it has to go back to self appreciation because it's the only thing any of us have got, ya know? People will walk all over you, you just have to be happy with what you've done. The little parts of you that die have to be filled in somehow, I just don't know exactly how...I think it comes from whoever gives back as much as you've given to everyone else. We just haven't found those people to give us that. Maybe we have, though. Maybe we find that in the best of our friends and our family. I dunno. It's a really fucking slipper slope, but somehow we all get down it...or up it?
Thanks, Sass...and Matt? I'm an apologetic person, and I wasn't sure what I'd said made sense. I'm glad y'all got it :)
Heh...'know,' not 'no.' Dur dur dur.
this is my problem with comment sections about something more serious, i like to play devils advocate to much.
if you do things for someone and it's obvious they don't appreciate it, you second guess everything from then on out. that's the stigma with just being happy you gave it your all...because, how could they not appreciate your all? maybe your all isn't good enough? maybe you didn't do everything you could or go above and beyond enough? and then the second guessing muddles your own self view and your own self appreciation..and you're right back where you fucking started from: should i bother? or not?
the theory of it all is fantastic, i totally agree. you go in clear eyed, give it your all, do your damndest, hold nothing back..and then when it's all said and done take satisfaction in the fact that you stayed true to yourself, what you wanted, and you gave it a shot. it's just you can't go through those kinds of situations time and time again and walk away with the same fresh outlook. if you could, people wouldn't have the issues they have, and relationships wouldn't be as hard as they are in light of the ghost of past relationships popping up at random. it's too hard to look at something that walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...and tell yourself it's not a duck simply because there's a slight shift in the situation and the person involved.
little parts die, and little parts are born all the time..that's the beauty in life. a chunk of you dies in light of some asshole brushing you aside, and then an aspect of you is born in the aftermath of it and the realization that you learned a lot from the experience. friends and family are the anchor, i think. they keep us grounded so we don't get our heads too far up in the clouds...but i think we're on our own when it comes to the funtastic slippery slope. sucks.
oh my turn to dur dur it up: too, not to. weetawed E!
I didn't say do it and keep doing it if they don't appreciate it. Stop when it's obvious, tell them to go fuck themselves. Not everyone sees "giving your all" same way, obviously. And I didn't say you were going to come out of these situations bright eyed and bushy tailed, but if you let it kill you every single time then you're doing your self a disservice. Some people are just fucked in the head and they'll NEVER appreciate what you do, no matter how fucking hard you try or how awesomely you deliver. So you learn to roll with it.
What I'm saying is that you have to have a healthy amount of self appreciation to put yourself out there because of the recovery, exactly because you'll doubt yourself. It's never NOT a risk. And there will never be a time when it'll become blatantly obvious when you're supposed to dive on in. But are you gonna never put yourself out there again?
This is the damage of questions like this. They're relatively rhetorical because there isn't an answer. There never will be. You learn to live with not knowing, and you accept that eventually you'll do it again no matter how that comes about, and you take heart in that.
You just have to learn to pick the good out those bad moments because it's all you've got in a realm so undefined as this.
Play devil's advocate all you want, but the reality is that you'll never get an answer because it's not an answerable quandry. It's just the way shit is. You accept it and you find ways to not let it get the best of you when you're drunk at 6 AM on a Sunday morning.
Yeah, I got another one...
There's supposed to be an "of" in there somewhere.
Rockin' the gay typos!
Oy! And I know that YOU know that you put your all into something when you really care, and your all is more than anyone could ask for. Honestly. And that's what matters -- when you REALLY care.
I just think you've become much better at deciphering who deserves it, and you've not found that in someone yet.
there is no answer. i know. it's just a matter of seeing what works for others, and picking out what you think may work for you. which really doesn't help because i get into lawyer mode and have this sick urge to pick apart peoples arguments. how's that for training?
i'm also being totally hypocritical, because everything people have told me, particularly you, i'd say to someone who came to me with the same kind of issue: go with it, give it your best shot, and don't deny yourself something potentially great out of fear for the potentially bad.
hard as fuck to tell it to yourself though.
yea..when you really care you give your all and you give your all to open the door to caring. woooo circumlocution!
yea, that's the other thing. am i not willing to just say fuck it and give my all because of my own shit, or because he's just all wrong. BLEH!
Yeah, I feel pretty fucking hypocritical, but I think that means that we inherently know, in theory, what we should be doing. But it's always hard because even though shit doesn't kill you, it hurts.
I think, in your case, it's more a matter of not giving your all because somehow you've decided or realized that it's not worth it. But that also may be attributable to you being just generally more cautious when there's potential there. There's nothing wrong with that. I think it all tends to work itself out when it's really meant to be, and I hate leaving that much to fate but I think it's the best explanation.
It's like the only way to get out of the rut is to run into someone who can bring you out of it. And that's just a matter of time, and patience.
Life's kind of a bitch sometimes. More often than not, really.
How many toads must a woman kiss before finding her prince?
How high does that number have to be before you say "it's not worth it"?
Dude: sometimes you have to leave it to fate. shit does work out for a reason, it's true. life is a bitch, but so am i..so i guess i can't really hate that much.
Faltenin: depends how much that woman is willing to go through. for me? i think it was around number 6 that i just opted to say "fuck it"
I love drunk posts! Thank you for filling the void that the White Devil left for us all.
As for letting peeps in, I hear ya loud and clear. I just don't care anymore. :)
faith is taking the first step even though you can't see the whole staircase - so sayeth the wise Dr. King.
for me, bouncing back from major heartbreak took a long time. i still have moments of complete and utter terror, which manifest themselves in my being difficult and tense and hard to please and very, very guarded. it makes me feel safe from being hurt again, and makes my darling sigother, whomever it happens to be, feel like they can't do anything in the world to make me happy.
is it okay? probably not. is it human? i have no doubt.
letting someone in can't happen overnight. i think it just sort of creeps up on you - one day you wake up and feel normal and wonder when everything fell into place.
the first step to that morning has to be loving yourself, forgiving yourself for the things you percieve you did wrong before, and having faith that next time, it will be better and easier.
but what do i know? lol
you have an enviable gift for beautiful and self-effacing writing.
<3jn
Holy Cow ...Im not even sure how to respond to this, but we all have been there before. Its not about taking the walls down though more like not noticing that they are up, its that person that you least expect that will catch you off gaurd and before you know it you will be gigglin over stupid shit that you never did before. Damn you may make me think sometimes..I hope Im not racking my own brain over this.
Wow girl...I know I've said this before but I'm amazed at how well you write.....
Every girl does want that romance....way to be brave and state it.
I don't know what to tell you because I struggle with the same issue.
So, anybody else having troubles with blogger? My blogger is acting like anus. Yeah. No fun.
Yep.......blogger sucks today....I can't publish mine
"i'm drunk.....it's 6am"
i love you.
Wes: s'what i'm here for
Jennifer: heh, you know more than i do ;) which really isn't say much since i'm pretty much a full fledged retard..
Kristen: not being that brave about it....more like lurking in the shadows and seeing if he'll make some overt gesture.
Hedge and Kristen: yea....wasn't there a scheduled outage?!
Scumbag: oh...you should love me. "i'm rdunk...it's 6am" is a 4 times a week occurance.
I didn't know about the outage but it's driving me insane
Kristen: will it not lest you post anything at all? like even access your blog? because i get to all of mine, i just can't publish anything.
Will: no idea. no one said i had things thought out my dear haha
I didn't know about the scheduled outage. It's annoying because I updated, then needed to repost, but the outage occured between posting, so there's essentially a rough draft posted when I needed the proof up. Bah.
Wang.
kick his ass sea bass!
I like the new profile pic.....
It won't let me publish anything.
Kristen: yea. it won't even let me load my comments section until i try it a good five or six times. fuckin blogger! always have issues. and thank you my dear..not sure i like it..but, figure i could use a change
Will: when don't you? where'd we lose you?
I really like it.....very hot
Fuck blogger
thank you :)
i got my hair did on friday..and i wouldn't let her touch it..but she put in highlights that kinda mirror my natural shitty brownish red color...trip-ay to look in the mirror and see hat again
yea this happens a lot. they said they fixed it with the last huge outage they had. fuckin google!
yay!! blogger is fixed ;)
I know.......thank god....I was feeling disconnected without blogger
elle : yeah that's just what i mean, when it's the hardest to be open is usually when you need it most.
that doesn't make it easy. but i think if life was easy we wouldn't treasure it as much. i just know that my terrible times have always lead to better things in the long run...
i'm going to keep trusting... and i'm going to do it again and again... but i'll tell you i'm slower and more reserved every time. i'm just honest about it 'by the way i'm slow and reserved'
man that took five tries to post
man that took five tries to post
Kristen: seriously. got boring reading my own blog....ewww haha
Sass: i guess that makes sense. i'm reserved and slow about it, to the point where it looks like i'm inactive with regard to it, i think. the good things are worth working for, and harder to get than the rest...i can buy into that.
Unfortunately there's only one way to find out if there's such a thing as true love, soul mates and happily ever after. You have to keep trying. you know what happens if you dont: nothing. Good luck sorting it out.
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