you know the drill: i have 30 minutes...and not a thing in my mind to really go with...enjoy the randomness.
...i ran out of my favorite lipgloss. it's my absolute favorite, and i'd rather use nothing than have to use something other than it....yet? i can't seem to let myself pay the fourteen dollars to get more. fuck!
...the faint are fantastic to run to. for serious.
...how many times can you smack someone over the head with how their opinion of themself is totally biased before you just stop giving a shit? how long until you can't think of it as anything more than fishing for compliments?
...i think i wrongly assumed that growing up required throwing out a lot of who i was.
...it amazes me that people come to me for advice. i'm absolutely horrible at giving it, and i'm pretty much being a hypocrite the entire time i'm working through whatever issue they come to me with. i love to play devil's advocate (as most of you know), and i often times can't make that side of me shut up for the sake of whoever i'm talking to. i'm really not seeing how me constantly bringing up some counter point to the topic is condusive to a resolution to whatever ails them. but? uhm, i try?.
...fourteen dollars for lipgloss is too much, but i just spent six hundred on a new vacuum cleaner. inconsistency rocks!
...i can't decide if it's the ultimate honor to be viewed by the majority of my male friends as not a girl at all, or just fucking horrible. regardless, i got my invite to the bachelor party in the mail...and i'm stoked!
...i can't stop listening to "rootless tree" by damien rice.
...the girls who work at the chipotle in mentor are really...fucking...ugly. skinny..but ugly. not sure if i'm more pissed that they got good bodies and are ugly, or that i'm kind of cute and have a shitty body. snarf!
...my fridge is full of miller lite, bass ale, rolling rock, lebatt blue, guiness, guiness cream ale, peach shnapps, baileys cream, cranberry juice, redbull, and water. my freezer is filled with four different types of vodka's, two bottles of whiskey, two bottles of gin, and popcicles. yea. popcicles are the only edible thing in my entire apartment outside of pet food.
...your inactivity begets my inability
...it's really trippy to walk down euclid avenue and see the entire street transformed to resemble a street in new york city. ads, 212 numbers, and actual store names. it's just extremely weird.
...i hate this constant feeling that i just don't belong.
...i think a big problem of mine is that i can't reconcile the idea of relationships i grew up with, and the actuality that is modern dating.
...maybe it's spring, maybe it's some other factor i'm not going to admit on the worldwide web, but i have been the horniest fucking bitch lately. i mean i'm pretty "anytime..anyplace" most of the time....but now i, simply, take a deep breath in and my fucking loins go "eee! lets get some dick!" jesus titty fucking christ! it's really hard to sit in a library and get your study on, when simply inhaling makes you want to crawl over the cubicle and rape someone.
...three times now i've walked into the kitchen to get something and three times now i've gotten to the kitchen and forgot what the fuck it was i went there for.
...i'm strangely excited to take a pic of g-money's name written on my boobie.
...i really can't decide if i like HIM or not. everytime i listen to them i get kind of into it, and then go "oh god, this is so gay"...so...yea...no clue if i like them.
...it irks me that i miss new york city like it's a person sometimes. irks me more that i go out sometimes and wish that jake and e were there so i could actually enjoy myself.
...is it bad that i feel guilty for dating people that i know my parents won't ever approve of? perhaps the word know is too strong , but in every superficial sense of the term, my parents just will not approve of them. maybe it's because i see how they react to some of the girls my brother brings home, maybe it's just me...but the fact they'd never really approve eats away at me constantly and weighs on me all the time. most of the time i just refrain from telling them anything so i don't have to bear the reality of the disappointment i feel they'll think i am for my choice in someone.
...in addendum: is it bad i feel like my life would be a disappointment to my parents if they knew more about it than the purely academic/work related shit and what i inform them of?
..."shut 'em down" by ll cool j is a fantastic song. word.
...though i sympathize, feel bad, and try my best to make them feel better about it, a sick part of me is kind of happy when i hear about a guy getting played.
...his eyes render me absolutely helpless.
...jake says that you click with people from the get-go because your souls are entwined in such a way that you have to go through life together in some way, whether it be together as friends, lovers, or just as a figment of a memory. he believes in past lives, me? not sure. regardless, it's an extremely romantic and awesome idea, no? either way, i love that feeling. the feeling of meeting someone and it just feeling like your home.
...it fascinates me that some people can't see me being mean, ever, while other people can't ever see me being anything but a fiesty bitch.
...i really am dreading family time this coming weekend. i have no idea why, but i am.
...some people situations make me so fucking sad. even though i know they have found their silver lining in it, it makes my heart bleed to know they'll never really be happy unless they redress some choice they made.
...my friend sean really needs to download aim. this myspace e-mail chatting is just obnoxious.
...i think it's funny that the majority of people who make it a point to tell me that i'm easy to talk to are people who have never really ever talked to me. i don't mean that we sit in total silence...they talk at me, and i respond...and for all intents and purposes that's a conversation. yet, they've never engaged in any kind of conversation with me outside of me helping them with their issues. nothing really progresses past them. so am i an easy person to talk to? or just an easy person to dump on, because i take the time to listen and talk to them about things?
...some people's situations make me so fucking sad. even though i know they have found their silver lining in it, it makes my heart bleed to know they'll never really be happy.
...i'm about a hop, skip, and a jump away from following the glorious path of e.
... this post, eased my mind about so many things. his blog, in general, just mirrors a lot of the things i think, feel, want to say, and offers insight into a lot of things i just wonder and think about. i suggest reading it.
...my half hour is up, but, i don't feel like doing my work just yet.
...it amazes me that people who have only had a tiny glimpse into my life and into who i am have so much faith in me, my ability to achieve, and make the goals i want to achieve into nothing more than an irrefutable fact and not the unattainable desires i view them as. it makes me wonder what i did to deserve their support...it makes me wonder what about me makes them have so much faith...it makes me wonder why the people who know me inside and out don't see things that way....and it makes me wonder why i can't see my own goddamn self in that way. i thank you, though. more than you'll ever know.
..."what i want.... is to let go...of everything that's been told." word. mother fucking word.
......i've read the same paragraph of my paper five times, and i have no idea how to fix it, incorporate what my professor thinks will make the argument stronger, or even how to phrase it any better than "it's fucking inconsistent". gonna be a long long night.
...i can't tell what i want to do more: prove the people who underestimate me wrong, or show the people that expect too much from me that i'm nothing more than a fuck-up so they leave me alone.
...i think i'm too competitive for my own good, sometimes. othertimes? not competitive enough.
...for as much as i hate the position he's stuck us in, for as much as i want to yell at him and make him see what he's doing to us, and for as much as i want to make him feel every ounce of hurt we've felt because of him and his callous and easy dismissal of us at someone's request, i can't lie. i miss him. i miss talking to him, i miss his smile, i miss his laugh, i miss the way his voice cracks when he stops joking around and delves into something serious, and i miss the way it feels to hug him. i want nothing more than to make him as addled as he's made us...and yet? i want nothing more than to have him in my life again..and things to be like they used to be. talk about divaricated intentions.
...i'm sickeningly pleased with the fact that i used the word "antipodal" in my thesis. how nerdy am i?
...i hate the fact i look so fucking innocent.
...i wish i could actualize my inner sex vixen and act out on all the things that float around in my little head, rather than leave her as the concept she's lived as for so long.
...15 minutes behind schedule..suppose i should shut up huh?
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31 comments:
A few comments:
Do you really have whiskey in the freezer? You must, for my sake, remove it immediately. Whiskey must be at room temperature, even when you then put it over ice. Those are the whiskey rules; I didn't write them.
All caucasian Chipotle workers are thin with really bad skin. All non-caucasian Chipotle workers are a little plump but cute as hell. Those are the Chipotle rules; I didn't write them.
Him? As in "Rip off the wings of a butterfly for your soul, my love"? That Him? Stare at that lyric for a minute and I think you'll decide you hate them.
Elle, you deserve the support. Everyone does.
Even after all the shit I've been through in my life, I know that with the rare genetic exception, most of us are inherently good. It's the alternate layers of armor and garbage that we paint on ourselves or that we allow to have painted on ourselves that ends up fucking things up.
The Chipotle people out here can barely reach the spoon to put beans in your burrito, let alone see over the counter.
get a scar on your cheek ... shatters the innocent look.
also, you are just SOOOO nice (for a fiesty bitch) and, can I just say, you're just SOOOOOO easy to comment to!
heh
Well another post that simply put amazes me how you think. You know for some odd reason I am attracted to the so called "Bitches" of the world. I cant speak for all men, but there is something about that "type of woman" that am I attracted to. As for your family coming to town dont sweat it, its family, they are humans to, as for what they think about your tats and other things that go on in college life....who cares, they dont walk in your shoes. You are you and dont change unless you want to believe it or not I bet your parents are alot like you, did some of the same things you have done or might do and had the same fears that you have about them, with there own parent. Its what really makes a family. Enough of this though. I'm more interested to learn about you as a person, I cant tell if your happy or sad half the time. The secret to life is making yourself happy first and everything esle will fall into place. Believe in yourself, trust in your values and answer to yourself, hold yourself accountable. No one is perfect, as people we have to make decisions everyday....we are not always going to make the right one. No one can and no one ever will, thats life. Keep up your posts I like reading them.
Well another post that simply put amazes me how you think. You know for some odd reason I am attracted to the so called "Bitches" of the world. I cant speak for all men, but there is something about that "type of woman" that am I attracted to. As for your family coming to town dont sweat it, its family, they are humans to, as for what they think about your tats and other things that go on in college life....who cares, they dont walk in your shoes. You are you and dont change unless you want to believe it or not I bet your parents are alot like you, did some of the same things you have done or might do and had the same fears that you have about them, with there own parent. Its what really makes a family. Enough of this though. I'm more interested to learn about you as a person, I cant tell if your happy or sad half the time. The secret to life is making yourself happy first and everything esle will fall into place. Believe in yourself, trust in your values and answer to yourself, hold yourself accountable. No one is perfect, as people we have to make decisions everyday....we are not always going to make the right one. No one can and no one ever will, thats life. Keep up your posts I like reading them.
...i wish i could actualize my inner sex vixen and act out on all the things that float around in my little head, rather than leave her as the concept she's lived as for so long.
*sigh* me too.
You'll figure it out and don't forget about your happiness, I have to agree with the others that commented.
Todd: yes, i do have whiskey in my freezer. YES, i know that is mortal sin in the whiskey world, i never claimed it wasn't; HOWEVER, living in a cement box in the winter makes for one cold room temperature to begin with...so my whiskey is fucked regardless. alright, you're right..i hate HIM. thanks! i needed that kind of definitive reflection on thieir musica!
Will: i love your little tirades sometimes, because sometimes you just take what i say so seriously =P and i'm sorry, those chipotle girls were fuckin toe up! EWWW.
Matt: ogres are like onions! it's how unwarranted the support is, it catches me off guard, i guess.
Dzer: uhh i do have a scar on my cheek....that make me automatically tough now?!
Deepitalianeyes: i'm not happy or sad....i'm complacent. can't always be either or, right?
Kristen: word. we'll make her a reality...think all it takes is a little time and a little bit more acceptance of the fact that the two are the same person, and not completely different facets of who we are.
Maybe.....it's kinda for me at least, trying to tear down my wall of protection.
what am I doing? No need to yell
I looked for the button that said "Donate by PayPal towards my new lip"gloss" but didn't find one. An omission?
Kristen: seems counterintuitive though, doesn't it? having a wall of protection for sex..where you're already naked and uhhh have a dick inside you? but yea, i totally agree about the lil wall being there.
G-Money: i'm yelling because you need to eat me for lunch, and you seemingly don't want to.
Faltenin: ya know?! that's not a bad idea! but no, no omission...that's what parents are for..to buy me the useless crap i can't seem to make myself buy
Stupid wall........it's basically I can't let myself be completely vulnerable (sp?)
yea..vulnerability is an issue.
not that being naked isn't ultimate vulnerability..but hey, if i don't initiate or go balls out, then i''m still kind of guarded.
jesus christ, that makes no sense huh?
quit bitchin' about your "shitty" body. that makes scumbag angry. scumbag doesn't like being angry. scumbag thinks yer hot. why am i talking in the third person? scumbag is stupid.
awwww shane...it's even more weird that you refer to yourself in the third person as your screen name.
$600 on a v.cleaner? Holy moses! And lip gloss is a must have...but yeah that one seems a bit expensive.
His eyes render you helpless...wow... I mean really wow...that is a good thing as much as it can be bad.
I love the reandomness. I was random last night too. Sometimes you have to.
That is all for now :)
-N
Will: haha i love the fact you give advice..and you give good advice, so shut it! haha drunk commenting..drunk blogging..people are probably getting a great idea of we cleveland folks, huh? although it's a correct idea..hmmm
Kristen: all that matters. you are my sunshine! my only sunshine! tee hee
You make me happy....
Nat: no shit huh?! but, i have two pets and debillitating allergies..so, i can't escape paying a shitload for a vacuum cleaner. and this one is the best on the market for sucking up pet fur. i researched it like a mother fucker..and let me tell you..it is one dorky dorky feeling when you're intently and adamantly researching vac. cleaners for over an hour. sombering, really :)
the eye thing? yea, it's bad. don't like that i can't think badly of him in light of him having the most fucking kind eyes i've ever seen. uch! that ass bastard.
Inner sex vixen, let thyself out. I'm sure we can find you help.
No, I'm not drunk.
just talk to me hedge..and she'll come flying out, i guarantee ;)
and you lie!! fuckin lush!
Fuckin' lush? Hmm, what could that mean?
And I AM talking to you. Is she coming out, hey? hey?
Walking into the kitchen repetively and forgetting what you were going for?
Short term.
BUT, I don't think it's from the gonja, I think it's from the fact that you pack your head with words like "antipodal".
Can I get something outta yer fridge pls?
Oh, and as for antipodal...excellent.
You know that Aus/NZ are called the antipodes, yeah?
Hedge: have a few more vodkas and i'm sure you'll figure out what it means..and i mean vocal speech, my dear..the mighty typed word can only do so much.
Em: i'm the queen of walking into the room and not remembering why. better yet, i always put shit where it doesnt belong; ie: i put my silverware in the microwave, instead of the dishwasher last night. genius aren't i? you can do whatever you want to my fridge, by the way ;)
Trix: haha not a bad idea, but i'm thinking i'd have to wait a bit more than a day to get him to buy me a vac, huh? i will get that lipgloss..oh yes! it will be mine.
Hedge: i did NOT know that. the antipodes? how neat!
Wow. That was a lot of writing.
I never learned how to type, so I have to use my pointy fingers and write short posts. Someday...
Actually Elle, they do call that brilliance...
Most geniuses cannot find the basic mental capacity to remember how to tie their shoes.
But they can break down scientific elements and invent some of the greatest technology and innovative break-throughs of our time.
Shheeeeiiiit, just look at Al Gore!
I don't wear tie shoes, you shouldn't either.. buckles are good. Slip on's rock...
um
i got nothin'
but? *huggs*
Ohhh pick me to help clear up that red bull and vodka!!!
And as for HIM...I personally like them, but then again that's just me.
Hey, hey now... playing devil's advocate is a very important task and might just be the reason that people keep coming to you for advice!
When one is in search of a resolution, one should consider all aspects and ramifications of that resolution. That's where you come in with your counterpoints. It's an important role you play!
Also? Get the lipgloss. Your favourite is always worth it.
the ultimate honor would be to fight Chuck Norris..... and lose of course.
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