an introverted kind of soul, the earth did open and swallow whole. and the extroverted kind of girl did tour the world with m.c. i'm just fine.

i think my doorman thinks i'm a whore.

no, seriously! i honestly believe he thinks i'm some kind of strumpet with so many notches in my bedpost i just need a whole new fuckin bed frame. and he's not completely unjustified in thinking that i'm a slootchie, actually. i can totally see how he could come up with that kind of conclusion from the oustide looking in.

how?

well, before he was the subject of my "i think i'm a disappointment to him" post of last week, a friend of mine would come over at the oddest hours of the night. we're talking like 3am on a wednesday here people...those kind of late night encounters just don't make me look...well...uhh..pure?

then there's the fact that most of my friends are guys, and even though i have like four friends in the cleveland area..they're all guys. so

me+downtown apartment+drunken friends who were downtown
=
them coming over to crash at like 3am, frequently

and if it's not my friends i'm letting into the building, it's me returning from a pointless shitty date with the guy i went out with. i come back to my place mostly because i'm not really digging them, but not hating them to the point of just telling them "yea this isn't going to go anywhere, sorry"...so, i shlep them to my place, so i can be in my comfort zone while i feel the asshole out...besides, i'm a night owl, so my nights don't end until the sun comes up..and i always welcome amusement and someone to chill with during those wee twilight hours. oh, and not to mention the wide variety of shit to do in cleveland after last call....yea..nothing. so, my place is a peachy keen alternative.

so, from the perspective of the doorman...it's pretty fuckin blatant that i'm a slut. i mean, c'mon..every night at some ungodly morning hour, i let in one of the same four guys, and then on the weekends i'm with a different guy everynight...from that perspective?

I'M A FUCKIN' WHORE!

but, in reality? yea not so much. bit of a prude....perception..such a mother fucker eh?

and..moving on to my normal unrelated bullshit....i'm done with the therapist.

yup, no more. no longer going, dunzo!

telling me the blatantly obvious fact that i have difficulty concentrating and am a hypre spazz is just fine..saying i should try medication to see if they do in fact help me calm down a bit, and make my brain stop fluttering around at the speed of light is peachy fuckin keen...

but digging around and trying to make something out of the rather bad car accident i was when i was 14 is just going too far.

if anything, never living anywhere longer than four years had FAR more reaching effects on me than a stupid car accident did..and they glossed right over that one...and went straight for the easy target...

so, while i was sitting on the couch, with the lights dimmed and a fuckin in fountain flowing the background (yea, i laughed my ass off when i first stepped into his "office" and was like "no shit, it's like tv! that's hilarious"..which he didn't find to amusing..oops), answering what ever questionshe were thrown my way in the most evasive and inconclusive manner i possibly can--seeing as that's how i roll, even when i'm paying to talk about the shtuff it seems--the fact he kept pushing me to talk about the car accident just pissed me the fuck off.

did almost dying and being a pseudo science experiment have some effect on me? yea, no shit it did..but has it fucked up my inner workings to the point of me having some kind of deficiency in life or long standing psychological problems?

no...and...no!

so i rather nicely told him off--after telling him that topic wasn't up for discussion to begin with a few times--and walked on out of the office. 'tis the end, there is no more.

i don't have post traumatic stress disorder, i'm not depressed over what happend, i don't have lesser self perception because oh no! i have scars from surgery...or whatever else they kept prying and prying to have me answer in the affirmative.

it happend, i did what i had to..the end.

why do poeple insist it can't be that easy?! why does everything have to result in some kind of long standing problem or harm? shit happens..if you can't deal with it and move on with your life, then you have some issues...but if you can just go on with life and merely shrug it off as just the way things went (and go through the normal course of being depressed and pissy or whatever other emotional baggage goes witht he situation) well then i think you're just fine.

i may seemingly be a fuckin slut...but i'm mentally fine...

well...as mentally fine as a mid twenties cynical girl can be...

hmmmmm....fuck it, at least i'm average? haha