a heart that's full up like a landfill, and all the bruises that won't heal. no one will speak for me so i'll just take a handshake of carbon monoxide

first..sorry if this post is kind of scattered...my mind is in about 40 different places at the moment, and none of them relate in any way shape or form...so..yea..i'm having a significantly harder time staying on one topic for a minimal amount of time today..

good! glad we got that out of the way...

so, my mother yesterday got into a "i want to have a mommy daughter talk" mood..which i'm always cool with, seeing as my momma cracks my shit up like no other

oh, and i have this huge guilt complex over not being a great daughter to my mom.

i don't mean "great daughter" in the sense i'm some pregnant crack addicted whore....or that i could care less about her, or that i've totally abandoned my family or anything like that. nay nay! i love my mother more than words could ever express, as well as the rest of my family, and i try my best to make sure she's happy..which includes doing all the gift buying/flower shopping for my dad and brother on all those crucial days....

but i'm not a great daughter in the sense that i'm not a talker. unlike my brother who is a complete and utter open book about his life, as y'all know when it comes to me? not so much. and i know it irks my mother that i leave things at the bare minimum in detail..and i know it bothers her that i don't talk to her about my dates or what's going on in my life, or what's bothering me/making me overcome with glee at the moment...(albeit, my dates are always pointless so no point in telling her about that in my mind)...etc. because, isnt' that what mothers and daughters do? gossip, and talk?

regardless, she called yesterday in a talkative mood--one that's been pretty omnipresent since her return from houston where she got to spend three lovely weeks observing the girl my brothers dating--and what was the topic on her mind? oh yea, how much the girl my brother is dating sucks and is wrong for him, and how he's an idiot blah blah blah blah....point blank: i'm rather sick of my mom, dad, and brother bitching to me about that girl ..but, what can ya do? prefer it to having any attention on me, myself..though...

so i tuned in..i tuned out...i answered some e-mails..read a few pages of my homework assignment...chimed in randomly in his defense/her defense every now and then..and told my mom she had some decent points every few times she took a break from talking to breath...and this went on for about 1.5 hours..with sprodic moments of "elka! why are you single? why don't you try to meet somebody? you aren't getting any younger" and me going into my normal "it happens it happens, if not..i got time" shpeel....and then things shifted gears a little bit and the topic of their retirement came up..

no big deal. my parents are at that age where they need to think about this kind of thing..but then she said something that kind of made everything going on in my head and in the world around me stop:

"well, we're looking at florida at the moment because the market is going down a bit, and should go down more. but, gary finishes his program in two years, so we're just going to wait and see where he ends up starting a practice. i mean if it's somewhere cold, we'll have to do the six month rotation thing..and hopefully you'll be able to live nearby."

i know that my brother is more advanced in his career, and his employment opportunities, though vast, are longterm...unlike mine which pretty much are for as long as i want and where i want. i know he's the oldest..and he's the son. i know that his career is going to supercede that of his wife's, whereas i'll have to take into account the career of my husband (if i ever get married, that is). i know i'm kind of a butterfly in the sense that i am a product of the childhood i had, and i like to move around a lot..and i'm impulsive about it for the most part, rather than rational...

but for some reason, that statement just made me absolutely ache inside and my heart kind of felt bruised for the rest of the day.

o-well.

oh...and what the fuck is it with guys trying their fuckin hardest to out smart me? yea great..i'm a chick..i have a brain...fantastic...it's really not winning you any points when you sit there and challenge my intellect (or lack thereof). if you're smarter than me, congrats...no where do i say or give off the impresion that i'm some hollier than thou intellectual. i think i'm a fuckin retard and would rather talk about perverted sexual goofball scnearios than engage in some debate about augmented reality (although, don't take that the wrong way mick..had a blast with that convo..promise).... anyway... stop trying to get me into some debate about god knows what and feel all accomplished when i stop giving a shit and falter in some way..or i just don't know about what you're talking about...it's fuckin annoying!

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anyway..'tis hnt..and i really have no reasoning behind these pics other than the titty pics have got to be getting old..

so, first things first:

i'm fuckin super impressed with the resolution on my camera phone. i mean..this is pretty fuckin good, no? in other news, i finally bought into the color stay lip color bullshit craze thing..and ya know what? i kinda like it..cause, when i actually do take the time to put that shit on (yes, i really am that lazy, and i really see no point in getting all dolled up to sit in a lecture hall or a library)..my lips stay all shiny and purdy all day...and who doesn't love shiny purdy lips?!

and speaking of shiny purdy lips....how about some overkill on it?!

yayyyy! look at me grrrrr baby! it's like a drag queen elvis, huh? hah!..oh! and please people..i'm well aware that i have super white teeth...pretty much we've all been over this...and you've all commented on it..don't give me shit over it. it's just odd...not to mention fucking wrong... to be self conscious about having naturally super white teeth!