alright....
whoever the fuck ryan dunberys is (and yea i know i butchered the last name)..you need to get a massive case of explosive diarrhea...
who the fuck do you think you are? using both the westlaw and lexis printers to print out your copious amounts of shit? you choose one or the other...you can't fuckin monopolize both printers so i can sit there and play "wade through your infinite amount of shit on tort reform while i try and find the three pages of shit i printed out for my trademark dilution paper"
that's not how the game works. it even says that's not how the game works: "please use one search site for printing purposes" is right over the fucking printers you fucktard! i got shit to do..and wading through your amass of tort reform bullshit so i can get to my paperwork doesn't qualify as the aforementioned shit.
GRR!! that pissed me off!
anyway....my paper is going nowhere pretty fast....and after printing out about 200 pages of information about trademark economics and the doctrine of dilution..i still have no fucking clue how to write my paper...so..i figure why not fuckin blog and waste more precious time! YAY!!
basically, i've been sucking at the law school thing all semester..and i'm not sure if it's because i'm just burnt out on school and giving a shit about my grades......if my ADD has finally taken an insurmountable toll on me and i just can't focus on anything lately (which is true)...or if i just don't really want to do this with my life...
and if it's the latter?
well, not like i have any options outside of being a lawyer available to me..so that's pretty inconsequential to my plight in general..
and yea..i've been in school for eighteen years straight now...i'm beyond burnt out on the idea of education...
the ADD, however, i've been sturggeling with for a long long time...but most of my educational career i really haven't had to sit down and ingest stuff. i've been blessed with a really good memory, and that's what most of my undergrad was: vomit up what it is i just told you in a well put together essay. thus, i never really did any work and always got myself an "a".
but now? now i have to actually sit down and not just remember what happened, and why..but i have to know how to apply it and i have to understand how tiny minutae can totally shift a legal analysis...and that's where i'm having trouble. why? because i can't make myself sit down and work through it. i do enough to just get by, because that's all i can really bare to do. i've never been able to sit down and just do something...i need distractions....and those crucial distractions to me getting shit done, are the very distractions that are now leading me to not do as well as i should be..
which frustrates the shit out of me..because i do, in fact, know my shit.i know for a fact i know more than the majority of the people in my class. moreover, i have no problems at all applying what i learned in a work-place setting over the summer....
yet, where i flounder is when i'm on a time table and i have nothing to do but sit there and write. i can't just sit down and write out my exams....i need some kind of distraction to help me concentrate....
and thus i'm in a shitty position. my parents don't believe in ADD, which is why i've never been on medications for it even though i was diagnosed with it by five different physicians in the various school districts i was enrolled in....and i really have no idea how to go about seeing if i should be on medications for it at the current moment in time ....in part because i'm on my parents medical insurance, and mostly because i have no experience with this kind of thing.
nor am i 100% okay with the fact that i may need medications to actualize my full potential......that's just not a really good feeling.
but i'm tired of feeling like i'm just not capable of doing as well as i'm expected to in law school..and i'm beyond tired of looking around at the idiots i call my peers and knowing that they rank higher than me for no other reason than the fact i can't make my brain focus on one thing long enough to get above a fuckin "b+" on any exam i take..
i'm stuck in between a shitty place and a shittier place. what's a girl to do? defy her parents, get on meds and have to admit to herself that she can't do it without some kind of medical help? or suck it up and just keep trying...coming up short, and feeling like a failure?
bleh!
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16 comments:
Awww.... I was hoping your trip would refresh the mind, body and soul...
Hang in there! You are in the final stretch of the school year!
XXOO,
JTL
well, least you know what's got you down now?
what keith said. your parents don't get to know what gets prescribed for you the insurance company does. go see a doctor and get a referral for a psychiatrist who specialises in adult add and then see.
if the drugs work at least you know, and you also know that you DON'T need them for work. so it's a temporary fix.
at least go talk to someone elle.
Mel: haha i have summer school, and two more years left...but at least the bulk of it's done :)
Keith: but arguablly, ADD isn't a chemical imbalance...i mean, my parents attributed my lack of attention span to me just being bored and under-stimulated...so they put me in more advanced classes so i'd have to work a litte bit harder. i'm hat's not what has me in a funkreally not sure what i'm going to do. i sort of feel like an idiot talking to my general physician about this. i'm 23, i shouldn't need medical help to get my work done...
Sass: actually, really not what's had me down as of late. it's added to it, but it's something i brush off most of the time. like i said to Keith, i really am not sure how to go about it. i'm not even sure i can bring it up with my general physician because he's good friends with my parents, and he's of the same thought process as my parents. i can't even really talk about it with my brother, because, once again, i feel rather embarassed...i'm 23, i've made it to law school..what do i need medication for to help me study? it can easily be dismissed as me having a lack of drive, or self discipline to just sit down and do what i need to do. the converse of it all is that, i'm not 100% sure that if i did in fact go to my parents with this with the express claim that it will make me do better academically, if they'd be adamantly against it. right now, i'm kind of in the process of seeing how to go about getting an evaluation and starting the process of seeing how it goes. it's not something that affects my day to day life, it's just something that is now starting to affect my academic life
oh, and while my parents cannot talk to my physicians about my prognosis or whatever, they do end up paying the bill. and they do see what perscriptions i pay for..so they'd know.
this might sound trite and banal ... but do what you gotta do to do what you wanna do.
that's me, mr. deep t-shirt motto
:oD
Hint #1- don't print your west/lexis stuff... ever. Save it to a disc or memory stick or whatever. Takes print asses out of the loop & you can cut-n-paste quotes.
As for keeping your focus... try music association study. It actually works. If you want an explanation, stop by my blog.
If you think exams are hard, there is a really big one at the end of the road, that means everything. You will need all your focus.
Keith: i know the legal implications of confidentiality. i also know the legal implications of the fact that my mother does in fact have power of attorney over me..so with that, the confidentiality kind of goes bye-bye, seeing as she has a legal right (with my signature) to meddle in any of my medicak affairs until i'm 25.
Dzer: that's actually my mentality. so thank you :) i needed to hear that
Will: compliation of inspirational shit? should i be worried? is this you masterbating with the rubber duckey again?!!
Knight: i don't find my exams hard. i find them fun, actually. i just find it hard to stay focused on the subject at hand consistently for three hours. which yes, translates to me being really apprehensive about the bar exam..not because of the material or the amass of info..that i'll have no problems with..it's just me staying focused for three days on one medium of expression with no distractions to help me along.
Do what you need to do. Whatever that is. It's your life. Not your parents. And even though it takes a very long time to realize that fact, it's true. If you feel like taking ridiline would help you, try it. I had to take the stuff when I was in grade school. I hated it. I had to march down to the office with all the rejects in the school and stand in line with Tony, the kid who couldn't stop putting things up his nose to receive my daily dosage of sit and concentrate in a handy pink tablet.
But it did help me. I caught up with and then quickly passed all of my school mates in my work. I found a sense of confidence in my brains ability to learn that carried me through the rest of my school years without meds. A crutch isn't a bad thing if you need it. Just so long as you remember that you will be walking on your own again soon.
ROTFL @ printer fiasco hehehehe
Awww Elle, darling...I am on the fence on the ADD thing. I do believe that some of it can be real but I have met so many kids who use that as an excuse for not paying attention, etc. Well, that is obviously not YOUR issue cause you kick ass and are in law school, which is a major fucking accomplishment.
But I am also on the fence about meds. Well you know how meds can totally fuck you up. But then there are meds that can save your life. I have a friend who is bipolar...without the meds, the girl is a fucking mess. And it's all chemical, so she needs to stay on those meds...like...for life. And she hates the meds cause they mess with her system. She gets hungry all the time and gets sleepy really early and other stuff...but then if she even tries to get off them, she has a manic episode or some psychotic break and ends up in the hospital under observation. So the meds are like a necessary evil.
ADD, as far as I understand, is not as destructive as being bipolar...but it can certainly seem like a burden when trying to get shit done. So I guess Ella Bella...it's going to be a case of choosing the lesser of two evils.
*hugz*
-N
God damnit! Murphy always beats me to the good ideas!
Murphy does have a valid point....
I admire you though...18 years of school is impressive.
LSD: i made an appointment to be evaluated for it. no harm in seeing if it's all in my head, or it really is an issue, right?
Nat: no harm in seeing what a doctor says though, right? if it comes down to medications, well then...get to that hurdle when i get to it.
Murph: have to clean up anymore puddles?
Emma: i'll ignore him, like i always do, for your sake haha
Kristen: it's a long ass time to be shoving shit down your throat to spew back up....no wonder i have an ulcer haha
oh murph..i'm thirsty...i'm going to need a lot more than a lick
Will...darling..get back on the meds. for serious!
hah that's kind of funny Guerilla...seeing as i made myself pho for lunch :)
just feel free to email me back...k thanks.
Come to Las Vegas and engage in debachery with me.
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