it's here. ahhhhh yes. valentine's day. so let's just get this over with and start out by saying:
yes. thank you myspace, for giving me a few great reasons to be thankful, and to remember why it is i am single......which would be that i have standards...damn me!
**note: these are actual people, and their actual e-mails copy and pasted in their original form. that means the typo's are not mine..so no giving me shit. also, this is not to say i haven't met cool people on that bastard website (this would be you justin and chris), but..well, the majority? well this whole thing should speak for itself.
reason number one: mike.
he e-mails me, not with "hello", not with "nice profile", not with "wassup"...but..he asks me what i'm up to for the night. i reply that i'm going to be doing homework. and then the fun begins: "do you think i could steal you wasy for dinner??" i reply, no thanks. his follow up: "Hey, i would be game to spend time with you. so, tell me why such a beautiful woman like yourself is single" i respond that i choose to be single. "so tell me what kind of guys you like".....i reply that i have no type, i like you i like you, if not, next please. he responds "well i like you! that matter? So where do you live? Would it be to much to ask for your number"...so, to be nice i kind of say that i'm new to myspace and i'm just not cool with giving out that kind of info until i know someone more. he replies: "So i guess i struck out twice with you. How would you get to know someone by just typing? What if I was a great guy? Wouldn't you want to fgind out?? Well, I hope the best for you. I alos hope maybe someday you migth be willing to let me take you out? You seem like a great person."
let me just say....wow. to start, this is the first guy who e-mailed me on myspace...and by first, i mean about 5 minutes after i officially posted my profile. regardless....asking girls out who you know nothing about? feeling let down when they say no? following up that tragic let down with the hope of getting her number? it's a fucking website you douchebag, not a bar! i'm not on there to meet "great guy's" and learn all about them....i'm on there because i got about 50 invites and i got sick of getting them...oh, and i was drugged up when mr. nick told me he was setting up his page. so, uhhh..better luck with the next chick, homeboy.
reason number two: weird foreign people.
"hii..i am HUSEYIN...i am a university student in TURKEY...i live in BANDIRMA.i LiKE swimming, and watersports....do you want to speak with me**?????? kelebek_etkisil905@hotmail.com okay?? you send me yours okay?? i am online now. i a waiting your message ok and i am 21 years old..."
i got about four foreigners that e-mailed me. at least this one was in english. does it scare anyone else that his english is a lot better than the other people showcased in this post..who speak english as their native tongue? jesus!
reason number three: jimmy, johnny, ryan, justin, danny, rob, and jeremy
jimmy: "I like your profile and your style! I am a funny,caring and down to earth. I like to have fun,play sports and relax at the beaches and outdoors. I like all kinds of food and music. Write me if you interest in talking?"
alright. typo's aside. i don't need your life story...i dont' know you. you don't know me. start with a "hi" before you go off on some tangent spouting off why you should be emailed back, which just happens to be engaging in the most boring things in the world. oh..and it's interested, not interest. dumbass!
johnny: "are u single? doing anything tomorrow? can we maybe go out sometime?"
yea, uhhhh who the fuck are you? yea, exactly. i have no idea. with that? thanks for the offer, but uhhh little to pathetic for me...k? k!
apparently the more t's you put after the word hot, the more you mean it. woot! instant message him people, doesn't he just seem like an engaging, intelligent human being? he just seems to swell!
justin: "Hey just wanted to show you some lovin girl. I think you are gorgeous so you should get back at me so we can get to know each other better. much love"
alright, this one isn't horrible. but still...get to know each other better? a bit tacky. alright, i give..this one, all in all, isn't horrible. props to you boy!
danny: "Hello how r u I saw your profile and I like what I see was wondering if the attraction was mutual May be we can get to know each other better. Hey I go to csu so we probably could meet at school if u would like."
wow. "we could meet at school"...isn't that assuming a lot? i mean, i haven't even said one word to you and here you are planning our meeting? creeeeeepy creeepy!
and you are, who? yea, that's right..i have no fucking idea who you are...and yet, you think about me and are asking me to come out and play? say it with me---PATHETIC!
"hi, i'm jeremy. i have no friends and nothing to offer the opposite sex but a rock hard 2 inches of pleasure." yea, you have fun with that dude...have a blast finding that "nice girl" to get to know better.
vet0: "I'm Tony, 23, single, italian, metal-head (play guitar/ sing) I'm from Broadview Heights OH 44147 and if interested hit me up for sure I'd luv to hang out sometime, my AIM is Metzombie1 or u can just call me whenever u want (today if ur free! :) ) my .. is 440 838 5932 . "
look ma!! i got a phone number! obviously this kid didnt get the memo that you shouldn't give out personal information freely on the internet. tsk tsk. if you feel like making prank calls..go for it...or even better, give it out to the dude's/chick's that you aren't interested in next time you go out. have a party with it!
he started out kind of normal. but, as always, shit got freaky. after he expressed that he was still a virgin (hah, hard to figure out why), he went on to say this: "i will say I am probably the best kisser EVER!, try me and you'll see. :-)" so, i say no thanks. "ok, how about this. we meet, kiss...and if I am not that best kisser then we stop right there, I leave your place and I don't bug you again". uhhh yea, i say no again. then about ten minutes later i get "So do you want me yet? hehe.."
jesus christ! no wonder you're a virgin....what is this? middle school "dude i am the best kisser like EVER!!!" lord all-fucking-mighty. and assuming i'd let you come over to smooch me to prove it? good god, how many times did your parents drop you on your head when you were a child?! i mean there's no game, and there's pathetic...and then...well dear ty....there's you. so sad.
reason number five: the senior citizens with respect to me being all of 23
allen; age-35: "You are a very attractive woman hun!!!, Are you single and lookin hun???? Because id be greatfull to have a woman like you !!!"
you're 35 fucking years old man. and apparently 35 years of being shot down by women has taught you nothing. for shame!
jim; age-42: "Hi, I would like to meet you! Can we chat?"
your wish is my command! jesus. dude! you're old enough to be my father for christ's sake..take your hard-on elsewhere..hopefully where people are over 30.
dominic; age-38: " you seem really down to earth and fun filled! i think we should talk or meet sometime. i dont mind if you dont but let me know ok?"
you're 38..and yet my two year old cousin has better sentence structure. just takes rueful to a whole new level.
mario; age-39: "hi whats up my name is mario and i was looking to chat. i am a down to earth guy that likes to have fun when i have the time to. i keep myself in good shape, i eat healthy and work out regularly. i try to maintain an active life style so if this interests you gey back with me"
what is there to say? he keeps in good shape, so he must be a keeper! i don't need to know your health regime, asshole. and once again..old enough to be my dad....that's just sick!
anyway! happy valentines day y'all! spend it with someone you love, or spend it with an ice cream flavor you adore!
and just for good measure..here are a few other cute anti-valentines day cards i found :)
25 comments:
Valentines Day is my birthday it SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSoooooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooooooo does not suck.
I get presents so it's all good.
By the way where's my tattoo shot Elle?
You don't have to sign up for My Space to get "chicks like this". You just have to be a normal guy.
I'm one of those "senior citizens" I suppose, but I really just read your blog because I think you're funny.
Oops, I did comment on your overall hotness, didn't I? Sorry.
Valentine's Day sucks, gags, and pukes all over big fat porn cock.
On that note...I LOVE YOU, MAN! Happy Shove-This-Valentine-Up-Your-Ass Day!
-El Dude-O
Thank you for taking care of V-day so I didn't have to.
And thank you for documenting each wonderful online match. That just proves how desperate dudes can get. Thank you thank you thank you.... ah hahahahaha
Mike: happy birthday! but today still sucks if you're single. sorry babe. and hopefully thursday i'll get a tat pic..and if all else fails, i'll come through with some sort of boob shot.
murph: shut it, or i'll share the ball pics ;) i thought i was the only girl for you? goddamnit murph..you lead me on like such an asshole, then ditch me the first sign of some underage slut poon. god love you! and happy valentines day back at you, crotchstain.
Yournamehere: you don't count. you are skeevy and on myspace, therefore, you are a-okay in my book. comment as you wish and as you see freely, please :)
DUDE! right back at ya. bastard ass holiday!
Keith: a+ for the effort man, too bad god gifted you with a brain..oh, and tact. oops.
RUS: i want to hear you're sorry over and over again as you lick me from head to toe.
Wes: anytime, and happy v-day ;)
Yay, Go cynicism. That'll get you a husband...
:P
for shame elle you promised us tats
AWESOME CARDS!
mike: remember when you asked me why i have trouble finding men to date? what elle said.
So I have carte blanche to be a dirty old man? That's all I ever wanted.
fuck me I'm an old-ass 37-year-old man.
thanks!
Sass: Which part, all of it? Yikes.
mike: *nod*
Hedge: hey! someone's gotta love me..cynacism and all ;)
Sass: i will hopefully make with the tats! but if not, not a bad consolation?! and thank you, i'm rather partial to the cards myself!
YournNameHere: carte blanche granted...do what you want, say what you want...s'all i ever ask for.
RUS: point?
Dzer: alright! the old thing was taken out of context. i don't think 35 is to old for me to date per se..if we meet and hit it off...but i think men who actively seek out 23 year old chicks when they are over 35..as they do on dating websites.and..myspace....well, yea..kinda wrong!
Victoryia: i get your point, and for the most part i whole heartedly agree. however, it's the execution that takes this out of simply putting yourself out there, and puts them into the realm of "creepy, and weird". i don't care if they say i'm hot, i don't care if they comment on my boob shot (which i did put up there for this purpose..i admit), what i think it just amusing as all hell is how they go about things. the guys who actually say "hi, how are you?" or "great pics, how was your weekend"...have a much better chance at things than flat out asking if you want to go out to dinner, or saying "we so have to meet up" from the get go, ya know? that's what makes the situation so desperate..they wear their expectations on their sleeves before the expectation should ever be there. perhaps it's the way of the internet, perhaps it's that much easier when you get to hide behind a computer screen...but that's what i was getting at. it's not pathetic or sad that they e-mailed me, or would like to get to know me...what makes it sad is the fact they just take it a step to far without having any reason. if it's all about "tone", then "hey how are you" convey's a lot more than "hey, you're hot, we should meet up, call me!" in every sense of the word. that said, i actually am not a flirt. at all. even in person, i don't flirt. i'm blunt, to the point..and painfully honest, even when i'm interested in a guy. i also am negative about men, to a point. i admit that, whole heartedly, but i have fairly good reasons to not be all hearts and candy-tastic about men, until they prove they aren't like the other douchebags. and i agreed with sass..valentines day is about showing those you care about, that you care about them..which is why i bought all my friends in the area little gifts etc..to show them i appreciate them in my life. i don't think it's about having some asshole to go out with. never did, for a second. would be nice though, i have to admit.
MJ: awesome checklist, might i borrow it? happy valentines day darlin!
Sweets: oh whatever. you aren't old. and like i said to D, it's not that it's too old in a dating sense, it's that it's creepy that they are searching out younger women. i love you, you know that. shut it, and have a happy valentines day ;)
hi me am 27 year old rocker dude wanna chat i'm a good at kissing and getting caught in the rain? you look very attractive. we can meet up. happy valentines!!! smooches ;)
I'm a 31 year old bi-sexual nymphomaniac that wants to eat you like an eclair. I am not a good kisser, I don't have proper sentence structure, I think you're hotttttttttttttttttttttt.
oh, and I'm a virgin (not really). Alright fine, I'm from Mexico and I do the donkey dance... jesus, freakin' myspace!
IM me sometime, we can chat...
K, that's the best I can do without telling you my life story. You think you'd bite on it?
tee HEE.... bite.on.it.
k, just a nibble...
I love you buttah, happy v-day and who knew there were so many fucked up testo-naughts in the dating scene..
sheesh.
I love your pessimistic guts. Awesome rant, elle.
You seem to not be looking for a very wide range of guys tripping over their um... stuff to get your attention.
"Behind every good woman lies a trail of men."
Shane: i want you so bad right now, it's sick.
Trix: that's the best offer i've gotten all day. I AM SO DOWN!!
Em: i knew. i'm dating them one at a fuckign time it seems.
Will: heh, you are old huh? ;)
Hubris: awwwwww, i love you too *hugs*
Na: right back at you hubbykins
Happy Fake Love Day :)
Woohoo I am glad to see I am not the only one who has to suffer the idiots online.
That's a nice selection you have going there. Colourful, yet all different tones of ass. :)
-N
Elle- I called up that vet0 guy. Dude wouldn't answer his phone :(
so I left a little message :)
hehe
And can I pleeease imagine Em doing wonderful things to & with you!?
Men are scum. I'm gonna become a dyke.
Who's with me?
Myspace rules!
Hope it was a good one despite those shitty guys. You have single handedly cemented my awful opinion of Myspace. Did you know that online predators find poeple there? Yep. Saw it on 20/20. Crazy fucking psychos are everywhere. Check my blog out for proof! SSII is the title. The dude sent me an email and then put the shit in my comments. That's not even the half of it. You can never be too careful, and you better be careful. You are too interesting and funny to be lost to one of these weirdos! Keep on keeping on. Grillz does suck, I'm just happy that Paul Wall is showcased. He's a Houston boy reppin' his city.
Hello how r u I saw your profile and I like what I see was wondering if the attraction was mutual...couldnt get you out of mind last night,thinking allnight how gorgeous you are. will you come out and play with me?
Yours truly,
Dr. Timothy Cannibal, M.D., Ph.D., CEO, M.B.A., N.B.A., etc.
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