coming home to absolutely nothing is a surreal experience...
it's an experience that knocks the wind out of you every single time....
it's an experience you just don't get used to....
trust me. after six years of returning to nought, it still leaves me prying for air, and longing for something.
but that something is always obscured by the single fact that self loathing is an addiction. once you cross the line...once you assign fault to yourself in a single situation...it becomes a habit...and old habits die hard...especially ones that always give you an answer, someone to blame, some place to put fault, and a reason why...
even if all paths lead to you...and inveigle you as the enemy.
and that's where i am now. that's the position in time i find myself at....at this very moment....and i just don't see what all the fuss is about. after a three hour conversation about how i'm not always the one worth leaving, how i'm a great person, how i'm a catch and worthwhile, and *they* were idiots for giving up and discarding a "truly good hearted and awesome person which is so rare to find"...i find myself still at the same conclusion:
why the fuck do i need to love myself? what have i done that's so fucking incredible that i warrant my own self-respect?
...and don't give me that bullshit saying that "no one will love you unless you love yourself"...because you know what? i don't see how the two fucking correlate at all. it's not my choice if someone likes me, and it's certainly not my choice if someone loves me.....regardless of how much self-love, self-like, and self-respect i have...*you* make the choice of whether *you* like me or not..and it honestly has nothing to do with how i think of myself because, lets face it...how many of our friends/acquaintances/loved ones do *you* truly know? and even if *you* do know them insanely well..do you know every single thought they have?
i think not.
and it's not like i introduce myself as elle-the-self-depricating-and-loathing-queen. most people who know me think i'm a goofball who is never serious, never gets offended, never takes anything to heart, and is usually not bothered by anything.
frankly, i like it that way...
95% of the time i am that way...and depth of character is overrated..especially when trustworthy/worthwhile people are so hard to come-by.
people, in general, are shit...so why add to them my own detritus?
so fine. i keep how i feel about most things a secret....with the occasional slip up and almost immediate recovery and brush off........what is so wrong with that?
why do i have to cherish myself? love myself? oogle and fawn and pat myself on the back for every expected task i complete or mediocre accomplishment i've had thus far? isn't it better to consantly strive to be better? to be more? to go above and beyond the expected and mediocre? to internalize the past, even if your version points the finger at you, alone, and adjust accordingly?
i'm rather proud of the fact i can admit that i don't like who i am....
i'm rather proud of the fact that i can admit that i've done absolutely nothing with my life that warrants approval from myself or anyone around me...because everything i've done has been expected in one way or another....
why?
because i at least have the balls to admit it to myself and not place myself on an unwarranted pedastal like so many people do.....
fuck loving yourself.
there's so much more you can be than what you are now....
why settle?
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18 comments:
ooh-rah!! kinda ... LOL
I don't love myself either ... though I'm often in awe of my own abilities and puzzled why more people don't recognize my greatness.
also ... where would we, as a civilization, be if no one ever settled? We'd all be nomads, always on the move ... and thus there would be no home sports teams ... which means no sports ... dammit!
welcome home, darlin' ...
is there warning signs that come before break down or does it just come?
Elle-
I feel you. I think we have all felt that way at some point. And you absolutely are better off than peple who have fake love for themselves...those who walk around pretending to like who they are.
But also, that awareness is not exclusive of loving. I mean...I love myself but there are things I don't like about myself and I know I can be better.
Does that make sense? Ugh...maybe not. Brain had been farting lately.
But I am very happy you are back, though :)
-N
There is a lot of empowerment in being able to share authentically as you do in your post. Much better than fake self love.
hey elle welcome home, how was the snow?
okay here's the thing, faking self love is worse than faking an orgasm ... hell it's worse than faking an orgasm with yourself (does anyone do that? *grin*)
that said, disrespecting yourself sucks just as much. basically you are the voice you are most willing to listen to and if all that voice ever says is 'you suck' or 'you're lazy' or 'you'll never amount to much' or 'insert shitty self image like statement here' then you become like a self fulfilling prophecy.
so (for example) while i am constantly striving to have more patience i am ALSO constantly striving not to say to myself 'you fucking impatient useless twat' ... so at least be nice to yourself okay?
it's okay to want to improve, we ALL want that... just don't beat yourself up too much because that just makes it harder to do what you want in life...
*steps off soapbox and back into own head full of self doubt and self deprecation*
(but really it's 100 times better than it was)
:)
self acceptance... nice.
that's just what i was trying to say and you nailed it.
when you catch yourself doing the hate on yourself you can force yourself to stop. you don't have to force yourself to like yourself but at least learn to be NICER.
self acceptance is like an admittance of defeat though...
yes, there are some things that are just stuck the way they are, for better or for worse, and those things you should just accept
but the rest? why?
eh. i'm just trying to make sense out of reality, what i'm told, and what i want out of life.
and this isn't a breakdown...it's more of a "what the fuck does this have to do with anything" in response to getting leaped on by three guys out of nowhere on the flight to ny about my lack of self like....and i couldn't run away from them either.
bastards
*shrugs*
Sorry, but you are totally wrong. People DO pick up on what you think of yourself; whether you elieve it or not is another story.
At the very least liking and accepting who you are brings about a change in attitude about life in general. That changes your bearing, your outlook, the face that you show to the world.
If you are dislikking yourself on the inside, it SHOWS to the outside world. People subconsciously pick up on body language, choice of words, the wry self deprecating smile - subtle things that we've learned to communicate with over millenia.
If you're shouting to the world (literally and figuratively) that you're a bad person - people are likely to veer away.
You're buying your own hype, and others buy it too.
you know i was going to say something like what matt said but you know what? dude he nailed it.
nailed it.
and the older i get the more i realise that i'm the only person i have in the world so i may as well (while striving to improve) like the only friend i for sure have.
cause you know what? i'm a pretty cool chick once i got to know myself... and so are you.
hmmmm.
i think people are reading a bit too much into this.
i accept and like certain things about myself..that's not the issue.
i just don't understand why certain things in my life people look at as these huge accomplishments, and get on my ass for not realizing/understanding/acknowledging that these aspects and events are awe inspiring...for lack of better phrasing. i'm only 23. it's ludacris to think that i've done something great with my life because, in every inspid sense of the word...i'm average and am doing what the rest of the world is doing: getting by.
and that's kind of what i'm unimpressed with. that's what i'm getting at. when did just getting by warrant a giant pat on the back and the delluded sense you accomplished something?
even if from the outside looking in you are at a vantage point, isn't it the perspective from the inside looking out that matters more so?
so why do i have to think the world of myself because i'm somewhat intelligent? because i've made it this far with my education? and why do i get endless amounts of shit from people looking into my own perspective because i can admit to myself and anyone who asks that there's a lot about myself i need to work on, and because of that, i'm not ready to like everything about me?
yarg. i can't articulate worth shit right now.
jus ignore all this! hah! seriously
k um
i am scorpionic? word.
yeah.
will...baby...you just want those cookies i owe you, huh?! kiss ass ;)
Look at the bright side: you are the proud author of one of the longest hyphenated descriptions I have ever read
Here is my point of view: yeah, I love myself and put myself on a pedistal. Mostly because I enjoy masterbating, and I have a rule now about always loving someone you are having sex with. So if I am masterbating, I must love myself. Not deep, but it gets me through the night.
I think I agree with lil leesa above me hear. I read that and laughed my little hieny off. I dont think you have to love yourself buttah, you just can t hate yourself. Holla.
I loved myself twice today already
I think that if you love...or at least like yourself....you're easier to love/like.
U need a lil love in yo life girl... LOL!!!!
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