the decision is that i won't break. and there will be no fight...it may seem cold but you know i'm right. someone must get hurt and it won't be me...

(sorry if this is a repeat for those of you who know about the "other"....but, whatever reservations i had about posting it on the more public forum, long melted away....oh! and let me know if the margins are fucked up (or if they have been for a while)...k? k!)

for those keeping track at home....

yea. mr. too-good-to-be-true and i met this weekend.

and for those keeping track at home.....

i was right, nothing in life can be that golden. why? because he turned out to be an effeminate, insecure, egotistical blubbering idiot who really had nothing more to add to any conversation than questioning my every move, and putting me up higher and higher on some fucked up pedstal he had for me.

if i heard "are you happy i'm here?", or "do you want me to stay?" or "do you want me to kiss you?" one more time, i seriously think i would have gone completely ape shit on him.

if i heard "you really are beautiful, you know that?" or "i'm glad i came, you're a great person", or "i'm having so much fun hanging out with you" one more time, i shit you not, i would have just bludgeoned him to death with the lint brush i carry around in my purse.

and ya know what?

i felt really shitty for the way things worked out. i felt horrible for faking sick so i could get him OUT of my apartment, because ya know what? i didn't have the heart to tell him that i just didn't like him....

at all....

and i spent the better part of sunday and monday just feeling wrought with guilt for not liking him....i felt horrible, and i felt like it was my fault things played out the way they did and i went on this sort of soul-searching endeavor to figure out why i didn't like him.....and i resolved to just not talk about it (blog wise), and leave it alone.

but.....fuck. that.

the minute he got home..what did he post as his away message? that fucking verticle horizen song where the guy sings "he's everything you want, he's everything you need...he means nothing to you and you don't know why"

oh give me a fucking break!

a week of talking, and 24 hours together does not "everything to me" make...so go shove your fucking ego up your ass.

and what really pushed me over the "i'll be diplomatic about this" edge?

he posted an away message monday night responding to the first question i asked him "what is your fatal flaw"..and his response was the he needlessly puts people in positions that they had no business being in.

oooo! burn, via the aim away message!!

so, i called him out on it...told him it gave me warm fuzzies all over (read: you're a douche for publicly stating all this). and his response was that it was just a means of figuring out his own flaws and making ammends so that he may better himself as a person

*insert jerk off motion here* riiiiiiight.

i told him to enjoy the self better-ment, and that entered me into a barrage of shit spewing forth from fingers onto my awesome laptop screen...

he talked about how we need to talk about things because that's the only way they will find resolve...

*insert more jerk off motion here*

so fine...i acquiesced...and i bit my tongue a lot, mind you, while he was here..and while this little convo progressed.

and then it happened.....he showed his idiotic tendancies and inability to read even the most balatant of signs.....yea...he did it......he asked me if i liked him. *gag* and the convo went a little something like this:


him: do you like me? ( we'll make him pretty in girly purple..seeing as he's one effeminate mother fucker)
me: define like.
him: well i know you like me as a person, but do you like me more? enough to pursue something? (way to go asshole! assuming i like you as a person...tsk tsk....don't you know that assumption is the mother of all fuck ups?!!)
me: well, there's no point.
him: ?
me: i work, i go to school..you go to school. it's not worth the effort...it's pointless.
him: well, i don't know if you're just saying that because you actually believe it, or if you're just scared of where this may go. (woooo!! more assumption!! way to rack up the "i'm a fuck-up" points!!)
me: well, it doesn't really matter what you know, huh? i'm telling you that's how i see things, regardless of whatever your inclination is for me saying it. take it, or leave it. either way, no go.
him: well you can't fault me for trying, and i did try to make you happy for the short time i knew you.
me: nope, but i can fault you for being a complete and utter waste of my time.

and what does the oracle of maturity do?! he blocks me. yup!! the mother fucker blocks me on aim. (oh god don't deny me my right to im you!! nooo anything but that!!!)

so ya know what? no more ms. nice girl.....

i'm pissed

and ya know what?

i have every right to be!

why should i feel like shit because some guy swaggered into my life with all these preconceived notions of me, and a pedastal i never even bargained for for me to fit delicately on? why should i feel like shit for not liking him? why should i feel like shit at at all?

i don't even give a fuck if he reads this and thinks i'm a complete and utter bitch...because ya know what? i am. and i should know better than to go against my intuition, and i should certainly know better than to actually censor myself for someone else's benefit.

and despite everything....

at the end of the day...i did try. i took a fucking chance, which is something i've never done before, let alone given someone else before.....

and at the end of the day, i at least know i'd never be self-centered enough to throw the fact "i tried at" someone as proof positive that i'm worth a lot more than the chance they gave me.

i may be destined to a life of solitude out of the sheer fact i'm picky and i don't want to be flexible on the things i'm looking for and refuse to even consider anything unless i feel some kind of spark....but him? he's just too stuck on himself and too insecure to ever be any good to anyone.

fuck him.

next please.