sometimes i like to get away from the saddening crowd...sometimes i feel like my life is all in vain....maybe it's time for me to halt....

so......like all good 'lil jewish girls......well, rephrase....i'm a pretty shitty jew, and this kind of explicates why.....

i need a menorah.

i had one, but when i first got my cat...my dog chased her up on the mantle of the fireplace and down went my menorah on the third day of channukah. it was glass, and it was shattered.

now before you go calling me a shitty jew...NOTE! i do have a mezzuzah placed in my doorway, so evil spirits beware!

anyway, buying a menorah is tricky tricky. mostly because you're spending at least $100.00...and to me, if you're spending that much for something that's used once a year, it might as well be aesthetically pleasing and display-able.

that's where the problem arises.

do you want something flamboyantly jewish sitting around screaming to everyone "YUD!"....or do you want something a little more artistic that delicately proclaims your mild, yet present, faith.

so.....i went to to the menorah site and came up with these two options for you, my dear and beloved blog readers, to decide upon that explicate my mild, yet randomly present, faith.

behold:
1:

2:

and remember!! your vote counts!!

______________________________

in brevity:

to the ass whipes who slow down when they see me crossing the road: ummm, HELLO?!! maybe this is intuitive to me because i spent the better part of my life dodging cars in nyc and paris....but, in general....the person is waiting for you to pass. i assure you, anyone with a brain isn't going to jump in front of your car as you go full speed ahead down the street. so, if you see someone standing in the middle of the goddamn road, looking in your direction...for the love of fucking christ DO NOT BREAK!! keep your current speed (or, if you're super cool, speed up), pass me..and let me finish crossing the street. i know you think you're doign me a service by slowing down, but in all honesty..you're just being an asshole because now i have to wait longer for you to pass me, and now people approaching in the other direction have to slow down for me too. so...keep up with that speed buttsauce...keep it comin' full speed...and we'll all live in a more harmonious crossing area, and i don't have to look at you and say "asshole" as you pass me by....

to the guy in my "copyright, patent, trademark and related state doctrines" class: stop staring at me! i don't care why you're gaze just generally seems to fall on me, just stop! it creeps me out!

to my pot smoking neighbors: ummmmm, guys? what's with the 50 cent cd being on repeat for the past four days? not that i mind a little fiddy in my life, and it's not that i can't turn on my tv, or any music and drowned out his phat beats....but ummmm at 4am....while sitting in my bed, trying to memorize the slightly varying nuances between the dormant commerce clause and the power to spend in constitutional law...i don't really want to hear.....well....anything, let alone fiddy crooning at me like he has been all night...over...and over...and over..AND OVER again. so, unless your dead over there and in that last crucial moment, you forgot to turn off the cd player....please..pick something else to blast over and over and over again.

and lastly...

to the slootchies all over the world: look. i understand that the world needs sluty hootchie women like yourselves...i'm not ignorant to the service you do the men and women of this world....but seriously, would it kill you to close your legs for like twenty minutes and maybe think about that fact that after you walk down that cute little aisle in that cute little white dress, you are kind of shirked of your slootchie responibilities. you are, sit down for this one..this may shock you....attached. you have one dick for the rest of your life, and in saying "i do" you codified this splendid notion (unless you are in an open marriage, in which case..disregard this rant) of one penis until divorce do you part. so stop fucking around. there are girls ready and willing to take the slootchie position you cast aside for holy matrimony, close the leggies and stop worrying about it..and go fuck your husband for christ's sake.

candy-cane kisses, and puppy dog tails!
-E