the idiot things that happened to me this weekend...(of course..saving the most derranged insipid fuck head for the very very end):
1. i totally forgot to close out my tab at the bar. this is why i never start tabs; however, i never have cash on me either. this usually transpires into me getting just enough drinks as i have cash for. yet, in the face of the most delicious red apple martini's i've ever had...i plopped the lovely blue am ex down and said "keep 'em comin." and in the drunken whirlwind of going to get potential food, oh my oh my....left the mother fuckin' thing there. idiot!
2. i...
got..
pulled..
over.
i was following trey back to someones house (i think it was tony's?...whatever....) and the mother fucker decided it would be a fan-fuckin-tastic idea to run the yellow-but-red-when-i-get-to-the-middle light. idiot me, followed him. idiot me then noticed a cop positioned right at the cross street. idiot me noticed the cop got right behind me. now, here's my question about that: why can't they just come at you with the fucking flashing lights and the beacon light from hell shining in all your windows? why do they let you drive a mile...fill you up with some banal hope that maybe, just maybe, this cop'll be way cooler than the other ones and just pass you up....BEFORE pulling you over? anyway, next intersection--he pulled me over, asked me if i knew why i was pulled over (i'm assuming it's because i ran the red light sir..), and after that was when i stopped telling the truth to him. lucky me still has a cali license (least 'til next year)...so...told the officer i just moved to town, it's my parents car who recently just moved to new york and i haven't transferred the title, and that i'm following someone and i don't know where i am at all..thus, causing me to run the red light because he's an idiot (while pointing up ahead at trey's car)..oh! and no officer, i had NOTHING to drink (meanwhile i woke up saturday morning still inebriated). idiot me got off with nothing but a "tell him to be a little more courteous to pretty woman who try and follow him". holla!
3. like the idiot i am i like a guy who i shouldn't. we went out a few times..blah blah blah blah...needless to say all's well in that area seeing as i had a good heart to heart with myself on wednesday night and realized he's a fuckin waste of time. yet; the fact i liked him for not apparent reason still kind of has me going "hmmmmm".....seing as most guys i go out with are all from the same fuckin cookie cutter...and this guy isnt the most attractive.....anyway..., i texted him friday night. the asshole was about 4 blocks from my apartment....so, i texted "do you want to come over" his way seeing as i had the option to head over to panini's or just go home......what was his response? now keep in mind that i was d-r-u-n-k...DRUNK. keep in mind that he knows how i am when i drink a lot (or at least i told him....)...and keep in mind the past times we went out, and especially last weekend, he seemingly tried for da booty. his response?
you ready?
seriously....you ready?
"no. i need sleep."
oh yes. the asshole gave up gratuitous physical contact and a pretty much done deal for his wang getting touched... for???? sleep. mother-fuckin-sleep. either i'm hideously disfigured OR he's a fucking idiot. you decide.
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31 comments:
1. Whoops. Been there, done that (last century though; I'm old).
2. I HATE the waiting for the pullover. Those fuckers like to make you sweat bullets!!
3. What ... a ... dumbfuck!! Passing up buttah boobies and near sure-thang sex cuz yer a little sleepy? This guy is officially kicked off the men's team and demoted to the J.V. Asshat!!
1 and 2 you deserved.. wear is 3.. ha ha he knows its going to be hard work getting you off and he would rather sleep.... what happen to busting a nut in the girls hair and going right to sleep afterwards?
By the way I sooo agree about bullshit move cops pull!! You'd love the one time I'm speeding along with a few other cars, look in the rearview mirror and notice this car starting to ride my ass a bit with like 3 lanes open. What do I do? Tap the breaks. What do I see next? A nice lovely f'n pair of police lights turn on as he pulls me over!
Oh and that guy is a complete idiot for passing up on you for sleep!
What a sexual fuckwit. An all in all fuckwit. Fuckwit.
Gee, the guy refused you and now you're talking about him on your blog? I wonder who won...:P
it is my job to share the comic relief of my life
and what is more funny than a guy who chooses sleep over physical contact?
ewww guys who wear underwear...ewwww
I think you need to become more blunt and open.
"You're in the neighborhood? Cool. So ... wanna ride me like a buckin' bronc and fuck me raw?"
get past all the girlish hints and clues ... straightforward is the way to go
I'm in trouble ... I'm channeling my inner Murph ...
naw men..subtle hints are where it is is at!
murph. come hold me.
bowling ball baby, you know we do.
hahahha!! funky spunk!
give the man a pineapple juice
or a dick in general
obiviously he has none....otherwise he'd come use it haha
maybe he already used it that night.
good point johnny
rounded shroommmmmmmy tip
it will make you bleed reguardless
like the first time everytime with you, huh Johnny
I was tired :(
Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in the Great Escape, he's digging tunnels. Now, she's gettin' the serious dick action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her, you know her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat fucks her it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding a fuck machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, "Like a virgin."
felt like an ok time to put a Reservoir Dogs quote in there
high five on the reservoir dogs quote
watching that movie right now actually
sure murph. come on up
Everyone is missing the obvious. He was either workin on gettin some with someone else or was definitely gettin some with someone else.
What ARE your standards??
my standards?!
my standards?!
what an absolute fucking idiot.
that's all.
-peace
He played it cool. Lets say he comes over and fucks your brains out. Then he has to deal with you and your hangover the next morning (there's nothing worse than some chick whining about whatever while you're sleeping). On top of it, you've got fuckers remorse b/c now that your 60oz of Boone's Farm is wearing off, you're feeling a little slutty. So, subconsciously, you treat him like the enemy b/c you feel he took advantage of you. You don't even know you're doing it but he feels it and now everything is awkward. Then you come on your blog on Monday, tell the old women's stitch and bitch circle here how you were an idiot and you never should have done what you did but he shouldn't have taken advantage of the situation, even though if we flashed back to that night, you were begging to be anally spelunked with some kind of vegetable that vaguely resembled a squash that you found on your way home. But somehow he's the bad guy and all he ever wanted from you is another date b/c god forbid he actually wants something more from you than sex. GAWD! <-- Nap Dyn voice
Man, who am I kidding? I would have came over and fucked you 5 ways from Sunday.
I could give you a FOP card for future use Elle!! That may help a little... ;o)
As far as dude... Fuck him!! His loss!! Or I guess you tried that!
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