gripe one: the handicap spot
listen. i understand you have about 300lbs more weight than anyone in their right mind would be carrying, but just cause you work up a sweat simply from moving your arm from the fries in the BK bag to your mouth, doesn't mean you are legitamately handicaped. moreover, you, more than anyone, should not be parking a steps distance from the door of your destination. my proposal? obese people parking. you won't exercise, so we're going to make you. that's right. at the far off nether regions of the parking lot, i propose we set up parking spots specifically for those people who are a little more gifted--and by gifted i mean five spare tires, and an ice cream bar--in the weight department, that way they at least get some exercise while engaging in normal every day activities--like food shopping.
gripe two: ever look at those motorized cars at the airport? ever notice who is on there? yes, coinciding with gripe one is the motorized car at the airport: LET THEM WALK! what better motivation is there to step up the pace than a flight you're going to miss if your lard ass doesn't bust a mother fuckin move? i propose that no one is allowed to use the motorized car(which, by the way, only america has) unless they are legitimately handicapped and can't walk that far, or you are about 20 minutes from totally missing your flight and you have to traverse the entire airport to get to your departure gate. (note i did not say four gates down...i said traverse the entire airport!)
gripe three: the coach airplane seat.like i said above..in no way am i a stick figure, but i'm not this behemoth of a woman either...thus, i find it strange that anyone who is beyond the realm of chunky thinks they can fit in a coach airplane seat without impinging on the person who is stuck next to them for the duration of the flight, when i kind of find it a bit tight in the coach seat when a stick figure is sitting next to me. but, they insist it can be done...and i insist they're smoking crack, and airlines need to do something about it. southewest got a shitload of flack for making people above a certain weight buy an extra ticket, but hey...there is something to be said for comfort--whether it be mine own, or the person's next to me--and it can't be that comfortable spilling over into the seat next to you. i propose a rule: if you require the seat belt extension, you require the entire row.
total side note to coincide with gripe two: how do they fit in the lavatory? i mean it's tiny!
gripe four: what are you wearing?
it's not my place to say what people find attractive, but how beautiful can big be when they buy clothes that are too small for even a 5 year old? this goes for skinny women to who insist they are a size 3 and have rolls coming out that would be easily alleviated if they just admitted and got over the idea that they are in fact a size 9. bulge isn't attractive. never was, never will be....shop accordingly.
gripe five: the reason
it's happened to everyone. you flip through day time talk shows and you find one in which obese people are talking about how they got to be the way they are. number one cited response to the posed question of "how"? "it just happened..i don't know when, but i woke up one day and i was this size". survey says? WRONG! unless something is seriously fucking wrong with you, the normal human does not go from 140lbs to 550lbs in a week....it was a progression, one perhaps you ignored, but the weight didn't just pile on over night. now i know, i myself, have often weighed myself and noticed i gained 4lbs or so, and i kind of think "how the fuck did that happen"....but that's 4lbs....that's not 200+lbs....and even in the face of my 4lbs, some introspection as to what i ate that week usually clicks the little light bulb on my head (god i hate finals week!). if you went on a 5 week fast food binge, admit it to yourself. if you enjoy eating the way you do and don't care what size you are--admit it! it only makes it that much easier....doesn't it?
now, before you go on this tirade about how i'm insensitive and a bitch for single handedly pointing out the flaws of the majority of society...hold up. i do understand that some people do have problems that have caused them to gain weight, whatever that cause may be.....but that cause couldn't have risen among the population to make the majority of americans whales. and i'm not talking about chunky people, or fat people, or even people who are mildly obese...i'm talking about those people who reach 600lbs, and still claim they just don't know where the weight came from. blame who you want, but no one shoved that last big mac down your throat...and that's my point: stop asking society to accept you for who you are, when you yourself can't accept yourself for who you are by expecting society, as a whole, to make special accomodations for your supposed misgivings.
__________________________________________
total random asides:
1. as a female, do you ever wonder how you can possibly shed as much as you do...and still have hair on your head?
2. i stayed with 5 guys in a guys apartment over the weekend.....and two things i walked out of there realizing is that a-guys hardly flush for some reason, and b-they have some fucked up piss!
3. coinciding with the above mentioned comment on piss...how gratifying is it to have fairly clear pee? it's awesome isn't it?
4. gay admission 1: i'm listehing to "secret agent man" by the guess who! SCYORE!!
4. gay admission 1: i'm listehing to "secret agent man" by the guess who! SCYORE!!
5. why does this dyke-ish looking woman insist on taking dumps in the women's bathroom during high traffic times? no one enjoys the stench! JAYSUS! and stop using my stall!
6. . shout out to big pops for buying me the john legend cd, LOVE it!
7. gay admission 2 : i love the song "8 easy steps" by alanis morisette. sorry!
6. . shout out to big pops for buying me the john legend cd, LOVE it!
7. gay admission 2 : i love the song "8 easy steps" by alanis morisette. sorry!
8. ever listen to the lyrics of " the seed 2.0" by the roots? some fucked up lyrics!
100 comments:
First, let me start by openly acknowledging my conflict of interest: I'm fat. Not chunky, not stocky, not big-boned. Moreover, I've always been fat, at least since I was a little more than 5 years old. I started packing on the pounds following spinal surgery, as a toddler, to remove a tumor that was wrapped around my spine. Docs said I only had a 50-50 chance of ever walking again, so fat is better than crippled for life.
1. Although I've always been obese, I've always been active and athletic. I think fatness is NOT an excuse for handicap parking. I like to park close, but I walk. I say, eliminate handicap parking all-together. Fuck 'em. It's Darwinism; survival of the fittest. Fat, no legs, muscular dystrophy ... screw you. Park where there's spaces or don't park at all.
2. Any kind of little motorized cart that doesn't involve golf should be outlawed.
3. Not only am I fat, but I'm tall — close to 6'6". So not even business class is comfortable for me— not enough ass room, not enough leg room. That being said, there's no way I would ever think that could fit my fat ass in just ONE coach seat, and so I would never buy that fare. That being said, corporate greed has resulted in shrunken, smaller seats all over the place. They cram smaller, but thus more, seats into airplanes. They do the same thing at movie theaters. The more seats, the more they can charge, the more money they can make.
As for the lavatories, at least one on every airplane has doors that are wider than the others. I found this out on my last plane trip (8 hours from Hawaii to Guam, fuck) AFTER we landed and after I did body contortions that would make a chinese acrobat cringe to get in, pull out dzer jr. and do my business.
4. Let's be fair — there are people in all weight classes who dress badly/inappropriately. I don't care how fit you are, if yer a granola-no-shavin' hippie chick, I don't want to see yer pits! As a fat man, I choose not to wear speedos and other such revealing bits of clothing — only the lucky get to see my flesh ... or the other drunks at the end of the night at Miss Sally's House of Strippin' Bitches.
5. For 95 percent to 99 percent of obese people, the answer is the same: ate too much, exercised too little. But sometimes, no matter what you do, there's not much you CAN do. When I was 14-16, I played football in Texas. That meant that I not only played/practiced football for 1/4 of the year, it meant that during the rest of the year, I was in training to play football. At the time, the Air Force decided I was too fat as a military dependent and put me on a 1,000-calorie a day diet. I stuck to it religiously.
During this period, my average workout was calesthenics MWF (run by a retired Marine Corps drill instructor) — leg lifts, sit ups, push ups, duck walks, jumping jacks, etc. for 20 to 30 mins. Mondays were sprints of all kinds. Wednesdays were distance running, from three to five miles. Fridays were the timed mile. If you didn't run as fast as you should for your position, more windsprints. Tuesday and Thursday were weight training. At this age, I was about 6'2" and 300 pounds. I ran the mile in 8 minutes. I bench pressed 350 pounds. I could dunk a basketball.
But guess what. I lost a total of 15 pounds on this diet and workout regimen.
I guess this is what I'm saying: I don't expect, need or want special treatment or accomodations for my weight. But I do want society and its people to accept me as I am. Why? Because it's who I fucking am. I have to accept the too-skinny models and "i'm not beautiful enough" anorexic teen girls. I have to accept the idiots, morons and generally clueless. Hell, I have to accept the "average" people, pretty much all of whom are far beneath my vast intellect.
You need to check this site out: www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com
sorry buttah; that should have been my own blog instead of a rambling diatribe in your comments section.
like I give a sh*t about the fat conversation - I wanna congrat Ella on being the No1 PARTY GIRL! A weekend with 5 guys! Thats good goiing girl! I bet you lost a few calories....
naw it's fine dzer! appreciate the comments, honestly. i should put the warning up that it's mildly satirical, and more pointed at the average person who expects a red carpet and special treatment, but wants to be "accepted"
by the way, glad the surgery worked out for you...honestly.
5 guys i've known almost my entire life..and who think of me as their sister. WOOO PARTY! i did lose 8 lbs just from getting a nasty case of food poisening and puking up everything i've eaten in the past year. thanks jake!
damn! oh well, one can dream. sorry you had the trotts gal! at least you got one back for the little boys not flushing!
i dunno - a lot of the girls who i have had the pleasure of have put a lot of effort in. I doubt there is much in the way of calories in a quart of joy juice no matter how many slurps they have of it. From Ellas picture she looks like she could wear most of us out (if we were so lucky)...
oh you guys should hear my brother go off on lazy people....he's a cardiologist..he told me if he had a buck for every patient he did a procedure on and followed it with a big mac in post op..he'd be making more money than he does by being a fellow. that's sick! you just had an angioplasty, or something similar...DID YOU LEARN NOTHING?!
and thanks guys..for thinking i'm a pimp..but i'm the farthest thing from =0)
alright..now that i know jizz fits into my calorie counting scheme.......bring on the cock haha....KIDDING!
Here is a frightening experience. Sitting in a commuter plane (looked like a winnebago with wings) as they boarded passengers. 400 lb guy shambles out on the tarmac and everyone with an empty seat next to them develops a look of dread and then a look of relief when his seat assignment puts him next to some one else.
I am no where near small (5'11", 190, yeah, I know) but I hate it when some fat slob calls me missy and asks me to take the center seat so he can overflow into the aisle. Excuse me, check in earlier A_____e!
love the blog *L*
btw ... no offense taken, buttah ...
I'm a fat guy who's often offended by other fat people for many of the reasons you listed. Like I said, I've always been althetic.
And now that I've given up smoking, and thus am no longer winded from simply walking up the steps to my apartment, the next stage of my healthiness is to get a little fitter.
I've lost a few pounds by just eating a little (wee bit) healthier, but the next plan of attack is an actual exerciser regimen (shudder).
After that ... well, the next phase would be giving up skanky crack whores. That will be the hardest habit to break. ;o)
dzer!! you can't give me up! i'd miss you! and ask teresa naomi and i if you need any work out help...we're work out nazi's =0)
comrade: eh it's the same reason people get offended for something on tv...instead of change the channel, they'll soak it up, absorb it, then try and get it cancelled for some idiotic reason. people are self absorbed...nothing new!
and when fattys breathe through there nose after they sit down from walking 2 feet. just breathe through you mouth... crap numbered stuffed.. now i have to reply in numbers.
1. no
2. 5 guys in one apartment. how big is this apartment
3. its not.
4. why aren't you listening to your new john legend cd
5. i hate it when people use my stall in public restrooms. you should write your name and number inside the stall to let her know its yours
6. not as much as the guess who
7. that's unforgivable
8. yes.
You know? My stomach is still fucked up. DAMN YOU NOODLES ON 29th! Try 28th next time. HA! Anyway, glad you like the CD, figured you would. Thanks for the trade-in, loving the Flaw Cd.
awww murph!
you're so convincing me to hand out the number here!
Thanks for the shout, you rock.
As for gripe 1, I know exactly what you're saying for I work in advertising, and sometimes with customers. As a broader issue, not just weight, I just love it that people make a point to let you know that they have some sort of handicap or illness.... so they can get more from you. The worse is when someone tells you that they're in the military. but that's another issue entirely. For this one, I respect what you're doing, but don't abuse it.
For those with handicaps, yeah I feel bad for your misfortune, but don't bring it up in an effort to woo me into getting you something, it's not gonna happen. In fact, it'll make me not want to help you :)
Cheers
hey moonie...pass the bag of cheeto's...i'm starving!
and thanks Wes..and yea i agree. there's admission of some handciap/illness, and then there's thinking it makes you so much fucking cooler than the rest of us.
damn girl. slow down...i mention if you have a clogged artery and are dying..my brother can fix you up for a small finders fee?!
crscntmoon ... thanks .. 9 months now ... I still wanna smoke; just know that I can't ... depressing LOL
he is single!
Maybe if you had the metric system losing weight would be more about Kilos, which are bigger than Pounds and losing a few kilos is harder than losing a few pounds...but then, a sociology lecturer once told me that, proportionally, Australia is actually the fattest nation in the world. So, I don't know.
how is that possible Hedge...have you seen the lard asses of America? LOOK AT ME!! hehe
Moonie: hmmmm, no idea. but you'd have to convert. gotta keep the parents happy, ya know?
hmmmm well he's just a piddly fellow so he makes jack shit right now....guess he's out, huh Moonie?
+3/4 for using the awesome word svelt murph
hey...in uhhh..4 years he'll start making the big bucks...till then, it's welfare livin and ghetto fabulous style....
i don't see you in Texas though..so..hey....maybe this wasn't meant to be.
pssttt..statistics are all false to begin with.
all the statistics back up what buttah says about statistics ...
... I read it in a scientific study on studies and statistics
that's the first thing my stats prof said in undergrad: this is utter shit, but hey, it helps.
DUDE! word up on the john legend love!
Thanks Sir-Fluffer..i feel your fuckin love.
LOL! Love your post! When I was a flight attendant on a small plane I actually had to talk an incredibly large passenger out of boarding.
uh... 30 passenger turbo prop plane, 7 passengers and 1 500 lb dude? yeah, I doubt he would have fit through the door much less let us take off! I have a thing about not wanting to die on the job.
pork rinds?! SO NOT KOSHER!!
Busted: i have to fly one of those puddle hoppers from albany to cleveland all the time--i get this look of fear when someone approaches my aisle...i mean, two adults CANNOT fit comfortably in those seats to begin with!
Thanks Amateur, I did say proportionally.
Is Jane Seymour Australian? I disown celebrities very quickly. Usually about the time they lose their accent, like Ms Kidman.
I confess I run at my retail job when I hear the whirr of a motorized cart. I have noticed too that many people who could use one of those carts because it takes them an hour to hobble accross the mega store, don't, though it's not quite as bad as people that use shopping carts as walkers, and they're 20, so it looks like they left their spine in their car trunk. Another ride on the shop o matic.
yea she's british. good on amatuer.
i always love the fuckhead that uses the back of your seat to pull himself out of his own seat..OH THAT DRIVES ME FUCKING NUTS! okay..i'm done. sorry.
nothing is more dumb than the person who can't look at their ticket, look up, look at their ticket, look up..and realize they're parking their ass in the wrong seat. numbering with adjacent letters is really not that hard to master.
i love the girls who get all glamoured out to fly...i sit there in my pj's and laugh.
such fuckin class murph..i swear!
okay...does the word diseeminate sound dirty to anyone else?
or have i been writing to many "confidential information" clauses lately?
i fly to much for anyones good man...flying sucks the porn cock.
alright..disseminate is singular to me! got it! thanks!
*stars wondering if she ever flew next to the murph*
hmmmmm
Word Eddie..Word
and i just went to the caffieteria cause my dumb ass left my salad in the fridge this morning...and low and behold...this woman is talking about her diet to the cashier..as she buy's pizza. SMART!
CHIPOTLE?!!! i want a barbacoa burrito...extra hot sauce!
and that was you pointing in laughing at the D terminal..eh? figures. i just couldn't see anything cause the light was reflecting off your bald white head.
i bbq-ed lamb steak yesterday..OH MAH GOOD!
soooooo goood.
and Hick--that's on the Dl man..DL!
you want it..ASK..nicely
cleveland "we fly to canada, so we get the international title" international...not a horrid airport.....fuckin d wing is like 50 miles from the rest of it though.
fist thing i'm gonna do when i move back to cleve...get pho...then..get some chipotle. i miss the fattening awesome goodness!
you want it murph..ASK NICELY!
god! so fucking difficult aren't you fluffer boy?!
I always come so late to these parties... what the fuck are we talking about?
Sometimes it takes 2 flushes, depends on how boyant your shit is.
awww the dude and jabberstud have bouyant terds. cute!
*still waiting for the murph to ask nicely*
i'm not asking for grovel..i'm asking for nice!
ack friend, your ENTER key appears broken
know how genetics go derrik...whole family has high cholesterol..mines at a fun fun 260!
alright..murph....just ask again and i'll send it on its merry way
Amatuer: sadly, i chose da buttah haha
Ed: well yea..but my whole family is skinny..but eastern euro trash, like my family, genetically has higher cholesterol levels...hence i'm 23 and already have high cholesterol.
be thankful you have a good metabolism murph. 'nuff said!
yea gary's all....skinny and shit. bastard brothers getting the good genes
true....but do you work out Murph?
do you do any physical activity?
*cough* GHEY *cough*
dude! we're all sugar and fuckin cream. sweet as can fuckin be
softball isn't physical enough, short sprints don't do shit, baseball players work harder than most to stay in shape since practice and games is a lot of standing
I played rec league baseball for a bit after high school then softball for a long time on like 3 teams at once some weeks. One of my goals with this working out thing is to get back into actual baseball shape so I can play that again, I miss the small ball... I was a good pitcher when I wasn't breaking elbows of kids that wouldn't fuckin move.
any sport that involves a bat....i think it's better for me to stay away from.
Wow Jabberstud..you know the dude digs baseball playa's =0)
Amen to the obesity part of your post!! Great stuff.
ya well I wouldn't call myself that right now but I'm getting in shape for it, this weekend I'm actually buying some balls and a fake catcher setup so I can get my arm used to the shit again
since I started working out again I remember high school and how something on my body was always hurt but I have tons more coordination now than I did then, I was so fucking lanky ...
lol @ Zito and his guitar, he's a crack up
zito is hot, s'all about moulder!
hah you're buying some balls..HAH! heh. heh. heh.
yea dude..us with bats would be bad....can you imagine how many things/people we would kill if we missed the ball?
ever have those stretches, where you stretch and something in your back/shoulder/hip pinches? JESUS CHRIST! OUCH!
amen to the pain of working out and understanding. sucks. insanely addictive....also insanely easy to get over though.
i'll stick to boxing gloves man...you and your bat v. me and my boxing gloves? you in?!
So you an A's fan? I been one since I was old enough to hold a bat... should see my card collection~!
dude i've seen some fatties in some interesting situations..and those fuckers can move if they want to! (god, i feel almost mean saying that..good thing i'm evil, right murph?)
and..baseball pants do nothing for me. i don't understand how they can grab their nuts as much as they do and just pass it off as jock strap itch. side note: don't mind if guys scratch their nuts. just don't get pissy at me when i adjust my boobs in public.
condom idea..well i talked to bob down at OLEDS..and he wasn't thrilled. hehe!!
but why put effort into the pimp limp..if you can fuck your leg up and you can stop worrying if you got the limp down?
better pimp things to worry about...like how to keep that pimp hand strong?
tupperware shuffle? hah!
bra's aren't bad...you only realize how much they suck when you take 'em off...least that's me.
yea..but even then it only sucks when you take the 3 sports bra's off and the pain of being pinched in three fuckin sports bra's actually truely sets in
again pain that is worth it, you don't want the sags in 3 years do you?
how the fuck do you get heartburn from gum?!!
sags would be bad...true....but those bra's leave like welts, not lines, along your sides and bank and chest.
amatuer: there will be no censoring of the self on my website..please type out the FUCKER in subsequent posts =0)
*gives amateur a hug*
relax. we won't mention this to anyone else.
i eat oatmeal everyday for breakfast. my grandma was a size 8, ate only salad...and still had 300 cholestorol. it's shite..but eh. least we don't die of heart disease on my fam.
I Can FUCK You 24 Times. Trust Me. Asshole.
ohh totally agree RUS...same goes for hip hugging jeans. UCH!
murph: maple brown sugar is THE BOMB! and yea...peaches and cream is fuckin nasty. agreed.
well..least you'll never have to play "what the shit did you eat" with oatmeal?
hm.
bleh
nobody even noticed the wierd hater anon comment...
but hey do you think we can get to 200 comments?
i love hater anon's! so tough to hate anonymously!
moonie is canadian....i think.
old container...with some brown sugar Ed
how cool do you think gwen felt when she sang that? bananas! WOO!
oh i do the protien shake with yogurt and a 'nanner. nothing NOTHING can make those bitches taste good.
I GOT BINGO!!!!! YES!
joy 1 of coming home early from work: coming home to find my dog in her crate and my mom yelling at me to take her out...figures.
joy 2 of coming home early...is having my mom yell at me to write her an e-mail because god forbid she do something on her own that involves anything work oriented.
joy 3 of coming home early..having my father yell at me for not being at work when i should be...even though i finished everything for the day...
remind me never to come home early ..again.
so how do you know the murph moonie? any juicy secrets we should know about him?
and yea..copy that dude. staying till fuckin 10pm now.
are you guys seriously trying to get to 200?
want to write a licensing agreement for Toyota?
or try and find ways that our patent matches the proto-type used on itunes..so we may further sue them?
yayyyyyy
s'all about kayaking...nothing says HOT like having your legs suction-cupped inside a water craft....while you desperately try to stay afloat.
yea..but i'm getting paid, unlike my fellow legal bitches....thus i am truely a legal bitch, and they are just legal aid. muahahhaa
actuall i enjoy what i do Ed...and i like to be busy =0)
i will agree that is nighty hot
and dude, i know..it's hard to contain oneself in the face of such interesting stuff as turbo coding, and decoupling of voltage..OH and regenerative breaks..oh..god...i need a cigarette...oy!
199
200!
are we locked at 200 or do people just not care :(
wow..after that picture Allison..i must go run 50 miles..HOY!
I'M NAKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya'll choose.... naked man or an obese person in spandex....
random jew comment from anonymous..deleted!
damn religious zealots!
See, you crazy Yanks...I have never, ever - to my knowledge - seen someone riding a scooter because they were too fat. Unless I just gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed they were disabled.
Post a Comment