a case of the monday's..on tuesday

alright....so....i'm really uninspired and rather swamped with work this fair morning (nothing beats showing up to your office and having a stack of paper the size of a small child on it with a note attached stating "could you write up the licensing agreement by thursday?")....so...i figure we'll play a little game. that's right kids! time for NAME THAT MOVIE! keep in mind it's 6:45am on a fuckin tuesday, so sorry if these are random, odd, or wrong, but here are all 35 quotes i could think of (an/or use repeatedly in daily life) off the top of my head. enjoy!

1. Open this door you dead people or we'll bust it down and drag you out by the ropes you hanged yourself with!

2. A woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man.

3. Carol the waitress, meet Simon the fag.

4. What is love? What is this longing in our heart for togetherness? Is not the sweetest flower of love have the fragrent aroma of fine fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unliken to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand and release the power within yourself. You heard me: release the power and tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy: whip out everything you got and do it in the butt.

5. How tall are you boy?"
"Five foot nine sir."
"Five foot nine?! I didn't know they piled shit that high!"

6. So, you're obviously the big dick. And there on either side of you are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big, brave balls, and there are little, mincy faggot balls. You're dicks have driving clarity of vision. But they're not clever; they smell pussy, and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good ol' pussy, and have brought your two little, mincey, faggot balls along for a good ol' time. But you've got your parties muddled up. There's no pussy here- just a dose that will make you wish you were born a women. Like a prick, you're having second thoughts. You're shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with ya. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written on the side of your guns. And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle .50" written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now fuck off!

7. I know Ms. Pac-Man is special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.

8. I killed the President of Paraguay with a fork.

9. Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarted.

10. I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy

11. You know there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.

12. Forget about freedom, Dennis. Think more about mud

13. I would have to say that Sting is another hero of mine. I don't listen to his music, but the fact that he's making it...I respect that.

14. True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love, and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego, and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blinfolded, like a goddamn magic show, ready to doubleteam your girlfriend.

15. One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

17. Throughout my lifetime I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.

18. Your mother is a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries... now go away before I taunt you a second time!

19. All the things you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck. I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not

20. And Shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee, power hath descended forth fromThy hand that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to thee and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomine Patri et Fili Spiritu Sancte

21. People think it's all about misery and desperation and death and all that shit which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid

22. All I can say is I hope this isn't a real emergency because I only brought one bottle of vodka

23. I see you're drinking 1% milk. Is that because you think you're fat? Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole milk

24. There is a piper down, I repeat there is a piper down!

25. The Greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn't exist.

26. If you're lying to me, I'll kill ya. If I think you're lying to me, I'll kill ya. If you leave anything out, I'll kill ya. As a matter of fact you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive. Do you understand? Good, cause if you don't, I'll kill ya.

27. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepards the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brothers keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the LORD, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

28. My dear boy, if God had intended for us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates.

29. I say let me never be complete. I say let me never be content. I say deliver me from Swedish furniture. I say deliver me from clever art. I say deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth. I say you have to give up. I say evolve and let the chips fall where they may.

30. K-Mart Sucks.

31. There was nothing wrong with my name... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass-clown became famous and started winning Grammies

32. If I'm not back in five minutes.. wait longer

33. Your in the red zone?!? Well I'm a mushroom-cloud layin mother fucker, mother fucker!

34. You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I!

35. I caught you a delicious bass