breaker breaker 5--11....come in spanky....

before i start..let me bitch about two things in brevity: first--what the fuck is with thongs with the double side string big-triangle-to-little-triangle attachment apparatus? do those strings ever not twist into each other?! or is it just my thong today? (and for those keeping track at home...yea i'm wearing underwear, and you get one disgusting "free oral week" guess why). second, and lastly, to the fuckhead who went a whopping 12mph the entire way to work today....thanks for a-not letting me pass you, b-driving like a fuckin dickwad, and c-getting completely pissed off as i honked, flailed, gesticulated, yelled, screamed, fliked off, and remained a consistent centimeter from your bumper. fuckin cock. okay! on more thing: why do people fuckin call and not leave a voicemail? if you had no intention of telling me what the fuck was up or why you were calling then don't call me or text me you tard!

anyway.....

it was fairly inevitable and i knew it would happen sooner or later, more sooner than later...but even sometimes those things that are just blatantly going to happen shock you. in this instance, i got later. yup, i've lived here an entire month, and not once did my mother mention me going out with that nice jewish boy that lived across the street---least, that is, till last night. oh yes! i came home from my 12 hour work day to the sweet sweet sounds of "elka, i gave ellen your number, from across the street. she'll have her son call tonight at 9." fan-fuckin-tas-tic. but, like the nice little jewish daughter i am--i didn't protest. i didn't say "but mom, i'm already seeing someone, and there's no way in hell i'm ever going to date someone that short"--i didn't say it mostly because that's a whole other can of whoop ass i dont' want to unleash...oy! if my parents knew i was seeing someone..well, he'd be dead. in any event, the little guy ended up calling me at exactly 9:12 (hah, to seem as if he hadn't planned to call me at 9..) and the conversation went a bit like this:

*ring ring*
"yeah?"
"uhhh, is this elle?"
"yea"
"hi, it's andrew. your mom gave my mom your number for me to call you..."
"wow, how pathetic does that make you feel?"
"what do you mean?"
"i mean i've heard of wingmen and wingwomen, and setting people up, but c'mon. relying on the mom to get you a date? doesn't that make you feel a bit pathetic? i mean i feel a bit pathetic just being on the phone right now with some guy who's mom got my number from my mother"
"guess i never thought about it that way....huh.."
"yea whatever. how are you?"
"good, i think...you?"
"good"
"so uhhhh, you're from cleveland?"
"hey, drew. can i call you drew? you're sitting in a room directly across the street from me, and right now i'm about to walk my dog. come out, the weather is fine"

so he did. he walked his short little jewish ass the 20 feet to the end of his driveway before i even leashed up my pooch and adorned myself with the most ugly sequined slippers i could find in a japanese bazaar. in all honesty, he wasn't bad......for a midget! god! sometimes i absolutely hate my people for never breaking the 5'4'' mark with consistency. kind of makes me wonder how my family ended up tall, and all my jew friends also ended up tall. anyway, we walked, we talked....i wasn't completely hating the entire situation, and then mr. jew midget done fucked up. that's right--he started to talk about cars.

now for those of you who don't know me all that well, i'm a car fanatic. just look at the porsche gt2 picture on my desk, or the tons and tons and tons of car magazines i buy (in my defense, everything involving the evo 8 mr was my brothers doing; while i do think that car is one sweet ass automobile, i think he was a dumbfuck for even considering it over the bmw 330ci with a performance sport package, m spoke wheels, and m shift ratios. idiots!). anyway nothing pisses me off more than when guys assume i'm a total dipfuck about cars because i have the uterine-matching-ovary equipment, and it only gets worse when you insist i'm a total dipfuck about cars even after i tell you that i'm a car freak.

back to the story: in true jewish fashion, the topic of "what do your parents do" and "what kind of cars do they drive" came up rather quickly in our walk (what? you think we got the stereotype of being greedy by not asking such great questions about potential wealth?) so he asked and i answered: "my mom drives an ml500, and my dad has an sl55"

"sl55? he should have gotten the amg"
"uh, the sl55 is an s500 with the amg built engine"
"no it's not"
"dude, the s500 on it's own is just an s500, while the sl55 is the same fuckin car but you take out the engine, let amg tweak it up to a 5.5L supercharged, 24valve, v8 engine. in contrast to the cute little s500, no amg, which only has a 5.0L 24 valve v8 engine. amg puts the supercharger on.....they'd be idiots if they repackaged the same car with a different title and tacked on a good 25k to it."

and he just kind of looked at me with that "stupid girl" face....and i nearly decked him. he then proceeded to try to convince me that the s500 has a 4.5L v8, sl has a 5L v8, and the sl55amg has the 5.5L v8. GRR! how dumb can you be? (do the chickens have large talons?! hehehe). so i suffered through the rest of my walk...thank god my dog decided to drop some ass mighty quickly into it. i said my cordial good night, walked up my driveway, entered my house....and low and behold there are my two parents sitting and waiting for me to say they had finally found me the jewish love of my jewish life.

"how'd it go?"
and i proceeded to explain to my mom and dad what a fucking idiot this midget was...and how absolutely short he was and my mom just shoock her head "elka, you can't just think you know everything. maybe he was right and you were wrong? you should give people more of a chance. you're never going to find someone that is going to do deal with your attitude if you don't give a little on things you aren't certain about. and get over your height thing--it's the size of their heart that matters"
and then, like a beacon...my dad chimed in "she's right. the kids a fucking idiot. and 5'4'' is to short for her, seeing as she's over 5'7''. good night!"

god. sometimes i love my dad.

on a total side note: the cherry i just pulled out of my bag-o-breakfast...which today is, unsurprisingly cherries...looks like a butt! HAH!!!