Deep Thoughts by Elle Da Buttah
1. why is it that every guy (okay fine, stop going "hey, i don't think that"....MOST guys....you fuckin testosterone defying rebel, you..i haven't even said what it is yet...jaysus! happy?), assumes that if one has the matching ovary and uterus combo, one sucks ass at driving? i'm not saying i'm fucking forumula-1 ready or anything, but hey....i use turn signals, i speed, and i dont' take turns at a whopping 1.4 miles an hour like most people tend to. what's more? i drive stick. which leads to my next point: why do MOST (see, i work so hard to appease you) guys assume they are better at driving a stick than a chick? i had some cock-lackey trying to tell me that he is way better at shifting than i am, and that i shift wrong--albeit this asshole has never driven with me--and, much to my surprise, he doesn't even drive a manual. yea, you rock the stick man....maybe when it's a broom up your ass!
2. who the fuck ate my oatmeal?! i awoke this morning, excited to eat my daily bowl of oatmeal....look in the pantry, and there is NOTHING! so who the fuck ate it? huh?! ...sidenote: nature's fruit granola bars SUCK! compared to oatmeal
3. i stopped at starbucks today, figuring i'd be nice and get my lone office mate some coffee..plus i had this strange urge for some mango tea. the guy behind the counter nearly fell over in shock when i asked, very politely "can i get a condom for the ice drink? i don't want it to drip in my cupholder".......what else do you call those carboard-slip-on-heat-defying things? it goes on easy and protects you from harm....sounds like a fuckin condom to me. a cup condom.
4. a few days ago i went to go buy myself cheeto's...mostly because gregg kept talking about the awesome cheeto cheesy poofs we had...so, anyway, i go to the vending machine, i give my $0.75, and i patiently wait, kneeled over, at the vagina of the machine....patiently awaiting the dropping of my cheeto's....when some construction guy comes up behind me and goes "wow, that's an awesome tat...did it hurt?" why do people insist on asking retarded questions? i replied "naw, 4 hours of needles going in and out of my back at 1000 beats per second felt orgasmic", and walked back to my office.
5. does anyone...ANYONE...like peeps?
6. do you get the feeling that your bladder and colon are in a conspiracy against you? how many times have you had the urge to take a huge dump in a no-dumping-zone (i.e. work, girlfriends house, nice restaurant..etc), and you tell your colon "NO! bad colon, not happening..no no no no no", and then a half hour later your bladder chimes in with a "hey, we gotta spew some urine man", to which you oblige, cause hey...peeing is glorious....but, when you go to pee you evacuate that bladder with such force, that your colon releases too? conspiracy man..CON-SPIR-A-CY!
7. i ate a shitload of watermelon for dinner last night. result? woke up at 12am to pee, 2:13am to pee, 4:20am to pee, and 5:00am to pee. it sucked. upside: had the best sugar high going. downside: dropped like a rock when the sugar high ended.
8. i'm still pissed about my lack of oatmeal this morning. GR! anyway, ever sit in a meeting and all of a sudden you have this unyielding itch in your crotch or some other place you can't readily go scratching in? yea....that sucks
9. i like mushrooms. i also like mushroom tips. think about it.
10. is there anything more annoying than going out to a restaurant---or anywhere for that matter--and having parents not give a shit that their kid is yelling/screaming/laughing so loud your ears are bleeding? okay...there's something that is more annoying: going to a midnight showing of a movie and having those fucking parents bring their whining/yelling/screaming kid to a movie and walk in and out every 20 minutes to calm the kid down. one step more annoying? sitting next to parents who are too cheap to buy their baby a seat..so the kid sits on the mom/dad's lap, and proceeds to yell/scream the ENTIRE flight, while the parents just smile at you with that "god our child is so precious and special" smugness about them. now i know where dead baby jokes come from.
__________________________________________________________
shout out to mr. sweet mizzery! i got the bucket-o-astro and some tarp for you baby! anyway, hope y'all have a good weekend....and i'll be back again on monday..for all your useless "i'm at work....i need to waste time...oh! i'll read this" needs. HOLLA!
99 comments:
Mushrooms are awesome, but I always preferred acid.
on various points
• I can't drive a stick. There. I fucking said it!
• I can only eat oatmeal if it's equal parts oats and brown sugar.
• cup condoms sound good. coffee sweater vest, maybe?
• I got one on my upper neck. Fuck that was a mistake. Nothing like running the tattoo needle in and out of your spinal cord.
• I have a friend who stocks up on Peeps during Easter and puts 'em in the fridge to eat year-round. Me, personally? Ugh. Waste of sugar.
• WATERmelon. Hello?
• I scratch. The beauty of being a guy.
• I don't understand parents these days. Parents of kids my age knew how to handle them. You know what I don't get? When I'm at Kmart or the grocery store at like midnight or 1 a.m. (I like shopping then; no crowds) ... why are there always people there with their kids? What the hell? I got wailed on if I wasn't asleep by 9 p.m. when I was a child!
Venti finito.
i was at dave and busters once....and it was 1am...and all these people started showing up with their kids! my parents didn't take me anywhere till i was 1-potty trained, 2-unable to throw a tantrum in public and get away with it without looking like a tard, 3-i had a reason to be in public
I think there are laws that allow you, if kids are wailing in restaurants/grocery stores, etc., to shoot them with BB guns. The trick is getting one of those concealed BB gun permits.
I should finish writing these two edits for the weekend ... but I don't wanna! bleah!
shoot the parents. not the kids fault.
GET TO WORK! heh.....as i sit here reading the news...hypocrite be mine name!
To quote my friend & fellow Wedding Partier Nick, "I've found that beating your kids with a sock full of dimes makes them a better person." You all can test that theory if you like, but we are in no way responsible for any legal problems, or having a video of you walloping your child in a Wal-Mart parking lot showing up on the evening news.
i plan on punching my kid in the face everytime we pass a fast food joint....that way he/she/it will always associate that garbage with pain and stay away.....
Be sure to follow through with your shoulder to get the maximum power out of it. Also, I'm gonna link to you if ya don't mind.
ohh..i'll jab, left hook, bob, weave, right hook, cross his ass into hating fast food...no worries.
link away man, i am honored.
hey biznitch. when you going to eitan's?
and i love how you captured the urgency of the urine/shit combo coming out. tear to the eye man. tear to the mother fuckin eye.
you wont have babies if you use the anal method (he says remembering yesterdays blog)!
Moving swiftly on ....
What the problem with fast food - the problem is with fat mo-fo's who dont know when enough is enough. Y'see if it was compulsory for everyone to have KIA's then those dumb fat slobs would know when they've ate too much - their fat arses wont get in the motor!
As for parents who dont control their kids - I say "Smith + Wesson" everytime!
IMG! smith&wesson is soooo right! and..you don't understand how fat we americans are darlin...you really don't haha
Ducati: it was maple brown sugar oatmeal.....sure it was you? cause i plan on hanging them..by their balls...when i find the person who TOOK MY GODDAMN OATMEAL!!
whats the problem with stick shift/manual gearbox. its only hand feet coordination for godsake. like the way my girlfriend has to bring me my beer whilst stepping over all my stuff in the living room - you gals have it too easy!
just so i get this straight - that "thingy" around the coffee cup (which you all are calling condoms) - thats there to stop you people from claiming off starbucks when you burn your fingers isnt it?
lawyers suck the ass bigtime!
*looks around pensively*
-12 for lmg thinking we girls have it too easy.
ass bastard!
-15 for saying lawyers suck on a lawyers blog.
tsk tsk lmg! tsk tsk!
far too easy - everything is tilted to the benefit of the ladies. during my football or golf, upsprings an advert for pantyhose or "femine hygine towels". i go to renew my insurance and im butt fecked on the premiums and told if I were a woman id only pay pennies for my insurance. ladies get laid off from their job and they are off to the lawyers to sue for sexual harasment. blah blah blah
(as you can tell im not having a good day).
your excussed cos of your boobs, smile and a riotous blog!
by the way, what is your tattoo of? is their an online photo of it anywhere?
RUS: and i blame you for my new found infatuation with anal....infatuation isn't the right word, but it's the first one that comes to mind
lmg: meh. +2 for saying i'm funny =0)
Ducati...heroin binges are bad....keep that in mind next time to go stealing oatmeal.
lmg: which tat? i have many. none documented though. one on my back is some tribal thing
thanks for the points Ducati. +5 for not stealing my maple brown sugar oatmeal.
What the heck are "peeps"?
Cup Condom...you should trademark that word! I like it.
Sorry about your oatmeal, but I was SO hungry, I couldn't help myself. Oh, I also stole a paperclip.
I hereby grant to all commenters +1,000.
+2,000 to da buttah for bein' the shiznit.
note: only redeemable on Guam.
Ducati: uhh tribal across my lower back, gay hearts on my ankle, two stars on my pelvic bones, and a butterfly under my belly button. yeee haw girly!
shanshu: uhh peeps are easter food...i think? and, not sure if you read the penalty for eating my oatmeal..but i have a noose with your scrotum's name on it.
dzer: awww i'm the shiznit?! shpank you! and i will be in guam tomorrow....saddle up!
oh shit! rayn posted! awww 'sup my pussy whipped one? yea i'll be there at like 9 tonight...gotta shower 'n'shiz
Morning Hetero Life Mate!
You might wanna elaborate on the "fuck kids" comment. Shit like that can get you into loads of trouble. Like the time I said I was gonna kill the presdjfh;lar g hdwiyuefg! **loud crash & intense struggling**
Shane: fucking kids involves a lot..and i'm talking A LOT..of jesus juice.
i HATE peeps. They're the worst excuse for a food item ever invented.
On the flip side, tho...I got my kid to eat some sushi last nite, and she liked it! 8 years old eating raw fish.
Damn was I proud.
next up: the raw liver cut from the still-fresh carcass of a deer she shot with her own compound bow from a tree blind.
all protein; no carbs!
buttah: it's already tomorrow here and I didn't see ya!
sushi *droolz*
damnit dzer....you weren't looking hard enough. i even flailed in your window and closed all your tiolet lids for you!
I can't drive auto. It's like an out of body experience. No-one can really control a car that drives for you haha.
A noose for my crotch? Holy crap! My large member is in danger. I will buy you some more oatmeal, I SWEAR!
Are peeps those little bird things that look like a statue of sugar?
yup..that's a peep Eric..and you have till 2pm to get me my fucking oatmeal..othewrise large member shall be hanged..one testicle at a time!
Hedge...+500 for being hot, aussie, and driving only manuel.
=0)
who wants to join me for sushi?!
Hell, I'm game. I like Unagi and Spicy Tuna.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...good.
spicy tuna, toro, hamachi, and some tomago. num!
oh yea dude..saki-it to me!
You mean Manual. Manuel is the waiter in Fawlty Towers (and, DUDE, the guy who played him - Andrew Sachs - is the voice of Dragon in Monkey!).
But yes, thanks for the 500!
Any of you been to a sushi bar with the treadmill thing running all around it? We have a place here called Rotary Sushi. As the dishes parade by, you take what you want. They charge you by the color of the plate.
I went with four buddies once, just met them at the tail end of their sushi fest ... the bill was about $250 ... yowza!
I like eating next door: Rotary Barbecue ... plates of MEAT coming around in circles.
Get ... in ... mah ... belly!!
Well, I have a big dick so I don't need a fancy car. I drive a 95 Toyota Seca. It serves my purposes.
No manual transmission here ... just a 1994 Nissan Hardbody SE-V6 that is falling apart around me, but which I will drive into the ground before I even think about purchasing a new vehicle.
Unless I hit the lottery ... then I'm getting me something snazzy!
2004 civic fo' me! she's small but she's fierce in the most sickeningly adorable "meep meep!" kind of way
The first car I actually bought was an 87 Nissan Sentra ... the old boxy ones.
I hated the meep-meep "excuse-me-sir-but-if-you-don't-mind-may-i-please-squeeze-bye" horn ... so I swapped it out for a very loud "fuck-you-get-outta-my-way" horns ... the only part of that car that rocked!
good times ... good times ...
Coffee condoms elude me. Maybe we don't have them here. And if we do...well, maybe our condoms are just really different.
Ever put a peep in the microwave?
FUN!
That's about all they are good for.
Note: Do it at someone elses house, it's a bitch to clean up. :)
i had a 1992 acura legend..rather mean looking car...she had the fuckin gayest horn i've ever heard. it was embarassing for my new york ass to honk in public!
Screw Cars...MOTORCYCLES RULE. And, as an added bonus, there's no option for an automatic...that is, unless you're a poser and ride a scooter.
Very bad joke:
Q: You know why a scooter is like an ugly chick?
A: They're both fun to ride until your friends see you on one!
I ride a 2002 Triumph TT600...not too big, but damn, she's sexy.
Check it out at www.pleasurebarons.com
one day i will have my yamaha r1
and fluffer-boy: make sure you get that cum stain out of your shirt before you go back to work.
i'm poor...cut my dreams some slack!
When are car companies going to get some sack and just create Transformers?
i'll stick to my oozie.
damn. gregg's friend has an r1...i'm trying to think of ways to convince him to let me drive it!
there's a reason Ducati and Death start with the same letter. However, I do have to admit that the Monster is one of the sexiest street fighters i've ever seen.
Buttah, my suggestion is to start out with an SV650. Great all-around bike and if you's is poor, it doesn't cost but 1/2 of your R1
thanks for reaching deep today. ok...
1. that is entirely to long of a question, but to the sentences with ?... yes.
2. you got home drunk. made a midnight oatmeal snack and passed out. Happens to the best of us.
3.
4. It was a construction worker what kind of conversation were you expecting?
5. I prefer the chocolate crosses. Nothing like a sweet bite christianity.
6. conspiracy .. yes.
7. was there a question in that?
8. i went to clinic and got that cleaned up. you should to.
9. no.
10. it is common knowledge that you are allow to pop each parent in the face until the child has stopped crying. Dallas county district court 219 McMillion vs Young. historical case i'm suprised you didn't know.
Get a Harley.
waiting on a call back from the starbucks manager for 3.
let me know Johnny..otherwise i may have to trademark cup condom.
and no harley..sorry Shane
Harley? Are you mad?
Mad? No, I'm quite happy thank you. Insane? Most definitely.
i did used to live in the harley capital of the world...
but..no..still hate 'em. sorry shane
Damn! And I figured you for the leather wearing, beer swillin' biker chick type. My bad.
nope. no beer for me. make that some gucci shoes, and some nice cashmere....and a martini biatch!
at least admit you ate your oatmeal at night.. and passed out... and when you couldn't find the oatmeal in the cupboard you found the box in the trash and a bowl in the dishwasher.
johnny....i would if i could..but sadly, i live with my parents and i have no friends here....so...last night, the only place i stumbled was my bathroom for pissing version 20.5.....perhaps it was my kitten.
You can't take a Harley to TRACK DAY...so no way.
Mark---who isn't into pain? clmon now!
and fuck sympathy brakers! fuck the "oh my god sixteen miles away there's a biker" breakers. FUCK OTHER DRIVERS!
That's the spirit, Elle!
oh i road rage like it's my job...no worries guys
so does ms. teresa imoan.
You have secured your place in netlore now, RUS.
see..you're a trend setter RUS..get used to it! either that, or you just sparked a cross continental anal movement in a lot of ass lovers.....
old chinesse women. the worst drivers.
I dunno Johnny. I think blind people might be a little worse, but who's really counting?
all old chinesse are blind. and the answer to #3 is a sleeve that comes from starbucks.
hmmmmm....
cup condom is way more cooler and shiz
and yea..asians in general suck at driving (sorry jax)
i'm not even touching the Asian thing. I think it's well documented on our blog how we feel.
I like Peeps.
That is all I've got.
so someone does like peeps....interesting
No one likes peeps. He's just lying to start a conversation.
i thought birds were the devil..and peeps were the devil incarnat.....
buttah: did you get that oatmeal? I Fed-Exed it to you about 20 minutes ago. You should be good, to go.
Please don't hurt the twins.
thanks for info about Peeps. Now I know what they are...but I won't be able to tell you if I like them, until next Easter.
eric....your nuts are safe...FOR NOW!
ck...darling *takes away the crack pipe* no more of this.
sure....but i may roll my eyes at you
1. I HATE people who get in a car I've owned for 8 years and try to tell me how to drive it. It's MY 93 Accord 5-speed... get your own stick and shut the fuck up.
Some bastard stole my motorcycle and I haven't been able to afford a new one... y'all are mean and teasing me!
ps sushi rocks :)
pps i'm canadian so someone will have to mail me a peep... but i do love me my easter cream eggs...
ppps any motorcycle is a good motorcycle but i'm still craving the late 80's purple katana 600 :)
shhh! CK! don't blow my bitch cover!
awwww how cute!
And here I thought I was the only one you called cute. *sob*
Men suck! (not really, just some *cough* CK)
Don't believe him Buttah, he lies, and he's a spy. :)
damn....i almost felt cute for two seconds....
CK..is OUT!
so uhhh Jabberstud...come here often?! =0)
Don't be to hard on him...he's kind of funny...sometimes...when he's not obsessed with birds
god fucking damnit!
NO DELETING POSTS!! fuckin as bastards!
ya actually I come here a hell of a lot, what the fuck are you putting in the food??
call me when you get to the ssssssssssity. jake and i should be there, but neither of us know where eitan dwells. oh, and i e-mailed(to all four accounts of yours), texted, and left you a voice mail with this same information. you better call cuntykins.
suck it ryan.
and nothing jabberstud. eat up.
Goddammit! I can't stand this. It's been Friday for almost 15 hours & I'm not drunk yet!
The twins? As in..."bow down to the twins"? LOL
heh
Ahem. Sorry...this office is driving me crazy, and sometimes random stuff spews out.
Ignore me.
My kid doesn't scream.
Remember, she eats sushi.
My kids scream; but then again I probably shouldn't be running in their room at 2am screaming, & brandishing a meat cleaver while wearing a werewolf mask.
THAT is something I'd pay $40 to see
hmm i have no kids....and i rather like it that way.....
I just have to say, I have seen plenty of women do just fine with manula trans.
Just to make myself sound kick-ass-ninja-trucker-like, I can opertate any kind of transmission out there.
I love peeps, but they have to be aged to a specific level of crunchiness beforeI can enjoy them.
You said cup condom. Ha ha. It's even funnier if said with a Britsh accent. Con Dahm.
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