in my dreams i'm dying all the time, then i wake to my kaleidascopic mind. i never meant to hurt you, i never meant to lie..but this is goodbye.

before we start...yes, i'm well aware that i'm sucking at this blogging thing. it's like riding a bike, i just need a few run arounds to get into the swing of things again.

that, and it's finals time...and it's also snowing. definately feels like april.

anyway...on with the proverbial show.

last weekend marked the first "fight" that the boy-i-am-dating-but-refuse-to-admit-it's-anything-serious-and-shall-hereafter-ever-be-called-boytoy had. i say "fight" because i'm really not much of a fighter when it comes to matters of my heart and/or feelings. i'd pretty much rather roll over and play dead than have to actually voice the goings-on in my head.

basically, i was rather pissed that he didn't talk to me all weekend. we never made definitive plans, but he was planning on spending the night saturday and, thus, i planned accordingly. he never called...and with regard to the plans we had on sunday, he said "well, i'll feel like shit if i don't go, but if i do go, it's only because i'll feel guilty for not going so i'm screwed either way."--can you say ouch? so fine, i did things on my own...left him alone. he called later sunday night, and made me talk.

he made me talk about what was bothering me, what he did wrong, and what he could do to fix it.

it turns out he just had a horrible day at work on saturday and didn't want to deal with anyone [read: me]...and i flat out told him to just tell me that in the future, rather than just not bother talking to me at all. if he wants alone time, i'm completely okay with that and more than understanding of that.

so fine. we achieved resolution...he will do me the justice of explaining why he will now ignore me, i will do him the justice of smiling, nodding, and not giving him shit over it.

righteous.

this brings me to last night. he came over, which is always cool with me. he watched the baseball game, i went to pick up sofie, i came back to make dinner, and he puts on golfing. c'mon now people...who the fuck actively watches golf? so, i said "there's no way in fuck i'm watching golf."...and he said "well you don't have to watch it. you're not watching it i am."

excuse me? you're sitting on my couch, in my apartment, watching my tv...and you're going to tell me what the fuck is going to be played on that tv? why the fuck did you come over if all you wanted to do is your own fucking thing?

did i say that? 'course not. i just shook my head and continued cooking...and let him choose whatever the fuck we watched and i did it with the greatest of indifference...which irked the shit out of him. complacency never worked so well.

then, later that night...after he got his, i got fairly close, and we both had a fairly good time...we started talking about the future.

we always talk about our future...and i'm sure most women would be ecstatic to hear them being factored into the dude's future, but i'm not a huge fan on it....mostly because it leads to me getting pissed off...because we're both stubborn but i'll be amenable to keep the peace.

i especially get pissy when he starts getting into how we'll raise our children. he's catholic, i'm jewish...he wants absolutely no religion...but we can celebrate channukah and christmas.....and when i bring up the possibility of having a brisk, or a bar/bat mitzvah...he gets huffy, and puffy. basically, it's an all or nothing thing with him....either we do all of the catholic and jewish shit...or we do none of it, and to me that's absolute bullshit.

but my thoughts on his take are neither here nor there, why? because we don't have kids...we aren't married...we haven't even been dating 6 months....or much over 2 months at that. why do we have to talk about it? why do we have to discuss it?

why do i have to sit there and figure out how to explain that i want to expose my children to judaism, not for the religious aspects of it, but because more than three-quarters of my family died for simply being jewish...not being religious or practicing. how do i tell him that their deaths seem in vain to me if i throw my hands up and say "okay" to throwing everything with a religious overtone outside of christmas and channukah completely out the window?

regardless..i'm dismissing most of my anger as the sum of being on the diet from hell for a week, the full moon, and ovulation and subsequent leaking.

but...why do we have to discuss it anyway?!

i swear, though...if he brings it up again i'm going to ball tap him.