somehow i fell down by the wayside, and somehow this hell is my home. i have everything i need to make life completely revolting.

i went on a date, it went decently well, he was fairly cute and very cool...and i'm fairly sure it was a one time deal. i will say that going out with a guy who is into the same things as me--in particular cars and music--and would talk about anything including disgusting fucked up shit that i seem to gross everyone out with...was fucking awesome, as was his cadillac thug-tastic belt buckle.

but that's not the point.

i was told by six distinctly different people this weekend that i have no idea how to take a compliment, and one of those times was after i told e about my date, and ended things with "but i doubt i'll see him again, so whatever. fun night, good time. that's about it."

"you always do that!"
"do what?"
"sell yourself completely short. you're awesome and if he doesn't talk to you ever again it's because he's either a fairy fuck, or he's intimidated by how beautiful and awesome you are. now shut up."
"hah, okay riiiiiiight. thanks e...anyway.."
"you don't believe me do you?"

and that's the point. i do.

it's not that i can't take compliments, so much as the minute kind words pass the lips of an onlooker it devitalizes me. it sends me into this unwarranted tizzy of my own fucked up ideologues. it sends me fleeing back into my own little head to fix the uproar those dulcet little words cause...

because things don't make sense. things don't flesh out in reality as they do in the make believe world of human interaction, niceties, and euphonious phrases...and the lack of parity between the two diametrically antipodal worlds has gone from being a smile and a heart felt "thank you," to a forced smile, a "thank you" through clenched teeth, and my self esteem plumetting to unknown levels of low.

it's completely antithetical to the whole purpose of a compliment, i know.

but there comes a point when things go from being "it will be" to "it'll happen eventually" to "maybe" to "it probably won't happen for me, but it could" to buried in the landscape of the mind with a headstone that reads "here lies a hope...a dream...an aspiration. may it rest in peace and atone for the sin of causing a pilgrimage to a non-existent holy land and for causing an onslaught of misplaced effort and undue reveries.".....and i'm almost a hop, skip, and a jump away from the metaphorical funeral.

yea, i know i'm twenty-four (almost twenty-five....dear god, that's scary), but it's been three very, very, very long years....and it doesn't pan out to me. if i am as pretty, and fun, and awesome, and perfect as everyone iterates to me...if complete strangers walking down the street can stop just to tell me i'm very attractive...if every guy i have a long standing relationship with can look me in the eye and say that they just want to meet a girl who has a kick ass personality like me.......then how come i'm sitting here completely alone, not a single prospect in sight, with rejection after rejection mounting into what appears to be the emotional equivalent of quartering.

so...it's not that i can't take a compliment...it's not that i don't believe what people tell me...it's that it hurts to hear people say things so nectareous...

it hurts a lot...

and it's gotten to be so much that it's almost impossible to consolidate the absolute divergence between the opinions people have of me, and the reality of the ways things are for me.

"if you don't have anything nice to stay, don't say anything at all"

who knew my rules would be so fucked up?