reality has a strange way of sneaking up on you. reality has an even stranger way of codifying your greatest fermentations.
i was thinking about how i only have a year left in this decrepit waste of a landmass affectionately referred to as the "mistake on the lake" when the invisible hand of reality reached out from the passenger side of my car and bitch smacked me into a state of total misrule. there i was, driving home from grocery shopping on a tuesday night...and there i was, crying.
it's funny how a simple thought can take you from dandy to arrant fear. not funny in a "ha ha" way, but funny in a way that it opens up avenues your mind either never knew existed or just ignored at all possible costs, and there you are smack in the middle of these never-before-seen avenues trying to find a way to something viable...logical...
something exultant.
it finally dawned on me that i can't flutter around this world on a whim like i've grown so accustomed to doing. it finally occurred to me that i can't simply idealize some locale in my mind, move there, and then hop to the next locale when the idealized version doesn't pan out. my next move has to have meaning to it, and my next move will have a finality to it that i've never really had to experience before. it finally got through my stubborn thick skull that i'm going to be a lawyer...or an accountant...or a super shitty hybrid...that i'm going to work insane amounts of hours...that i'm not going to do something creative, exciting, and "fun" with my life.
it eventuated that i have to grow up and finally let go of what i want to do with my life, and accept what i will do with my life.
i've always viewed life as an endless possibility of options. why settle down and focus on one thing when there's a whole world to see and experience? and as a result of my childhood, which revolved around moving every three to four years, i can't seem to sit still. i mean, i moved four apartments down simply because the idea of staying in my old apartment for another year made me physically sick. i was antsy, i had to get out of there, and i did.
in theory, i know i can go wherever i want and, arguably, be whatever i want to be...but in reality i know i can't. at least not without a big fight, an extremely good reason, and a hole-proof argument that three of the most intelligent people i know would agree to...and i know that is perhaps the greatest impossibility ever.
at the end of my drive on tuesday, i told myself that i was going to move back to new york city no matter what, and that was it.
and i guess that's it.
maybe.
maybe i'll just go get another masters in something and avoid this reality bullshit at all costs. what's wrong with having an alphabet of degrees after your name?
maybe i can be a nomadic lawyer?
no? alright. i suck at making decisions. i suppose i'll let third parties make this one too.
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13 comments:
Growing up sucks
It is my personal opinion, I think you would make a great lawyer.
Go where you want to go. Settle down when you want. Now may just be your time to be nomadic.
At some point smart people accept the fact that won't get to do the "fun" things they thought they'd do with their lives. They cut their losses shirt and find ironic solace elsewhere.
Wise people realize that you sometimes have to take the roundabout way to get where you truly want to be. Wise people ride smart people, make a butt-load of money, retire at a reasonably young age, build a recording studio in their basements, and go on tour.
The music never stops with a pinch of wisdom, hunny-bunny.
time to get in med school.......
I think Kristen said it best..."Growing up sucks"
I've done the same "basic" thing for almost 20 years ( fuck I'm really old...nah I started REALLY young...didn't do the college thing )I've made the six figure income and now work for MUCH less...but I see my family EVERY day, interact and mold the kids and athletes of tomorrow and have almost ZERO stress and all the bills are still paid every month. Do I still have drive? YES. Am I still competive? YES. Do I have goals? YES. They are just much different that I would have thought 5 years or so ago.
But when some one tells you "Man you have the perfect life" it makes you feel good or when a kid tells you "Coach, I'm really glad your my coach" those things can't be bought they must be earned.
As I slide this portion of my soap box away db it just tells me that your tears were just growth. And 6 people so far have now told you..."Keep going, your doing fine, we wish we were YOU"
( of course some of us would require the ol' "I'll switch as long as I get to keep the experience I alreay have." Too bad it doesn't work that way.)
Zack: i just am not lawyer material in the sense i'm way to ADD, spazztic, and silly. o-well, gotta do what ya gotta do. oh, and the next time i cry i'll call you...nothing says foreplay like a chick balling on the phone. i do it 'cause i love you baby.
Kristen: word up!
Sharon: i don't know where i want to go. i'm from nyc, i have a lot of friends there..so it seems like the logical option...but yea, i'm sure my family will figure it out for me.
Anon: a pinch of wisdom? please! you jumped for joy when you read "i'm moving back to new york!" =P
Johnny: been there, done that....aside from the awesome gore factor, dropped out.
Atl Lg: my dad has been doing the same thing and working for the same company for nearly 30 years, and he's loved every minute of it. i always presumed that you should do something you have a passion and love for, so i guess it's taking an extra stretch to rationalize that sometimes you just have to do what's logical, even if you don't particularly enjoy it or what not. i'm slow, give me time :)
I think that you should move to Providence, make an ass load of cash and make me your boy toy.
Or not.
Whatever you want.
Oh I so hear you...really. Um I moved to the US and then from Iowa to Orlando and then to NYC and then back here and now I want to leave for a new place and sometimes I think no place will fit. And that I will just want to go to the next place after the one I have chosen is not what I want. Maybe I am still chasing my first love, my real home in Buenos Aires that I was only too happy to leave when I didn't know any better.
*le sigh*
-N
it finally dawned on me that i can't flutter around this world on a whim like i've grown so accustomed to doing.
Why not? It's worked pretty well for me so far.
I don't know if this will help, but this post is pretty much the reason why I'm getting a Ph.D. and staying in the academic community. After I finish, I can get a job at a cozy small state-funded liberal arts college where I just teach a few classes and maybe do a little research. The pay will be decent, and I expect it will leave me with plenty of time to do creative, fun, and exciting things with my life...especially considering my work ethic (or lack thereof).
I think the bigger question is, what creative, fun, and exciting thing(s) do you want to do?
Growing up sucks, huh?
I won't try to talk you out of your semi-decision, but let me just give you one small reminder: The midwest needs all the cool girls it can get.
if it helps ... Guam is always looking for prosecutors to cut their teeth before jumping off to bigger and better things ;)
Flounder: uhmm..rhode island? survery is going to have to say "no."
Nat: yea. i'm not sure where i want to go. i hate having to limit myself simply because of the logic that comes with growing up. bleh. watch me end up in jersey *gag*
Michael: i can't be nomadic on a whim anymore. i moved around a lot as a kid, but that was mostly because of my dads job. as for what i want to do...that's the problem. i have no idea. i like to do so many things, but none of those things will ever make me money. thus? hello office and 100 hour work weeks!
Braindead: the midwest needs non pussified boys too. if i end up staying in the mnidwest, i may have to import my asshole friends.
Dzer: guam eh? i can dig it!
well how come you didn't mention that?
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