you're waiting for your life to begin, wake up girl you've got it all wrong. you want a prize that you're not gonna win. your name will never change.

so...i've been single for a while [three years, but who the fuck is keeping track], and my already miniscule faith is fleeting, so...while completely bored during my secured transactions class, i opted to write myself a little "wanted" ad, rather than answer the practice exam question he gave us to do during class. yea, no one said i was a good student...and no one said i wasn't more burnt out than i ever thought possible.

regardless, i scanned my little page, and "inverted" the colors, so ta-dow...you get not only my retarded want ad, but also my shitty handwriting. how lucky are you? and can i just say i hate the fact we have to answer essay questions on computer paper. would it kill them to give us lined paper? honestly!

i realize it's probably hard to read, so here it is in type form:

Wanted

Single, white, goofy, sarcastic, prefers-not-to-be-too-serious, nerdy, and fairly educated and cultured girl seeks a guy that has the following attributes:

Physical Attributes:

• must be 6’2’’ or over.
• brunette
• athletic. no, not built. no, not a waif--just enjoy phsyical activity, cause i’m all over it and i’m all over play fighting too. you’ve been warned

Must:

• not take himself too seriously. i enjoy taking it as much as i enjoy dishing it, and if you can‘t have a battle of the wits with your significant other..well? there’s no point in being with them.
• love video games
• enjoy sports. in particular, football.
• be a total music whore like me.
• enjoy partying, or at least drinking, and tolerate drinking.
• hate shopping
• be independent and non-clingy. go out with your guy friends, have a life of your own and friends of your own. do your own thang and be your own person.
• have a healthy sexual appetite. i’ve got a huge libido, so you have to be able to do it any time and anywhere. and i do mean anywhere. the mood strikes, you gotta acquiesce.
• be family oriented or understand that my family, for better or for worse, is a force that is not to be reckoned with, it’’s a force you have no shot in hell against.
• love dogs, tolerate cats.
• be mildly clean. being a slob after the age of 18 is just fucking pathetic.
• not make stupid comments about little things. i enjoy buying shoes, and unless it’s your money, don’t ask me in a condescending tone “how many pairs of shoes do you need?,” and don’t ever bring up how much make-up i have and how much shit i use in the shower. you won’t ever win that argument.
• be honest, blunt, to the point, and be able to handle the same from me.
• be understanding about my retardedness. i’m not cold, i’m not disinterested, i’m not stand offish- i’m weary. i hardly open up to people i’ve known my entire life, so patience is appreciated, so is cornerning me and forcing me to open up. also, just use my actions to supplement the words you want to hear. i do all that random cute shit, and go out out of my way for a reason. k? k!
• not be a religious fucking fanatic
• not be a chauvenistic, gender-role loving ass clown who’s ego can only match his rampant douchebaggery.

that is pretty much it. if you’re interested, inquire.

oh! and you also have to be a tit guy and know how to handle these:

drunken gay guy was having a blast with the shirt i wore on saturday that coincidently exhibited a full frontal the minute i bent over. it equated to mucho tips, but not what i was going for. regardless, he snapped a picture...and i got the g-money approval. i've also been in an insanely shitty mood all week, for reasons i'm sure i'll get into when i have more time to sort things out....so, the idea of taking a shot of my tits not only would probably depress me further, but it would probably send me into a downward tizzy of even more self-loathing, which even i admit i've reached my capacity for this week.