i hate being unsure, i despise uncertainty, and yet here i am with both adjectives glaringly present in my day-to-day.
it would be magical if there was a crystal ball you could look into and have your entire life told to you. it would be surreal to waltz through life with the finer things in live being the only enigma. it would be fantastic if there was no guess work involved with this proverbial game of life.
it would be easy.
too easy.
so, instead, we get to sit and ponder, and plan, and become inherently involved with the intricate details of our life that pan out to be an absolute nonentity in the grand scheme of things, because just when you think you have shit figured out and you think things are going to go your way, a tempest of inconceivable proportions comes and knocks it all to fucking hell.
it kind of begs the question: what's the point of dreaming? why have aspirations? if the only thing that results is a broken heart, a bridled spirit, and a enigmatic explosion in the self defeat and self loathing sectors, why fucking bother?
there's so little variation, there's too many complications, there's so much desperation it's wafting and everything reeks of mephitic melancholy and hopelessness. it's to the point where the lulls between the storms just aren't long enough to let you forget, and the affliction becomes so commonplace that it's starting to feel like home.
home is where the heart is. my heart is a bleeding, unconsolable mess.
i lay each sleepless night and click my heels together in the hopes that maybe i'll find that one place that is like no place i've been...a place that's brilliant and scintillant. instead i roll over and stare at twenty-five years of static emotion that's packed so tight i think i'll explode, but instead i implode, destroy, and exhaust myself.
i'll never be what you want...i'll never be what i've convinced myself i want...i'll never be what i truly want...and it's killing me.
i don't deserve to be happy.
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8 comments:
Oh Jesus...stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your a young, attractive woman with prospects for the future. The world is right there for YOU. Spend 1 fucking day in my shoes and then complain. Try being a divorced 32 year old single father who's bald and makes good money but not enough to be a sugar-daddy. Try that for a day and see how that goes for you. Try having happiness with a beautiful wife a fantastic daughter and then have the wife choose a drug habit over her own family. Just try having your heart REALLY torn out thrown down and beaten with your own entrails by a lying whore.
Oh, and have a nice day.
Everyone deserves to be happy....
Unless of course you are a child molesting, alcoholic, drug addicted, abusive, baby bunny killer with no redeeming qualities like my ex.. or a lying whore.. then you deserve only misery.
Somehow I don't think you qualify for any of th above.
Chris: not feeling sorry for myself at all, actually. just getting bitch smacked by reality too frequently for me to be okay with it and do it with a smile. somehow i think those are two different things, but you may disagree.
Heather: no...not a whore. well, i may be? hmmmm, should do some recon on that one.
Uncertainty sucks. But that's life. Summer is coming. Hopefully you will be in agreat place in your life by then.
We all go through these times of taking stock, especially at night when sleep is playing us like a game of hide and seek.
The only thing I don't agree with is "i don't deserve to be happy.", darlin', that's just not the case.
There is one certainty in life, in that uncertainty is a constant.
Hell, I lost my job of 10 years. I learned the uncertainty lesson all over again. I know I didn't share much during that time, which I apologize for.
Going through it - that's a bitch. Coming out the other side stronger - that's what Tiggers do best.
I'm here to say that you're a Tigger too, whether you know it or not.
i'm more of an eeyore.
Dude, the Shawn Michaels theme keeps playing....
"I'm just a sexy boy....
I'm not you're boytoy...."
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